Love and Letters (Ari and Sebastian's Story)

Diary # 6, The First Entry

(September 3, 2013)

I pause and stare at the mess in my bedroom. Man, is it so hard to unpack. My suitcases are on the bed, clothes bursting out of them. My books, which I unearthed from their boxes a while ago, are scattered on the floor along with my school things. I start piling them on top of each other, counting them as I do. A hundred and three books in different sizes, all pertaining to English literature. I wonder if I would be able to use them here at Hector Park High School, where I would be a Freshman this year. Most of its students are Korean or half-Korean like me so I highly doubt they take English Lit that seriously. But that was the least of my worries.

What really twists my stomach is the thought of seeing them again. The boys. My childhood friends.

I just don't know how they'll react. It's been a long time. Though I miss them, I even wish for them to secretly hope they won't recognize me, if only for my sanity. They probably won't.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look so different than I did back then. I've grown a foot taller and my skin is paler now. The red hair that I kept short as a kid is now darker and falls past my shoulders down to my waist. I also feel completely and irrevocably different inside, and more than my appearance, I think it would be the main reason why I would be a stranger to them now.

Sighing, I stop glaring at myself in the mirror and finish stacking my books carefully on the floor, for now, as I'm still waiting on the shelves I ordered online to be delivered. My diaries go into the locked ornate box beside me. I'm currently on my fifth journal, which is also close to being used up, thanks to my incessant writing. Finally, I turn to my clothes, folding them and putting them inside the built-in cabinet facing my bed. Satisfied with my progress in tidying up, my eyes catch the time on my wristwatch. It's almost seven pm. Time to stop worrying and get dinner.

I make my way to the restaurant nearest my dorm and quickly order as I get to the table. As usual, I pore over my journal and start penning my latest entry, determined to recount every bit of my boring life, hoping the act itself can make it more interesting. I think of my therapist, who is a firm advocate of word vomiting on pages of paper. She will be so proud of me.

I have written a full three pages of text before the waitress goes back to me. "Here's your order, Ma'am."

I smile politely at her, nodding my head.

She returns the smile, puts down the steak I ordered on the table, and goes back to work. I slowly start eating, forcing the food down my throat despite it making me want to puke. I guess I still don't have my appetite.

"Quit it, Brad." an annoyed voice says not far beside me.

I tense, the familiarity of it sending a chill down my spine. I turn and stare, realizing how much I missed that voice.

Sebastian.

The sight of him almost makes me want to stand up, call out his name, and hug him. But I hold back, citing the changes in him instead. He's taller now, and although I can only see one side of his face, I can tell how defined his features have become, his cheeks no longer as chubby as I remember them. I always knew he was going to be handsome, just like I did our other friends. Their families...our families were known to have good genes, all children of actors and businessmen whose looks became the foundation of their success. The boys clearly inherited them. The people around me told me I got my mother's beauty, too, but I don't see really see it. As far as I'm concerned, I'm the odd one out.

Taking my eyes off Sebastian, who hadn't noticed my ogling (thank God), I study the person in front of him.

Brandon, or Brad, as we call him.

I want to run to him, too, and tuck him under my arm. But of course, he is now much taller than me, and I don't think that would be appropriate now that we're grown. Brad was the clown of the group, the one who always told the most annoying yet adorable jokes, and judging by the way he grins at Seb's scolding, I can immediately tell that hadn't changed. I also notice his heavily lined eyes, which made me cringe. What in the hell made him think that was a good idea? Has he gone completely mad since I left?

"Then quit thinking about her." Brad is saying. They still haven't noticed me.

"I am not." Seb sounds defensive. I almost smile, remembering the first time we all started having love lives. It became the bulk of our conversations really quickly, and I'm guessing not much has changed since then.

"Sure you are, and it is not cool, Seb. This is the stage where you look for another girl. Jesus, it's been three weeks already." Brad replies, "Have a bit of fun."

"A normal person with a heart doesn't move on that quickly, Brandon. Sometimes, it even takes a year. We were together for three years. How do you expect me to react?" Seb says, scrunching his forehead.

