I'm Right Where You Left Me

That familiar sensation again. I always feel that painful sensation coming from my nape down to my back and spinal cord whenever I am so so down. I don't know what that means but one thing is for sure, I always feel that sensation whenever I can't have something I really really want to have. And, that is just so frustrating for me.

The things that I want, were the things many young adult like me dreams to have right now. First, a decent job. A stable one on that matter. One that can pay our house's bills, my parents loans and my long desired merches from my favorite international artists.

Second to that, appreciation from all the people I treasure the most. Lastly, someone who will make my heart races in the most unexpected way and in the most unexpected scenario. Inshort, love life. And not just anyone, but the one whose God really made just for me. To be my lifetime partner.

And out of all the things that I have said, I definitely don't have any of it. I don't know if I am just unlucky or what. Back then, I always thought, I just have to finish studying in college, and that's it. I will have a decent job afterwards, I will earn lots of money and I can finally pay all the sacrifices my parents had to do for me.

But, I was wrong. So so wrong. I have come to realize that it's not that easy. Just because you want something so badly, it will come to you, effortlessly. No, it's definitely not the case. And what if you're also not a good person, then case closed. God is not that generous to people that is so disrespectful. Like me, I suppose.

Is it bad to wish for all of my sufferings to end? All those hurt feelings stuck deep in my heart solely because of those insults from my very own parents and siblings, always saying that I am not enough, that I am just good for nothing, just because I still don't have a decent job up until now.

Shit. I felt dizzy just by looking at the ground below me. Should I still pursue my plan tonight? Will I still jump here in the rooftop of our apartment where I am right now? But, if I won't jump from right here, right now, I will still wake up tomorrow in the same shitty situation where I am just living but slowly dying deep inside me.

And, if I jump. . if I jump. . will my mother cry for me? How about my father? And, my two siblings? Especially my younger brother? Hmm. I don't think so. Nah. The amount of times he always picks fight with me is just so hard. . to forget and miss, I bet he will be the first one to be happy if ever I will vanish.

My tears are still constantly flowing since the minute I set foot in here. Even though there's no single sob that can be heard from me, my tears are still doing it's job to show how much suffering I am enduring right at that very moment. My whole being is just screaming from unending pain.

I looked down again at the ground from where I was standing. I am here in the fourth floor, and it's not a joke that if ever I will jump from here in our rooftop, I will be dead the moment I reached the ground later below. I think that's for certain. Maybe the Grim Reaper will definitely get me after that, for sure.

I'm scared as hell. But, I needed to face it. I needed to conquer it. If I still cannot achieve this suicidal plan of mine tonight, I don't think I will ever achieve anything in my life afterwards just because of my cowardice.

Ohh my God! I suddenly remembered I am afraid of heights and high places. That's the very moment I have noticed that my knees are shaking from fear while I stand here particularly in our sofa that's near the railings of our apartment's rooftop. Maybe I didn't realized it sooner because I am so absorbed with my chain of thoughts a while ago.

I clenched my fists. I bite my lips. I exhaled some breath. One, two, three times. I am gaining back my lost confidence for this plan. I really needed to jump. I need to.

Wait a minute, what if, I'll just hang myself with a rope? Is that more convenient for me? I looked around the area and step down on our sofa for a while. I managed to bear the pain of my still shaking knees. Despite the darkness of my surroundings, I still tried to find a rope or something for the changed plan of killing myself tonight. But, a couple of minutes later, my shoulders dropped when I can't find any rope around me or anything similar to that.

I decided to come back on the top of our sofa to just stick back to my original plan of jumping off from there. Once again, I felt dizzy just by looking at the ground below. I fought my dizziness and stared at the dark sky above me.

Maybe, it's really for the better if I will just jump off from here, instead of hanging myself. Just by thinking of strangling my neck with a rope sends shivers throughout my body. I do think it's that painful, like I am watching a horror film done right in front of my very eyes. Grr.

Wow! Those stars above me, they are really beautiful. And lucky. Imagine being up there, just staying still and never minding any problems that will come up your way. Plus, the fact, that they are already shining on their own. It's just surreal and so majestic to see. I am so envy of them. I wish I was born as a star, but instead I was born as a lousy human being. How unlucky can I get, ehh?

I really really love my family. I really really love them that's why I am doing this. I don't want to burden them anymore. They can just think that when I vanish, they will gain more from it. Their expenses for food and other things will be much lower because of me, gone as good.

I closed my eyes. I asked for forgiveness from God. I also asked Him to take care of my family. And lastly, I asked Him to give my life to a much more deserving person. Much more deserving to live than me.

And also, I asked for forgiveness to myself. And wished that if ever God gave me a second chance even after killing myself tonight, I promise on my next life, I will be much better and much stronger than before.

This is it, I am going to jump now. I raised one of my feet to put it in the railings but before I can even raised my other foot after that, something freaking cold suddenly grasp my arm. To my utter shock, I shouted at the top of my lungs I thought I woke up our entire neighborhood because of that.

