LOVE: EVERYTHING OR NOTHING

The bar was packed as usual on a Saturday night. It was the place to be, whether on a date, looking to make new friends, or just unwind after a long week. The Brownstead Brewery always felt like a welcome to place to anyone. However on this particular night, Keith didn't want to feel welcomed, didn't want to feel happy. He just wanted to get his mind off of things and relax. He knew the bar would be busy with lots of people having a good time, getting drunk, unwinding from whatever was going on in their lives.

Keith just wanted to feel like everything would work out and hope he would not feel pain anymore.

Every once in a while he would stop and look around from his bar stool and see what was going on around him. He liked to watch people and see how they interacted. He could usually tell within a few minutes the purpose of why a group were there. He looks over at a group of people at the other end of the L-shaped bar and studies them. He believes they are engaged in a double date. One couple seems to be very comfortable with each other and the other aren't sitting that close to each other. The guy looks rather nervous around the woman and he can't blame him. The woman is easy an eight on the attractive scale while the guy looks more like a five. He keeps looking at them while sipping his craft draft beer hoping the guy finds a way to show some confidence, but nothing seems to happen after ten minutes. He decides to look over his shoulder and see if anything else more interesting is going on but everyone is just mingling, nothing special happening.

He turns back looking at his beer and takes a long sip of it. "Why did I come here?" he whispers to himself looking at his mostly empty beer glass.

"Would you like another or do you want water?" the bartender asks.

"Just water for now Andy," Keith says in a depressed voice.

"You need to stop beating yourself up Keith. It's been nearly a month since what happened between you and Jillian." Andy gives Keith his glass of water. "I miss seeing you happy."

Keith shakes his head. "You know it is not that simple for me to stop beating myself up. I've tried distracting myself in so many ways but...the thoughts just keep returning and they won't leave me alone."

"Then we are going to play basketball at the courts tomorrow."

Keith looks up to see Andy staring at him. "Thanks for the invite, but I..."

"That wasn't an invite. I'll see you there tomorrow at two or I'll be banging on your door until you come out."

Keith couldn't help but laugh knowing Andy would not take no for an answer. "You might be a great friend, but tomorrow I'm gonna take out all my anger out on you."

Andy smiled back knowing he had done his job as bartender and friend. He looked at other end of the bar and saw some patrons trying to get his attention. "Let me know when you want another," he said, walking away to greet the patrons and Keith relaxed back into his seat and took a long sip from the glass. He and Andy have been friends ever since their freshman year of college when they became roommates at the dorms. Even though Keith was the nerd and Andy was the jock, they got along really well from the beginning. They just happened to also be in the same English and Psychology class the first semester. Keith was surprised to see how well Andy did in those classes even though he was a jock. Andy's natural competiveness pushed him to want to get better grades than Keith and would tease him if he ever got a higher test score in Psychology. Keith wanted nothing more than to shut him up so he took on the challenge of never getting a lower test score than Andy. They ended up with the highest scores in the class.

While they didn't share any classes their second semester, they agreed to keep up the competiveness by comparing test scores every week with the loser having to buy the other dinner at whatever local college restaurant the winner picked. They bonded over time and became best friends even when their collegiate careers changed. Andy ended up dropping out because he didn't want to accumulate too much debt and became a bartender at the Brownstead. Keith graduated with a degree in business and ended up working as a logistics coordinator for a small company in the college town.

One of their favorite activities was playing basketball. While Keith looked like a skinny nerd, he enjoyed playing basketball growing up and always prided himself on playing good defense. Andy wasn't anticipating how good Keith was the first time they played and never made that same mistake again. Anytime they got to play with a group of people Andy always made sure Keith was on his team. Even if Keith didn't score, Andy knew he would hassle the other team's best player on defense and make them work hard.

Keith was happy at the thought of playing basketball again. It had been a long time since he last played and probably the thing he needed most to get his mind off Jillian. As he was thinking about tomorrow a young woman sat next to him and looked right at him. "Hi, I'm Jackie."

Keith jumped as she introduced herself not expecting anyone to sit next to him, much less just introduce themselves. "Umm, hi. I'm Keith." Keith didn't know what to do or say next and just stared at her.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No!" Keith said trying to not freak out or make her freak out. "I just wasn't expecting anyone to just approach me and introduce themselves to me."

Jackie gave a light laugh at his response. "Well, you are at the hottest bar in town and you looked lonely sitting here by yourself. I figured you could use some company."

