Loving You Too Long

Loving you is not a sin, but why must I bear so much pain?

If I could choose and turn back time, then I wouldn't try not to fall in love with you. I would go back to the point in time when I didn't fall in love with you.

But I know none of this is in my control because all this is the path of my destiny.

So, may I ask instead?

If you can't love me, then stop hurting me.

Because really, I don't want this love to turn into hate.

If you can't love me, then stop torturing my feelings.

Because really, I want to remember all the sweet things between us, even if it's just a matter of fingers.

If you can't love me, then let me forget you.

***

The little girl wearing a ballerina dress bowed her body as a sign that the dance was over. The sound of applause that rang out in the fifteen by-twenty-meter room relieved her fatigue. Finally, Haisley could show off her ballet skills to someone she liked.

She straightened up. Seeing where her family should be sitting. Seeing their adoring faces. Her eyes looked around, but the person she was looking for was not there. And when the curtain closed, there was nothing the girl could do but let out a long sigh of disappointment.

"Oh my God, Mommy's girl can dance that well. I never expected it. Isn't that right, Daddy?" The voice of Mrs. Thea Smith, the girl's mother, sounded cheerful as she welcomed her daughter out into the waiting room for the performance.

"A gift for my beloved daughter." Mr. Smith then handed her a box. The little girl dressed in pink ballet clothes smiled cheerfully. "You'll open it when you get home, OK?" Her father ordered. The girls nodded immediately.

They then left the hall where the talent show was being held. Walked towards the parking lot, where another husband and wife were waiting for them.

"Shall we have dinner?" Greet the tall, bespectacled man standing towering in front of the girl dressed as a ballerina. He is Mr. Samuel Chayton. A good friend of the Smith family. His two sons are alumni of the school where Haisley is currently studying.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith nodded their heads.

"Where are the kids?" Mrs. Smith asked with searching eyes.

"Nathan said that he and Gilbert would follow us straight to the restaurant." Mr. Chayton replied.

The two families got into their respective cars and left the school to the place where the restaurant had been booked.

Haisley, the girl in the ballerina dress, sat in the back seat holding a gift in her lap. Her face looked sad as she asked, "Crystal went with Nathan too?" she asked finally.

"Yes. They have to take care of the paperwork at school to register for campus." Her mother answered again. Haisley took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Trying to hold back the tears that were starting to hurt her throat.

In fact, for the last two months, she had been training hard to get praise from Nathan. But the man instead chose to go with her older sister. Haisley felt annoyed, angry, and jealous as one.

Their journey to the restaurant was filled with silence because the girl who had just performed seemed reluctant to be disturbed.

"Save the gift first, darling." Those words came out of Mr. Smith's mouth right after the car stopped in front of the lobby of a luxurious five-star hotel that Haisley knew belonged to the Chayton family. It is said that the hotel has belonged to the Chayton family for three generations, and Nathan and Gilbert are the next heirs who will continue the Chayton clan.

Where is Nathan? Didn't his parents say he would follow, but why hasn't Haisley seen him yet? He was the man Haisley had wanted to see since before the performance started. Instead, this man chose to ignore Haisley's struggle and instead went with Crystal, Haisley's older sister, who was his classmate.

Haisley obeyed her father's orders. Put the gift away and cover her ballet outfit with her favorite dusty pink cardigan. Her ballet shoes had changed to normal flat, dusty pink shoes. OK, Haisley likes that color.

She got out of the car, and her father and mother immediately reached out their hands. Each of them took both of her hands and guided her into the hotel area.

Haisley's melancholy turned into a big smile when she saw Nathan, his younger brother Gilbert, and Haisley's older sister, Crystal, already sitting there. Two of the three people waved at her enthusiastically, which made Haisley wave back just as enthusiastically.

"Hey, ballerina." Crystal's greeting seemed to spread joy there. Haisley smiled and approached. She hugged her only older sister, seven years older than her. "Your dance was a success?" she asked curiously.

"Of course. Haisley!" Haisley answered while puffing out her chest happily.

"If your show didn't coincide with my basketball competition, by God, I would watch your show, H." A complaint accompanied by a tone of apology came from the mouth of Gilbert, Nathaniel's younger brother and Haisley's best friend, "If I were there, I would cheer for you to replace the cheerleader position for my basketball team." He continued, which made Haisley frown in disgust at the thought of a man two years older than her wearing a super short cheer uniform.

Haisley glanced again at Nathan. The only person she had been waiting for praise from. But the man just remained silent. The glass of drink before him attracted his attention more than Haisley's presence.

"Because Haisley has been successful with her dancing. Gilbert has also qualified for the quarter finals, Nathan and Crystal have managed to enter the university of their choice with scholarships. So, tonight we will celebrate together by eating delicious food." Samuel Chayton's voice enlivened the atmosphere again. And not even a minute later, their table was filled with various tempting dishes.

