LOVE AND HATE

I was born into an extremely religious and strict family. With an evangelical-traditional background, everyone has always played an active role in the church. I... never knew what I was exactly to be quite honest, I tried to follow the standards imposed by them, but I felt out of place most of the time. I have several psychological problems developed from the oppression and social pressure I suffer to be the perfect family doll.

Hello! I'm Aurora and this is my story, so I'll let you know that it won't end the way I wanted it to end and you'll see why and maybe you'll prove me right... or maybe not.

***

I remember exactly when I saw him for the first time. I was about 6 years old, and I was coming from SBS with my mother. For those who don't know, SBS means Sunday Bible School – and it happens on Sunday mornings.He was with his mother at the time. I vaguely remember that my mother stopped on the way to say hello to his mother, both were known to each other, she was riding a horse and he was riding a smaller one. He should have been at the base of about 7 for 8 years old around. But I remember that I thought he was the most handsome boy I ever laid my childish eyes on. He was beautiful, he had big and straight hair that reached his shoulders, eyes mixed with a greenish dry plant color. However, I found him a little 'stuck up' but I ignored that fact because he really was very handsome. He was dressed in cowboy clothes.The years passed and from time to time I saw him passing by in the distance or even when I was with friends, but he never noticed me. In fact, no one... I was a strange person and thought I was ugly... but that's a story for later. We were entering the teenage phase. I was hanging out with four other friends, and I remember that he had become interested in one of them. She was too: white in color, hair straight past her shoulders. Her name was Rebecca. He kept sending her messages expressing his interest. She, however, didn't want him.At my young age I looked at him with indifference. In fact, I didn't see any fun at all... Either that was what I was trying to convince myself of, or, in fact, I already had a crush on him and wouldn't give up. Because he didn't want to be like the other girls who saw him and were dazzled: for God's sake!!! He was just a pretty-faced boy who thought he was too much! Of course, there was no way I could deny that he was handsome. But I still thought it was pretty stupid the way the girls treated him.I had a lot of problems dealing with my self-esteem. In fact, I never paid attention to anyone or didn't want to because of countless fears: fear of being rejected because I wasn't pretty, or fear of suffering like my father did with my mother. I was indifferent to boys. I was always bullied even by one of the girls who claimed to be my ''friend'': she wanted to be the 'queen bee' of the group and wanted to make us maids. All the boys fell in love with her and if one dared to look at one of us (like myself), because - let's not forget - I was considered the ''fiona" of the group, she thought it was absurd, and it was even reasons for gossip, the It still made me feel bad and embarrassed. Going back to the script again.... never after 4th grade had I seen this boy. Years passed and Rebeca, one of my friends, moved away from the small town in the interior of São Paulo state. I moved out of high school and believe me... it was the best thing I ever did. I found out too late that what I considered ''friendship" was actually a fake illusion: that was a toxic friendship.

***

And we arrived in seventh grade (however, he was in eighth grade). And, as always, the reason the girls were crazy: all they had to do was look at him and they were all crazy. It was ridiculous, tremendously ridiculous! I even avoided paying attention, but I must admit that it was kind of difficult for him to escape me, he had presence just by being in any environment, always with the same long hair. He was always in my room, he had friends there. There is! that same year, one of my friends, yeah roll your eyes and get ready! Her name was Fabiana, she was crazy, psychopathic for him. She used to say that he was the cutest boy in the entire school. I didn't disagree in my mind, but I rolled my eyes at her whenever I saw him and kept calling him the love of her life. The day she managed to ''almost'' stay with him (but it didn't happen!) I felt such an absurd relief that I felt bad afterward for having felt that way.

