Insane Desire

Lucy's POV

Lunch time. Oh joy. I get to get out of this room for once. Don't get me wrong, I like being alone and by myself, but I do need to eat once in a while

The door opens and a medical worker steps in, cautiously. When she moves, her white lab coat presses against one of her legs and I can see the outline of a syringe. Meds, just in case I get... rowdy. I wonder why they even bother to bring one with them when the come to get me. I almost never misbehave.

And the only times when I do happen to misbehave, it's for a perfectly legit reason. On reflex I shrink away from her when she comes close to me, reaching out a hand.

"It's ok sweetheart, come here, I'm not going to hurt you, it's lunch time." She says in her usual calming tone. The word is that this woman is the best there is, to get mute kids to talk, fix their problems, and things like that. That she was the best in the country, world even. Also that she's fixed every kid/adult/teenager that's come her way.

Except for me.

She was just hired a week ago, because of me, and she keeps trying to make me come out of my room, and a few times she almost used force.

As you can probably already tell, I don't talk. A lot of people have been hired to try to help me, with all my problems, but none of them work.

I guess I'm permanently broken.

Giving the lady a glare, I stand up on my own and move towards the door. People know I don't like physical contact. Actually, I despise it. I'll go crazy if someone touches me, I'll totally flip out.

Just one of the reasons why they're keeping me here in this place.

"This way dear." She leads me down the hall, as if I don't know where I'm going. But, nevertheless, I follow her obediently into the medium sized room that they call a cafeteria. It's got a few tables and chairs, and a food line. Right now the kids are lining up with plates to get their selection of the food of the day. I'm the last one, as usual, since I'm on the top floor of this building, in a hallway, in a room all by myself.

No one but a few of the doctors and psychiatrists dare to come up there. I've never figured out why that is exactly, but I probably don't want to know.

Taking a plate off of the rack, I follow the rest of the kids down the line, not even looking at what's being put on my plate. It's not like it matters anyway, I'm only going to eat a few bites.

Stalking over to my regular table in the corner away from everyone, I sit down, dropping my tray in front of me. Looking down at the plate, I pick up my fork and start picking at the Mac n' Cheese in front of me, not at all hungry.

Hey, I could be anorexic, but I haven't been diagnosed with it yet. I can feel people watching me, so I look up through my bangs and see a few of the doctors that come to see me, staring at me. I hate being stared at like I'm a freak.

Standing up swiftly, I grab my plate and dump it in the trash, before walking out of the room. My actions made the room go quiet, since this was sort of unusual behavior for me. I'm usually quiet and calm, things like that, and I only have my freak outs later or earlier in the day, sometimes both.

I know no one is going to follow me, since they know I won't go anywhere else besides my room, because there are cameras everywhere. Adjusting the nightgown thing I have on, I start up the stairs slowly.

Very slowly.

I bet you're wondering why.

Well, it's because I'm going back to my cell.

My padded cell.

Why do I need a padded cell?

Where am I located?

I'm in a mental institution, otherwise called an insane asylum by most, the best in the country, and I need it because I'm insane, of course.

Or so they tell me everyday.

I can't ever go through a day without having some doctor talking to me then going and whispering to his colleagues ' she's crazy' or 'something is deeply wrong in that girl's brain.' I've also had people saying, 'why hasn't she talked in so long? Is she slow?' and things like that.

So what if I'm crazy?

I don't even know how I've been placed in that category.

But, I guess when you watch your whole family and all your friends and town get massacred in front of your eyes, or if you sometimes hear voices in your head, or any more of the problems that have accumulated in me, you would be counted as crazy.

~Flashback 5 years ago~

After my shower, I go back into my room in a new white asylum issued gown. I stand in the corner and lean against the padded wall, then for no reason at all I start dragging my nails against the slightly rough surface, snagging my short nails.

They don't let us keep our nails long, something about clawing our faces. Whatever, I hope they know that just because they keep our nails short doesn't mean we can't cause damage.

Still dragging my hands down, I sink to the floor. Without realizing it, I had gotten small cuts on my fingers from where one of my nails slipped and caught my skin instead of the fabric. It had left bloody trails on the walls and I look, at them, watching as the blood sinks into the wall, staining it a dark red. It's only 5 blurred lines on either wall next to me plus 2 handprints, but still, the effect is creepy.

Not to me though. I wonder what a visitor would think if they went into the observatory and looked down upon me, with blood trails leading to the floor on either side of me. Maybe they would pity me, maybe they would feel disgusted. Hopefully they wouldn't care, just pass me off as a crazy person.

