In Search of Redemption

I said goodbye to Julio. I still needed to stop by the apartment we bought together to prepare the bedroom and the dining room table to surprise him on his birthday. I only had a few hours to put everything in order. I smiled just imagining the surprised face he would make. Even though we had been dating for many years, I had never given myself to him. This would be my first time. We had grown up together and so I believed him when he said that it would also be his first time. I had no reason to doubt. He was always with me. Mom used to joke that we were tight. The wedding was set.

But my family didn't know about it yet. My brother was getting married soon and I didn't want to take away the attention that was being paid to him. But I didn't know how, it felt like I was dreaming. And suddenly I was living another life... seeing another person and being another person too...

He got into the car and watched me while he waited for his sisters to get ready with their shopping in the car. I was leaning against a lamppost, admiring his curly blond hair, while thinking how he looked like an angel. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen? Big green eyes that stared at me with an intense glow... I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seemed that his eyes transmitted a lot of love, they seemed to release sparks of passion. A tenderness took possession of me, making me believe that I had already been in his arms, kissed his fleshy lip and heard promises of eternal love from a husky and sensual voice, I even delighted with this sensation.

We continued to stare at each other for a long time... Until I realized that I was smiling at him, but he wasn't smiling. He just watched. Then I felt that he was saying goodbye... At that moment I was not sad, and continued to smile at him. The goodbye didn't seem to me to be for a long time. Until today I cannot put into words what I felt for him fairly... I don't know... Maybe an eternal emotion... A love that understands absence, that doesn't fall apart with time. And for some reason I knew it was the same he felt for me. But the strangest thing was that I had never seen him before and yet it was as if we had known each other for a long time, as if we could communicate through a simple look... There was something greater, an invisible force that united us even when we were not together. It was as if he knew me and had been accompanying me along all my paths. It was good to imagine that there was someone who rejoiced in my victories and consoled me in my defeats even though I could not see him.

I intuitively knew at that moment that I was dreaming. And along with this certainty a feeling of emptiness and loss. Then with a look I said goodbye and knew that I would meet him again. His eyes promised me that, while my heart insistently warned me that this reunion would not be as good as I wished, and a bad omen oppressed my chest.

And it was with this feeling that I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the sky. It was clear and with many clouds, and the temperature was extremely comforting and pleasant. It took me a while to realize that I was lying on the ground. I got up and absent-mindedly dusted off my clothes and started walking. I wanted to get home soon. I stopped. But...Home? Agony took hold of me. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know where to go and worse; I didn't even know who I was.

I looked around looking for something familiar, a clue to where I was, but nothing! Everything was strange... To my despair I didn't recognize anything! Why was I lying there? Why couldn't I remember? Doubts started going through my head... Was I one of those people who had no home, no family, no roof, and who sleep on park benches and sidewalks, or under bridges? No! Something told me that I did have a home and a family!

But then why couldn't I remember? I heard some voices behind a bush and went to check, maybe I would find the answer there. I opened some space between the bushes and discovered some people walking there quietly. I confess that I was even more lost, because those people who were passing by showed no curiosity about my presence. Either I was invisible or they were too insensitive to realize how lost I was. Everything was so strange there. Everything seemed like a dream. I felt a strange sensation of unreality, everything was so different... Even the trees seemed to bloom in a purposefully perfect way. There was a natural swimming pool where children of various ages played carelessly. One of these children caught my attention the most because he seemed to resemble someone I knew. She had long black hair and was beautiful. For a moment I watched her, but as soon as she noticed my gaze she ran away and disappeared. Then I looked and saw a lady sitting on a stool watching the children play.

I approached the lady, who now more closely surprised me to realize that despite her gray hair, she had a young and beautiful face.

"Please..." I said already at her side and at the same instant she turned around and seemed only at that moment to notice my presence.

"Yes, my child? Sit here by my side." She said kindly and moved aside and gave me room on the bench. I obeyed. I was about to introduce myself, when I remembered that I didn't know my name. This reality brought a wry smile to my lips. So I decided to get to the point.

"Could the lady tell me what city we are in?"

"City?" She seemed confused, so I decided to explain, because she must have thought I was a lunatic. After all, it was rare for someone to not even know the city they were in.

"You don't have to be scared. It's just that... Well, I'm not sure, but I seem to have lost my memory and I can't seem to..."

"No my child." She interrupted me. "I'm not scared, it's just that we're not in a city. Not like you imagine." She said covering with a hug the space we could see.

"No? Then where are we? In a park somewhere? But even if so it would have to be in some city!" I said the last words more to myself.

A gleam of understanding passed in her eyes and then she looked at me with compassion and said in a sad voice;

"So you still don't know..."

And before I could ask what she was talking about, she continued;

"Do you see that brother who is talking to the red-headed girl?"

I followed the direction she was pointing and saw who she was talking about. Why hadn't I noticed them before? The man was a gentleman, also gray-haired, with a frank smile that made me sympathize with him immediately.

"Go to him my child, he will be able to help you."

I thanked him with a smile and getting to my feet, I was grateful to get away from that woman. I didn't like being the target of pity and I also thought she was very crazy.

I walked towards the man, but a doubt accompanied me on my way. That lady referred to him as "brother", could it be that I had been brainwashed? This would explain why I couldn't remember anything... It would also explain that strange place, where the trees were in harmony with the plants, like a perfect scenery... too perfect to be real. Everything seemed to be purposely placed there to deceive and enchant. No one could deny that it was a beautiful setting and that in a way, it was so pleasant that you didn't want to leave it. But this could have been done exactly so that people would have that feeling. Even the ground was grass that looked like a fluffy carpet. And the people were scary. They didn't seem to care about anything around them. My God! Where were you, anyway? I knew that I had to act calmly and control my fears in order not to draw wrong and hasty conclusions.

