Loving Jude

"What will you give Eli for his birthday?"

I catch my roommate's gaze in the mirror before looking away. I know what I want to give Eli for his birthday. But I cannot tell her.

"You haven't gotten anything for him," she notes. "You're not going empty-handed, are you?"

I don't miss the accusing tone in Tori's voice. She probably has more to say but is holding back.

She has already bought him a present. I have no idea what it is, though. When she came back to the dorm with it, it was wrapped in gift paper and she maintained it was a secret.

"He did say we don't have to get him anything." I grab a scrunchie and tie one half of my curly hair at the back of my head.

"You can't be serious. The guy got you a box set of your favourite book series for your birthday. He only said that because he's sickening nice to you."

Tori is fond of reminding me of how Eli treats me sweetly. She also likes pointing out how blind I am to the fact that he likes me.

Elias is one of the first friends I made in campus. We got to know each other because he was friends with Tori, who has been my roommate since freshman year. But what made us grow closer is the fact that he's on the school football team while I'm a kinesiology major.

The football head coach is our exercise science professor, and he likes inviting the class to the field for practicals. We also have his classes in the Sports Complex, where gym facilities used by the school teams are located. Eli and I ran into each other many times and ended up becoming friends outside Tori's influence.

Am I blind to the fact that Eli likes me? That's impossible when the entire sports department 'ships' us together. As one of the popular guys in school, everybody is curious about who he's seeing. But since he broke up with his girlfriend from high school in freshman year, he has been single. We hang out a lot and many think we should 'date already'.

Besides public opinion about our relationship, Eli confessed to me. But even before he did, I knew. I would be lying if I said I didn't like him too.

It took a while to accept that what I felt for him was beyond friendship. After spending the past three years shielding my heart against romantic attachments successfully, my feelings came as a surprise.

I had known all along that he was special to me, and that's why we became fast friends. But me actually liking him enough to consider giving love another chance? That's another kind of special.

I tie the other half of my hair at the back of my head. "I have something planned for him."

"Really? What?"

"It's a secret." I ordered him a pair of cleats he has been coveting, but delivery has been delayed. Maybe they'll get here tomorrow. But that's not the only thing I have planned.

Tori rises from her bed and grabs her jacket. "I hope you're not lying. Let's go or we'll be late."

Eli's dorm is in campus, while we live about five minutes' walk from the school. As we walk towards his dorm building, there's an ongoing mantra in my mind:

It's tonight or never. Tonight or never. Tonight.

Tonight, I'm going to let go of what's holding me back and give Eli a chance.

Tonight, I'll let him go.

I've waited long enough. I've hurt enough. I need to get out of my mind and live my life.

When we get to Eli's dorm building, we head to the common room. While his dorm room is much more spacious than that of other students-a perk all members of the school's sports teams get-it's not enough to accommodate the party.

Eli is the starting forward of the school football team and undoubtedly the most popular player. Not only are his teammates going to be here, but crowds of admirers too.

We walk into an already busy room, with party music booming.

Tori squeals and bounces on her feet. "This is gonna be good!"

I look around, my eyes searching for a familiar face.

"Eli!" Tori yells and shoots forward.

I notice him then. A small smile covers my face as our eyes meet over Tori's head-she has rushed straight into his arms, hugging him.

I look away, suddenly shy. Out of the blue, my stomach is crawling with butterflies.

"Happy birthday!" Tori says excitedly as she lets him go. "Here!"

Eli accepts the wrapped gift with a raised brow. "What is this?"

"It's a surprise."

He chuckles. "Okay, I'll look at it later." His eyes lift to me. "Jo, are you going to just stand there?"

I approach, and he puts his arms out to pull me into a hug. I go willingly-excitedly-and press myself to him. He's tall and his chest is wide, and hugging him is one of my favourite things. He's so warm and cosy.

Someone comes calling his name and we pull apart.

"I've gotta go, but I'll find you later. Have fun."

I nod, and he walks away towards his friend.

"I'll get us drinks," Tori says and disappears.

I sigh and discreetly press an open palm to my chest. My heart is wilding out. Could he feel it?

"Fuck him already."

I startle and turn to the newcomer. It's Simon. I roll my eyes and elbow his side. "Shut up."