The sight of that blood on the wall, brings flashes of memories to the front of my mind.

I was eight when it happened. I was coming home from school, on my own, swinging my Sailor Moon lunchbox on its handle, with my Pokemon bookbag slung over my shoulder.

Looking down, I see that my shoe's untied, so I lean over and tie it up. As soon as I stand up though, I wish I had stayed down.

Because there was something in front of me that wasn't there before. Walking closer like any inquisitive child my age would do, I look at the man lying at an odd angle before me.

The blood pools around his body, but I don't know what it means. Is he doing something for Halloween? It's October, but Halloween's not for weeks.

Confused, I walk past him, taking one last glance at the scared expression on his face, eyes wide open, staring, blank.

All along the public sidewalk in the middle of the town, where I'm walking at now, has spatters of blood. How could this have happened so quickly?

I step up to my favorite candy shop and look inside, hoping that my friend Jessica is there as she usually is, deciding on whether to get skittles or gummy bears. Instead all I see is the dark red stain on the white and black tiled floor. At first I think that the shop owner spilled something, maybe a slushie. But no, when I get closer, it doesn't smell like cherries or strawberries, but something like a new penny.

I start crying at what I see when I pass the M&M stand. Josie is lying on the floor, eyes wide open like the man before, bloody handprints streaking down the wall next to her.

"jessy? Jessy come on wake up! It's not funny anymore!" I cry, shaking her shoulder.

Jessy doesn't wake up though.

~ flashback over ~

Jerking up, shaking, my eyes wide and terrified, I stare around the room, expecting to see some indication of the past.

Nothing.

Still shaking violently, I take a few steps towards the button on the wall that I have to press whenever this happens. It automatically signals the person who gives me my meds, so they come up here and give them to me.

I collapse on the floor before I reach the button, and scoot forwards, reaching up towards it. Finally my fingers reach and the button is pushed.

Minutes later the door swings open and a girl rushes in. When she sees me lying there, convulsing, on the floor, she swiftly kneels next to me, taking the syringe out and wiping an alcohol swab over my arm.

I feel the prick, then everything fades into nothing.

When the meds wear off and I come back into consciousness, I realize that I'm still lying on the floor in an awkward position. Stretching out, I feel some bones in my back pop and crack, settling back into place. I stand up and make my way slowly back to my cot, stumbling slightly.

Usually, I take pills for those seizures, or convulsions, but I haven't had any in a week, and for some reason, the doctors won't give me any. And they have to know that if they don't give me my pills I'll die. Literally. The seizures will get worse until eventually I just go into a coma and die. They wouldn't want that, right?

I hope.

Sitting back on the edge of my cot, I lie down and brace my back against the wall, folding my legs up under me. There's really nothing to do in this room, and I can't listen to music because electronics and things like that aren't allowed. Whenever someone asks, the answer always revolves around the fact that it would be too easy to make something to hurt yourself or someone else if you had something to make it out of. We aren't even allowed to have Ipods because you have to use headphones to listen to one, and that would be counted as a safety hazard.

While I'm thinking over all the unfairness of the rules applied at this place, my door opens and someone walks in. Jerking my head up, I stare at them with a questioning gaze. Wordlessly, the doctor who basically runs this place, motions for me to follow him. Getting out of my position on the bed, I follow after him, down the hall and to the stairs.

After going down about 3 flights of stairs, he stops at a door and opens it, leading me into a bare hallway. I can see the doors lining the walls, but I know they're offices and not sleeping quarters for patients. The doctor takes me to the very last door, and opens it.

He steps in and I step in cautiously after him, examining the room. My eyes immediately land on the 3 people in the room, not including the doctor and myself. They are all examining me like I'm examining them, but I don't care. Shifting my eyes from them, I analyze the space, taking in all the different photos and medical degrees in frames on the walls, the medical books on the large bookshelf and everything else that occupies the space in this room.

"Um... Lucy, we sort of lied to you. That lady before is really the best, but only in this country. This man," Here he motions to a guy that looks around 20,

"Is really the best in the world. And him and his sons are here to get you... better." The doctor explains, and I glance at him, showing him that I understand.

Not that it's going to work.

"Well, I'll just leave you all alone. Lucy, you know where your room is, go straight there after your done here." He says to me sternly and then leaves.

Everything is silent for a while, and it's just me and those 3 guys, staring at each other.