When I got closer, I realized that the girl talking to him must have been about my age, which was good, because a person who thought like I did could be of great value. I stopped very close, wondering whether or not to interrupt the conversation, and somehow he realized my presence and with a gesture, asked me to wait. I then stood at a certain distance, watching the two of them talk. It was all so strange! I could understand perfectly everything he said to the girl, but I couldn't understand anything she said. It was as if she spoke in another language, but I understood perfectly well what he was saying in his own language.

Suddenly, the girl with her back to me turned around and faced me. And after a while, a few seconds actually, her face changed and she looked at me in a hostile way. Actually, I didn't mind, imagining that she might be jealous, after all I had already received several hostile looks because of my appearance that always attracted the attention of men and inevitably the jealousy of women. I looked away and ended up being distracted by the children jumping in the pool and laughing, looking so happy...

I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and turned around startled. It was the gray-haired gentleman. He smiled gently and I looked around for the girl, but she had disappeared.

"You will meet her again. You have a lot to talk about."

I looked at him in amazement, because deep down I really felt like seeing her again. But it was just a very shy, almost unconscious feeling, and somehow that man managed to catch it.

"Who is she?" I asked before I could even curb my words. What did I care who she was? There were more important things to know!

"Her name is Giovana." He replied as if that explained everything.

"Oh yes..."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, but I had some setbacks with some stubborn brothers, and I couldn't come right away, however now I am at your disposal, come, let's sit down to talk more comfortable.... I've been monitoring you for so long and when you wake up I'm not there..." He said with genuine regret.

"Thank you for your kindness, but if you don't mind I don't want to sit down, I just want to know where I am and how I get out of here."

"Relax you'll get all your questions answered in a moment."

"Who are you anyway? Why do you act like you have some responsibility..."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Antonio, and yes, I am responsible for the brothers who arrive here, to let them know their new condition."

"Very nice to meet you Antonio, if I knew I could tell you my name, but it seems my memory is playing tricks on me, some things I remember and other things I don't, but that's beside the point, I just want to know how to get out of this place."

He looked at me as if he could see deep into my soul.

"I think you'd better sit down. What I have to tell you is something of vital importance and you'd better sit down."

I began to despair and become afraid. Why didn't he tell me right away what that seat was? Why so much suspense for such a simple question?

"Look, I don't want to sit down! I just want to get out of here! I guess I was mistaken in thinking you could help me..."

"Really, if you don't sit down and calm down it will be impossible to help you. How can you understand or believe what I have to tell you if you are so impatient? Then you will never see the truth that surrounds you and your new condition and your real state..."

I tried to read in his eyes the meaning of what he had just said. Her words sounded so senseless or even unfocused to me... but what I saw and felt was an infinite goodness that emanated from her entire being, it was so natural that it was almost palpable. Without another word I decided to sit down, and he followed me silently. It seemed, or I felt, I don't know for sure, that he was sad, that he felt a lot of compassion for me, but how could he if he didn't even know me? Did he know nothing about my life? Or did he? I remembered something he said, and I became uneasy with those words.

"What did he mean by new condition and actual state? Am I sick by any chance?"

He stared at me for a few seconds, then turned his face and stared at some point, before answering very seriously;

"No. You are not sick. In fact, you will never get sick again. At least not while you are here."

I was surprised by that answer. This was a first! I couldn't help laughing until my eyes filled with tears. When I managed to stop myself, I accepted the handkerchief he kindly offered, surprising myself again that he didn't seem offended by my outburst of laughter.

"What about those children? Don't you think it's dangerous that they are having fun in a pool, with no one to watch and protect them? They could drown!" I said, prioritizing the safety of the children.

"They are not in any danger. Just like you, nothing can hurt them here."

"What are you trying to convince me of?" I asked, staring at him indignantly, feeling a new anger rising inside me.

"You don't need to be convinced of anything.... You are already aware of what happened to you.... You just need to accept it... Actually being scared is normal and understandable. Everyone tries to escape in a different way..."

"I don't know anything! Why don't you try to be clearer?"

"The truth girl is in front of you, why don't you try to accept and resign yourself to what can't be changed?"

I got serious. What was he talking about?

"Who am I?" My lips moved before I could stop them from formulating such a question. It was like a thought nagging at me that instead of passing through my brain first to be evaluated and processed logically, it went straight through, bypassing all the bureaucracies and came out in my voice.

He smiled understandingly and only then did I understand that it was better not to hear it from him. And it was then that that girl, who had looked at me in a hostile way, reappeared out of nowhere and I watched her as she approached. She was really very beautiful, with her long red hair and big green eyes. Eyes that carried a wild and defiant glow. I felt like I knew her from somewhere.

Antonio stood up and introduced us, but she ignored my outstretched hand. I looked at Antonio with a totally clumsy expression and he just said he was sorry. She had looked at me with such contempt and then turned her back to me and returned to Antonio talking to him as if begging him for something. I didn't know why, but that disregard hurt me deeply. I felt guilty, but I didn't know what for or why. My eyes filled with tears of indeterminate guilt. I shook my head and began to seriously consider the possibility that I was crazy. And there could be a mental hospital. How could a girl I had never seen before arouse such feelings of guilt? And after all, why so much resentment? At first I thought it was because of my appearance, but it made no sense. She is beautiful! There was no reason for all that contempt... Unless, of course, we really were in an insane asylum. And when she finally said goodbye to Antonio, she gave me a look full of hatred and resentment. I confess that I was impressed and even flinched at the intensity and strength that emanated from his entire being. It's incredible, but for a moment I even forgot about my problems and watching her walk away I couldn't help but ask Antonio.