One of his arms rests on my shoulder. "No, but seriously. You've been ogling him since forever."

"Not true."

"Blah. Blah."

Tori reappears with two cans of beer in her hands. She hands one to me. "Hello, Simon."

He nods. "Tori."

She hooks her thumb over her shoulder. "I'll be with Kelly and the girls over there."

I snap the beer can open and take a gulp after she's gone. Only after I'm done do I notice the look Simon is giving me. "What?"

"Am I missing something?"

"Like what?"

"Why are you drinking so easily? I usually have to wrestle you to get you to take a sip."

I shrug. "This one barely has alcohol in it."

"You still always chose Sprite over it."

I want him to let it go, but he doesn't look about to. Knowing him, he has probably picked up on something. Whenever I'm busy hiding things from others, he always figures me out. I guess that's what best friends are for.

He slips his hands into his jeans' pockets and rocks on his sneakers. "You'll need something stronger than that if you're looking for liquid courage."

I swallow and stare at the floor. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Let's not fool each other. Come with me."

He grabs my hand and brings me with him. He leads me through the living area to the kitchen. There are kids everywhere. We come to a stop in front of a large collection of alcohol on the kitchen island.

"Now, look. I don't advise being drunk your first time. Knowing him, he'll not touch you in that state."

My eyes grow into saucepans. "Simon!"

"I'm right, aren't I?"

I groan and stare at the ceiling. "Yeah."

I don't know why I thought for a second that I could hide it from Simon. I've joked numerous times that I would go to him for advice when I finally decided to have sex, but when the moment came, I became too embarrassed. I was only going to mention it after the deed.

Now that he knows, I guess I can take advantage of his extensive knowledge.

I'm suddenly engulfed in a hug. His cologne assaults my senses. "Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?"

"Me to have sex?"

"No... I mean yes." He laughs.

I push him away. "You are shameless."

He arches an eyebrow. "You getting to this point means you're finally ready to be happy again."

His words tug at a spot in my heart. "I am happy."

He gives me a soft smile. "You know what I mean."

I nod. Yes, I do.

He rubs his palms together and turns to the collection of alcohol. "Okay. The secret is not having too much. You want to be excited but not drunk out of your mind."

I guess I'm really doing this.

"Do you want to leave? I can walk you to your place."

I shake my head. "No, I don't want to go anywhere."

A small crease forms on Eli's brow as he gives me a scrutinising glance. "Okay."

I smile and hold his hand tighter. It's sometime after midnight. Parties are not my favourite scene and when I have to attend one, I don't stay around until this late. It's no surprise he's wondering why I'm in no hurry to leave.

We're sitting on one of the couches, watching a drinking game some kids are having. I was sitting on my own when he noticed me and came over. A few seconds after he did, I reached out my hand to trace patterns on the back of his. When he entwined our fingers, I accepted his grip wholeheartedly.

He covers a yawn with the back of his hand. "Will I be a bad host if I leave now? I'm honestly tired."

"No. You should sleep early. They're fine having fun by themselves."

While I say that calmly, my heart is rioting. He does look tired. Should I leave him be? Should I go back to my room? But I've worked up so much courage for this. What if I never get another chance?

"But I also want to stay longer," he says. "With you."

My eyes find his light brown ones. His fringe is long, with wisps of hair falling over his eyes.

"I'll come with you," I tell him.

His brow lifts. "What?"

I swallow, my throat suddenly dry. "Your room. I mean..." I shrug. "We can... I can..."

Fuck, where did my liquid courage go? Why am I stammering?

His eyes search my face, which grows hotter by the second.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

I nod.

He maintains his gaze on me for several more seconds. Then he rises to his feet and brings me with him. "Let's go."

Before I can suggest that maybe he should let the others know he's leaving, we're outside the room and heading upstairs. Our hands are still gripping each other.

His room is on the fourth floor. He has no roommate at the moment, but he's getting one tomorrow.

He switches on the light when we walk in and he closes the door behind him. His dorm room has a living area with space for a kitchenette and two bedrooms. It's one of the newest and most luxurious dorms on campus.

After taking off my shoes, I go into the bathroom near the entrance. I gape at my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks are flushed. It's so obvious I'm excited.

I study the rest of my face. I don't look too bad. My hair is still in place too. I inhale deeply. I'm in his room. This is the first part. Now I need to find a way to move things to the next level.