***

The following year, I had a horrible attack of anxiety, depression and panic disorder. It was the worst year of my life; I thought I was going to die. My soul was sad and gloomy, I felt like the real 'ugly duckling'. I'm a black girl, fat, curly hair (that I hated even more because I wasn't big), I always did Brazilian Blowout which made the condition and look even worse, otherwise I wore organic braids to try to ''slow down'' a bit of my appearance, not to mention that I wore braces because I had gaps in my teeth. It was terrifying! like 2 teeth could fit in there and I'm not kidding! Anyway. I was a born nerd, I even got a certificate of best student for being diligent, which caused me even more bullying by my classmates. When I got home, I hid to cry. I felt destroyed and unmotivated. However, in 2010, anxiety affected my emotions so much that my grades went downhill, and I ended up failing my Biology recovery course. Guess who arrives to take the recovery test??? Yes, that's him! I remember like it was yesterday, he arrived late with the biggest 'poker face' in the world when I was about to hand my test to the teacher. I was in the third row and he sat at the back, in the last place, but he looked a little strange than the times I had seen him before: his eyes were red and sad, his smile was always forced and cynical, in contrast to the aura of a little prince than he boasted before, something about him had changed and it wasn't nice the impression it gave me. However, he was still handsome. Not to mention the fact that he had stuck to wearing a baseball cap half-covering his shoulder-length hair.

***

2011I was still recovering from depression, but I always had some relapses that I tried to hide from everyone around me because I didn't want to worry my family, not to mention that I lost a lot of weight.It was the beginning of the year, and I was freaking out, I needed something to take my attention away from my problems. Because of the low grades, I ended up staying extended time in two subjects: Portuguese and Mathematics. I studied in the afternoon and at night and it sucked! Luckily (or unluckily, I can't say!) One of my friends was studying with me, but she didn't want anything-with-anything, she was always looking for new boyfriends.On that day, I argued with my mother about something I don't remember but I was extremely irritated with everything: with me, with her, with the situation I was in..... I just wanted to be someone else, to be in another mind and not be 'me' for just a moment.I had arrived at school at night and Cristina came to meet me at the door as usual.''Aurora, do you know who Josh is?''''Josh? I craned my neck looking at her with narrowed eyes. There was only one person I knew who had that name.''''Yes. A cute yellow one, he told me to get him a brunette, I'm going to hook up with his friend, you don't want to hook up with him, do you? Please! I'm really into his friend and it's only going to happen if I have company.''She put her hands in front of her face, imploring me to go.I rolled my eyes.I thought about saying no, but I was so angry that I didn't want to know anything anymore.''All right, I'm up.''''Hey, my friend!! How wonderful! Wait a minute, I'll send him a message here.''I watched her text him while I thought if I really was making the right decision. What if I was rushing? However, something in me wanted new adventures, I wanted to disconnect from myself and my emotional problems at least once in my life.When we left, he picked us up in front of the school. In fact, when he arrived, I almost fell over backwards!It really was him.I thought it was him when she said the name, I just wasn't sure, but here I was seeing it with my own eyes.He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Skinny, but as handsome as I remembered, but with those beautiful eyes that were dry and lifeless green. I felt a shiver down my spine and to this day I can't name whether that was good or bad.Josh looked me up and down with a cynical tight-lipped smile, then I remembered earlier that I'd bumped into him in the hallways at school, and he'd walked towards me on purpose.I raised my eyebrows at him, of course...wearing the same nonchalant expression I used to wear whenever he was around. But my heart was almost out of my mouth! As I was very proud, I tried to mask it.''Who goes first? '' He asked looking from one to the other, he was on a motorcycle.I looked at Cristina, she must have understood that I wouldn't even go first (to god knows where!).''I'll go first '' She said already going to ride on the back.Josh looked at me and said '' Come on and I'll catch you halfway.''I just waved as I watched them disappear into the dark with only a few cracks of lights on, as the poles had burnt out bulbs. I really considered to chicken out, the urge to turn around and give up was great and today I really regret not having done that, as it would have avoided many future problems. He caught me halfway, just like he said, and as I felt the wind hit my face, I actually felt alive for the first time. So, for that, I went ahead.When I got there, I knew it was his house. I walked in a little wary and cautious, as soon as I set foot in the room, my friend was making out with that ''little guy'', wow, the embarrassment was imminent! I started debating what the hell I was getting myself into, but I still went on ahead, with regret bordering the surface.

Josh went into the bedroom while I sat on the other couch, deathly embarrassed to see my friend almost having sex right in front of me; I wrung my hands and moved my feet with nervousness and regret because I knew that good things would not come out of there. Then he came back shirtless and nodded for me to follow him to his room.

"Sit down," Josh said. And I did, glancing at him from the corner of my eye, he sat beside me studying me.

Then he came to kiss me I looked away.

''What is it, girl? we are going to hook up '' He said.