"Why does she hate me so much anyway?"

"She doesn't hate you. Even though it's a different truth than yours, she just like you, refuses to accept inevitable facts."

"I can't understand you. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and you speak as if it is purposeful my ignorance of what is occurring."

He opened his mouth to answer me, but stopped himself as he spotted something.

"Look! There is the answer to your questions."

I followed with my gaze where he was pointing, but saw nothing but someone approaching. I still didn't understand. Who could it be?

However, as he approached, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. My eyes filled with tears and I ran towards him, I didn't need to see anymore to know who it was, my heart was screaming inside; my father! It was my father! And suddenly, in one of those inopportune moments of lucidity, I stopped. I must have really been crazy. My father had been dead for years. How could I be there? I went to his funeral myself. I shed tears over his coffin. Then a flash of confused memories flashed through my mind, but I chased them away with the arrival of my beloved father. The emotion was too great to think of conjectures at that point. If I was delirious or crazy or dreaming that was! I wanted to stay like this forever. I reached out to him and threw myself into his arms and was greeted with a strong hug and the same intensity of feeling. I could feel it. It was so real! I pulled away a little, just enough to see his beloved face. Serene, with a little bit of severity. The hair turning gray on the sides... He seemed to have stopped in time, he hadn't changed at all. But when I looked into his eyes... They were sad! He even tried to disguise it, but it was too late. I had already realized.

"Father?"

"Yes, my child."

"Why are you sad? Weren't you happy to see me?"

"It is nothing of the sort, my child.... Of course I'm glad to see you again! It's just that... You are still so young..."

"I don't understand. Why do you say that?"

Papa didn't answer and looked confused at Antonio.

"Nothing. I'm sorry I was late, but the moment Geisa told me she had woken up, I was in an emergency, but I came as soon as I could."

Only then did I notice the presence of the girl accompanying him. Geisa was a beautiful girl with gray eyes and black hair. I remembered seeing her together with the children playing in the pool. Now she was there, leaning between daddy's legs, also watching me, like a shy child. She reminded me of someone... But who? I turned my gaze to Dad and the comparison was inevitable. The same hair, the same eyes, the same complexion. Of course! Geisa is my little sister! But... My God, what was happening? How could she be there if she had died years ago?

It was only then that I suddenly remembered everything, my whole life. My story was playing out before me like in a movie where I was the spectator? My childhood... My brothers... My parents... My fiancé... My mother calling our attention not to play in the rain, the rush to get ready to go to school, the happiness for the birth of the newest member of the family; Geisa, and the despair years later with her death, because of a stupid pneumonia... My older brother's wedding... My dreams, disappointments, joys, doubts common to teenagers...

Claudio! My older brother's name is Claudio. Then Emerson, three years younger than Claudio and two years older than me... Oh yes, now I remember, I'm Elizabeth. I remembered my fiancé and my eyes that were already watering let a tear fall. He was my first love, my first boyfriend. It was sharing with him that I experienced my first doubts, my first certainties, joys, disappointments and the first thrill of a hidden courtship. He was the first and only one. At that time I believed that I would never love another man. Julio... How I miss him... He went from a loving boyfriend to a dedicated fiancé. We were going to get married and never fought. We had a perfect and unique relationship... And today, thinking about all that I have been through I realized something that before had gone unnoticed, Julio was always with me. In the best and worst moments. In my graduation, in the parties, in Claudio's wedding, in the big and difficult decisions, in Geisa's funeral and years later, in Dad's as well. They were irreparable losses for the whole family. Mom almost went along... But the years went by and the pain turned into longing. Suffering was no longer the predominant characteristic in the family. Although we never accepted it, we resigned ourselves... I saw Mom's despair when I traded the car I got when I turned eighteen for a motorcycle. It was a dream I had had since I was a little girl; a motorcycle! And I had the support of my brothers... I saw the truck coming disorderly, and my vain attempt to dodge it, then the huge noise of the crash and being thrown into a huge ravine by the impact of the crash. I felt an indescribable pain. I remember hearing voices beside me and being removed, then I felt anesthetized and without the pain, I fell into a deep sleep and woke up in that place.

As if out of a trance, I woke up and then looked at everyone around me; Antonio, Dad, Geisa... I then understood what had happened and the tears welled up and wet my face endlessly.

"You mean then that's it? Have I died? Am I dead?"

They looked at each other in pity at my pain, and perhaps for this reason did not answer. They remained silent. But I didn't need to. The presence of Dad and Geisa was in itself a confirmation of the unspoken words. Without thinking about anything else I ran away. I needed to hide, or maybe even get out of this nightmare. I didn't want it to be true. I started to pray that I would wake up in my house, in my bed, in my room. I ran as fast as I could without looking back. In fact, I didn't even look ahead. The tears blurred my vision... How could I know where to go? I eventually collapsed from exhaustion. And that's how I stayed. Lying face down on the fluffy grass. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to die. Not yet... I couldn't be dead. I still had many plans for the future... Projects I started and didn't finish... Deadlines and trips with days to go... I couldn't stay there. It was impossible to accept that I would never see the people I loved again. It was ironic! Pure irony to think that after having mourned my loved ones, I was now mourning my own death...Ah Mom... My chest hurt just thinking how much I must have been suffering... Another loss... I could imagine her pain... If only I had listened to her instead of following my impulses But... Would it change anything? Was it really my time? Could nothing I did change this fatality? Was it my destiny? Calmer now, I sat down on the floor and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. How would my fiancé be without me? What about my mother? She couldn't bear to go through all this suffering again. What about my brothers?