"So, when are you leaving?" This question made Haisley, chewing her steak, look up immediately. It turned out that her father was asking Nathan and Crystal.

"As soon as all the administration is finished." Nathaniel answered with a flat expression.

"Lucky for you, you have a son as smart as Nathan. You can retire in peace later, he could be a great successor." Praise Mr. Smith again.

Mr. Chayton nodded. His other hand rose and patted Nathan's shoulder happily. "Lucky to have an eldest child who understands our needs as parents." he continued. "After he graduates from university, I will hand over all my efforts to him," he said again.

"Poor Haisley, because soon you will be gone, she will definitely miss you very much." The teasing words came out of Mrs. Smith's mouth.

Haisley glared at her mother, intending to threaten her, but instead, it made the adults around the table laugh.

"Don't glance at the other girls there, Nath. Poor Haisley will break her heart." Mrs. Smith continued as she played with Haisley's hair and rubbed her back gently, making Haisley groan inwardly and want to hide himself because he was embarrassed. Haisley's expressive attitude invited laughter from everyone except Nathan.

"Don't worry, I will look after him for you, H. If he dares to tease another girl later, I will punish him first." Mrs. Monica Chayton's promise to Haisley.

Mrs. Smith nodded her head enthusiastically. They were working together on purpose and laughing together.

With a bright red face, Haisley glanced at Nathan. Trying to find out the man's response. But Nathan didn't seem to care about anyone at the dining table. The man seemed lost in his thoughts.

Nathan. Nathaniel Chayton. The nineteen-year-old man was Haisley's first love. Mentioning his name could make Haisley embarrassed. Usually, Haisley wants to appear neat and attractive in front of the young man.

Maybe everyone thinks their feelings are just puppy love, which will disappear and change one day. Or suspect this is just a feeling of liking like someone admires their favorite actor or actress. For Haisley, Nathan is her idol. And now, she must be disappointed because the man filling her teenage diary will leave to continue his education at a higher level. The emotional distance that has always been far away is even further away.

Haisley didn't say much because knowing that she would be separated from Nathaniel made her at a loss for words. The girl felt sad and disappointed because she would be abandoned. And considering Nathan's temperament, it was clear that there would be no communication between them in the future.

"If you really don't want to lose Nathan, prepare yourself to chase him from now on." The whisper made Haisley raise her head. She glanced at Gilbert, who was sitting next to her. The boy winked with a mischievous smile on his face. Again, the teenager put his ear closer to Haisley and whispered, "If you like him, go after him. Because everything is necessary fought for, not just ignored." he continued again.

As if getting support, Haisley's eyes lit up instantly. And the little girl nodded her head with renewed enthusiasm.

Six years later,

"You take care there. Look after yourself, don't make Nathan and Gilbert worry," Mrs. Smith's advice echoed in Haisley's ears once again. She, now sitting in the airport waiting area, could only nod in response to her mother's words from across the overseas call.

"Don't just nod along. You have to get rid of your spoiled attitude. Remember, there you need to focus on your studies. Don't shift your focus to other things," Mr. Smith chimed in this time. Haisley could only chuckle but then nodded again.

"Alright then, I have to pick up my luggage," she said, bidding farewell. Her parents waved once more through the small screen in her hands. The middle-aged couple's faces looked melancholic, clearly still not fully accepting their youngest daughter's departure.

Yes. Following her best friend Gilbert's advice, Haisley had resolved to fight for a scholarship so she could join her soulmate. She gave up her dreams of being a ballerina and chose to focus on academics to secure good grades. For six years, she struggled, attending various lessons and activities. Although she initially had difficulty adapting, considering her brain wasn't as sharp as Nathan's or her half-sister Crystal's, Haisley refused to give up.

Finally, in the last three years of her schooling, she managed to consistently achieve good grades. As a result, she earned a scholarship to the same school as her beloved. Her parents agreed to let her go, albeit with the condition that she stay with Nathan and Gilbert.

Of course, this condition didn't burden her at all. Considering her journey to England was to be closer to Nathan, and now, she was not just a step but an inch closer.

Haisley smiled to herself, delighted by the romantic future she envisioned with Nathan. Just imagining being Nathan's girlfriend made her cheeks flush, let alone picturing a wedding.

Haisley shook her head. She could indulge in her fantasies later. Right now, she had to focus on the queue to collect her belongings.

But where was Gilbert? Haisley reached into her pocket for her phone. Her friend had said he would pick her up at the airport, but there was still no sign of him.

She pulled her large suitcase with all her might. She had brought a lot of luggage. Besides clothes, there were also several snacks her mother had packed as gifts for Nathaniel and Gilbert.