I looked back at him, unsure of anything. For God's sake! I was ''NBK'' I had never kissed even the mirror to know if I knew how to do that or not, I was afraid of being bad at it, I really was.

''It's normal between a couple to roll these things around '' He continued, and I had to laugh.

''Normal? Seriously, we're not a couple. I just met you.''

He chuckled and ruffled his long hair looking away from me.

I paid too much attention to my taste that I found this kind of sexy guy.

Then he looked at me decidedly already coming on top of me and sticking his tongue in my mouth.

The feeling I felt was absurd and new, I felt like I was experiencing something I had never tried, and the worst thing was that no matter how much I tried to get my mind back under control, I couldn't, because he was managing to leave me really involved in it; when he moved his hand further down, I barred him and pushed him.

'' What is happening?''

'' Not that '' I said almost out of breath because of the kiss we were giving, thinking of running away, but it was too late because Cristina was moaning in the room, preventing my escape, the embarrassment would be worse.

For a person who had never kissed in his life, I knew he was good. But there was something about him that alarmed me.

He stared at me for a few seconds in disbelief and got off me with a frustrated sigh as he threw himself onto the bed.

I stayed the same way.

he looked at me.

'' Come at me'' He said.

And I dutifully went.

I realized that he was bossy, he liked to give orders and that made me angry deep down.

We kissed again as I felt his hands running all over my body, it felt good, I'm not going to lie, I felt numb. My body was filled with energy I didn't even know I possessed, I could feel how hard he was as our bodies moved together rubbing in synchrony - and dammit - my body lit up with the realization. However, I still tried to stay in control. I stopped at the exact moment he took off my school uniform and took my bra off, tucking one of my breasts into his mouth as I stared into his eyes. They were fixed on me and glowed in the dark light by the few lights that came from the room, they didn't look dead and lifeless like the other times I saw him.

I hurriedly got off him trying to stay in control, even though I felt my reason slipping away from lust.

''Not like this. '' I said trying to control my breathing.

''But you're difficult, you know? '' I noticed that he was almost losing his temper and a part of me enjoyed pissing him off.

Then he climbed on top of me again not giving me time to think and kissed me deep, I threaded my fingers through his thick hair, the back of his neck, and I liked it. I nibbled, kissed a lot and then my reasoning went away, if someone asked what my name was at that time, I swear I wouldn't know how to answer. It's undeniable that there was terrible attraction between us.

Josh put his hand down to the zipper of my pants and tried to get down, I stopped him in the act.

''Let it go, give it to me please...'' When he said that with his eyes and a pleading expression I decided to surrender, and it was the worst decision I had to make in my life. I was silly and inexperienced.

He opened a drawer full of condoms and took off his clothes and told me to take mine off.

He made me get down on all fours and came from behind, I was shocked when I saw him without clothes, I swore that all that would not fit me; he wasn't affectionate, he didn't ask me if I was a virgin or not, he just thrust himself full and all in me and it hurt like hell, tears jumped out of my eyes without me wanting to.

'' Did I enter the right place? He asked in a squeaky voice.''

''I don't know. '' I said, and I really didn't know. He, who had experience with women, didn't know, who would know?

Josh was out of control and crazy, anyone could tell by the words and murmurs he said. But it was hurting a lot and I really wanted it to stop, I could still bear it because it was slow.

''What the hell, I'm going to fuck '' He said and accelerated the movements and then I couldn't take it anymore.

The movements got stronger, I felt his member pushing hard and hard inside me.

''Stop! ''

I said feeling an unbearable pain, but he didn't stop and that only grew the anger in me.

The more I asked him to stop, the stronger he dominated me.

I tried to escape his control by trying to crawl on the bed, but he pulled me without leaving me, throwing my ass high in the air and fucking me without any pity. Until I managed to escape and his member came out of me, I went to the side looking at him with anger, because it looked like I was split in half, it burned and it hurt a lot.

He came into my field of vision looking at me in disbelief, holding the condom on his astonishingly large member. He was 17 or 18 years old, I think, and I was 16.

'' Was it in the right place, for sure? ''He was looking at me strangely and I noticed a curious look in his expression with a little smile on his mouth that made me even more irritated with his face, I really wanted to take revenge for the pain I was feeling.

''I don't know '' I growled very angrily.