My God! My sister-in-law was about to give birth and would not even meet my nephew... And Emerson was about to introduce his girlfriend to his family and I would not be there to share his happiness... Suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe it was not the end! There was still some hope... Maybe I could come back... But of course! When I was alive, I never believed in life after death, but now that I know the truth maybe the other theory was also true... The reincarnation theory! But on second thought it wouldn't work. The reality was disheartening. The chances were slim and I eventually dismissed the idea. Even if it were possible to return, I would never get to see them, who knows in which family I would be born? I wouldn't recognize them. And my fiancé would be too old by the time he finally reached adulthood and certainly married. I came to the conclusion that death is really the end. End of the past, end of dreams, end of hope for the future, end of sharing the tastes and sorrows of life. I lost everything! The people I love, my past, my future, my projects... Everything was left behind. It is horrible not to be able to take control of life. I used to think that when a loved one left for another world, the loss was greater for the family than for the one who was gone, because he would no longer feel pain, cold, or homesickness... How wrong I was. Now I know that the person who leaves loses much more. Those who are still there, despite the eternal feeling that someone is missing, have only lost a loved one. But life goes on and you can find solace in other things and other people... But who dies will find solace where? If they lost everything and everyone at once?

I would give anything to see them again... And say everything I always thought they knew and that's why I kept quiet. That I loved them! To hug Mom and tell her not to cry anymore, that death was just a passage and that when her time came I would be waiting for her... If I had known what was going to happen to me, I would have said goodbye... But because I was young, I thought I still had plenty of time. My youth deceived me.

"Don't torment yourself so much, dear... You'll see them all again.

Hearing my father's voice, I raised my head and there were Dad and Antonio. I didn't see Geisa and I wasn't surprised that they found me.

"How?"

"Not yet. First you need to rest, besides you are very confused and need to learn and understand some things." Antonio said as he helped me up.

"How did you know what you were thinking? How did you know you wanted to see my family again? Or was it a hunch? Or coincidence?" I asked as I accepted the hand he held out to me and stood up.

"There are no coincidences, only inevitable facts that always mean something. And answering your question; we knew what you were thinking because we read your thoughts."

"And how do you do that?"

My father offered me his arm and we started walking, while he answered me;

"Maybe you can do it too, but first you will have to be aware and accepting of your new condition. That is the first step. Things here, we are learning slowly, we are like newborns, learning almost without realizing it."

"Maybe I can adapt..."

"It will. Faster than you can imagine."

"Father, have you never felt that you left us? We have suffered your loss so much... And you seem so happy here.

"Actually, I have suffered a lot." He replied seriously. "I felt every wail, every pain and weeping of my family, and I confess that it all hurt my soul. It was a real torture not to be able to go back and console everyone, saying that everything was fine.... But as time went by I got used to it. I came to terms with it, finding compensations...".

"I will never come to terms with dying so soon. I had a whole perspective of a happy life ahead of me, like getting married, having children, having a normal life, full of small joys and occasional problems of everyday life. Those dreams were interrupted. I feel as if my whole life was violently stolen from me. No. I can't come to terms with it, and I don't believe there is anything that can make up for this loss."

"It really isn't easy for anyone. In the beginning it is even natural to think this way, but then we discover and understand that the death of the body does not mean the end, but the beginning of a new life. It's just a matter of time for you to accept that."

"Time! At least this is no longer an illusion, I have all the time in the world to digest that I have died." I said wryly.

Antonio walked over and hugged me.

"There is something you need to know.... And I'm sorry you have to know for me, but... I wouldn't be happy like you imagine. You would be very sick, Liza. Anyway it was better this way. The Great Divine Master spared you a great deal of pain."

"What are you talking about?" I asked puzzled, disengaging myself from the embrace. "After all, she was a healthy young woman. You weren't in any pain at all, and you hardly ever caught a cold."

"No. You weren't. You had cancer. You would find out sooner than you realize now."

The fears those words brought to me left me speechless. I no longer wanted to know what my life would be if I stayed there. Not from Antonio's perspective. He was kind, but he was also very fatalistic. I myself had seen people get cured of cancer. It was no longer a death sentence. If I had found out while I was alive, I would fight to stay with my family.

We continued walking and the beauty of the place, which I was now paying more attention to, made me forget the evil that I believed was afflicting me. We walked along a road lined with grass and flanked by pleasantly scented trees, where the flowers competed in equality of beauty. This path led us to an imposing mansion. It was all golden, the color of the sun, and there were endless windows facing the landscape. I had never seen something so big and so beautiful.

"This is like a kind of hospital. You will stay here for a while, so that you can recover and be ready to learn and enjoy the wonders of this place. Now I will leave you in the care of Antonio, he will accompany you." My father said looking in wonder at the mansion. It was as if he was seeing it for the first time. But his words caused my moment of contemplation to lose its luster, and I stared at him sadly and held his arm as I saw that he was walking away.

"Don't leave me..." I begged. But deep down I knew I should let him go. I didn't have strong enough arguments to get him to spend more time with me.

"I'm sorry, Lisa. But I need to help some brothers, I can feel their call, and that is my task here. Maybe you will have yours too once you recover.... I promise to come visit you as soon as I can."

"I don't want a task. I want us to be together. Haven't you already kept us apart for too long? Haven't I suffered enough of your absence?" I knew I was being childish and blackmailing, but I couldn't help it.

"Soon you won't even remember me or any other relatives you had in life on earth anymore. But I promise you that as long as you are here, we will always be together. As long as it takes." He said and kissing on my forehead, he left. As I watched him walk away I felt that we would see very little of each other despite what he had just said. I never valued words, preferring to observe attitudes.