My shouting scene lasted for about a whole freaking minute before I finally decided to calm down. But, my whole body is still shaking from the shock that struck me a while ago and the very fact that the cold thing that grasp my arm is still freaking there!

"There's no ghost here. There's no ghost here." I chanted to myself repeatedly. I swear I wanted to faint right there and then but my curiosity got me first, so with trembling lips, I tilted my head to face the 'ghost'.

But contrary to what I am expecting, what I saw was much worse than a freaking ghost. The trembling of my body intensified, I really wanna jump off from there just to escape the odd creature in front of me.

A tall silhouette of a man wearing a long black robe is standing right in front of me. I stuttered my own words, "Grim Reaper?"

I didn't heard any response from the 'Grim Reaper' in front of me, that's why my cries a while ago suddenly resonated ugly trembling sobs coming from my throat partnered with hilarious hiccups.

"What the hell! I didn't jump off yet. . you're here to freaking fetch me?" I asked setting aside my fear just to scold this 'Grim Reaper' like crazy.

I tried to set my arm free from this 'Grim Reaper's' hold on it but to my dismay, he won't just budge. His hold is just so freaking tight, all the brokenhearted fellas in the world might get jealous of me because of it.

"Hey! Let me go! Let me go!" I swear my nose flared up with invisible smoke because of the sudden anger boiled within me. "Do you have a freaking crush on me? No? Then, let me go!" I can just imagine what kind of a mess my face is right at that very moment because of my mixed emotions.

Just then, the 'Grim Reaper' finally spoke, I was taken aback, not because of fear again, but with something else. Something like, a fluttering feeling in my stomach. His voice, it's just. . so deep yet. . so sexy.

"You don't have the right to kill yourself, Savana."

In all fairness, his deep and sexy voice sounded like the second lead korean actor in the korean drama, True Beauty, that I have watched just recently. But, I am still not finished with it yet because the app called Viu where I am watching it always has a connection error for freaking sake, even though my internet connectivity is very good at that matter.

"Hwang In Yeop oppa?" I smiled mockingly at him, not caring if I look like a total idiot now at his eyes. "How can I freaking jump if you hold my freaking arm like this?"

"You cannot jump, Savana." He said every word with clear emphasis, never minding my question to him that's full of sarcasm. Annoyed because of that, I stepped down on our sofa and tried to break his grip on my arm again, but holy mother of God, he still won't let me freaking go! I tried to slap his hand, but all he can do is just watch me, looking unbothered by my desperate attempts there. His face also doesn't show that he's hurting from my childish slaps. He just don't have any freaking expression at all!

Left with no choice, I shouted again at the top of my lungs, for the second time around. "Mom, help me! Mom! Grim Reaper's here to fetch me! Mom!" I also added some hysterical cries to match my acting scenario there. I am just sure I sounded like a little girl whining about not getting what she wants from her strict mom.

I was just shut up when another cold hand gripped my mouth, gently. "I am not the Grim Reaper you're talking about. So, please, don't be afraid of me." He whispered in my left ear when he moved his face closer to mine.

Shit! Why do I felt like my left ear just tingled at some strange sensation when I felt the hot breath of this Grim- I mean, this odd looking man in front of me? So flirty of you, Savana.

"You got it?" I nodded my head even though I don't want to. That's the time he let go of his hand on my mouth, but he still didn't let go of his grip on my arm, that's why I am still feeling the chill coming from it.

But, if he's not the 'Grim Reaper', then who is he? I moved aside and his head followed my movement that's why when the faint light coming from the moon above us struck his face, his dark brooding eyes sparkled with mischief while looking down directly at me. I got it, we've got a big height difference. He's just so freaking tall!

"Who are you, then?" That's also the time I noticed he just doesn't sound like Hwang In Yeop, but he actually really look like him! From his almond-shaped eyes, up to his sharp pointed nose and thin pink lips. And don't even begin me with his straight posture, it's like he's giving this vibe that he's subtle arrogant because of his stance, but he's actually not.

He's about to answer me but I interrupted him, showing my right palm near his perfect face. "Wait, are you a thief? That's why you know my name because you have long planned robbing our house since I don't care?"

He immediately shook his head in disagreement, but I am still hesitant to believe him. I squinted my eyes at him.

"Then, what are you? A stalker?" I formed my mouth in a big-O shape to show him my shock for that. I also cover myself using my free arm just to show him what I am talking about.

He noticed that and he shook his head again and didn't hide the disappointment in his eyes for my baseless accusations. "Listen to me. . please. ." My mouth literally fell open when the tone of his voice changed into something more. . sweet?

"Killing yourself is not the only solution for all of the problems you're facing right now, Savana." I paused after that. Wait a minute, I felt like something pierced through my heart upon hearing what he had just said. How dare this creature tell me what is right and what is freaking wrong for me?