Brad thinks about this for a minute. "Well, yeah, man. But you need to thrive, bro, or you'll drown. I'm just concerned about you, you know. If you keep thinking about her, you'll miss out on a lot of things. Just look at that girl on the table beside us."

I choke on my drink rather ungracefully at what Brad said. Drat it. So they noticed me. Quickly, I hide behind my hair, grateful for its volume. I feel their eyes on me and my cheeks heat. I try to keep my grip on my fork and continue to eat, thanking the gods that they hadn't recognized me. I don't think I'm ready for that yet, and the boys would have a heart attack once they take a good look at me. I absolutely can't let them see right now, the way I am.

And especially not him. David. Thank God he isn't here with them. I don't know if I could keep the tiniest bit of calm if he's here with them right now.

It seems like a million years, but I finally feel their eyes leave me. I let out the breath that I've been holding as I hear Brad yelp, presumably from Seb whacking him in the head for making a stranger uncomfortable. After that, they do not mention me anymore in their conversation, and I honestly do not know if I should feel relieved or disappointed. Nevertheless, I keep my eyes down.

Moments later, I hear Brad excuse himself from the table, and with my heart in my throat, I dare to surreptitiously glance in their direction again.

What the hell?

Seb's eyes. When did he start looking at me again? Why haven't I noticed it?

His head is inclined and his eyebrows are met in the middle as if he's trying to piece together a puzzle in front of him. My panic goes up a notch as we stare at each other, unmoving. Before he recognizes me, I gather m senses and hastily put down my spoon and fork, clattering them on the plate ungracefully. I leave some cash on the table and scramble out of the restaurant as if it has just been set on fire. And the entire time, I sense Seb's eyes on me.

Examining me. Testing me. As if I were a witness on a stand, lying through my teeth.

Typical Seb.

I walk all the way back to my dorm, calming the pounding in my heart as I remember those eyes. I was about to open my door when I notice my empty hands. I stop, almost falling into the pavement. Shoot.

My diary. I left my diary in there.

"What do you think will happen if I start telling everyone your deepest, darkest secrets?"

I crumple the paper in my hands as a familiar black shroud covered me. My diary from 2013. It's been two years and I still haven't found it. Instead, I get this. A clear threat. The third one I've gotten this week. Whoever has my diary really has it in for me. I need to figure out who this person is and stop them before they can start doing so. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes my head ache. And it's the start of Senior Year, too, when it's the busiest time for us in the Student Council.

"Do you think I can do photography?" A deep, cheerful voice calls behind me. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. I desperately schooled my features into something bright before turning to Cal.

He's wearing a dark gray sweater and black pants today, his curly brown hair wild on his head. Calvin Park. Music and art enthusiast. And the baby of our group of friends.

"I believe you can do anything you want, Cal," I tell him with a smile. I'm not just saying that lightly. I truly believe he can pull it off. He breathes and lives the life for it. His family owns several art museums in the country and dominates the music industry with its several successful labels. And just most recently, they established a school for music and the arts. He has been surrounded by that all his life, it's basically his identity.

"I don't know. It's really hard. It might take years for me to get the hang of it, and my schedule's already packed...." Cal starts to blather, as usual. It's his crutch, whenever something bothers him or if his game console is not around. It can be annoying at times. But the fidgeting and fussiness are his ADHD and autism diagnoses, and it's not Cal.

"You'll be fine. I can help you plan your schedule if you want." I say to him.

Cal's face brightened, "Really? You're the best Ari." Cal replied.

"Boo!" a voice creeps up behind us.

I startle, almost dropping the books that I've dug up from my locker. "Brad, I swear to God..." I turn to the guy with kohl-lined eyes, ready to smack the back of his head. But Cal has already beaten me to it.

"Ow! Dude! How many times do I have to tell you that you're not allowed to do that? That's Ari's job." Brad whined, rubbing the back of his neck. My eyes narrow at the gigantic bracelet he's wearing, one clearly meant for a girl. But I don't comment. Whatever new fashion statement their company is coming up with these days, it's getting more preposterous by the second.

I scoff, "Because I have small hands and won't make much damage?"

