Just Ryan

To my unhappiness the morning was sunny and a 23° degree heat marked presence in the place, if it was the opposite, I would make up some excuse to my mom to skip class today, the first day of class after vacation wasn't as important as the rest, but my mom insisted on making me go and meet new people, which for me wasn't a good idea since I had someone I cared about more than anything, and this someone was my best friend Brendon, as well as no one else in the middle of the semester.

The sun burned my skin in a delicious way, I always preferred the cold and humid days because on them I could release all my sadness without anyone noticing, and for me, the melancholic days were the best because I could be who I truly am. I got out of bed still groggy from sleep and allowed myself a look in the window 一 and there she was, Emilly Harrison in all her glory standing in front of her mirror.

I was not a pervert to look at her, because that was not my intention. I got out of bed ignoring the laziness that insisted on remaining in my body and as I passed the mirror I realized how finished I was at the very beginning of classes after recess. My name is Ryan Travis, I am seventeen years old, and I am the most unhappy man in the world.

The ice cold water falling on my body made me want to go back to bed, and I wasn't in the mood to go, but I had to. Right after getting out of the shower, I put on my school uniform and went to meet my parents who were already waiting for me in the kitchen for breakfast as usual.

一 Good morning, son 一 They said in unison and sometimes I wondered if this was rehearsed or just coincidence.

一 Good morning 一 My dismay was noticeable, but I didn't make a point of hiding it and then they sighed together.

I sat down at the table without even looking at them, I didn't want them questioning me at this time of the morning, I was full of telling everyone what was going on, so I would spare my parents' ear. Sometimes my parents made me afraid, their excessive worry sometimes made me roll my eyes, but in a way I understood them, they were my parents and it was normal for them to worry so much about me.

一 Looking forward to class? 一 My father inquired sipping his coffee.

Maybe I am and maybe I am not, what difference does it make?

一 It's your senior year son, just hang in there a little longer 一 My mom asked giving me her look of comfort, but if she knew everything I go through in that damn place she wouldn't ask me for this.

一 You don't have to worry about me, Mom.

My parents looked at me as if they wanted to find out what was going on and I was sure they would have asked me if not for a knock on the door that caught our attention.

一 I'll get it 一 My mother was the first to finish her coffee, so she was the first to leave the table, and the only one who was free to open the door.

From the chair I was sitting in, I could see all the way to the front door, and to my surprise, it was Brendon who was knocking on the door. When I looked at the clock, it was already after twenty past six in the morning, and if I took a little longer I would be late, but I was not paying much attention to that. Brendon walked my mother to the kitchen where I was standing and as soon as he saw me, we made our beat.

一 Would you like to join us, Brendon? 一 My father asked the boy pointing to the table with bread, milk and cheese.

一 Thanks uncle, but I had breakfast with my mom 一 He thanked me for the invitation.

Ever since I can remember Brendon has been my best friend, we met in kindergarten and haven't been apart since. My parents always loved Brendon, he was with me in my worst moments and for me he was more than a friend, he was a brother.

一 Dude, if you don't finish this now we're going to be late 一 He warned me and then, I put the whole remaining piece of bread in my mouth and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I frantically brushed them, making me feel a little pain, but I ignored it completely, I knew I wasn't brushing my teeth properly, but now I wanted to leave, or my parents would continue the conversation from before. I left the bathroom and went to meet Brendon who was already at the door, said goodbye to my parents, grabbed my backpack and so, we headed towards hell.

Brendon was walking alertly on the sidewalk, maybe because of the almost fatal accident a few months ago where Mark, Emy's boyfriend, as soon as he saw us on the sidewalk on our way to school almost purposely ran us over. Brendon was no different from me, he was an only child, also tormented by the popular group just as I was sure he liked Helena, Emilly's best friend and the most insufferable girl in the world.

一 Do you want to give up going? 一 I broke the boring mood.

一 We can't, someone new might have arrived 一 He said smiling low.

一 Cut it out, no one would want to go in that place.

Come on, just hold on, I know you can do it. And that was the second time I heard that word just this morning.

一 Yeah, you're right.

一 And how was your little vacation? He inquired excitedly.

We spent half of it together, I think you know how it was," I shrugged.