"lucy, why don't you come and sit over here." The older guy in the room says, and motions to a couch against the window on the wall, that's specifically for patients. It's like one of those that you see in psychiatrist offices, but well, that's what this guy is I guess. After sitting down, I look down at the floor, waiting for someone to speak.

"You must be wondering who we are. I'm Blake Marks, and these are my sons, Leonard Mark and Cole Jacobs." I notice how they don't have the same last name, and he notices the look on my face. "They're my adopted sons." He says, shortly.

No need to get snappy.

"Ok today I thought we'd just get to know each other." Blake says, smiling at me encouragingly.

I can't believe he actually thinks that just because he's supposedly the best in the world, that I'm going to talk to him. I don't talk. I just don't.

Staring at him as if he just proclaimed that dinosaurs aren't extinct, I blink a few times, but don't say anything. After a few seconds, his smile deflates and he looks sort of let down.

Psh, I bet that all those other mute kids he had to deal with talked on the first try. But not me, not by a long shot. The silence comes back, and everyone's just looking at each other.

"Ok lets go over your phobias shall we? And come up with ways to try and help them?"

Since I don't answer, he bends down to open a drawer, then pulls out a huge folder, labeled with two words: Lucy's Phobias.

Yeah, I've got a lot.

"I guess we should get started..." He says uncertainly, flipping through all the pages. I can see that one page contains one phobia. So, a phobia a page.

This is going to take a while, I can tell. Cole and Leonard look absolutely shocked at how many phobias I have. I'm not ashamed of it, not at all. It's just the way I am.

"all of your phobias. Every one of them is what we're going to be going through."

In my mind, I list them as he says them, remembering why I'm afraid of that one thing.

1.Agoraphobia – fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place

2.Amnesiphobia – fear of amnesia9

3.Anthropophobia - fear of people or society

4.Aphenphosmphobia – fear of being touched (Haphephobia)

5.Arachnephobia or arachnophobia – fear of spiders

6.Astraphobia or astrapophobia –fear of thunder and lightning (ceraunophobia, keraunophobia)

7.Cancerophobia or carcinophobia – fear of cancer

8.Chiraptophobia – fear of being touched

9.Claustrophobia – fear of confined spaces

10.cleithrophobia or cleisiophobia – fear of being locked in an enclosed space

11.Contreltophobia – fear of sexual abuse

12.Dystychiphobia- fear of accident

13.Ecclesiophobia- fear of accident

14.Ecophobia- fear of home

15.Eicophobia – fear of home surroundings (Domatophobia, Oikophobia)

16.Glossophobia – fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak

17.Hagiophobia- fear of saints or holy things

18.Haphephobia or haptephobia – fear of being touched

19.Hierophobia- fear of priests or sacred things

20. Laliophobia or Lalophobia – fear of speaking

21.Lilapsophobia – fear of tornadoes and hurricanes

22.Merinthophobia- fear of being bound or tied up

23.Mnemophobia – fear of memories

25.Nostophobia – fear of returning home

24.Necrophobia – fear of death or dead things

27.Philophobia – fear of falling in love or being in love

26.Ouranophobia or Uranophobia – fear of heaven

28.Polyphobia- fear of many things

29.Pyrophobia – fear of fire

31.Teratophobia – fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people

30.Soteriophobia – fear of dependence on others

32.Tocophobia – fear of pregnancy or childbirth

33.Topophobia – fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright

34. Virginitiphobia – fear of rape

All of my phobias. Read aloud, for everyone in the room to hear. Thirty-four in all, just parts of what's wrong with me. Those are just the phobias. I've probably got some kind of disease or mental disorder too.

This guy and his 'sons' aren't going to be able to help me!

I'm broken, damaged goods.

Blake, Cole, Leonard are all silent once Blake gets done reading, and they look surprised. I bet they didn't expect me to have all of those problems. I guess I'm just a genetic screw up that no one can fix because I'm irreparable.

Blake dismisses me with a wave of his hand, and I get out of that... place... as quick as I can, sprinting down the hall and back up the stairs to my cell. The door opens when I come close, and slams shut behind me. I hear the lock click, but luckily this room is big enough so I don't feel that... enclosed, like I'm in a cage.

"Well... this is going to be tough but I think we can do it." Cole says quietly, glancing at me when he says it.

Looking at my bed, I see a tray of food waiting for me, so I eat quickly and then place the tray gently on the floor, curling up on my bed.

I fall asleep thinking about how stupid everyone is for even trying to help me.