Her cheeks warmed again. Nathan, how have you been? Do you miss me too? Haisley could only blush.

She struggled with her petite body to drag the large suitcase. She headed towards the airport exit. Taxis were neatly lined up there. Haisley glanced around, looking for a familiar face. Where was Gilbert? Had her friend fallen asleep and forgotten to pick her up? Haisley shuddered at her own thoughts.

A tap on her shoulder made her scream out loud. She turned and was about to scream for help when she saw a tall, broad-shouldered man with bright orange hair, black sunglasses, and a thick beard looking down at her.

"I'm not late, am I?" he asked, his voice echoing.

Haisley frowned just as the man took off his glasses and looked at her with a wide grin on his face.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed loudly. Several people turned to look at them.

"What am I doing?" he retorted nonchalantly. "So, this is the reason why you didn't want to video call me? Because my face looks ugly like this?" Haisley teased shamelessly.

Gilbert burst into laughter. "Don't insult me, H. If I get angry, I'll leave you here and let you be kidnapped by those foreign creeps who like little kids like you," he replied, his tone threatening.

Haisley shot him a narrowed-eyed glare. "Just try it!" she challenged. Gilbert laughed again and then tousled Haisley's hair. "No chance. My handsome face will be ruined by Crystal. And I'll be minced into crocodile food by your dad." He said again. Gilbert's left hand grabbed Haisley's suitcase handle while his right arm embraced her petite shoulders. "The parking lot is a bit far," he told Haisley. Haisley just nodded and matched the long strides of the man. "Ready for the adventure, huh?" he asked again.

Haisley raised her head, but Gilbert didn't look her way at all. "How is he?" she asked, curious. Yes, for the past six years, Gilbert had been her source of information. Fortunately, he didn't mind and always willingly helped her.

"Actually, he's not doing well," the man replied flatly.

"Meaning, he's sick?" Haisley asked, panicking.

Gilbert shrugged. "You'll find out later, H. But before that, I have to ask you again. Are you sure about Nathan?" he asked, uncertain. Haisley nodded enthusiastically. Of course, she was sure. Why else would she have fought this hard and come this far? "Are you sure you want to fight for him? Suppose he treats you badly, will you still endure it?" he asked again.

Haisley lifted the corner of her mouth. She understood Gilbert's question. And once again, she simply nodded her head in response. Gilbert then shrugged his shoulders, knowing that nothing could change his little friend's mind. He drew in a harsh breath and let it out.

"I can only help as much as I can. The rest, I can only pray for both of you," he said, sounding weary.

Haisley smiled and nodded. "Thanks, G," she said, and wrapped her tiny arms around Gilbert's large waist. "By the way, did your new hairstyle end up in the drain?" she teased again.

Gilbert snorted and tousled Haisley's hair again. "It's a Naruto cosplay. It's all the rage these days," Gilbert replied, annoyed. Haisley chuckled again. "Should we go straight to the house or have lunch first?"

"Lunch. I'm starving," Haisley answered in her playful tone. Gilbert laughed again and then nodded. He reached for the car keys from his pants pocket and pressed the remote button. He put Haisley's large suitcase in the back of his silver Land Rover and then opened the passenger door for her.

Haisley gracefully bowed before getting into the high car, making Gilbert laugh at her.

Gilbert drove his car and took her to a fast-food restaurant. Gilbert ordered a double cheese beef burger with soda for Haisley. As Haisley cut into the massive burger, her face almost dripping with drool, Gilbert said, "You know, I find you peculiar, H."

Haisley stopped her action and looked up at Gilbert. "Why?" she asked, puzzled.

"Your body is tiny, like a dwarf's aunt. But your appetite, well, it's like a giant's. How can you eat so much?"

Haisley squinted at Gilbert. She bit into the burger in one large bite, chewed it without caring about her image, then swallowed before replying. "You should know, huh? Girls who eat a lot are sexier than those who eat sparingly. They actually have big appetites, they just lose to their pride. They pretend to diet, eating salads, but at home, they eat three plates and ask for more."

Gilbert laughed and tousled Haisley's hair again. "Sure, sure. Eat as much as you want. Finish it. If necessary, with a bottle of mayonnaise," Gilbert teased. Haisley just nodded and continued chewing her burger.

"Princess, are we heading home?" Gilbert asked when he saw Haisley seemed to have swallowed all the food in her throat. Haisley nodded enthusiastically and accepted her friend's hand.

"How's life on campus?" he asked as they walked towards the car. "Comfortable?"

"Fun," she replied shortly. "Don't worry, living abroad isn't as scary as it sounds. There are many Indonesian students here. They have their own gatherings; I'll introduce you to them later." She said, opening the passenger door for Haisley before walking around to the driver's seat. "You'll be comfortable here. You'll feel at home. There's me, and you'll have plenty of friends from our country." She continued, glancing at Haisley. "And this is also a chance for you to change your mind, H. Who knows, maybe you'll find a guy on campus who's better than Nathan. There are plenty of handsome guys out there, you know?"