"Exactly, " Brad says, then grabs my arm, "Now, come with me."

"Hey! I saw and talked to her first," Cal protests, indignant. His hand circles my other wrist, and now I'm stuck in a tug-of-war between the two of them.

I don't resist, used to it by now, although my arms strain from almost being pulled in two. People have started to stare at us, too, but that happens on a daily basis even without the boys doing stupid things. Besides, I see Seb heading towards us. He'll put an end to this.

"Seb--" I start to say, but something in his expression stops me. It's like he didn't even notice what is happening around him. Brad picked up on it, too, releasing me. In the process, Cal falls backward.

"Aagh! What was that?!" Cal whimpers on the floor. I lose my balance sideways and trip over him. I close my eyes waiting for the fall. But Seb snaps out of whatever haze he's in just enough to reach out toward me, stopping my fall. His grip on my arms is warm and steady.

"Wh-What are you--?' I stammer, suddenly unable to meet his hooded eyes. I stare at his chest, my heart pounding, "Is everything okay?"

"Are you done with class? We need to talk," he tells me quietly.

"Uh-uh. No! I found Ari first." Cal complains from the floor, still unable to pick up what's going on. "Mine's an emergency so whatever's going on with you, man. It's just going to have to wait."

"How about I'll help you instead?" Brad tells Cal, glancing at me meaningfully. "Now tell me all about it, okay?" He assists Cal from the floor. The latter continues to grumble but Brad grabs his head and makes him follow. I watch them leave, frowning.

"Let's go," Seb tells me.

"Oh, okay...." I answer hesitantly, my smile awkward. "Though I wouldn't mind you telling me what this is all about too, you know. Just so I can prepare?"

"Dad wants to talk to us," Seb says.

"Oh," I mutter, immediately falling silent as I walk beside him. Now that makes sense. Only Lucien can get this kind of reaction from Seb. It's been constant friction between them. Seb not wanting to follow in his father's footsteps as a doctor. But Seb has been handling it well lately, taking it in stride. This is something different.

Not for the first time, I lament the fact that even though my intuition is spot-on with everyone else. Just one look at them, and I can pretty much guess what they're thinking. But I can never do it with Seb.

"He's waiting for us outside. He also told me to tell you..." Seb takes a deep breath before finishing, "...that you'll be moving in with us as soon as possible."

I stop walking, "What? Why?" I ask. It isn't that I have a problem moving in with them. Lucien used to be my stepfather, after all. And Seb, my stepbrother, for that matter. They've asked me and I considered it when I moved back here during Freshman year, but felt too ashamed to do so. I don't understand why they're asking again now, and why it seems like I have no choice in the matter.

"Seb. Seriously, what is going on?" I ask him, but he still gives me no answer and just keeps on walking, "Sebastian Laurent!"

The world stops and everyone stares at me s if I'd gone mad. Normally, I'd have felt more embarrassed, but Seb's just being too much.

My scream must've worked though because he stops and turns back to me, hands in his pocket. My heart catches in my throat. In that stance, he looks like someone else we know. Our best friend Dave. The one who I am hopelessly, irrevocably in love with, despite his relationship with another friend of mine, Dina.

Seb inclines his head at me and for a second I fear that he's somehow read my mind. So, I clear my throat, "Sorry. I just--you're just being weird and it's giving me anxiety."

He blinked, "I know. I'm sorry. I just didn't want to be the one to tell you."

"Tell me what?" I ask him.

Seb is silent for a while, then he says, "Your mother has died, Ari. I'm sorry."

They come at me all at once in Seb's spacious living room. Upon learning what happened, they came straight from school. Simon, the gentlest of us all, immediately wrapped me in a hug. I feel warm and protected for a bit and it makes me smile.

That is until Brad, dramatic as ever, wraps me and Simon from behind while he cries, "I'm so sorry for not coming here sooner. You'll be okay, right? Please tell me you'll be okay."

Brad's wailing makes Simon struggle, but he can't let go either, because Kier had joined the hug, followed by Cal, who seems disgusted at the thought but did it anyway. Seb is the only one who doesn't join the task of suffocating me, which I appreciate. But he doesn't make any attempts to stop it either. The jerk.