Lucy's POV

The next day, it's time for our weekly group therapy session. At least, I think that's what it is. Every kid in the building is gathered up in this one room on benches to sit and watch a 3 hour long movie about how you should take your meds, listen to your doctors and be docile little sheep. It's really annoying, because it's the same thing every week, and then you have to take all of your pills at once, and it makes you feel all funky and basically act like a lunatic for the rest of the day. Or well, that's what happens to me.

"Come on Lucy, it's time to go..." Blake says, as he enters my room. I'm sitting on my bed, as always, staring up at the little rectangular window at the top part of my room. At night it lets in the moonlight, and in the morning it lets in some sunlight.

Turning my head when he walks in, I stand up and walk over, absently running my fingers through my hair. I'd noticed another syringe in his pocket. Wondering what that one contains, I walk along behind him and his sons, staring down at my feet.

When I finally realize that we're in front of the door, I step around the 3 guys and walk in, taking a seat at the back, right next to the door. Trying to be invisible, I shrink down a bit. They don't let people sit in the back. They HAVE to sit at the front. It's like a rule.

But, someone just had to notice and they walk over to me. Before they reach me, I stand up and take a seat near the front, sending a glare their way. The doctor just smirks and walks back to where he was leaning against the wall with the other doctors.

"Ok everyone, today we've changed the video up a bit, so just watch..." the head person says, then starts the movie and goes to the back of the room. Leaning back against my chair, I look towards the screen on the wall. They never change the video. I wonder what this is about...

The movie starts and I watch for not even 3 minutes, before looking at the wall next to the screen. That movie... it's so wrong. When I moved my eyes, I caught a glimpse of something... turning my head a bit, I stare towards the other kids in the room, realizing they all look well... doped up.

What the hell is going on here? Now blatantly staring, I watch as the doctors come around with cups of pills, handing them to the kids. I know what everyone's pills look like, and those AREN'T their pills. Then it comes to be my turn.

Blake, Cole and Leonard walk over together to give me my pills. I've actually got 3 small cups full. I wonder if the doctors think that we're all so crazy that we have no idea what our medicine looks like.

THESE AREN'T MY MEDS!........

I wish that I could scream that out, but I don't talk. Giving Blake a look, I nod slightly towards my pills, pleading with my eyes. He looks confused as he hands them to me, and a little shocked that I'm even trying to communicate.

As Cole hands the pills in his hand over to me, he bends close to me, and as he places the cup in my hand he whispers, "What is it?" in my ear. When he leans back a little, I dart my eyes towards the movie, then to the pills then give all 3 of them a desperate look.

It takes them a minute, but they finally realize what I'm trying to say. When Leonard hands me mine, he too whispers in my ear.

"Pretend to eat them, or just dump them down your shirt or something, or into your pocket." Then they all walk away, and no one suspects a thing.

Looking back towards the screen, I can sense a lot of people watching me. From the corner of my eye, I see almost all of the doctors watching me, since I haven't swallowed my pills yet. Taking a few out of each cup, I grab the water bottle someone handed to me, and pretend to drink them down, really I'm dropping them down my shirt.

That process repeats over and over again. When the last cup is empty, one of the doctors comes over to collect the empty water bottle and the cups, examining me. I pretend to get really loopy, making it look like my eyes are glazed over while I stare at the screen. The doctor walks away smirking. When I'm sure everyone isn't watching, I take all the pills that I dropped down my shirt and shove them into the pockets on the inside of my robe, glad that I had thought to wear it.

Staring back towards the video playing, I listen as the guy talks about new procedures that are being introduced.

"It is very important that you listen to your doctors and take all of your pills, they will make you... better. Much better. It may seem odd, but it's all with your well being in mind, always remember that. No matter what happens, it's good for you."

That's just one of the crazy things this guy on the vid is saying. He's also talked about how there are going to be punishments for anyone who doesn't obey, and if they don't get better well... the guy never finished that sentence. Keeping the dazed look on my face, I pretend to watch the video, but really I'm tuning all the horrible words out, and staring at a point next to the screen.

Blake, Cole, and Leonard come to collect me and take me back to my room, and I notice how I'm getting odd looks from the doctors. All the doctors, except for my specific psychiatrists, which are Blake, Cole and Leonard. It's really, really freaking me out, because I have no idea why the hell they're looking at me like that. Rushing out of the room with the 3 of them, we all speed up the stairs and to the office room thing that I was in when I was first introduced to them.

"This is really odd, really. Do you still have the pills?" Blake is walking back and forth in front of me, looking stressed.