Antonio held my arm and together we entered the large hall of the mansion. Looking around, apart from the size, everything was like a luxury hotel reception. The same people coming and going, the same buzz, porters taking and bringing bags, a restaurant with couples chatting, while the discreet waiter waited on the table. We approached the reception desk and the boy on the other side immediately picked up a binder looking bored.

"Name?" he asked with an air of weariness as if he did that many times a day.

"Elizabeth." I replied omitting the last name on purpose. Showing him that I didn't approve of his indifferent attitude.

He still kept his pen on the paper for a while, as if expecting me to continue. When I didn't continue, he raised his head with a smile on his lips. Only then did I realize how beautiful he was... He had black hair and eyes and dark skin that contrasted with his smile with its very white teeth, thus increasing his charm. It ended up that that beauty left me disconsolate.

"Sorry, I always joke like this with newcomers. It's a way to relax and have fun... And not everyone takes the attitude you did. Some jump up here on the other side of the counter to hit me." He said smiling happily.

"I didn't like the 'joke' and I can't believe you think that's funny..."

"It must be because you have no sense of humor." He said and fell into laughter.

That attitude of his made me puzzled.

"I think you're working too hard. Why don't you take a vacation?"

"Vacation?!" He repeated and started laughing even harder, and the worst part is that Antonio this time followed him. When they managed to calm down from their hysteria, they both looked at each other, sad and serious. Then I understood. Everyone there has a feeling of emptiness. Everyone is waiting for something bigger in their lives. Well... I was not the only one. Not that knowing that was any consolation to me.

"I'm Marcos." He introduced himself. "And I want you to know that it's a pleasure to meet you.

"Thank you. It was also a pleasure to meet you, Marcos."

"Would you prefer to have your chart filled out in the bedroom? You look very tired..."

"If it's not too much work, I'd prefer yes, please."

"It's no trouble at all. Even because, I will ask your doctor to fill it out."

"Why the use of bureaucracy here?"

"Because we have become accustomed to it. It would be very difficult to adapt here, if it were not for the equivalence of the various worlds we have passed through. Few would be able to accept the new situation. So you keep that balance, until the person gets used to it and understands that they can be happy on a new plane." He said and became thoughtful. "But it's interesting to see a person looking for data from other times they've come through here.... Myself, that's what I did, as soon as I got the chance..."

"But why get used to it if you're all going to be reincarnated? It shouldn't be a place of long waits here.... At least that's what I imagine."

"Not everyone will leave here for a new world, but you are right about one thing. No one can stay here for long seasons..." He said and turned to Antonio. "Antonio, would you please escort Lisa to her room?" Marco asked handing Antonio the keys. I don't know if it was something I said, but he suddenly seemed too rushed to see me away.

"Sure. E... Is he here yet?"

"Yes. I'll send her chart to him, since he should be waiting by now."

"Yes. Shall we go, Lisa?"

"Let's go."

As we walked along my curiosity grew and I couldn't help but inquire Antonio.

"Antonio, tell me who is "he"?"

"He who?" Antonio looked confused for a moment, but I noticed the glow of understanding soon after. "Oh yes! We were talking about your doctor."

"Is that really all? I mean... I had the feeling there was something hidden..."

"I admire your insight." He said with a surprised air. "But I'm not allowed to talk about that subject. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find out on your own."

"That's fine. It's probably nothing important anyway..."

He didn't answer and we continued walking. We walked through several hallways and doors, until we came to one number four. Then another session of hallways and doors, until we found the door that had my name on a blue plaque. When we entered the room, I forgot about Antonio's presence, because I was so surprised. It seemed as if I was in my own room in the earthly home. I went to the window and was pleased to know that I had a view of the front of the mansion. Then I took a closer look at the room that consisted of a dressing table, a nightstand, a closet, and I was happy to open it and see all my clothes and even a doll that I kept from the many I had. And my clothes were folded in my own way. How was this possible? The only difference, I only now realized, was a door on the side of the closet. Curious, I went to see what it was about and was surprised to discover a fabulous bathroom, it even had a bathtub! And it was already full, so I went closer to feel the temperature of the water...

"I hope it's to your liking."

I was so startled to hear this voice that I almost fell into the tub, I didn't like the feeling of being caught in fragrance as if I was doing something wrong. The owner of the voice was a man all dressed in white, who was standing with his arms crossed, leaning on the doorway. I wondered how long he had been watching me. I looked around for Antonio, remembering him for the first time since I entered the room. I didn't like the interruption of that man. I don't know what expression my face had, for I was lost in thought. And besides, it was unsettling that someone had come so close to me without me realizing it. I felt that I was getting angry with this situation, and the strangest thing was that I also knew that there was no reason for it.

"Antonio went to take care of other newly awakened people." He said in a sweet voice. Which made me think I had talked to him before, however, I would never forget if I had actually seen him before. His presence seemed to fill the room and complete what was missing inside me. And that displeased me. It was insane, but I didn't like it. I was about to ask him how he knew what I was thinking, when I remembered in time where I was.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Gabriel."

"The angel?!" I asked in amazement. Could I be talking to an angel? With those blond, curly hair and those unparalleled, and expressive green eyes! Perfect skin, perfect mouth... But... No, he was not an angel. He couldn't be with that devilish smile adorning his lips. He was beautiful. Very beautiful. And he emanated a lot of determination, but not for good. I felt a lot of persuasive energy and even some strong negative feelings coming from him, how could negative feelings coexist there? After all, is this a place of good people? Maybe I was just confused. It was better not to rush to judgments of character. For a second, that impression that I had seen him before, or that he reminded me of someone, wouldn't leave me... I shook my head to scare the thoughts away. I was so tired that I was already imagining things. If I had really seen him before, I was sure I would remember, as had been made clear in my thoughts. That feeling was unfounded.