Keith closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows she right that he is lonely but talking with a stranger just isn't his thing. He opens his eyes and looks at Jackie. "I don't want to sound mean, but I actually want to be alone tonight."

Jackie is confused by his response. "You want to be alone, yet you are at a packed bar. Sounds like someone who wants to be alone," she responds sarcastically.

Keith smiles and laughs at her response. "I also prefer to drink out instead of home alone. I've gotten myself drunk really bad before when I'm alone. When I'm here, I have to watch how much I drink so I can drive home safely." Keith then nods his head towards Andy as he walks by to the other end of the bar. "It also helps to have my friend be the bartender here. He won't let me leave drunk because I give him my keys every time I come in and he gives them back when I'm sober enough to drive home."

"And how did you reach this agreement with the bartender?"

"We became best friends our freshman year of college. He's seen me at some of my bad times, especially when it comes to drinking."

"It is great to have a friend like that."

"Yes it is." Keith looks back at Jackie and starts studying her. Her brunette hair is just down to her shoulders. She doesn't appear to have much make-up on if any. Her blue eyes just seem to look back at his through her glasses. She is dressed in a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Are you done sizing me up?" she asks with a smirk on her face.

"I guess I wasn't that subtle," Keith says laughing nervously.

"So what do you think?"

"You don't want me to say."

"Why not?"

"Because I have a tendency to say more than I should and I don't want you mad at me."

"I can handle anything you say. I'm a grown woman."

Keith lets out a sigh not wanting to do this. "You really want to know what I think of you?"

"Yes!" Jackie says very demandingly.

Keith straightens up, turns to face her and gets ready to tell Jackie his observations. "First, you aren't afraid to strike up a random conversation with a stranger. You like being social and making new friends." Jackie's face looks disappointed from the obvious observations he is giving at that point. "You also aren't here for a hook-up. Your jeans fit you comfortably and not too tight to show off your butt. Your t-shirt is also not tight so you don't show off your figure and attract unwanted attention. By the lack of make-up on your face you are comfortable with your natural beauty." Jackie smiles that Keith says she is naturally beautiful. However Keith turns away from her and stops talking.

"Why did you stop?" Jackie asks, wanting to hear more. She tips her head to try to see Keith's face.

"Because I don't want to go too deep."

"Keith, just tell me what you see. You can't see into my soul or anything."

Keith turns his head towards Jackie reluctant to continue. "Your eyes tell me that you miss feeling loved." Jackie's smile fades away. "Your smile is very sincere that you want to help me feel not so lonely and that is very admirable. In fact that makes you very beautiful in my view of you. But your eyes don't seem to have the same happiness you want to show everyone." Keith looks at her face knowing he should have just stopped when he had the chance. "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't mean to...I should have..."

"Why would you say that to me?" A tear goes down Jackie's cheek. "How would you know what I'm going through? How do you know I want to be loved?" Keith just looks at her wanting to say something but doesn't want to do more damage. "Just because you feel lonely you think I feel unloved? Is that it?"

"No, my current state of loneliness has nothing to do with what I see in you."

"Then what the hell makes you say I feel that I miss feeling loved?"

"Because..." Keith just wants to end this conversation and knows there is only one way to end, "I have had the same look in my eyes when I felt that no one loved me or wanted me."

Jackie didn't know how to react. She was quick to judge everything he said about her and didn't want to feel the pain she was feeling by his words. It was only then she realized the pain she felt by the truth he spoke seemed to feel worse on his end reliving what he had gone through. "Keith, I...I'm sorry."

Keith didn't want to say anything else, he just wanted to leave. He was able to get Andy's attention for his keys and Andy hands him the keys. Before he gets out of his chair, he turns towards Jackie who has a worried look on her face. "Jackie, it was nice meeting you and I wish I was leaving on a more positive note, but I feel like I need to get out of here before I do anything else stupid." He gets off his chair and walks out of the bar and Jackie just sits there not knowing what to do next. She had never been analyzed so deeply before by some random person and yet he was so right on every point.

"Miss." Jackie jumps as Andy taps her on the shoulder trying to get her attention. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

Jackie glances up at Andy and then looks back into the crowd hoping that Keith would come back and talk to her. "I don't know." She turns back towards Andy. "I'm just really confused right now."

"I wouldn't have let Keith go home if he wasn't sober enough to drive." Jackie looks at Andy after he made the statement knowing he is trying to help her feel better. "He is a very nice guy but hates to hurt others. Lately his self-punishment has been getting worse."

"Self-punishment?" Jackie asks scared for Keith.