He lay down on the bed and told me to go on top, but it hurt too much to sit on him. Damn! He was too big, and I was sore, he noticed my pained expression.

''Do you want to stop? '' He asked and I nodded yes.

I got off him and he walked out of the room.

But nothing prepared me to know that he had switched places with his friend, yes, the same one who was staying with my friend.

I was immediately in shock, the room was dark, but I knew it wasn't the same person.

A huge disappointment took my heart.

Damn!

I had trusted him my virginity, he stole it from me with a lot of persuasion and even had the nerve to give me to his friend. A 'ménage' I didn't even know the meaning of at the time. And yet all this happens without my consent?

Josh was in the living room with Cristina!

The feeling was horrible.... I gave myself over to autopilot.

The most frightening is that I was so speechless that I ended up giving myself to Carlos, he was softer and not as aggressive as Josh was. It had no grip and that pissed me off too. But I did everything, and angry at the same time, he didn't last long... soon came his release and I took the opportunity to escape from him, but he came at me again, kissing and hugging me trying to manipulate my body, he didn't want to leave me to go away. And I really wanted to get away from them. What hurt the most was knowing that Josh didn't give shit about me or what had happened between us a few minutes ago, I wanted to hit him, curse, whatever!

***

After some time, he returned to the room and turned on the light, looked at me for a few seconds, and asked me to hurry up, because his father would arrive there sometime later.

I got dressed and left the room, of course feeling a lot of pain and a lot of regrets. It felt like someone had ripped my soul out, I felt dirty and used.

Josh showered and came to the bathroom door while I was sitting in the living room. Cristina talked very easily with Carlos, and they laughed at I don't know what, because all I thought was that I wanted to escape to the mountains, far away from them. I started to realize that he wasn't a good person, he had something wrong with him. If I thought I was obscure, he was much worse than I imagined.

He stared at me with the same cynical smile.

''Are you going to tell me you didn't like it? '' He asked me looking at my face.

I rolled my eyes at him '' It won't happen again '' He laughed at my speech and that made me furious '' It was just an eclipse; it doesn't always happen. '' I got up and turned my back on him going to the exit. '' Let's go, Christina! '' I yelled at the door.

Because I was pissed at her too for having so blatantly deceived me, and because I let myself be seduced by that boy.

She came to me laughing accompanied by that Carlos.

'' Wait a second. Josh goes to put on the clothes and comes to open the door.''

I huffed impatiently.

He arrived and opened the door. When we were already outside, I watched him closely.

The night was very cold.

He was shirtless and only wearing shorts and wet hair.

But handsome as hell, the son of a bitch.

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists in annoyance.

He didn't even look at me and that made me angry.

''We're going to schedule another day there '' He said with the biggest face of what he was capable of.

Cristina laughed '' You're naughty, huh? you don't have a girlfriend, no?''

'' I do, of course! I date Silvania.''

My heart sank.

He had a girlfriend, and he still took my virginity??? and that wasn't the worst, the girl was in the same class as me! It made it even more disastrous, I felt like a slut. How would I face Silvania at school knowing that the two of them are dating?

The feeling of helplessness was so great that I wanted to disappear from the earth.

Cristina said goodbye to him while he closed the padlock and then went along the way talking about how good he was in bed, how much he fucked "well" (words which I considered too promiscuous to be heard).

I felt nauseous and very angry with myself, with him, with Cristina and the situation I had gotten myself into. The next day, on the afternoon shift, I saw him at school, and of course he didn't give a shit for me. It was like I didn't even exist and that made me really hurt.

I just couldn't believe it had been used like that and discarded without further ado.

I felt like crap!

Then some things started to bother me even more. I started paying too much attention to him, in everything he did.... as much as I didn't want to, it seemed automatic. I also forced myself to ignore him when I saw him, I didn't look in his direction, much less when I passed by. I wasn't liking what was bubbling up in me about him.

At night there was a church service, and I was scared to death to go and that some sister from the church would have some revelation and point the finger at me saying that I had lost my virginity and that I was in sin, and on top of that being used as a slut. It would be super bad my reputation in front of my whole family, I was scared to death of thinking what my mother would think of me, all I didn't want was to be compared with my father, even though he had already left the earth.

I invented a headache and ended up skipping church that day.