We had nowhere else to go and no other friends, so our only option was to play video games and watch serials that we repeated a thousand times, go to the pool with my parents and his mother and die of boredom on the days that were left. And that's how my vacation was summed up, just like his, nothing so nice, but also nothing so bad.

一 I know but I wanted to know your opinion 一 He insisted.

My dear friend Brendon, spending the vacations at your doorbell was the best thing that ever happened to me.

一 You're an idiot, man. 一 He gave me a gentle nudge and then hugged my neck.

一 That's why you're my best friend 一 I returned his little compliment.

I hadn't realized that to my unhappiness we had already arrived at the school, if it wasn't for Brendon's disgruntled sigh I really wouldn't notice, my reaction was no different than his, because for me everything involving her made me unhappy.

一 Yeah, we need to get inside 一 He called out and I took a deep breath before setting foot in the school.

一 So let's go.

The schoolyard was packed with kids and teenagers, today all the classes start, I caught several familiar faces as soon as my eyes passed all over the big schoolyard. The principal had already started her rehearsed speech and unfortunately everyone had to stay until the end of it, if I didn't know who was already in the room, I would definitely go there.

What if we go to the living room? Brendon proposed, looking as if he had read my mind.

Look all around the yard and see who's not here.

His head spun around almost 360 degrees looking for something and when he finally didn't find it, he looked at me with a look of disgust and finally he had understood that Mark and his gang were already in the classroom, since they always bypassed the direction and everyone else who was supposed to be one level higher than us, the students.

After a long and torturous thirty minutes, finally the principal had finished her speech and explained the same thing as at the beginning of the year, that the teachers would pass on the subjects and these would be what we would study in the last remaining six months. Brendon looked anxious as he walked beside me to the classroom, maybe it was because we were almost at the final stretch to finish this torture of high school. When we arrived in the classroom we had confirmation of what we had talked about a few minutes before 一 as if they owned the room, Mark, Emilly, and their cursed class already occupied the entire back of the room, and as soon as Mark's eyes met mine, a mocking look was given on his part, I knew he was up to something.

I almost stood motionless in the classroom doorway if it wasn't for Brendon who pulled me to the seat that used to be ours and that no one ever sat in, since according to Mark and his class, we had some contagious disease and if anyone dared to sit or touch us they would end up catching the same thing that he and his tiny brain supposedly had. I never understood the real reason Mark had tormented me since the fifth grade, I had heard from many people that it was all just jealousy, but I didn't have half of what he had, so jealousy was not the case.

I was distracted by my own thoughts until a ball of paper was thrown at my head, unlike the others I had been hit with, this one hurt more than usual and I only understood why when the paper shattered on my desk and inside it was a rock. Mark and his friends laughed at my face as well as everyone else in the room, while Brendon made a crying face, and it wasn't even on him, when I looked again, Emilly seemed to be sad, and her look at me was like pity, and as soon as Mark realized that we were facing each other, he pulled Emilly by the hair brutally and I was sure that it hurt. Luckily for me, the geography teacher came into the room, and that little scream that had formed in the room, I didn't understand why this was happening to me.

一 Good morning students! The teacher greeted us as he put his bag on the desk.

No one in the class responded and this was something so common that the teachers and the administration were already used to the rudeness of the class, so in his speech Professor Marcos also announced that the five classes would be of thirty minutes and fifteen breaks, which was a relief for me, my head where the stone was hit hurt and I wasn't brave enough to touch it.

The teacher started the class and told me the subject he would begin with and that in a few days he would ask for a pair work that he himself would choose. I never liked it when teachers chose, because I always fell in with someone who hated me as much as I did, but I had to put up with it or I wouldn't get a grade.

Every time I heard a joke directed at me that in fact everyone in class knew and even some of the teachers, I contemplated the idea of going home early, but I had to stop being a whiny little boy like I used to hear and hold my head up high.

To my relief, class went by quickly and I basically dragged Brendon to the tree we used to hang out in, I had totally lost my hunger and to avoid confusion, I preferred not to show up in the cafeteria and to my bad luck, Mark was in the tree leaning over as if he was waiting for us. Brendon managed to get back unlike me who was closed in by Luke and Peter, and to make my situation worse, Mark was also closing me in.