"In his head. He has prided himself on being a nice guy and making others feel good and loved. He enjoys seeing people smile even if it happens to be at his own expense. When he hurts someone he cares about, he has a tendency to shutoff and become distant."

Jackie was starting to understand Keith better but something still nagged her. "You said his self-punishment is getting worse. Why?"

"It is not for me to tell, even if I had all the details. I just know him well enough to let him process everything in his own way and let him be him."

"Is there any way I could possibly help?"

Andy smiles seeing Jackie's concern for Keith. "If you decide to try to talk to him again when he comes back another night, be yourself. Don't try to talk to him about his past, just help him feel cared about and be a good friend."

Jackie nods accepting what Andy's advice is. Still, she wants to do more for him. Even as bad as she felt, she felt like Keith actually saw her for her. He also cared enough to not want to hurt her, even though she pushed for his observations.

After that she left the bar and went back to her apartment. She changed into her sleepwear and got under the covers of her bed. She tried to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about Keith, about everything from the conversation they had to Andy describing Keith as very caring. She wanted to sleep but she kept tossing and turning with her mind never settling down. "Why am I so worried about Keith?" she said to herself. "He is just some guy I will probably never see again. So why can't I get my mind off of him?"

Keith wakes up just before noon, but was hoping he could just stay asleep and not have to deal with the day or his best friend. He didn't want to get out of bed but knew this was something he could not avoid. Andy was not one to let something go like this. He forces himself out of bed, eats breakfast, showers, shaves, and just waits for two o'clock to come around.

He is just sitting on his couch in the living room of his apartment when he there is a banging at the door. He looks at the clock as sees it is only one fifteen. "Who is it?" He yells out at the door.

"Your fourth favorite person in the world," says the voice behind the door.

Keith shakes his head and walks over to the door and opens it. "No, you are the third behind my niece and nephew and don't start saying you are not behind the woman from last night."

"Oh come on, what's wrong with her? She seemed really nice and into you." Keith starts to get an angry look on his face, but Andy quickly puts his friend's mind at ease. "Don't worry, I didn't tell her anything personal. I only said that you like to self-punish yourself sometimes. She looked concerned but I don't think you'll have anything to worry about."

Keith sighs and lets Andy into the apartment. "There are somedays I just want to sew my mouth shut so I don't say anything stupid like I did last night." He closes the door and both sit on the couch of the small apartment.

"Let me guess, you did the over-analyzing thing and went too deep into what you say."

"Yep, I know I freaked her out and I just....I hate not knowing when to just shut up."

"Dude, that is a part of having Asperger's. If anything, I'm impressed you can actually read people the way you do." Keith just looks at his TV not wanting to continue the conversation. "Seriously, you have come a long way since we first met. I know you've probably replayed everything in your head ten times already with five different scenarios of how she wants to kill you, but everything will be fine."

Keith closes his eyes and shakes his head, knowing everything Andy is saying is true. "You're right, it is just scary in my head sometimes."

"I know, but now it is time for me to scare with you my moves on the court."

Keith looks back at Andy. "Your moves are easy to read without me having Asperger's."

Andy gets a grin on his face. "Same bet or shall we increase the stakes?"

"Loser pays dinner at the new hibachi restaurant in town," Keith says with a big smile on his face.

"You're on!" Both of them head out of the apartment and down to the basketball court next to their apartment complex.

"So he just got up and left?"

"Yep, just got up and left." Jackie says while taking sips from her coffee sitting at her kitchen table.

"And yet you still want to see him again and get to know him?"

"Yes."

"Ok, why do you want to see him again?"

"It's hard to explain Melissa. Even though what he said hurt, it is like he saw me for who I really am and why I was really at the bar. I'm very curious about him and what makes him tick."

Melissa shakes her head sitting across the table, still not understanding where her best friend is coming from. "Are you looking to just be friends with him or are you looking for something more?"

"I...don't know. Something tells me he wouldn't ask me out anyways." Jackie takes another sip of her coffee and finishes her cup. "Something about him just bugs me too."

"Let's see, he's shy, he overacts, he doesn't stay and face the situation, he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut, he..."

"He did know when to keep his mouth, I pushed Keith to tell me more. I wished I hadn't done that." Reflecting on the events of the previous night, Jackie looks down at her empty cup and can't help but to think she might never see this guy again. She called her best friend over that morning to talk everything over and hopefully make her feel better. So far Melissa had yet to make her feel better.

"You know he'll be at the bar again. Didn't you say that the bartender is his friend?" Jackie looks up at her friend smiling knowing she's right. "So you'll be able to see him again, strike up a more appropriate conversation and get to know him."

