Loving a Lolita Girl

Have you ever wonder how it feels like to not get old at all?

Are you a part of the population where you wish you don't grow at all?

Those population who were willing to spend millions-billions of fortunes just to stay young forever?

Those people who wish they don't grow old at all? Wish to the billions of shooting stars, that you stay the same forever?

Then if you were part of those population, maybe you might want to be in the same situation as mine.

And if fate could be swapped, I would wish to swap my fate with you...

Because unlike you, ever since I start to enter puberty, I always wish I am someone who could look the same as my age. I would wish to have your body aging. I would love to see the version of myself who is growing. To see the version of myself where I could tell those people around me my real age without the need to explain I am not bluffing at all.

To see the version of myself, where I could tell kids younger than me, that 'hey! I am older than you, so stop hitting on me' where I could say, I deserve to go alone without a guardian because I am already an adult.

Come to think of it, would you rather want to be in a situation where all of the people around you, will always think that you are just an elementary student for all your life?

Like for example, your mom would ask you to look for your younger brothers report card, and his teacher won't let you have even a glimpse of his grades because he will keep on insisting that 'getting the report card of your brother is a job that you shouldn't do because you are younger' and even though you keep on telling them you're older, they will still not believe you, unless someone who knows you before will prove the claim that you are older, and you only have a freaking babyface.

Would you rather have the experience where the guards on every mall you go, will keep on telling you 'that kids are not allowed inside the Malls without having their Guardian'? And they will not let you in unless you show them your ID, proving that you're old?

Would you like it, when kids younger than you would not respect you the way you should be respected because you're older than them, just because you look like you are just the same age as them? Or worst you look freaking younger than them?

Or having almost every time, you have to depend on every people you met that you are old, and you are not bluffing at all?

Almost every day you have to debate with them, that 'Hey! I am just the same age as you, so I have to get all the privilege of doing things that an adult does because I AM AN ADULT TOO.'

Or those times where people your age use to mock you at school because you look week? Because you look like you are just a baby, who still needs her Mom almost every time?

To get bully because you look like a baby? Because some people adore your looks and makes you a teacher's pet? Some jealous people would think the worst of you, just because of how you look.

And if you are weak? You'll be doomed.

Why?...

Because bullies will always stick their eyes like glue on you.

People will not take you seriously, just because they think you are under age.

People will always mistake you...

People will always underestimate you, just because of your look.

If you still want to be in that kind of state, then I'll be so much willing to trade my fate with you...

Because it sucks to be like me...

Because I am tired of explaining myself, almost all the time.

When you know my age first, you'll say the picture I sent wasn't me. Or I am just sending my baby pictures.

If you saw me personally you will doubt I am telling you the truth about my age. People always doubt, and I am so tired of it. So I will choose to tell them the age they wanted to hear from me? Because why not? It'll help me to avoid questioning, and to avoid getting called a liar.

Some say I am so lucky to have these looks. I don't need to worry about the wrinkles and the pimples. I am naturally short, so I look like a kid plus my natural babyface, which they always mistook as a filter.

So now? Do you still want this face? No need for billions of dollars, because if only I could trade this? I am willing to trade almost everything I have in exchange for a life like yours. I would love to trade these features of mine, which many people would dream of, in exchange for normal features like yours...

I am Celestine Claire Constantine, a 21-year-old college student with a natural babyface. And this...

Is my story...

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers

Within yourself that you have built against it."

― Rumi

*******

"Promise me you won't leave my side ever, just like my papa did to me!" I said while keeps wiping my tears with the back of my hands.

I had been crying for I guess thirty minutes now, since the time I run away from home.

"Promise me you will never leave me, and stay by my side forever!"

"Do you promise Didi?" I asked my childhood best friend, as tears kept on falling at the side of my cheeks.

This is the day, I found out why my mom asked my dad, to get out of the house and not to show his face to us ever again.

I love my dad so much, that's why I felt so hurt after knowing the fact that he made his mistress pregnant.

It was so painful to me to find out what really happened. I don't even know if I could even accept my half sibling from my Godmother.

I thought he was the best dad of all, but it turns out he's a demon hiding behind an angel mask in front of us.