一 I don't want you looking at my cat 一 He pushed me away and pointed in the direction of Emilly who was with her head down.

一 She's not invisible so I don't have to look 一 I replied at the time and at the same instant I regretted it, Mark punched me in the stomach making me fall on the floor in pain.

I looked to the side and several people saw the scene, even Brendon who was now lying on the ground and next to him were Luke and Peter who disappeared behind me in a split second. People didn't dare to get involved in Mark's fights, and the place we were in didn't have a single camera, but maybe that wouldn't change much since the direction only cares about status and not about the well being of the students.

一 Next time it will be worse 一 Mark uttered the words as soon as I caught my breath and before I could look at him, something was put on my head and only after a banana peel fell I realized that the unknown object was garbage.

I felt like the worst person in the world for not being able to fight back, this has been happening to me for years and I never did anything about what he did to me. And again what Mark once told me came to the surface 一 I really was a wimp and couldn't save myself or my best friend if something happened. I took the trashcan off my head and as I looked to where Brendon was standing I could see the boy still lying on the ground, I walked still in pain towards him and as I approached I realized he was crying.

一 Let's get our stuff to go home, man 一 I called out giving him a little push.

一 How long is this going to go on? He asked and I felt sorry, neither of us deserved this.

一 Hold on just a little while 一 I repeated his words from earlier.

一 It won't be long will it?

一 No brother, it won't. Now let's go.

I offered my hand and he took it without hesitation, my shirt wasn't as wet as I thought it would be, I looked back and realized that only papers and vegetable peelings were inside, which gave me a relief since I wouldn't want to explain to my mom how I got all my uniform dirty. When he got up we headed inside the room and luckily there was no one there, it was only 8 minutes until the end of the break, and I didn't want to stay one more minute in this place.

Like two outlaws, we left the school without anyone noticing, outside I felt free, there will still be two more classes for the morning shift to end, but since no one will miss us, I'm sure it won't change much. The silent way back home was the best, neither of us dared to comment on what happened at school, this kind of thing was what I avoided talking about even with him who always saw.

We said goodbye as soon as we arrived in front of my house and luckily my parents were not there, as soon as I locked the door, I passed through the huge hallway before entering my room and decided that today I wouldn't leave it to meet my parents for dinner, I threw my bag on the bed and grabbed some clothes from the closet and went to the bathroom.

I stopped in front of the mirror and had a small vision of the back of my head, the reason for the pain was a small wound that formed where the stone was hit, he was going to pay for everything he did to me, because I believed in the law of karma. I searched and searched again and finally found my father's little box of blades, I had promised myself that I would stop this, but again I couldn't, I am the weakest being on the face of the earth.

One cut, two cuts, three cuts would be enough for today. The blood dripped into the bathroom sink and the cut burned enough that I didn't get wet in the water now, I pretended to be strong, but the reality was that I was not. The tears that I had avoided all day finally came out of my eyes, sometimes I wondered if I lived or survived, but I couldn't end my life and leave my parents suffering, I loved them even though I didn't show it, and I want to see their happiness even if I am dead inside.

I stepped into the shower and the blood mixed with the water that fell on my body, the burning was bearable compared to my aching heart, it wasn't wrong for a man to cry, but it was wrong to be a despicable person like Mark, but I was too weak to do anything and help other people going through the same situation as me.

The bleeding stopped and I was ready to get out of the shower, I ran soap all over my body avoiding my wrist, turned off the shower, dried myself in a careful way and put on my clothes, my parents would only arrive in the evening, and I know that depending on the day, they would not call me for dinner, and this would be better.

I checked the front door one last time and when I saw that it was locked I went to my room ignoring everything, and when I arrived I noticed that Mark's car was parked in front of Emilly's house, I closed the window a little hard, then the curtain had the same fate and then I threw myself on the bed, the morning for me was the worst, but unfortunately I would still have the rest of the days, and I would have to be strong to endure everything with my head held high.

I felt a slight rocking in my body, my mother's voice had concern, was it past school time and she was calling me for this? I opened my eyes with difficulty because of the sleep I was in and when I looked around it was dark, the day wasn't over or dawning, it had only been a few hours since I left school, straining with my wrist cut was the worst thing, it hurt like I had hit a vein, but I ignored the pain anyway and sat up looking incredulously at my mom and dad who were standing at my bedroom door.