Jackie slowly starts to realize that she will see Keith again and maybe things will be less awkward. "You're right Melissa. Thank you."

Melissa smiles knowing her job is done as best friend. "Hey, it's what I'm here for. But now you must pay," she says with a devilish smile on her face.

"I offered you coffee and you declined."

"Yes, but I'm thinking of trying out the new hibachi restaurant and I think you shall pay for me." Melissa says, forcing the biggest fake smile she can muster.

Jackie's smile disappears and gives an evil stare. She hates being manipulated, especially by her best friend. "You want me to treat you to an expensive dinner for helping me get over my little Keith thing."

"If I didn't come over, you would still be figuring out what went wrong instead of realizing you can see him again soon. Also I know you love hibachi restaurants and it is your turn to treat for dinner."

"I hate you." Jackie hates it when her best friend is always right about these things. Just once she wishes she could shut her up and let her be without using good logic against her.

"So what time do you want to eat?"

"Let's get there at five thirty. It might take us a while to get seated with a full table and for the chef to come out and cook our food."

"Sounds like a plan."

"You got lucky," says Andy, sounding very bitter.

"Lucky? You hardly hit rim on half of your shots," says Keith as they sit down at their table waiting for more people to be seated.

"You always use some sort of excuse when I beat you. The sun was in my eyes. The pretty girls were distracting."

"Hey, even you were distracted by those women watching us play last week. How many air balls did you have again?"

Keith couldn't help but laugh remembering that day. "Only four...and some really bad misses from close range."

"Yeah, we were both off our game. Those two women were very attractive."

"Yes, they were, but you still lost to me," says Keith with a big grin on his face.

Andy just shakes his head. "I know I'm a sore loser, but you don't make it easier for me sometimes when you gloat about..." Andy just stops midsentence looking towards the entrance of the restaurant. Keith looks where Andy is looking and his eyes widen in fear when he sees Jackie. His fears get worse as she and her friend are not only seated at their table but she is sitting basically next to him. Hibachi restaurants cook the food in front of you while the chef also puts on a show. The table has a flat top attached to it with three seats on each side and four on the main side. The chef cooks the food on the fourth side while putting on a show. Keith is sitting on the edge seat on one of the short sides and Jackie is on the edge of the seat next to him. They both nod at each other and smile. Andy just has a huge grin on his face while looking at Keith.

The rest of the table gets seated and a waiter comes by to take everyone's drink and food order. Keith and Andy order steak, Melissa orders chicken while Jackie orders salmon. There is just an awkward silence between Jackie, Keith and Andy. Melissa can't figure out why everyone is so silent so she decides to break the silence. "Hi, I'm Melissa and this is my friend Jackie."

Keith and Andy look at each other trying to figure out how to handle the situation. Keith shrugs his shoulders and Andy nods, both realizing there is only one thing to do. They both turn their attention to Jackie and Melissa.

"Hi Melissa, I'm Andy. It's nice to meet you."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Melissa. I'm Keith. How are you doing Jackie?"

Jackie looks at Keith a bit surprised. "I'm doing good Keith, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing good as well. My friend here is paying so I get to enjoy a free dinner."

Melissa gets a big smile on her face. "Funny, Jackie here is paying for me as well. I had to help her get over some guy she met at a bar last night and this is her price."

Keith and Andy couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Andy puts his hand on Keith's shoulder. "So first you leave this beautiful young lady at the bar for me to clean up your mess. Now she has to pay for dinner for her friend. Keith, you really can put women in bad situations."

Melissa's jaw drops as she hears this. "Wait, you mean to tell me he's the asshole that left you?"

Keith closes his eyes and chuckles. "Yes I am and now I feel even guiltier." He opens is eyes and looks at Jackie. "I'm sorry I ran out on you last night. I felt like I made an idiot out of myself and didn't know how to handle it. Can I make it up to you next Saturday?"

Jackie smiles hearing the offer. "Thank you Keith, that is really sweet but you don't have to."

Melissa lightly smacks Jackie's arm. "Jackie! Let him treat you to dinner. It's the least he can do."

"Melissa, please don't."

"Don't what? He needs to pay you back and treat you like the beautiful woman you are."

"Melissa, please stop."

"Melissa," Keith says strongly, "if she doesn't want to me to make it up to her, that's her choice. Don't push her into something she doesn't want to do."

Melissa looks back at Keith in disgust. "Of course you want the easy way out. I bet you treat all women this badly."