Love Is Not A Fiction

For about three months now, I have hardly left the bedroom. More precisely, from a small room next to the kitchen, which was previously used by the servants. There were several such rooms in the house, and most of them were now empty. There was no room for me in the dormitory that I used to share with my sisters. With Loya and Heli, my younger sisters, we were now separated not only by age. My parents moved me away from the girls so that "not to set a bad example for my sisters and not to frighten them," as my father said then.

This decision was spontaneous, based on emotions, and after that dad even apologized and offered to come back, but I did not dare. I was too worried about everything, and I didn't want the girls to worry because of me.

In addition to the words about the bad example, I had to hear a lot more. Mostly extremely sharp and unfair, but even this was not the most unbearable. It seemed to me that now I was hated and despised by everyone, or almost everyone. My father, my fiancé, or rather, the former fiancé, his parents, who are also part-time partners of the pope in business, and also every caring city dweller who considers it his duty to procrastinate vile news every day, seasoning it with new details. In the opinion of honorable citizens, it was I who tarnished the good name of the family and brought filth and discord to our house and to the house of an honest and respected groom. And it was necessary for this to happen, arranged this right on the eve of the engagement. Slutty girl, - they whispered in the back, and without even looking, I imagined how their faces twisted.

Hypocrites.

That life that was before seemed to me now nothing but a bright, warm dream. Now I was as if in darkness and wished that she would let me go, because there was no strength left to fight. And what could I? The process was started and there was no stopping it. It was useless to prove anything. It only remained to wait for a new reason for gossip to arise that could divert attention from me.

It doesn't matter how it happened or under what circumstances. Nobody needed excuses. Especially given that the one who did this nasty trick with me is higher than our family in status and ten times richer. I'm sure I'm just one of many on his list of lucky ones he decides to play a prank on in this or that way. Destroyer of fates, fuck him!

And I'm good, do not say anything. She turned up under the arm of a psycho and ruined the life of not only herself, but also her family. Although it was not talked about openly, I recently overheard the gardener talking to the cook. Things are going very badly at my father's firm. My fiancé's parents want to break off all relations with my family, including business ones, turning everything around so that we are left with nothing. Personal insult, yes. And so that the reputation of one of the best furniture factories in the city does not suffer.

And just as it began to seem to me that it simply couldn't get any worse, something happened that made me desperately want to scream and cry. Which I did, burying my head in the pillow so that no one would hear how I was going crazy from impotence and injustice.

***

A short knock on the door made me jump. The flame of the candle swung, drawing terrible moving shadows on the walls. I did not turn on the overhead light, getting ready for bed, and then I got carried away reading and did not notice how completely dark it was.

Was the father drunk again? Previously, this almost never happened, but because of everything that fell upon our family, he began to break down. He mostly drank at night, when the house was plunged into darkness, and thoughts and sorrows were especially strong. I shuddered involuntarily, imagining yet another scandal. Gossip, newspapers, even photography... This has been harassing us so far. Someone deliberately fomented the conflict, provoked the nerves, did not let people forget. The hype was only now gradually beginning to subside, and for this the parents had to make a lot of efforts. And I'm partly to blame myself. Was at the wrong time, in the wrong place. And this guilt ate at my heart.

The knock was repeated. I quickly got up and silently approached the door. I listened. Silence. OK. She cautiously opened the door, cautiously stepping aside.

"Hello," my mother greeted in a barely audible voice, and entered the room.

She briefly but tenaciously examined me from head to toe and looked away. Yes, she was embarrassed to look at her eldest daughter. Pale, emaciated. This only made it worse for me, because my mother was too worried, and I did not want her to suffer. She didn't want anyone, except for the man who caused it all to begin.

"Hi Mom," I greeted softly.

Mom closed the door and stood next to me. I wrapped my arms around myself. Not from the cold. I would like to hug my mother, but I still remembered how that evening when I returned home, she did not dare to comfort me. Or didn't you want to? And later she didn't either. At first I thought it was because of my father's anger. But after that, the confidence began to grow in me that she was simply ashamed of me.

"Soon a gentleman will come to us. He wanted to talk about the engagement," Mom said, and looked away again.

It was only now that I realized that she was excited. So. What other engagement?

"But it's still too early for girls to get married. Why such a hurry? It's because of me? – I said, also starting to get nervous.

"He's coming for you," she said firmly, finally looking directly at me. - Behind you, Amy.

The heart sank into the heels. Is this some kind of bad joke?

"Amy, this is our chance," Mom whispered softly. - An influential gentleman. Rich. With him, everyone will quickly forget about ... - she stopped, cast a guilty look. - Hmmm. About the incident. I'm begging you, daughter. Do your best. For us. For the sisters. Otherwise, they will have to forget about a good couple. The reputation of the family... It's not for me to explain to you.