A lot of strange feelings flooded my chest. It was anger, appreciation, attraction. I didn't understand why I felt these things for him if I didn't want to feel them. Until one day Cristina came to me again and sent a message from him: once again he wanted to hook up with me.

It was sick that even though I didn't admit it, I wanted him again and again and again.... how could I feel that way if he was such a jerk to me? Why was I feeling this way about him? They were too confusing feelings to deal with. He had become like a drug to me that I was becoming addicted to, and I knew it wasn't good. It was toxic and sick, but I wanted him. Only him.

The night had arrived, once again it was time for extended time studies and again, I was persuaded by Cristina to make out with Josh.

''It's just going to be friends. Me with his friend and him with you.''

''Are you sure, Cristina? I don't want what happened last time to happen again! '' I said, already feeling angry remembering what had happened.

''No, it will be like that, trust me. Josh is into you, he wants you, woman! Then play! Enjoy!''

And when I got there, it was just the opposite.

If he let me down the first time, this one would be no different.

Josh was sitting there like a Greek god on his couch, watching me with an evil twinkle in his eye.

I entered the room accompanied by Cristina, who was already choosing with her eyes who would be her next prey, while I felt disgusted with an upset stomach. I avoided even looking at Josh.

Once we arrived, he smiled and looked at his friends, following me back with his eyes.

The nausea was so great when I realized that the number of ''friends'' had increased... I counted. Along with Josh, there were three guys, who looked at us like two steaks exposed in a market window.

'' Yesterday that girl drove me crazy '' Josh said talking about me to his friends.

He then looked me back up and down. All I wanted most was to run out of there, but I was so appalled by what I was witnessing, that I stayed quiet in my place without saying a single word.

Cristina had already sat on the lap of one of them, already choosing who would be her ''lover''. The chosen one obviously appreciated her choice, considering he immediately went to the room with her.

Josh, me and the other tall guy the same color as I stayed in the room.

He was tall and built, but he didn't catch my eye.

More like a scared little animal wanting to escape the hunt.

Josh took off his clothes, getting naked right there, in front of everyone.

He was enjoying the whole situation sitting on the front sofa with bright eyes when his friend came towards me, kissing me. He was a good kisser, but I felt uneasy. Every moment my eyes flew to Josh who watched everything with his arms crossed, doing nothing. I wasn't getting relaxed, and he could tell. So, he called that '' friend '' that I didn't bother to know the name, said something in his ear, giggling, and came to me.

He kissed me and then slid the condom down his long cock, then looked at me from under his eyes.

''Open your legs '' I slipped my pants off my body and did as he asked, opening myself all over for him. At the same moment, he thrust himself fully inside me.

He fucked me wildly any way he wanted, then had me sit on his cock with my back to his chest while his friend watched me masturbating and me acting on autopilot. I was amazed, nervous, and tense to have someone there, watching everything we were doing.

So, the guy who was making out with Cristina called the guy who was just watching us join them. As soon as he disappeared into the room, Josh hugged me around the waist making me go up and down on his member. It was strange... because I noticed that when his friend was looking at us, he looked cold and calculating as if he didn't want to show something - I could be wrong, but I thought so. In a matter of seconds, he changed with me and hugged me tight and the chemistry between us exploded once again. The craziest thing was that I felt like I belonged to him., uniquely and entirely his possession. Sometime later, when the two friends came back eager to taste me, Josh broke the hug in a blink of an eye becoming indifferent to me again.

I wanted to curse him!

Then he made me get off his lap and then went to the bedroom to be with Cristina - I felt a violent and irritated jealousy burning through my guts and I hated myself for it. It was more than obvious that he wanted nothing more than just that with me. He just wanted to enjoy it, and I was the snack of the moment. It had no value to him. Even knowing that didn't mean it didn't stop hurting.

Against my will, I had sex with Josh's friends, angrier and sadder than I've ever been... and right then and there, I swore I would never allow him to touch me again or humiliate me like that. I swallowed the tears and closed myself, I was counting the seconds for that torment to end once and for all.

When at last they were satisfied with me, I ran to get dressed and quickly went to the door crazy to get out of there. I couldn't take that oppression anymore; I needed air because that place was taking all my oxygen.

They laughed. Cristina too – all planning to have more parties between them and invite more guys. My stomach once again twisted in disgust.