"In all my years of being around this place and other institutions, I've never seen that video, or seen any of these procedures. Never even heard of them." He stops moving when I hold out all of the pills I'd put in my pockets. He smiles at me, but doesn't look discouraged when I don't smile back.

He's probably getting used to the fact that I don't talk to anyone. Letting the pills fall out of his hands and onto his desk, he calls Cole over to help him organize them, while telling Leonard to get on the internet or something to find out what type of pills those are.

When he politely asks me to leave, I do it quickly, walking down the hall at a fast pace, and swinging onto the stairs, running up them. I keep a look out for any doctors, not wanting to be caught.

Once I'm on my floor, on my way to my room, I'm home free.

Or so I thought.

When I pulled open the heavy door that leads to the hallway my room is on, I notice that my cell door is cracked open slightly. That's not good... Walking VERRY slow, I scoot my feet along the ground going at an angle so I can see if anything is in there. But when I get to the door, I see no one in there.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I realize that Blake must have not closed it completely when we left earlier. Stepping into the room, I skip over to my bed, wanting to lie down and forget this all happened.

Behind me, the door slowly creaks shut. Freezing in my spot, I don't look behind me, afraid of what I might see. But when I don't hear anything, I whirl around, only to come face to face with the head doctor person. Reading his nametag, I see that his name's Luke. Dr. Luke. Geeky much?

"You think you could fool me?" He says, walking closer. The door opens behind him and two burly guy doctor people walk in, standing like guards next to the now re-shut door.

"I know you didn't take your pills." I watch as he reaches in his pocket and leisurely pulls out a syringe filled with a murky gray liquid.

Dr. Luke smirks at me as he flicks the glass syringe, then presses down on the little handle thing, causing a little stream of whatever medicine that is to squirt out into the air, like in all the doctor movies. Trying not to be afraid, I keep my eyes locked with his.

"You probably think everyone should pity you because of what happened." Here he takes a step forwards,

" The truth is, most people are afraid of you. They think you're such a lunatic, that you've been like this for so long that you've lost your sense of humanity. I just think that you'd be a good... play toy I guess you could say." The next time he takes a step forwards, I have to take a step back, because he's almost close enough to touch me.

He makes some miniscule movement with one of his hands, and the two doctors come forwards next to him.

"Now are you going to be a good girl? I don't want to have to use force." When he says 'force' he glances at the two doctor people.

Taking more steps back when he comes close again, he sighs and shakes his head.

"Force it is..." is all he says, and then the 2 doctors come forwards, hands reaching.

NO!

Trying to dart around Dr. Luke, they lunge for me, grabbing my arms and holding me still. My heart starts pounding two times faster, and my vision starts going blurry.

Physical contact...

The room starts spinning, and I catch flashes of the action going on around me.

Dr. Luke coming close to me with the syringe. Him pressing the cold needle into the vein on my arm, then the stinging sensation of whatever it is as it rushes through my veins.

I can barely ask myself why it hurts in my head before I faint, or the medicine takes effect and knocks me out. Either one, something happens and everything goes black.

The first thing I realize when I wake up, is that I'm tied to a chair. Great, another one of my fears... Merinthophobia – fear of being bound or tied up. I start struggling blindly, trying to get free. I feel it when the rope around my wrists breaks the skin, and warm drops of blood drip down my hands. Eventually I get worn out, but I got the rope loose enough to actually pull my hands out, because I was struggling so much.

You can do a lot of damage if you're afraid of being tied up. Finally able to pay attention to what's around me, I see that I'm in the group therapy room, and the screen is on and playing in front of me. All the benches were taken out, so the room is empty.

Letting my eyes flicker to the screen for a minute, I watch as just a few of these words flash across the screen: pain, fear, discipline, enemy, fight. Along with pictures, gory pictures, painful pictures.

This. Isn't. Happening.

I remember what one of my counselors told me one time, when I had just had a violent mental therapy session, and I had been locked in just one of my many nightmares.

Flashback 6 months ago

"You mustn't let your nightmares control you, you are your own person, nothing can change that." The doctor tells to the 12 and a half-year old girl sitting in front of him.

"They're your dreams, you can change them into whatever you want. Even if it's not a nightmare, if it's real life, don't let your fears take control. Keep calm in tough situations, think out your reaction, don't let your emotions show. And no matter what, imagine it as something you can take control of."

I look up at him and blink a couple times, still breathing heavily from my nightmare.