"Are you done with the inspection?" He inquired between amused, cocky, and impatient.

At his remark, I opened my mouth indignantly to protest, when I then realized that I really hadn't taken my eyes off him since he arrived. I felt dislike for him, not because of anything he said, but because of our habit of blaming others for our own indiscretion. Of course, at that moment, I didn't think so.

"I am your doctor and not an angel as you just suggested..." He said with a sarcastic smile.

"No. Of course not. But without wanting to be rude, I don't need you right now. Especially someone so ... Arrogant. And besides I'm not sick, but I might end up getting sick if I keep looking at your face." I returned in the same sarcastic tone. Despite the antipathy, I was pleased to be able to provoke him. It was also news to me, but he didn't seem surprised by my audacity.

"If you didn't need me, I can assure you that I would gladly dismiss you, but unfortunately for you, here, it's me who decides whether you need me or not. And please get in that tub right away and take a bath!"

"Have you gone mad? Get out of here!"

"You don't have the authority to dismiss me, young lady. Besides, you look exhausted, I thought a bath was a good idea. And as your doctor, I recommend that you allow me to help.

"I am exhausted yes, but I don't need your help you...Cretin!"

He laughed.

"Easy, I just wanted to help, and not the way you're thinking. After all you are as dirty as your thoughts..." He said making a disgusted face.

That comment drove me crazy! It shouldn't be that bad... I ran to the mirror in the closet and was horrified at my appearance. My hair, always so well groomed, looked like a rat's nest, my face was all dirty and smudged, and my eyes, which had always been my pride because they were a different color of gray, looked like a polluted river. My clothes were all torn and dirty.... But of course it was! After all, I had an accident! I went back to the door, from which he had not come out, and standing right in front of him, I lifted my head to face him (he was very tall), and stared at him defiantly. He seemed to be having a great time with it all. I was too, until he referred to my appearance. A voice in my head insisted that I was challenging someone special. But I decided to ignore it.

I raised my voice unconsciously when I went to talk to him again. He was still standing in the doorway, but facing the room now, finding it funny. The glint in his eyes was unmistakable. I didn't even realize I had walked past him, how upset he had made me.

"Look here, I've just been in an automobile accident and died! How did you expect me to look? Clean and with my hair brushed?"

"I confess that wouldn't be a bad idea..."

"Ah... But of course! On the day of her death, I bet she took a shower, got dressed in her best clothes, lay in bed, picked up a newspaper and read while waiting for death to come..." I ironized.

"You talk as if you died today..."

"And didn't you? I backed away confused by taking a step back."

For a moment, I saw a shadow of compassion pass across his eyes, but it was only for a second. It was so quick I think it was even my imagination.

"You've been here a little over a month, according to earthly home time." He reported impersonally, but I felt a hint of malevolent satisfaction, but that wasn't what surprised me the most...

"But, it can't be! The accident was yesterday... I just woke up and you're just trying to make me confused." "And what would I get out of it? I thought you already knew..." He said frowning thoughtfully.

"They wouldn't leave me on that floor, in time, for all that time."

He looked at me impatiently. The humor almost completely disappearing from his eyes.

"If you slept, on that floor for almost forty-five days it's because it wasn't that bad! And it was you yourself who didn't allow us to remove it. We try to help people, but we can't force anyone to accept our help!"

"You mean I stayed that long.... God! Everyone passing by and looking at me with contempt, believing me to be a beggar! That's why nobody thought my presence there was strange. They were used to seeing me on the floor.

He rolled his eyes.

"How pretentious you are... Do you really think that anyone here, would waste time in thinking anything about you? Besides, despite the resemblance, we are not in the earthly home. Here we don't have society demanding absurd behavior from us! You are absolutely not bound by the rules of the society you once knew. That's over. It's behind you."

I looked up and saw that his countenance was now professional looking. He was speaking like a professor.

"How could you be so rude and insensitive? If you were asleep, how could you be aware that you were not accepting help?" I asked teasingly. Actually, he hadn't been rude, he just hadn't flowered his words. Which I even preferred. He was sincere and that on earth was known as rudeness.

"Of course he had a conscience! He was just hiding from the truth. I didn't want to get out of there, because I was still hoping that it was all just a bad dream and I would wake up in your house, in your warm bed. You are a fool! But you are not the only one. Many do that. I did it myself, although it didn't take me as long as you to wake up, because I wasn't in a nice place that allowed me to have my time of acceptance... So you thought you could escape your destiny..."

"So that was my destiny? Nothing could change..." I asked, but his words that stuck in my mind, were the ones he said that he had not awakened in a pleasant place. I just couldn't bring myself to question him about it. It struck me as something very personal of his.

"No, your fate was much worse.... I even think he deserved it, but these are the Divine Master's designs, and his will should not be challenged."

"What are you talking about?"

"You have developed a disease..."

"Cancer. Antonio told me about it. But it wasn't that I wanted to know. It was why he thought I deserved that fate."

"We all deserve the fate reserved for us. And you are not a special person so that you got away with it."

"The fate that awaited me was better than death. I could have treated myself and survived. We are agreeing on something now. I would also rather have faced my fate."

"Then you should know that you should thank the Lord, for sparing your mother from descending into the hot sky. Your arrival here, ensured that she would not end up there in a few months..."

"What does my mother have to do with this? And what does Hot Sky mean?"