'' What's going on with your friend? Is it all closed like that? '' One of them said laughing.

''She's just like that'' Cristina said approaching where I was.

I screwed up my face even more.

'' Let's go, Cristina, we have no time to lose. I said, not looking at them, especially at Josh. All I wanted was to throttle him.

He laughed along with his ''fellows''.

'' Let's set another day again '' Josh said when we were already outside.

I neither waited nor looked back. If Cristina wanted, she could stay there and chat with him! Let her stay, because I would go home (that's what was on my mind at the time)!!!

She ran after me laughing.

''We'll see around '' she said getting to my side.

She laughed and highlighted the boys' flaws and qualities, euphoric as hell, while I considered throwing myself in front of a car because of how angry and upset I was!

It was the worst experience of my life.

***

In high school, I avoided him as much as I could, if I saw him going down one path, I diverted to the other. If he was somewhere I would go wherever he wasn't. His mere presence already made me euphoric and anxious, and I hated feeling all that. Josh was a freaking pervert! Nymphomaniac, someone who didn't love anyone, as well as being an extremely selfish and heartless person.

A few days passed and once again he sent a message wanting to stay with me. Of course, I refused, however, Cristina being the ''good Samaritan that she is" took other of her friends to stay with him.

That day we were all in the courtyard and her other friend (from another room) called him and said she wanted the money to buy medicine in case she got pregnant because his condom had torn.

- I didn't even get off! - That's what he shouted in front of everyone in the courtyard of the school and he turned his back on them laughing, leaving everyone shocked. He pulled Cristina who was laughing hysterically, while the girl practically ran out of the gate into the school to hide in the room, such was her shame. I was horrified by what I had heard. He didn't give a shit, and once again asked Cristina to stay with me. And, of course, I denied it, even though a part of me craved him, I refused to give in to his wants and whims.

The days went by, and I kept running away from him.

When I saw him and Silvania skip classes to be together and they left holding hands, I felt my heart ache and anguished. He lowered his head when he saw me passing by. I didn't know what was happening to me and I was scared to death of the answer they might give me if I said what I felt when I saw them together. They were boyfriends, I was the ''whore'' who was with him behind the back of the official girlfriend. I was the girl he fucked when no one was looking. Why would he want to have something with me? Besides, I was ugly, I didn't even wear my own hair, and I had ugly and crooked teeth – nobody noticed me and when that happened it was to point out how ugly I was – something I was born knowing. While Silvania was light-skinned (not quite white, however) I was black and plain – some boys even hit on me, but I thought it was just for fun. He wore regular pants, a slightly baggy school shirt, and sneakers; My body was beautiful because it was one of the things depression had helped with losing weight. But, otherwise, I was an impending tragedy.

-

The weeks passed slowly. I had a friend who was gay (but not publicly acknowledged) who began to notice that every time Josh saw me, he stared at me for a long time, even pulling his hat off his head and running his hands through his hair, looking at me.

''Girl, every time you walk, Josh is sluggish looking at you '' Robert observed.

'' Huh? What?'' I asked because I really hadn't paid attention. I avoided looking with my eyes where he was, I didn't want to hurt myself anymore, and this thing of being without commitment was not for me. I would get a boyfriend and rub it in his face so that I can also have someone who accepts dating me - It was what I planned in my mind even at my young age.

'' I've been watching this for days now '' I tried not to listen to what my friend said, but it was undeniable to prevent my heart from racing in my chest.

***

The Snt. John season had arrived and so some teachers decided to have a farewell party for the June holidays. It was Friday afternoon. We were all dressed up. I wore overalls and high heels, it was even ''acceptable'' until I saw the other girls all made up prettier than me. My self-esteem went down there.

And then while we were waiting to enter the room that would be the party, Josh arrived accompanied by his '' friends ''.

My heart immediately came to a stop in my throat.

It was terribly beautiful and hot.... very hot.

He was wearing simple clothes, by the way. But even in ordinary clothes, he looked a knockout! White shirt and patterned shorts. For the first time in years, he was without his customary cap, leaving his beautiful long hair showing and damp. His serious eyes landed on me. I noticed that he tried to ignore me, more than once I caught him with his eyes nailed in my direction. However, when I realized it, he diverted when and went back to chatting with his friends again.