"if your surroundings are scary, take that fear and use it to fuel your strength. This is your life, no one but yourself can help you."

* Flashback over *

After that session, the doctor quit and moved away. As soon as I remember that, I stand up and go over to the projector behind me, along with my chair. Without a word, I pick the chair up and smash it over the projector, breaking it into pieces. Over and over, the chair comes down, annihilating that stupid machine. Keeping a straight face, I use the light of the EMERGENCY EXIT signs to examine the room.Seeing glints of light from all four corners of the room, I recognize it as cameras. Recording my actions. Slowly, I turn from corner to corner, flicking each camera, and the person watching the screen that's got this recording on it, off.

Taking control of myself, I calculate everything. The possibilities of getting out of this room and to Griffin and the rest of them. Whether or not I'm going to live. Everything.

Letting my eyes roam around the room, I notice the double doors, see the glinting metal of the handles. Smirking, I walk over and pull on them, but I hear the rattle of a pad lock and chain on the other side, and I almost let out a scream of frustration.

Taking another course of action, I go to the emergency doors, and try shoving one open. The same thing happens, but surprisingly, I remember something I learned in my first weeks of being here.

If you pull the fire alarm, all doors will open automatically, no matter what. Deciding to try it, I punch the glass on the covering of the fire alarm next to the door, until it breaks, and I can pull the lever.

Immediately after, the alarm sounds and the door slides sideways to open. Grinning triumphantly, I sprint out the door and down the hallways, dodging doped up kids in the hallways, and scaring any doctors I can. Reaching the main hall, I see Blake, Cole and Leonard rushing down the main stairs. Relieved, I kick up the speed, hurtling towards them.

Almost knocking Blake down, I stop right before I hit him. He stumbles back a step from surprise, then he heads towards a side door.

The 2 guys follow him and I follow them. When outside, we hide behind a low wall, and keep quiet.

But then, a doctor finds us and ushers us out into the large yard. The fire alarm cut off some time ago, and now everyone's staring at me.

How the hell do they know it was me?

Before Blake, Cole and Leonard can do anything, a doctor closest to me takes out a syringe in their pocket and shoves the needle in my arm. What is obviously morphine gets shot into my bloodstream, and I fall limp.

Now isn't this just fantastic.

3.....Insane Desire (insane

Lucy's POV

The long walk home is excruciating. Deciding whether or not to run, the little girl is overwhelmed by everything. She just hopes her parents will explain what's happening.

"M-mommy I'm h-home." The little girl calls when she steps in the door, tears running down her face.

"Mommy tell me what's happening. I'm scared." She whispers, walking up stairs and to her mother's room. Her father was at work, her mother doesn't work.

The room is in disarray. Lamps thrown around pictures broken on the floor, feathers from the pillows still floating in the air. Blood on the sheets explains everything though.

"N-no!" the little girl runs over, tripping and stumbling, only to see her mom lying half on and half off the bed, limbs bent in impossible directions.

At this point, the girl can barely see what's inches in front of her, the tears are streaming down her face so fast and hard. Numb, she walks out of the house and leaves it all behind, she understands what an orphan is, it's someone who has no one to take care of them. That's what she is now.

The little girl shivers from the cold, glad now that she had listened to her mother that morning when she told her to bring her heavy jacket.

"M-mommy I miss you." The girl sobs as she curls up on a bench where the buses normally stop, just hoping for someone to come along and save her.

I wake up in convulsions. I'm hyperventilating, and my hands are shaking. I can't see straight and nothing is staying still. With bleary eyes I look everywhere around the room for my pills.

Finally finding the familiar red bottle on the table next to me, I barely manage to get one out without spilling them everywhere. It's harder to breathe now, and I'm dizzier.

***............

Swallowing the pill dry, I pass out again, falling back on the bed.

The next time when I wake up, it's not to convulsions. Luckily for me, the pills had been right beside me. I wouldn't have lasted if they weren't in here.

But where is 'here'? Sitting up for the second time, I take stock of my surroundings, the familiar padded walls, the normal sounds.

I'm back in my cell. But why would they put me back in my cell? Maybe they changed their minds? Nope I don't think so.

Then the door opens and a nurse walks in with a tray of food, and she smirks evilly at me as she sets the tray on the foot of my bed. Glaring back, I act like I'm going to throw the pill bottle at her, and she scuttles out of the room. Ha, serves her right.

Looking distastefully down at the food, I immediately know it's been drugged. I always know these things.