- Yes mom. I understood. I know," she interrupted her speech, already realizing that I had no choice and never would.

Mom took a step towards me, pity flickered in her eyes. She squeezed my hand, froze for a couple of moments. Her hand, so warm, a little rough. I missed this so much! I wanted to press her to my cheek. But the touch lasted only a moment.

"I know you can handle it, dear," Mom said confidently, and left without even saying goodbye or saying good night.

On stiff legs, I walked across the room. She sat down on the edge of the bed. I smoothed out the dress on my knees, in order to somehow contain the despair rushing out, overtaking me. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, but it did not drown out his thoughts. A man is coming for me. Groom. I wonder if he already knows who I am? And if so, why do I need him? No normal man would want to have a wife like me, knowing the details of my shame. Although. Pictures, one scarier than the other, succeeded each other in my imagination. Why does he need a married wife? To mock? Quite possible. I won't be surprised anymore. Absolutely. Hot tears welled up in my eyes, stinging, making me blink more often. I wasn't ready for this at all. Not for a meeting, not for a conversation. Especially for marriage. It won't be long before I can learn to trust people again. If ever I can.

The time when I dreamed of marrying the person I loved as soon as possible now seemed to be something far away. Naive childish reflections, pipe dreams. The reality was frightening and terribly sobering. In life, everything is not like in the beautiful fairy tales that we excitedly read with the sisters. Not at all. The time before seemed to me bright, in shades of pink. It smelled of flowers, hot buns, and freshly cut grass. It sounded like light music, interspersed with the voices of birds and the noise of foliage. Everything was so alive, to the point of impossibility. Now there is silence around me. Vacuum. And I was out of breath.

No more illusions.

She took a deep breath, as if she really couldn't breathe. I caught myself biting my fingernail. How scary is the upcoming meeting!

I was exhausted overnight. She didn't sleep well, tossed and turned, cried, got angry. I skipped breakfast in the morning. At lunch, I drank an herbal decoction with difficulty and ate half a cinnamon bagel. And no one came to see me. And no one said exactly when my new fiancé would arrive.

***

I spent the rest of the day in confusion. I couldn't concentrate on reading. I poked my finger with a needle several times while trying to embroider an ornate floral pattern on a pillowcase. Even the cards, and those did not give in, but like my hopes they scattered like thin cardboard boxes on the table and floor. I wasn't ready for guests. Not yet. But I have to force myself. Tune in. I have to make amends to my family, no matter what the cost. The girls don't have to suffer because of me. They deserve a better life. And the groom... I hoped with all my heart that I had made hasty conclusions, and this man would turn out to be decent, honest and with a good heart.

In the evening, my father sent a maid to fetch me. He deigned to invite me to dinner at a common table. I'm so used to family gatherings. Sometimes I missed them, but I understood that it would never be the same as before. At first, my father did not call me. Then I, filled with resentment and anger, furious indignation, did not accept invitations and simply defiantly slammed the door, as soon as the maid hinted about it. And then, when dad stopped trying, and I calmed down, it seemed strange just to pretend that nothing had happened. So I didn't even try.

Before dinner, I was even more worried. It made me shiver, then threw me into a fever. I needed to calm down. To distract myself, I wanted to start packing. After all, it looks like it's about time. But it turned out to be too hard and I decided to postpone this lesson until later. Even if the meeting with the groom goes well, then there will still have to be time to say goodbye to the house, relatives. Prepare mentally for a life together with a stranger ... How terrible! In the depths of my soul, I dreamed that he would not come. I didn't want to let anyone close to me. And knowing my story, the future spouse will definitely not stand on ceremony.

But my family... I have to think about them. But who will think of me?

"Amy, we need to talk," my father began, putting down his fork and knife.

It became stuffy in the spacious dining room. Or maybe it was fear with bony fingers squeezing my throat, not letting air into my lungs. Loya and Heli looked at each other. The twins are three years younger than me. But they are almost identical to each other. Neither outwardly nor in character. My dear.

Everyone was silent from the start of dinner. All that could be heard was the clinking of crockery and cutlery, the measured ticking of a large clock, and the footsteps of servants. I had a hard time making myself eat. Because of the excitement, even the taste of food was almost not felt. Mom looked at me, then at dad. Nervously fiddling with a lace-embroidered napkin. I tried to control myself. She pretended everything was fine.

"Yes, father," I answered quietly, mentally agreeing in advance with everything he would say.

We are expecting a guest tomorrow for dinner. The other day I received a letter from him with a proposal for a meeting. He said that he was interested in you and would like to discuss the details of the engagement.