Haisley frowned disapprovingly and then sighed. "Don't even try to change my mind, G."

Gilbert chuckled at Haisley's irritated remark. "Well, it's just advice, H. As someone who knows both of you, I just don't want you to get hurt by him," he said, shrugging. "So, do you have a plan to get Nathan back?" he asked again.

Now it was Haisley's turn to shake her head in confusion. She turned and looked out the window, choosing not to meet Gilbert's gaze directly. "Nothing," she replied, clearly surprising Gilbert, who looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

They had entered the residential area where Gilbert lived, which Haisley was sure was not an ordinary housing complex with affordable prices.

Gilbert stopped his car in front of a two-story white house with large windows at the front. The house had a spacious and neatly arranged grassy yard. He took Haisley's suitcase out of the trunk and then pulled it with his right hand while his left arm embraced Haisley's shoulders.

"Don't be sad. We can think of a strategy to win Nathan back later," he said with enthusiasm. "As the saying goes, kill two birds with one stone." They walked side by side on the footpath that led them directly to the spacious porch at the front of the house. "Welcome to Chayton's residence," he said, stretching his arms wide before lifting Haisley's suitcase onto the porch. "I hope you'll be comfortable here," he said sincerely.

Haisley smiled at his words. She glanced to the right of the porch and saw a sturdy wooden swing hanging there. Not far from the swing, there were a pair of lounge chairs separated by a round table made of the same wood.

The man then opened the double doors, revealing a shoe cabinet that was directly connected to the living room and family room, furnished predominantly in cream and dark brown. There were no partitions in the room, so when they entered, Haisley could also see the kitchen area where an elderly, plump woman with graying hair seemed to be busy with her knife.

"Let me introduce you; this is Aunt Jody. She's been Papa's trusted person for ages. Besides taking care of the house, she's also responsible for feeding Nathan and me," he said, smiling. "Aunt Jody works only from Monday to Friday, from eight in the morning to four in the afternoon. She's off on Saturdays and Sundays. But if there's something important, we can call her. Her house is nearby, about five minutes from here if you drive." He continued, only nodded at by Haisley. "Aunty, she's Haisley," he simply said, and the woman smiled warmly and waved her hand. Haisley returned the gesture in the same manner.

"That's Mom and Dad's room," Gilbert said, pointing to the door on the left. "Next to it is the door to the basement. The laundry is there," he continued, walking past the sofa towards the stairs on the right wall. "That's your room," he pointed to a door under the stairs. "Inside, there's a connecting door that leads straight to his workspace. So, you can exit from there," he pointed to a door near the stairs. "Can you see the glass door next to the kitchen?" he asked Haisley, who nodded in response. "That's the door to the backyard. There's a swimming pool out there. Although I know you won't use it, but just a little advice, maybe you can enjoy the beautiful view there at night," he chuckled. "So, be cautious," he warned. Haisley just nodded, although she didn't fully understand.

"And up there, that's our room," he said, lifting Haisley's suitcase to climb the stairs.

Gilbert took the lead while Haisley followed from behind. "I need to warn you again. Nathan is extremely oblivious, so if you haven't met him yet, he'll never notice your presence, H," he stated matter-of-factly.

Hearing those words made Haisley smile. Of course, she knew what Nathan was like. Gilbert had told her more than once to stop liking his brother. But no matter how hard her friend tried to oppose it, Haisley's feelings for Nathan remained.

Whether she existed in reality or not, Haisley knew she was never seen by him. In Nathan's eyes, her name was never implied. Haisley also knew very well that the love she harbored for him was unrequited. She was fully aware-painfully aware-that Nathaniel only considered her a sister-perhaps even just a stranger.

And Haisley also knew-very well-who the woman Nathan truly desired was. Yet, selfishly, she chose to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye. She preferred to pretend not to know.

Not because Haisley never tried. Since the moment she found out who her beloved truly loved, from that moment on, she wanted to stop. She tried redirecting everything to activities she could engage in. She turned her studies into an outlet. Spent time with friends when she didn't have any other activities. She tried every way. But whenever she returned to her life, Nathan was the first word that crossed her mind.

Maybe it was because of habit. That was the term she often whispered to herself. She would be able to forget Nathan. But in the process, every time she tried to forget, she was haunted by longing for him. The feeling that had been ingrained for so long was incredibly difficult for her to erase. As a result, all she could do was pray that someday-sometime in the future-Nathan would eventually forget the woman he loved and look at Haisley. Realize that she had been there all along, admiring and loving him.