一 Mom, what is it? My words came out almost in a whisper.

一 You're burning up in fever son 一 She touched me and next to her was the thermometer.

一 I don't think I am, maybe it's just hot 一 I tried to calm her down because she was desperate.

一 You're all sweaty, let me put the thermometer on you 一 She walked over to me quickly and put the thermometer on without me even noticing.

I looked at the time on the clock and after two minutes the thermometer beeped, I didn't let my mother take it out, I did it myself, and was surprised at the degrees it marked on it, I thought about the possibility of tetanus, but it was almost null since the blade was clean and not rusty or anything else that could cause it in me, but the answer I knew what it was, it was just an emotional fever, the result of a bad school day.

一 I'll be fine, Mom 一 I looked at the thermometer reading 39 degrees and tried to reassure her.

一 Here's the medicine 一 She handed me the small pill and a glass of water that I didn't know where it came from, but I didn't want to argue so I took it in a single gulp.

一 Very good, dear. Do you want to have dinner with us? 一 He suggested.

一 Thanks, but I'm not hungry, Mom.

一 If you need anything, just call me! She winked and walked out of my room.

I sat on the bed and sighed, I didn't want to be like this forever, I wanted to fight back, but he was clearly stronger than me, and still had the dogs on his tail, it will be almost impossible to touch a single hair on Mark's head, besides being a player, he is a fighter and someone like me is nothing compared to him. I took a deep breath and leaned forward a little and realized that the light in Emilly's room was on, sometimes I had a huge urge to ask why an apparently nice girl is doing with a guy like Mark, the answer was clear, girls will always prefer the wrong ones.

I picked up my cell phone and there were several messages from Brendon, apparently he was fine, he was the only one who didn't suffer so much with this, and I just wanted him to be in peace, because it wasn't him who blew up Mark's ball in the fifth grade and it was me, even though it wasn't on purpose, the guy holds grudges and resentments against me until the present day, and years have passed. I decided to ignore all his messages and lie down a little longer, I was not sleepy at all, and this time I would stay awake for a long time.

I turned on the television in my room and turned down the air conditioner, a random anime was playing on the television, which was news to me. I spent a lot of time watching other programs on TV and when I looked at the clock again it was already ten o'clock at night, I was hungry and I was sure that my parents had already left, so I didn't run the risk of having to answer some questions. I opened the door slowly and everything was dark, under my parents' door there was a crack of light, it was likely that they were watching a movie as they always did at night.

I opened the fridge door and found a chocolate cake, which by the way was already broken into slices to facilitate my work, I took a plate and a fork and served myself, chocolate cake was my mother's specialty, I was dying of boredom while eating the cake and then decided to answer Brendon's messages, maybe he wouldn't answer me at this time of the night, but I knew that unlike me, he hadn't slept in the afternoon, and bingo, as soon as I opened our conversation he was online. Unlike me, he had other people outside of school, people who were also his friends, and that made me happy, it would be selfish if I said I didn't want him to have other friends and somewhat toxic too, but in reality I wanted him not to be my friend, he was too cool to suffer next to me.

"Why are you up at this hour?" 一 I asked, ignoring his previous messages.

For now I'm not sleepy, but can I know why you are too? 一 Now it was his turn to ask me.

I fell asleep when I got home from school, and woke up a few hours ago.

"But are you okay?" 一 His concern was evident, but like every time I would lie again.

"Yeah, just a slight fever, nothing to worry about.

''So you're not going to school tomorrow, right?''

''Probably not.

"I don't want to be alone.

"If I'm not there you're fine, go without fear that no harm will come to you, I'm hanging up now.

I didn't wait for his answer and quickly turned off the internet on my cell phone, washed what I had dirt on, and looking out the kitchen window realized how beautiful the night was, and nothing better than to sit on a bench to watch it. My body was still warm, but if I went outside, maybe the cold of the night would regulate my body temperature, because I wasn't that bad. A shiver ran through my body as soon as I opened the front door, the street was not dangerous, it was a quiet street and sometimes some couples stayed on it until dawn, so there was no danger of being alone on it.