I wonder what he thinks about me asking to accompany him to his room so late. Does he think it's weird? I've been here before this late, but never alone. Many times, it was a sleepover in which Simon, Tori, or another of our friends was involved. Never just the two of us.

When I walk out of the bathroom, the balcony door is open and Eli is leaning against the balustrade. I walk through the living room to the balcony and stand beside him. The night wind is cool, and the view is refreshing. Eli's dorm has a great view-lush gardens that merge into the woods that surround the campus.

My nails dig into my fingers as I contemplate my next move. Why am I suddenly out of ideas when I've been planning this night in my mind for the past week?

"The night is beautiful," I mumble, for lack of something better to say.

"It is. And so are you."

I peek at him to find his eyes on me. I return his smile, but that turns into a gasp when he wraps his hand around my waist and pulls me against him.

His other hand caresses my cheek. "I've been thinking about kissing you since that day."

My eyes widen as my pulse picks up. By 'that day', I know exactly what he's referring to.

Last weekend, the football team had an away game five hours away. I'm currently on internship-I was lucky to get it with the school's sports department-so I tagged along with the fitness trainer.

We came away with a win, but that isn't the most memorable part for me. On the ride back, I sat beside Eli. At some point-around 10 pm with half of the bus dozing off-he wrapped his arm around my neck, pulled me in, and kissed me. It was our first kiss.

He's not the only one who has been thinking about it ever since.

I rise to my toes and peck his lips. "Stop just thinking about it," I whisper.

Maybe that courage is finally working.

His lips stretch in a smile, seconds before his mouth claims mine. My hands anchor on his arms as I stretch my body to make up for my shorter height. His hands go lower, wrap around the back of my thighs, and hoist me up.

With me clinging to him like a koala to a tree trunk, he walks us back into the dorm. Seconds later, my back lands on the soft cushions of his couch. He settles above me, with my legs framing his body on both sides.

My heart is beating like crazy and I'm almost out of breath.

"Tell me when you want to stop," he whispers, his lips a hair's breadth from mine.

I shake my head. "I don't want to."

"What?"

"I don't want to stop."

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. "Are you sure?"

I nod.

He pulls away and gets off the couch. I take his hand when he holds it out. He leads me to his bedroom, and I know everything between us changes tonight.

And that's okay because I want it to.

***

I wake up in the morning to find a pair of light brown eyes staring at me.

"Morning, Jo."

"Morning."

Eli leans forward. When I realise what he means to do, I clap my palm over my mouth.

He lifts an eyebrow. "Are you going shy on me now?"

"I haven't brushed!"

"It's fine-"

He trails off as I roll away from him and end up on the floor. His deep laugh permeates the room. I come to my feet, brushing hair from my face.

Cool air kisses my legs and that's when I realise I'm in nothing but his shirt and my underwear. I tug on the shirt, which thankfully reaches to my mid-thigh, and head towards the door. "Bathroom," I mumble, disappearing from his sight.

When I come back out, he's drinking a glass of water at the kitchen sink.

"Can I get my kiss now?" he teases, a slight smirk on his lips.

I step forward and press a quick peck on his lips.

He lets me get away but doesn't shut up about it. "God, you're so cute."

"Shut up."

"Cutie cutie Jo. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Whatever you make."

"I'm making for three, by the way."

"Is someone coming over?"

"My new roommate landed about an hour ago. He's coming over right away."

"Right now?"

He nods.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I told you he was coming today."

"You didn't mention he would be here so early!" I whine and rush to the bedroom to look for my jeans.

His laugh follows me. "You're not leaving, are you?"

"Not before eating, no."

"Am I not a good enough reason to stay?"

"Not with your new roommate around."

"I'm sure he doesn't bite."

I roll my eyes as I pull my legs into my jeans.

"You should come with me to show him around," he says when I emerge from the bedroom.

"Feed me first and I'll think about it." My eyes land on the pile of gifts from last night, on the carpet beside the coffee table. He must have brought them up sometime before we came to the room. "You haven't checked your gifts yet."

"Why don't you help me unwrap?"

"Sure?"

He murmurs in assent as he pulls out a pan.

I spy Tori's gift from the pile and consider beginning with it. She said it's a secret but Eli doesn't mind me seeing what he got. Should I look?