The girls gasped out loud. I just nodded and lowered my head. Mom sighed heavily. Our family has never had such a tense atmosphere. Dad was always reserved, but kind to us. Now there was an aloofness in his voice and eyes. And that official tone... I knew it was my fault. But his attitude was still too hurtful.

- Understood. I'll be ready," I answered meekly and raised my head.

My father looked at me sternly. The look made me want to shrink, but I continued to sit up straight. She just lowered her head a little. She calmed her rapid breathing.

- No tricks. Our family's reputation has been shattered. We needed to disgrace ourselves even more," he said more desperately than angrily.

"Daddy," I couldn't help myself this time. "Did I ever let you down before that incident?" Did you give me reason to doubt me? I have always tried to be a good daughter. I beg you, do not delete me from the life of the family ahead of time. You know I would never intentionally hurt us...

- All. Stop that. Enough! Father's voice jumped up. - Go to your place.

I stood up, almost knocking over my plate, and quickly walked to my hiding place. Already at the door of the dining room I heard his words:

"I would never have done this to you before. But, Amy, the circumstances are compelling. And you know it.

My heart sank painfully. She slowed down for a second, threw "I know" over her shoulder and rushed to her.

Without lighting the candles, she fell on the bed, face down, and screamed into the pillow. It has been the most difficult evening in recent months. They won't forgive me. Never. Will always remember my mistake. But damn it, it's not my fault!

But no one wanted to hear me.

Dad's last words echoed in his mind. What did he want to say? My fiancé seems to be a very unenviable candidate. Not financially, but as a person. But this was not surprising. Or did I think it over again and there was no hidden meaning in the words of my father?

I rolled over onto my side. Wiped tears from her face. Outside the window, the purple twilight was rapidly gathering. The room was plunging into darkness, and I was increasingly drawn to despair.

I spent the rest of the evening sewing to somehow calm down. It was still too early to pack. It remains to be seen whether this man will want to live with me. Yes, and then there will be enough time for fees.

When it got completely dark, she put out the candles and crawled under the covers. For some time she continued to speculate about the groom, think about her parents and how they feel now. Don't forget about the sisters.

A soft knock woke me up. More precisely, it was more like mice scratching somewhere nearby. At first I didn't understand what the rustle was, but when I realized it, I hurried to the door. It's too rare for someone to come to me. So something important.

Without lighting the candles, she gently opened the door, trying to avoid the squeak. My sister Heli slipped into the room like a ghost, wearing a light-coloured shirt on the floor and a handkerchief on her shoulders.

"Dear Amy, I miss you so much," she whispered immediately, and I found myself in the soft arms of my sister. - You shouldn't have closed here, we all miss you so much!

I squeezed her tightly in return. If you knew, dear, how I missed you! But I kept silent. This is exactly the case when everything was clear without words. Suddenly I felt hot tears on my shoulder. I immediately pushed my sister away, continuing to hold her shoulders and peering into her pale face, illuminated by the moonlight.

"Hey, what happened?"

"I'm so worried about you," she whispered hotly, sliding her warm hand down my cheek.

And suddenly my sister froze, looking intently into my eyes.

- What? What's happened? I asked, pulling Heli onto the bed, closer to the window so I could see her better.

"Amy, you..." she hesitated, choosing her words. "Did they tell you who exactly will come for you?" she asked, watching my reaction.

Looks like my guess was correct. If Heli, who is usually very stingy with emotions, came running in the middle of the night to warn, then something was wrong with the new groom. Everything inside was twisted uncomfortably. Of course, I was ready to accept any decision of my parents, I had long reconciled myself. And yet I wanted to believe that they would not give me up to the first comer or a monster. After all, I am their daughter. They won't give it up, will they?

Heli, tell me everything you know. You know they don't tell me much. Please, I pleaded.

The sister straightened the blond curl. She licked her lips nervously.

"Don't languish," I whispered, unable to stand it.

"This is Mr. Erton, Amy," Heli blurted out and lowered her eyes.

I scrolled in my head the names of all the more or less famous families of our city, but I could not remember a person with such a surname. And it was weird.

"This is the first time I've heard of it," I admitted, shaking my head. - And you? What do they say about him?

Heli lifted her head and looked at me with all her eyes. After a few moments, understanding dawned on her face.

"He's just here, Amy. About a month. I saw him at the Towson family's reception. They invited him on the occasion of a housewarming party and to get to know the locals.

Now I understand why I haven't heard of him.

- Yes. Mr. Erton Cole," the sister began, stroking my palm with her finger. - Amy. He... Loya and I know next to nothing about him. Like others. I think tomorrow his father will ask him about everything. I can only say that he is definitely rich, well-mannered and...

She hesitated again.