"So you don't know yet? It was not on her own merits that she escaped that suffering, but on those of her mother. The burden would be too heavy for her, for with all her selfishness she would torment her, throwing all the blame for her illness on her back, and she not being able to bear to see her suffering anymore and really believing she was to blame, would take her own life, so that her accuser would be happier, thinking that at least she survived the one responsible for her evil. And as for Hot Sky... We'll talk about that another time."

I kept listening as if he was telling someone else's story. I should ignore him and that was obvious, for I realized that he didn't like me, for he loved my mother very much and would never do such a thing. He didn't sound aggressive, but his words had the tone of someone who wants to hurt To hurt.

"You don't seem very happy with this change of plans..." I decided to tease just to see his beautiful green eyes spit sparks.

"I really wasn't. But not for your mother. For you. I happened to read your chart and was upset that we had to see you here."

I stared at him curiously, and as I looked at him my good mood began to return. I wondered what was in my chart that was so serious? I confess that I could not think of anything I had done to offend anyone. On the contrary. I was always friendly to everyone, without worrying about social status, which was very common on Earth. People were judged by what they had. Social position was fundamental to decide the kind of treatment they would give...

"I don't understand how I could have mistaken you for an angel... You have more characteristics of the... By the way, who did you bribe to be here?"

He let out a laugh. And it sounded like the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I was glad he fell for my teasing.

"You know you have an admirable sense of humor?"

"Not everyone thinks so."

"I can imagine. You don't seem like the kind of laid-back girl who enjoys herself with friends."

"Compliment?"

"Could be. But it can also be... Critical."

"It's not flattering at all."

"I really didn't mean it to be."

"How cruel..."

"What a sensitive little girl..."

For some reason, unknown to me, that man attracted me, even when he was trying to be rude, he was charismatic.

"I'm no little girl. I'm a woman."

He stared at me with a look of undisguised desire.

"I believe you are, but I wouldn't mind if you proved that to me."

I took a deep breath.

"Look, as you made a point of reminding me yourself, I'm in real need of a bath. And besides, I'm exhausted and in no mood to continue listening to your nonsense. So why don't you try being a good boy and get out of here?" I said, imitating his tone, but really wishing I could be alone.

"I wish I could, but I can't."

"And why not?"

"I told you, I've been assigned to take care of you. Until you recover, you are my patient and you will have to put up with me."

"Oh my God! This is a punishment, a torture! Am I in heaven or hell after all?" It was a question meant to be amusing, but he acted serious, getting that professor look again.

"Neither."

"Then it's purgatory. Of course! I'm going through purgatory."

"Not at all. Your life on earth, was rather a phase of atonement, to complete a cycle. Now you are in the progression phase. It is time to weigh the pros and cons of a possible return. This is where you will learn to know yourself and prepare to change phase. You can progress or regress, or even stay as you are, it's up to you. E... There is no purgatory."

"If it were really up to me, I would go back to my body and continue my life. But since I can't, at the moment I'd like to be alone. Would you please leave now?"

"If you're really sure you don't need some help..."

"I wonder if you still don't understand that I need to take a shower, change my clothes, rest.... Things I can do perfectly well on my own, without your help and your audience?"

"Do you really think you can hide something from me? Your modesty, wouldn't stop me from seeing you if I wanted to, which is not the case, through those rags you call clothes..."

"Why do you assault me? What have I done to deserve your resentment?" Now I thought he had gone too far in the word game we were in.

He still stood watching me for some time before he seemed to make up his mind and turned away.

"I am not your enemy. On the contrary. You may think so sometimes, but everything I do is for your good. What I say... You seem to make me act irrationally. I'll leave so you can take your bath, but I'll be back as soon as you're done."

"No need. I'll call you if I need you."

"I am not your servant, young lady! I have already decided that I will stay here as long as I stay here!"

"Which I hope, won't be too long!"

"You bet it will be!"

He said arrogantly and left. Without wasting any time, I took off my clothes and got into the tub. Even exhausted, I wondered why he didn't like me. I couldn't understand Gabriel's attitudes. I kept thinking like this, until I began to relax and forgot everything. I stayed in the shower for a long time, I can't even tell you how long, but it must have been hours, and the most amazing thing was that the water was the same pleasant temperature as when I entered. I got out decided and chose some clothes, trying to understand why I still had the same needs as when I was on the ground, brushed my hair and teeth, and looked at the bed with the intention of lying down for a while, when I saw a tray on the nightstand beside the bed. On it was a great looking soup and an orange-colored juice. I sat up in bed and ate it all, surprising myself with the unmatched taste of the food and the fact that I only realized I was hungry after emptying the tray. I lay down with the intention of resting for a while and then going out to look for someone who could clarify my doubts, but I ended up falling asleep.

As soon as I woke up stretching, I sat up hoping that it had all been a dream proving to myself that Gabriel was right about what I wanted, and was disappointed to realize that it was not my room. Very similar, but definitely not. When I went to put my feet on the floor, I stepped on something soft and recoiled in fright. I went to see what it was and there lying there was a man. My first thought was what is he doing here? On the other hand, I couldn't stop admiring him. He had beautiful legs, thick and with golden hair. He was wearing only his underwear! I smiled as I saw this. How could I be attracted to him even after I was dead? And the only man I ever wanted in my life was no longer in the same world as me... So that question persisted. Why was he attracting me? Even more so with a simple sight? I kept looking at her breasts, getting more and more excited... I jumped, scared and ashamed. It was Gabriel! He was leaning his head on his arms, watching me with that evil smile on his lips. And what was worse, his gaze was cynical and overbearing. There was no doubt about it. He recognized my look of admiration. I don't know how I felt the attraction. I don't even like blondes!