"Okay...okay, guys! Enough...I can't...I can't breathe." I say. Besides, I don't deserve it.

Three years. I haven't seen my mother for that long. But even as her death becomes more real every minute, I can't bring myself to grieve.

"What happened to her?" Kier asks softly.

"It was late-stage breast cancer." Lucien's voice comes from outside the door. He acknowledges the boys with a serious nod before turning to me, "Ari, I'm guessing Sebastian's already told you the news. May I talk with you privately?"

I blink my eyes at him, nodding.

"Come with us, too, Sebastian," Lucien added, glancing at his son.

I look at Seb, his face is still unreadable. But when I meet his eyes, he nods at me reassuringly. And that is all I needed. Silently, we follow Lucien to his study together, our friends wisely refraining from any noise as they take in the gravity of the situation.

"Ari. You know you can tell me anything, right? Just because I'm no longer your stepfather, it doesn't mean that I don't care for you anymore. I made a promise to be there for you no matter what, remember? I plan on keeping that, Ari. But you need to be honest with me first." Lucien says as soon as we arrive in the room. "I still don't know why you left your Mom and her new husband in California."

My breath caught at the question and I tear at my nails with my hands, considering my next words. "I thought we talked about this," I tell him, feigning a smile, "Mom and I just thought it best that I move back here since I'm more comfortable here anyway. But she of course couldn't leave her life there just for me. So I left."

None of my words convinced him, I'm sure of it. Why would they? My Mother is dead. And I haven't shed a single tear about it yet. Something has changed between us before I left, and it's obvious to everyone.

For a second, I expect Lucien to probe further, and I ready myself. But he nods instead, sighing, "Very well. I guess none of that is any of my business. I guess I should just be glad she at least trusted me with you, even if...well...even when our divorce was ugly."

Seb clears his throat, and I feel like doing the same. To say that our parents' divorce was ugly is an understatement. But that isn't what struck me from what he said.

"You talked to Mom?!" I exclaimed accusingly, the panic rising in my throat. "Why would you do that? She--she didn't tell you anything, did she?"

Lucien raises his eyebrows, "Tell me what exactly, Ari?"

I stop, realizing my mistake.

"That's enough, Dad," I start at the sound of Seb's voice. I almost forget he's beside me, still uncharacteristically quiet since the day started. "You promised you wouldn't interrogate her."

"Not interrogation, son. I'm merely asking a question."

"A question that doesn't matter anymore. Ari's mother is dead. We should be comforting her, not asking her what went wrong between the two of them. It's none of our business anyway." Seb said.

"Nothing went wrong--" I start to say, but since I am meeting Seb's eyes this time, I falter. I can't press on any further. He knows me too much. If I open my mouth now, everything will spill out.

"Sebastian's right. I apologize, Ari," Lucien is saying, "I didn't ask to talk so I can interrogate you about your Mom."

He walks toward me, planting his wide hands on both of my shoulders. I remember being intimidated by his height when I was a kid. Not much has changed now. But there is warmth in his brown eyes. They were warm back then, too, and I lived for those days when I used to call him 'father'.

"Listen, dearest, I know that the brief moment we had together as a family wasn't...the happiest. But I did love your mother, and I came to love you, too. I still do. I really want to keep that promise, if you'll let me."

"I love you, too," I tell Lucien without hesitation, "But if you're talking about adopting me officially this time, I'm sorry but I can't allow it. I won't be your charity case."

"But where will you go? I talked to your Mom, Ari. She said you took nothing with you when you left. No money, no clothes. You didn't even say goodbye."

"I still have money left to pay for the dorms for the rest of senior year. The food is free there, so I won't have to spend money on that, too. And you know I can find a job right after graduation." I explain fast.

"What about college? You want to go to college." Seb says quietly.

I hesitate. As usual, he knows exactly what to say. And sometimes, I hate him for it.

I open my mouth to respond, but Seb cuts me off, "Marry me, instead. And go to college, and write as much as you want. That won't be a charity. You would be my wife, living life as you please."