"But what is the matter with him?" He is old? Ugly? Does he smell bad? - my nerves were giving out and I rather wanted to hear the answer.

"It's very difficult to forget him," Heli sighed doomedly. The sight of this man frightened me. Perfect clothes and manners, but a face. More specifically, scars. There are so many! On the face and even the neck. It's like they cut his face. And he's definitely older than you. Twelve years, maybe even more.

I took a deep breath. So scars. OK. This could be dealt with. Age. So he is over thirty, maybe closer to forty, which is also not scary.

- And it's all? I thought you were going to tell something terrible, - I said reproachfully to calm my sister, to distract her from heavy thoughts.

She smiled wryly, but immediately slumped.

- He's a widower. What happened to my wife and for how long, I do not know. Too personal to ask this at a public reception. The Towsons didn't bother him. But all sorts of rumors immediately spread.

- It's good that they didn't. They could. Correctness for them is in last place. I sincerely sympathize with Mr Erton.

The Towson family was known throughout the city. They often and on a grand scale arranged magnificent receptions, to which they invited a huge number of guests. And if there were new people among those invited, then by the end of the evening only the lazy did not know the details of their lives. I even for a second admired Mr. Erton: the Towsons themselves could not talk to him!

At such events, we got to know each other, communicated, made useful contacts, and had fun. And then for a long time they washed all the bones and discussed the latest news.

"And yet, Heli, why did he frighten you?" I asked again.

My sister looked at me in surprise.

- Are you short of the above? It's hard for me to explain, but looking at him, I became scared. Why i do not know. And I really hope that he will leave alone, and you will stay at home. Things will get better, I believe," she whispered hotly. "In time, everything will be forgotten. And you will have a handsome, rich husband! She said the last sentence with a smile.

I would like her confidence. Not about marriage, but about the fact that everything will be fine.

"Thank you, Heli, for coming and telling me. I will also hope for the best. Everything will be decided tomorrow. I will meet this mysterious Mr. Erton.

My sister moved closer to me.

- You're scared? There was sympathy in her voice. I will pray for you and for all of us. You deserve the best! Loya and I know it's not your fault. We believe in you and will always be by your side! she whispered hotly.

With difficulty, I managed to hold back my tears and respond calmly.

- Thank you, dear. And Loe too. You have no idea how important it is for me to hear this.

I hugged my sister again. Stroking her soft, wavy hair. And I was afraid to let her go, knowing that very soon I would have to leave.

Like we were saying goodbye. I didn't want to dump my emotional experiences on the girls. Therefore, we hardly discussed what happened. I did not want them to experience fear of a man, marriage, society. Enough bullying from outside.

"I have to go," Heli whispered after a while. - Good night.

"You too," I replied.

Already at the door, my sister stopped and turned to me.

"Amy, please don't be mad at your dad. He is very worried about you. There's just so much going on... He's doing the best he can. Soon everything will be fine, and we will again laugh and joke together. It remains only a little patience, I'm sure of it.

I nodded, and my sister darted out the door. That's when I could not restrain myself, I gave vent to long-suppressed emotions. She burst into tears in her pillow, again scrolling through everything in her head. I felt so sorry for myself! Why me? Why?

I don't know how long the tantrum lasted. After that it got a little easier.

Sleep did not go, and I looked out the window at the full moon and the sky strewn with stars. A feeling settled in my soul that tomorrow everything will change dramatically again. But in which direction? The upcoming meeting was daunting. Not because of what Heli said, but because of my fears and disappointment.

The memories of my fiancé were still too fresh. Former fiance.

With Eddie Forst, the son of friends of our family, we knew each other almost from birth. Wait, Eddie was born ten months before me. We got along well, even friends. Every year, parents increasingly mentioned that one day we would become spouses. I lived with this thought and kept waiting for the feelings to wake up. But nothing but the simplest sympathy did not feel. Medium height, blue-eyed, fair-haired Eddie I liked. As are my girlfriends. Pleasant in appearance and in communication. I think love would come to us with time. After all, many unions were formed in this way. Arranged and arranged marriages. Of course, sometimes I was sad. Sometimes, having read with girls, secretly from parents, women's novels, I wanted to experience something like that. But in the last year, I finally reconciled and discarded unnecessary worries. No and no. Perhaps it was in a life together that they would have appeared, these strong feelings.

Only, things didn't quite work out as planned. No more girlfriends, no groom. They all stayed there, in life "before". And I had to understand and get used to what is happening now.

The unknown scared me. This stranger who appeared so unexpectedly... You have to be ready for anything.

I didn't sleep until almost morning. She rolled over from side to side, fluffed her pillow, counted sheep, drowning out disturbing thoughts. Then, as if she fell into an alarming pool of sleep, which ended only with dawn.