I heard my Tita Agnes and mom talking secretly in my mom's room a while ago.

Mom was crying so hard while Tita Agnes is patting her back, to calm her down. And that's where I found out, the real reason why she let go of my dad.

My father has his mistress...

A mistress he's been hiding from us, a long time ago.

I was literally shock as I heard the news, but what more painful is that his mistress is my mom's best friend Tita Laida.

And now she's pregnant...

I couldn't believe she is my Godmother, for damn sake.

I hate her!

She's a whore!

A home wrecker!

She stole Papa away from me!

From us!

How can I ever forgive her! She ruined our family! She made me hate my mom because I thought it was mom's entire idea as she made my papa leave the house!

At first I thought mom no longer love my papa but it all turns out, it was all she and my papa's fault why my mom is crying and breaking at this time!

I hate her!

I hate them!

I feel so guilty for every painful word I yelled to Mama yesterday after my Papa left the house.

And now I'm breaking and hurting because my system couldn't accept the fact, that my father is an asshole.

Didi squat in front of me, as he starts holding my little hands. His other hand tries to reach for my face and start wiping them dry using his thumb, while the other hand tries to hold my hands.

His gestures calmed me down for a bit, as he made me face his natural baby blue eyes, that he got from his American dad, Tito Clark.

"Look at me baby Tine-tine." He commanded, trying to shift my gaze to his eyes.

I lift my head a bit to see him and try to meet his eyes, looking so lovely as always.

"I promise to never leave your side ever just like what Tito did to you.'

"I promise to always be here for you, no matter what happens, even the whole world turn its back at you."

"I promise, that I'll be here forever as long as you still want me around." He said while looking into my eyes, as he caress my cheeks with his hand.

"So come on now baby, stop crying ok? Everything will be alright, I promise." He said smiling sweetly before he raises my one hand and starts to do the pinky promise.

"Stop crying now, baby, Ok? I got you!" He said before he starts caressing my cheeks and kiss my eyes.

I close my eyes as soon as I felt his lips touch them, and give out a sweet smile too. I then stand on my feet and hugged his neck tight.

"You're the best BFF ever Didi! Thank you!" I told him smiling from ear to ear while hugging him tightly.

I was hugging him tightly when suddenly, the whole background start changing. I am still hugging him, but this time, I am crying and he is crying too.

He is now standing beside a black car, with its door wide open ready to take my Didi away from me.

"NO DIDI!" I cried while holding Didi's hand tight.

The people around us holds his other hand, while trying to take him away from my reach.

"DIDI SAID, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE TINETINE SIDE FOREVER! PLEASE DON'T GO! PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY DIDI AWAY FROM ME! Tita, please? Please?" I begged Tita Agnes, who is standing at Didi's back.

I hugged Didi as tightly as I can, so they can't take him away from me.

We are both crying hard, knowing that this would be the last time we will see each other personally.

"Baby, please don't cry."

"Didi will be back again in time."

"Didi loves baby Tinetine so much."

"Didi will go back again to be with baby Tinetine, and she would realize Didi did not leave her side at all. I'll be back. I love you, baby!" said Didi, as he starts to loosen my gripped on him.

He breaks the hug as he enters the black car, with his mom Tita Agnes, his big brother Kuya Ryan and his father Tito Clark.

As the car moved, mama and my Kuya Leo tries to calm me down while I am crying so hard, I could no longer manage to breathe properly. I am crying so hard, I just wanted to turn back the time where I can still be with Didi like we use to be.

I felt betrayed, deceive, and hurt after knowing that my best friend is leaving. If only he told me earlier. If only he didn't promise those things, maybe I shouldn't feel this hurt at all.

I was crying as I heard a familiar sweet voice of a woman, calling out to me.

"Hmm..." I moaned as I felt a gentle shake, on my arm.

"Les!" I could hear my mom calling me.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

– Pablo Neruda

*****

"Les! Wake up, sweetheart!" Mom called out again.

"Hmm... Five minutes more please!" I moaned as I pull the blanket up my chin.