"Can I open Tori's present? She wanted to keep it secret."

"Go ahead."

My curiosity winning, I unwrap the paper to reveal a small box. Given its size, I imagine there is jewellery of some sort inside. When I open it, I see a bracelet.

"It's a bracelet."

"See? Nothing controversial."

I lift the accessory, frowning. "It looks-"

"What?"

"Aged."

"Aged?"

"Worn. Old."

He turns away from the stove. "Let me see-" His eyes widen when he sees it. Rushing forward, he grabs it. "Where did she find this? I lost it years ago."

"It belonged to you?"

He nods. "We had a matching pair made like... When we were ten or something. I lost mine in high school. This is it."

"She probably found it and decided to surprise you."

A frown etches on his brow. "I wonder why she would give it back."

"Why wouldn't she?"

"We-" He shakes his head. "Nothing." He shoves it in his shorts' pocket and turns back to the sizzling pan on the stove.

Looks like there's a story behind that, but I don't push.

I'm almost done opening the gifts when there's a knock on the door. Eli and I exchange glances.

"Is it him?"

"Probably."

"I'll get it," I say, seeing as there's something sizzling on the pan.

"No, I got it," he says, stepping to the door.

I begin gathering the empty wrappers as he opens the door. I rise to dump the papers in the bin just as he pulls the door wide open.

My eyes flick past him to the guy standing at the door.

All blood drains from my head as I take in his face.

It's him.

It's Jude.

"Elias Kim?"

He hasn't seen me yet.

I'm glued to the floor when all I want to do is disappear.

Am I dreaming?

Hallucinating, maybe?

Eli bends to grasp the handle of the suitcase standing between them. "That's me. But you can call me Eli."

Jude looks up over him, and his eyes finally find me.

Eli straightens and pulls the luggage into the room. "Come in."

The paper in my hands crinkles noisily as my fingers close around it.

Eli says something, but I don't hear a word.

Jude doesn't move an inch past the threshold. His blue eyes bore into me, surprise evident on his face.

Surprise? More like shock.

Something pokes my arm.

Then a hand waves in front of my face.

I snap my eyes from Jude to find Eli trying to gain my attention.

He gives me a confused look. "Jo?"

I suck in a deep breath and drop the paper to the floor. "Bathroom. I need to use the bathroom."

I feel Jude's eyes on me as I close the distance to the bathroom-which is, in this situation, so inconveniently close to the front door.

The moment I close the door behind me, I rush for the toilet bowl. Out of nowhere, my stomach is queasy. But nothing comes out, only empty retches.

I sit back on the floor, pressing my back to the wall between the toilet and the shower curtain.

I pinch myself. Unfortunately, I don't wake from a dream.

This is real. It's happening.

That is Jude at the door.

Jude.

And he's Eli's new roommate.

How is this not a dream?

I try to calm down my breathing, but it proves futile. My heart isn't giving me a break either.

My hand reaches for my pocket, subconsciously reaching for my phone. The only thing I can think of right now is getting out of here. Once I'm out of here, maybe I can process what's happening. I mean to call Simon, but I realise my phone is still in Eli's room.

I don't know how long I remain there, huddled into myself. Probably a long time because I don't move until there's rapping on the door followed by Eli's voice.

"Jo? Are you okay?"

I come to my feet and wipe my clammy hands on my shirt. Eli's shirt.

I cross to the door and pull it partially open. I meet Eli's worried gaze through the small opening. "I need to go."

"Why? I'm done with breakfast. And you haven't said hi to my roommate."

"It's an emergency."

"What's wrong?"

"It's my period. I need pads." The lie flies off my lips effortlessly. It's the best I can think of.

"Oh. Oh. Are you okay to get back like this? Let me get them for you. I can get one from the next room."

I shake my head. "I'll be fine until I get to my place."

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"Okay. Umh-"

"Can you get me my phone? And jacket."

"I'll be a sec," he says and disappears. I pull the door shut and wait.

Eli gets back with my jacket and phone. I pull the jacket on, then reach my foot out to bring my shoes closer. After I put them on, I face him again with an apologetic smile. "I'll call you later."

He leans in and kisses my forehead. "Okay."