"So, did you like what you saw?" he asked, already getting to his feet.

"What are you doing here in my room with no clothes on?"

"Without clothes? But what are you talking about?" He seemed genuinely genuine in his surprise.

I looked again and saw that he really was dressed. And he stared at me impatiently. But the amusement still shone stronger in his eyes. And he tried to cover it up as if it was some kind of humiliation for him. He seemed to want to feel what was coming out of his mouth.

"I know what happened. You're still mixing your other life with this one and you end up confusing things."

"What does one thing have to do with another? What you said doesn't make any sense."

"Oras, when you were still in the earthly home, if you woke up with a man in your room, how would you expect to find him?"

"What! How dare you insinuate..."

"Don't play innocent. Just because your flesh has died, doesn't mean you have no desires."

"How pretentious and arrogant you are! You mean I wished to see you without clothes, so I did?"

"Exactly, almost that."

"But I didn't wish for any of that! In fact, I keep wishing I wouldn't see you anymore."

"Oh, you don't?"

"Of course not! And for your knowledge, I don't even like laurels. And also for your information, I wasn't even thinking of you when I believed you were naked..." I finished the sentence turning red. I remembered that a friend once told me that she saw a beautiful man once and didn't think about him again, but at night she dreamed that the stranger came into her room and the two of them had sex in a crazy way. She said that even though she didn't know it, the man had been stored in her subconscious, because he had a strong presence. Surely Gabriel was a man of strong presence and could have infiltrated my subconscious. But I would never admit this to him.

"That's not what it looked like..." He said oblivious to my thoughts.

"Look here, how could I wish to see you without clothes on, if I didn't even know you were here?"

"My heart, don't you understand yet that, even unconscious, you feel when someone is on your side? Not just next door, but miles away. For example, you haven't felt the vibrations of your loved ones yet, because you are not very connected to them."

"You're wrong again! I've always been very connected to my family."

"I know that. But it's just that right now you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself."

"But you are very..."

"That's enough! I don't want to delve into any subject right now! Even because your selfishness may be working in your favor. It's not good to feel the vibrations of loved ones? They weaken us and take away our focus..." He said and took a binder from a briefcase and sat on the edge of the bed. "I need to do your file, I should have done it a long time ago, but you are such a sleepyhead..."

"How long did I sleep?"

"You shouldn't think about time here."

"Please?"

"On the clock I was used to, about twelve hours."

"Twelve hours? And you talk as if it were only a few minutes."

"Think about what you just said. Wasn't it just a few minutes for you anyway?"

"You're right." I admitted. Time there was insignificant.

"Good. Let's get started on this bureaucracy nonsense." He said rolling his eyes. By the looks of it we thought alike about some things. Full name?

"Elizabete Pamplona da Costa."

He stopped and stared at me, as if confused.

"Liza?" He asked squeezing his eyes shut, as if that way he could see me straight and suddenly it seemed like he was seeing a different person before him. As if he had seen me before, but not as the girl he had met measuring the water temperature.

"Only my friends call me that, which is not the case with you." I said arrogantly to understand what had changed, but he didn't seem to hear, continuing to look at me as if only now he really saw me.

"But how is that possible? Now there are no more doubts left..." He said softly, as if he were speaking to himself. I wondered if it had something to do with me. I wanted to ask, but something told me that this was not the time. "I watched... I wonder if the little time I was distracted by other patients she grew up and..." He said awkwardly and looked at me, "She's twenty-four?"

"Yes... How do you know?"

"Didn't you notice the number next to your name on the door?"

"You mean each number represents an age?"

"That."

"So, Elisabeth, at twenty-four years old, there's only me?"

"Of course not."

"But I only saw..."

"Because you haven't walked all over the hospital."

"That's true..."

We started talking about that hospital and I found out a lot of things. One of them, perhaps the most important, was that I was privileged to be there, because many spirits used to wander the earth, and they felt hunger, cold, and a lot of pain. Gabriel closed the subject and after examining me, left without saying anything, but before I could blink he was back, with a tray in his hand, and placed it unceremoniously on my lap. The tray contained cookies, juice, and Jell-O.

I thought I had misjudged him, but he really had changed. He was more thoughtful. The sparkle of amusement in his eyes had faded, and he didn't seem to know how to act with me anymore. I felt as if I had lost an important part of him, although I still felt a great connection with him. It was growing by the minute. I wondered if he also felt the same way. If he could see that there was an invisible line that connected us, or if it was all a product of my mind. I couldn't fall in love with him, but it was bound to happen if we kept talking like that. We had been flirting with each other from the moment we saw each other.

"Eat." He said and went to the window. His words roused me from my thoughts and I ate everything in record time and deposited the tray on the nightstand.

"How did you die?" I asked to get a conversation going, but starting to get interested in the story behind the man.

He ducked his head. Something was bothering him, and a lot of it. But his attitude piqued my curiosity.

"You haven't answered yet..."

"Maybe because it's not your problem!" He spoke irritated.

"Why so much mystery? Some dramatic story?"

"You're not ready to know yet." He said heading for the door with strides, but I jumped off the bed and held him by the arm before he could leave.

"Wait, did I have something to do with your... Death?"

He stared at me with ice-cold eyes, but gently removed my hand.

"Don't remind me of the force that moves me!" I said in an irritated voice, and between my teeth.

"I need to know! Was it something I did?" I wanted the Gabriel I knew back, and my eyes filled with tears. Had I lost him too?

"Don't push that subject any further!" He said and walked out slamming the door.

His last words made me sure that something had changed inside him. And I was willing to change that. He was already too valuable to me. That play on words triggered an avalanche of feelings inside me.