"What do you mean five minutes? Come on sweetie time to get up!" Mom pulled the blanket off my body and start shaking me gently again.

"Get up now Princess! Come down and eat breakfast with us, or we'll be late!" my Mom said before getting out of my room, and shutting the door close.

"Hmm." I moaned again as I open one of my eyes, trying to compose myself.

What did mom said again?

Ahh! She said something about getting late right?

Ohh, yeah right! We're getting late...

I tried to close my eyes again, and start to go back to sleep...

Late...

We're getting late...

WAIT WHAT THE- I'M GETTING LATE?

As soon as I heard the word 'late' I immediately sit on my bed, with wide eyes.

I look at the alarm clock beside my bed and saw that its already 7:30 am!

Oh, crop! I am so dead! I'm pretty sure our business law professor is going to kill me!

I hurried inside the bathroom to do my morning rituals and start fixing myself to go to school.

I wipe my face and found out that my cheeks and eyes are wet from tears.

Another dream from my past again...

It's so tiring to think that I always dream of the same scenarios every night about Didi's broken promises and his leaving, and yet I always find myself crying...

I always find it odd to keep on seeing myself crying about it over and over again, as if my soul will never get used with him leaving me alone...

Like, what the fuck girl! Can't, you just get over it and move on?

It's already been 10 years since that time happened, and we are no longer a kid! I am already 21 and Didi is already on his 22.

I'm sure he already found a new best friend there in the US.

I'm pretty sure he forgot about me and his promise a long time ago.

I knew he has forgotten me already, because if it's true that he still remember me, then why the hell he's not reaching to me at all?

Ten years had passed by already and yet he never dares to even try reaching on me even once, for those ten years.

And I hate him for that...

Didi is just the same as my dad.

They are a liar, a jerk, and a piece of shit.

I hate him to death, that once I ever see him again, I would smock him in the face and show him, that I don't need him in my life.

I am good now that he's gone...

After I do all my rituals and done taking a bath, I wore my uniform and hurriedly go down the stairs, with my uncombed hair fall freely down to my waist.

"I won't eat breakfast today Mom! I am super late for school!" I yelled at mom, so she can hear me from the kitchen.

I hold a grip on the stairs railings while wearing my black shoes.

I am half running already just to reach the door, that I almost got myself outbalance. Fortunately I was able to hold on the edge of the table nearby.

"GTG mom! Bye-bye!" I bid goodbye to mom and was about to open the door when mom took a peek from the kitchen and look at me.

I am already holding the doorknob and was about to step my right foot out when Mom yelled something that almost breaks my whole world. Hahhaha, of course, I am just kidding, piece!

"Where are you going, sweetie? Today is Sunday! There's no class today baby!" Mom yelled while holding a huge spoon.

I look at them in slow-motion, while having my eyes wide.

"What the fudge? Then why the freaking hell did you wake me up so early in the morning?" I complain.

I even step my foot hard on the floor just to show how annoyed I was as my beauty sleep get ruined for the sudden call.

"But sweetie today is your Tita Agnes return from the US! Had you forgotten that already? We're going to fetch her at the NAIA Airport!" Mom said making me roll my eyes.

"Tita Agnes?" I said tilting my head while wrinkling my forehead.

"Yup! She also said Ace is coming with her this time!" Mom said with a hint of excitement in her eyes.

Which made me look at her with a confuse look.

What the fuck did Mom told me?

Who's going back with Tita Agnes?

I rolled my eyes as I remember that Tita Agnes son's name is Ace.

Ace FUCKING Daryl ASSHOLE Smith...

So what's up with him?

Why go back?

I thought he's already happy there in the US? He should just stay there forever!

Die and rot there forever!

Since that's what he want to do anyway, so why go back here in the Philippines if he can just die there in US?

I wanted to tell Mom how much I feel disappointed knowing that Ace the Asshole is going back but I honestly don't want to ruined that excitement in the eyes of mom.

I knew she expect me to feel thrilled about knowing the news, after ten years, because she knew how much I longed for Ace to go back here in the Philippines and to fulfill his promise ten years ago...

But not anymore...

I already gave up on him three years ago...

And now his existence does not matter to me at all...