He steps to the side and opens the front door for me. This time around, the distance between the bathroom and the front door is heaven-sent.

I don't dare look back as I cross the threshold into the hallway. With a final wave goodbye, Eli closes the door.

I all but sprint down the hallway.

I dial Simon's number as I take the stairs.

When he receives the call, he grunts into the phone. He's still sleeping.

"I'm coming over," I tell him.

Another grunt.

"Jude is back."

Silence.

"What?"

He's finally awake.

***

Simon gulps down a glass of water, his fingers massaging his temple.

"Sit down, you're making me dizzy."

"That's your hangover, not me."

"This is all you. You cannot wake me up at eight o'clock after a night of drinking with such news!"

"It's nine o'clock."

"Not the point."

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. I don't know. I can't think."

Makes two of us.

Simon jumps to his feet. "I need a shower."

He's gone towards the bathroom before I can stop him.

I keep up with my pacing and nail biting until he reappears, hair wet and looking much better.

He takes a seat on the couch in his living room. Simon shares a two-bedroom apartment with Isaac. But, Isaac went home for the weekend, so it's just him.

"Okay, now you can tell me."

"I've already told you."

He shakes his head. "No. Tell me how you feel."

How I feel? I don't know how I feel! Totally confused would cover it.

"Shocked."

"That's expected."

"Simon!"

"Okay. So. You slept with Eli last night."

"Yes."

"Because you thought you were finally over Jude, and had waited long enough. Then he shows up right after."

I groan and take a seat beside him. "And because I like Eli."

"Then you left without saying anything to him."

"Is there anything I could have said?"

He shrugs. "How did he react?"

"Surprised."

"There's only one way around this."

"Which is?"

"That closure you never got. You need to talk to him. Find out what happened."

"I've only recently managed to let him go, Simon. I can't."

"Is that why you are here? Because him showing up didn't shake you up?"

"You don't understand. It'll take me back. Everything I've done to heal all this time will be for nothing."

What if he confirms my worst fears?

He promised to come back to me, but he never so much as sent a text message. Three years of nothing but radio silence.

The only explanation I could come up with was that he let me go and decided I had no place in his life.

I accepted that because was I not the reason he left in the first place? I was bad for him. If he had to cut me off to get better, I couldn't resent him for that.

But accepting that was way easier than forgetting him. My feelings festered long after I had given up hope of us, and the pain lasted even longer.

Not to mention the guilt. That maybe if I'd been more attuned to what was going on in his mind, we never would have ended up where we did.

One of my biggest fears was that he didn't love me anymore and couldn't care less. Would it not have been less cruel to at least let me know when he decided to let me go?

It would have hurt, but it would have been better than being in the dark. I wouldn't have waited for so long, keeping hope in my heart that only hurt me in the end.

My worst fear was that he had never truly loved me. That all along, I was an obsession and nothing more.

"That's the only way," Simon insists. "Unless you plan on ignoring him forever. Or unless you really don't want answers."

I know Simon is right.

There's no way to escape him when he is Eli's roommate.

Besides, I've moved on. I shouldn't feel guilty for moving on. I'm sure he won't hold that against me. Just like I decided not to hold his silence against him.

Maybe we can start on a clean slate.

Simon chews on his bottom lip. "Jo, are you sure?"

"About what?"

"That your feelings for him are gone."

"I like Eli now."

"I know, but-"

"It doesn't matter, Simon."

I've come too far to turn back.

He lets that go. "What is he doing here, anyway?"

"It's a credit transfer. He'll also be joining the football team. That's why he's Eli's roommate."

"So you'll be seeing a lot of him."

I nod.

"Did he know you go here?"

I shrug. "If he bothered to ask, he knows."

"I've wanted to smack him for so long, and now here he is. Maybe I'll get my chance."

When Jude never kept his promise, Simon was the most incensed. Maybe because he's the one who was there whenever I broke down, and he's the only one who knows exactly how miserable I was.

Him and Cole.

"Maybe you should," I mutter.

So, yes, I let it go.

But now, I'm reminded of what I went through only because Jude chose silence. Whatever went on, he should have told me.

I take a seat beside Simon and sigh heavily.

Has he told Eli that he knows me?

Should I let Eli know that he's the person I've been hung up on all this time?

I guess I'll not know what to do until I see him again.