***

Party time arrived; we were all dancing. Josh and I exchanged a few glances, and in one of those he got up and tried to go dancing with Silvania – his girlfriend – She got irritated with him because she didn't want him to keep grabbing her and pushing him in front of everyone since she was having fun. with friends. He left the room and god knows where he went. I didn't mind, I thought it was well done.

Sometime later, Cristina called me to go to the bathroom with her and I went.

She was behind me, and I was in front, when I opened the door, Josh was sitting in a chair with his feet on top of the other, leaning on the headboard of it.

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

My heart was almost out of my mouth, I was closed, and he had a surprised face.

'' Excuse me '' I said dryly, and Cristina laughed behind me.

'' Sure! '' He said getting up and removing the chair for me to pass.

Then he pulled Cristina by the arm, while I waited in the distance already getting irritated.

Every time I saw Josh my mood would flip from one extreme to another.

Then she came laughing to me.

'' Bestie, Josh wants to hook up with us again.''

''Not myself! Go you stay with him! '' I said, angry and agitated.

I threw him a dirty look.

'' Calm down, woman! '' She laughed '' You're mad today huh? '' I left her talking to herself and went to the bathroom.

I went back again and enjoyed the rest of the party with my friends, at a certain point I had to retire in search of air in the courtyard of the school. I felt bad, the anxiety crisis started to haunt me and it alarmed me. Soon Josh passed with his group, I don't know what they said but they laughed and I thought it was me. I felt humiliated and angry, so I left and went back to the room to call my friend to leave. I was not well.

We then went to my house; I changed my heels and went back with my friend to take him back to the street. I needed to walk for a while to get some air and clear my head.

As I was returning home again, I noticed something behind me.

It was the spotted muscle black man, Josh's friend on the motorcycle, taking him on the back.

I got scared and looked at them.

They turned a corner laughing, and the tall guy spoke in a loud voice:

'' Die, satan! '' And I knew that had been me.

The two laughed at me, and I wished with all fervor that both and especially Josh would fall off the bike and break his beautiful doll face.

That night I cried until I couldn't take it anymore.

***

The next day, I persuaded my mother to change my look. I needed to feel good. Even more so when a ''friend'' of the family questioned my mother because I didn't wear good hair, that mine was already ugly and old, and that if she had money she would give me one herself.

My mom was as pissed off as much as I was that she took me out to a salon at seven in the evening to change my look. We walked all over the city; however, we found a beautiful curly hair that would look good on me. My mom insisted on paying, so she took my organic hair herself and applied the beautifying products while the salon owner finished with a customer. I spent five hours sitting down putting mega hair on a Saturday in June. And I don't regret it! it was the best decision I had ever made.

When I finished, I didn't even recognize myself. Was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I felt very beautiful, the difference was so great that when I walked down the street, I managed to draw everyone's attention to me and that left me with an inflated ego for the first time in my entire existence.

My activities at the church were flowing very well, after all I was the choreographer of the dance group and I felt at peace (on the one hand). I was avoiding Josh on my vacation, so everything was fine. Great, actually!

***

The vacations soon ended and so I put a picture of me with the hair I had before, the organic one) in the ''will I or won't I'' joke on Orkut. Then a young man with white skin and the face of an angel placed it below my photo:

'' Do you have MSN, a babe?''

I didn't care and decided to let it go. The other day, I showed it to my mother and soon she liked it. I was shocked when she told me to give him my MSN.

Of course, I didn't do it right away. I left it there to soak and moved on with my life.

I went back to school and the atmosphere between me, and Josh was on fire. We always exchanged looks, he didn't hide his desire for me in his eyes, even around his friends. But I was adamant, he had hurt me deeply.

I remember walking down the hall towards my classroom, he was talking to one of my classmates. From what I heard, he was asking his friend to give Silvania messages from him - she seemed to be irritated with him.

Then looking me up and down, he said with a smirk:

''Tell her that if she doesn't want to, the line moves.''

I ignored him but noticed in his speech, his hints at me. Robert immediately elbowed me holding back a laugh.

I just rolled my eyes.

I was determined to retaliate for everything he had done to me, I would turn it around. He might not appreciate me, but someone else would. I had to love myself, and Josh wasn't going to dictate that in my life. I would name it! I would be someone, not to show him something, but to show myself that if I want it, I can do it! I am capable.