Just the way it's arranged gives that off. The overly stirred soup, so stirred that it's too thin, the bread that was broken open in the middle and squished back together.

God do they think I'm retarded or what? Picking up the tray I go to my door and to the slot at the bottom where they can put food through and one by one shove each item through.

Then I go back to stand on my bed and look up at the camera in the corner. Flicking it off, I take the pill bottle and throw it, and luckily it hits it's mark, breaking the camera lens.

Good, now I'm not being stalked on camera anymore.

After a few minutes have passed, someone comes to get me. As soon as the door opens, I jump up and stand in a tensed position, ready to lunge at whoever tries to touch me.

"It's ok I'm not going to hurt you." A calm voice says as whoever it is walks through the door, then turns to me. Sighing in relief when I see that it's just Cole, I sit back down on my cot.

He comes over and sits next to me, and he's silent for a while.

"You know, they've locked us in this building. There's security guards patrolling every way out, even the air ducts." He says, glancing at me. I don't respond, just stare at the wall, sort of in a daze.

"Leonard, Blake, and I want to get you out of here. You don't belong here. You belong out there, in the open, not cramped up in this small padded room." He whispers, looking up at the window. "I should be going now. But just remember that we're going to get you out of here." With that, he opens the door and leaves, letting it close shut firmly behind him.

Alone again, as always. Lying down on the cot with my back against the wall, I curl up into a sort of fetal position, staring at the slits of light from the window as they dance across the wall. I succumb to sleep soon, and the nightmares that comes with it.

The bus comes a few hours later, to my surprise. I drag my little shivering 8 year old body into a sitting position. The doors open and the scared bus driver looks down at me.

"Get on girl, hurry." The woman says and I rush as quick as I can to get on the bus and into a seat, just as the bus turns around and leaves the town. As I stare out the window, I see something I never wanted to see.

A man, dressed in black, holding a struggling teenage girl that's about 18 years old. He glances up when the bus passes, but then looks back down. The bus passes by, but I turn around to look out the back window.

The man slits the girls throat, and even from this distance I can see the blood spatter on the cold pavement, before he drags her off into the dark abyss of trees.

I start hyperventilating, and someone wraps their arms around me, trying to comfort me. But all I can see is the image of the blood spraying out and coming to rest on the ground, and the guy dragging the girl off.

Shoving the arms off of me with much more force than I knew I possessed, all I can think about is getting away from any touch or words that could hurt me.

That's when I first quit talking or letting anyone touch me.

Waking up in convulsions seems to be a regular occurrence now. Dragging breaths through my unwilling throat, I concentrate on trying to get up, to get the pill bottle from where it was discarded on the floor.

As soon as I make it to a standing position though, I collapse, and the room spins. Blackness closes in on me for a few seconds, before everything comes back in color and I struggle to reach the pills.

Reaching the long distance, my fingers barely brush the slick orange surface. Coughing now, trying to get a breath to my lungs, to clear the blockage in my chest.

Sharp pains, like someone's stabbing, comes from where my heart is supposed to be, and I press a hand to my chest.

Scooting forward just a few inches, I finally manage to grab the bottle, and this time I'm focusing on actually getting it open. With horribly shaking hands, I finally manage to open it, and get a pill out.

Putting it in my mouth and swallowing quickly, I can only wonder if I was too late, if I was dying, as the darkness overcomes me.

Light. Bright white light is the first thing I see when I open my eyes. Am I in Heaven? Of course not, I don't deserve to go to heaven.

"Ah, I see you're finally awake." The voice comes from somewhere to my left, and I weakly turn my head to look.

The stupid leader person is there, watching me with an unreadable expression.

"My name's Dr. Peters. And you are Lucy. The crazy girl." He walks closer to my line of vision and I glare at him as best as I can.

I don't like being in a weak position when around people, it makes me feel like they can hurt me and I wouldn't be able to do anything.

"I bet you're wondering where you are. You're in the top examining room in this building. You had a bad seizure, you died for a few seconds, but you had gotten your medicine in time." He says calmly.

Good lord why are all these people calm all the freaking time?

"I'm going to let you go now, but you have to promise you won't run away." He looks at me sternly, and I think about it for a minute.

Oral promises won't work for me. So, I'll pretend.

Nodding my head innocently, I wait patiently as he unlocks the straps that were on my wrists and ankles. As soon as he's done, I sit up and swing my legs off of the table, dropping onto the floor.

Running around the table and to the door, I swing it open and dart down the hall, his aggravated yell following after me. Everyone should know that I don't make promises. I can't talk, after all.

Going to the only place I know I'll be safe, I get to blamest office.

"lucy, what's wrong? I heard you had a bad seizure, but they wouldn't let us see you!" Leonard says, coming up to me before Blake or Cole can.

I just walk past him and go to sit on Blake's couch, leaning back against the wall. Looking up at them with tears in my eyes, I frown weakly.

Cole gives me a glass of water and I drink it down in seconds, and it makes me feel better. Blake gets me something to eat, and when he comes back, he takes a seat in front of me.

"You don't like it here do you?" He asks softly, and the expression on my face must have answered him.

"There's not much I can do about you getting out of here. You're still listed as clinically insane. And I can't change that until you talk and allow people to touch you. I've also heard that you...hurt yourself sometimes. Or you lash out at people." He looks at me with a cautious gaze.

"You hospitalized people haven't you Lucy? You've attacked them? Killed?" He whispers. Cole and Leonard look shocked when I look away, down at my hands. I know they take that as a yes, and it's true.

I have hurt people. I've lashed out and thrown things so hard that they break bones. And I've hurt myself. Whether it's going on a hunger strike, or digging my nails into my skin until I bleed so much that I could write my name on the wall in big letters, I've done it.

It's not that I want to do that stuff, it's just an automatic defense mechanism. If someone hurts me, I react by hurting them back. If I think of something I did to hurt someone I loved, or if something happened to make me hate myself, I would hurt myself.

I'm insane. Completely insane. I have no hope, I'm never getting out of this place, never. It's only a matter of time until someone takes the time to dispose of me, or if I do it myself.

This institution is going to be my home for a long, long time.

"Come on, lets get you back to your room." Leonard says in a soft voice and takes me up to my room, not touching me a single time. As he closes the door behind me, I crawl into the corner and rock back and forth, my knees up against my chest.

I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy.

From 'i'm crazy' my thoughts go to:

I'm horrible, I'm horrible, I'm horrible, I'm horrible

Then:

I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer

And finally to:

Why the hell wasn't I killed?

For the next few days, everything is hectic. The doctors are trying to get near me to see what new drugs they can give me, and perform experiments like I'm some lab rat.

But each time Blake, Cole and Leonard save me. Either they take me outside to walk around in the back yard of the institution, that I've never gotten to see before, or I'm locked in Blake's office, having him tell me things that I never wanted to remember. I suppose he thinks this will make me better, make me talk.

Cole will come up to me in the hallway on my way downstairs to eat, and shrink away, Leonard will immediately turn around and walk in the opposite direction. They're afraid of me. Ashamed. And that thought hurts me, it hurts me deeply.

They're supposed to help me, not make me feel worse about myself. So, I've taken to lashing out more. It's obvious that Blake's not going to be able to help me, only I can do that. My life, my choice.

Right now, I'm sitting out side on the grass, carefully watched by the guards of the institution, who are lined up in front of all exits, armed with guns and things like that. I'm ignoring them though, just staring off into the distance and hoping that Blake won't come to find me.

He's been getting really annoying lately, always pressuring me to talk. Blaming me for things, trying to guilt me into opening my mouth and saying things. But each time he tries, I keep my mouth firmly shut, and storm off.

I swear, if he does it again, any time from then on, something bad is going to happen to him.

"Ah, Lucy, there you are!"

Speak of the devil.

"Come with me to my office, it's time for another session." When I don't get up, he reaches a hand out, and I know he'd touch me.

He's been doing that a lot lately too, threatening to touch me. Reaching out so close that if I had jerked reflexively, his hand would come into contact with a part of my skin.

Immediately reacting and standing up, I walk behind him up to his office, where he locks the door and makes me sit on the couch.

"Today we're going to be going over all your punishments that you've received while here." He takes a file from his desk and flips it open.

"You were tied to a metal table and shocked, because you killed a doctor by slamming the door on his head..." The list goes on from there. Being hung up by my wrists because I refused to take my medicine. Held under water 'cause I spit in a doctor's face.

This institution is very brutal and gruesome. Best in the world, but people would only send their kids here if the kid had no hope left. When the session is finally over, I'm allowed to leave. Feeling no better or worse about myself.

Well actually, I feel proud. I'm glad I did all of that. It shows I'm not just one more of those idiotic docile sheep called patients on the regular floors. I'm dangerous, and they know it.

Almost skipping back to my cell, I close myself in and sit on the floor, in the corner.

I hope everyone here knows they aren't going to break me anytime soon...