I didn't know what got into me that made me so strong because when I tried to free my arm again from his grip, I finally succeeded this time. "Who are you to say that? Who are you to invalidate my pain? Who are you to judge whether it's right for me to give up on my life or not? Huh? Tell me, who are you to say that!" No one even knows how deep my pain was. No one, not even my parents. For freaking sake!

"Those frustrations that build up in my heart," I said as I pointed one finger at my chest. "Those are just so hard to set aside." I looked up at the sky before looking back at him again. "You cannot just tell me that. . that what I am feeling right now. . doesn't count, and not important."

I wiped my tears that's freely flowing down my eyes, quietly, while we both still looked at each other's eyes. I am about to turn my back on him so that I can just go back to my room downstairs but to my shock again, he stopped me and pulled my body towards him. My eyes grew bigger when I realized he freaking hugged me after that. The audacity of this creature! I don't even know who is he!

"What are you. ." I was stopped by him when he put his head on the crook of my right neck.

"Please, don't misunderstand me. If you just know all the times that I have been there for you through all the happenings of your life." My eyebrows furrowed. What is he talking about? And, why the hell is he hugging me again? Like, we are filming a romantic korean drama right there and then? And, after this, he'll kiss me and say how much he loves me? God, my brain. So imaginative.

"Savana. ." I was back to earth again when he sweetly whispered my name I felt like I wanna close my eyes and savor our moment there.

"I am the angel that was tasked to guard you. From the very beginning and up until now. I am the only one." I exhaled a deep breath because my head suddenly throbbed from pain upon hearing what he just had said to me.

But, before I can even question him about it, the long black robe around his body suddenly flew away. And, what made me shock again, for the nth time, were the pair of two big black wings that looks like from a bird's, suddenly flapped from his back and was spread proudly, high and mighty, just for my eyes to majestically see.

I didn't know what got into me, but maybe because of the dehydration of my crying episodes since earlier, the draining feeling inside me and the unending shock this creature made me feel again and again, my vision blurred and my knees turned to jelly. But before I totally lost consciousness, I felt his strong and sturdy arms catch my body before I fell to the ground, together with the panic in his voice as he called my name again.

A dream. What happened last night was only a dream. Because I woke up this morning that I am already lying in my bed alone, here in with my shared room with my sister. So, I'm certain of my guess, or was I really?

But, nevertheless, I don't have the time to rethink about it, for I have so many responsibilities here at our home. But, why do I feel like I am wishing for it to be true? That the odd creature I met last night, must be true?

I shook my head to erase my thoughts about it. Just then, my mother barged from the front door, angry and walking directly at me, looking ready to eat me alive. How can she has so much energy left to scold me even though she's noticeably tired from her work?

"Why didn't you cleaned the house again, Savana?" She shouted at my face, not even bothering to look around and check if I didn't really cleaned the house like what she's abruptly accusing me. "I am already tired and you're assuming that I will also do the chores here? For god's sake!"

I looked at her with tired eyes. Tired because that's the first time I have taken a sit after washing so many of our clothes, bedsheets and curtains a while ago. "I already cleaned the whole house, mom. Why can't you ask me first before shouting at me like that?" My voice is dripping with so much bitterness and sarcasm.

It is just so irritating to get treated like this by my own mother just because she thinks, I am worthless for not having a job like her. Especially when she and my father made me finish my studies in college. But, it's not like I also like not having a work up until now. In addition to that, the whole world is facing a big pandemic right now because of a deadly virus that's killing people by damaging their immune systems. That's why, it's one of the reasons why it's just so hard for me to finally land a position in every company out there. Not to mention, I still don't have any working experiences to show off to the oh so choosy employers.

"You're talking back at me again! You're so disrespectful!" I am left astounded when she walked closer to my younger brother who is eating at the dining area that time, and then, she picks my brother's plate that's full of food and rushed back to me again only to throw the whole plate at my face.

Right at that moment, the shattered pieces of myself was shattered again and again like the other nights where my mother did the same thing like what she did to me right now. I know she's tired, I know she's stressed because of our pending bills, the due rent of our apartment and many more, but is it really necessary to vent out all of what she's feeling to me? And, in this way?

I felt the sticky feel of the rice and viand my brother was eating in my face down to my neck and blouse. My mind said to shout at my mother, too. To do to her what she did to me, too. But, my body didn't cooperated. I just looked at my mom with tired eyes again and began cleaning the mess she had made on our couch and in the floor.

After that, I slowly walked back to my shared room with Hailee, walked inside the bathroom but not to clean myself, but to sit on the farthest corner there and cry my heart out. Quietly and alone.

I took a bath afterwards and headed out to the dining area to eat my dinner like nothing so devastating happened to me a while ago.

"Feed the dogs, Sav." I am halfway into finishing my food when my younger brother suddenly appeared beside me while his eyes are both fixated on his phone because he's busy playing mobile games in there. This rude jerk. I didn't answered him because well, I am still finishing my food and my mouth is still busy chewing. In addition to that, I just don't simply want to answer him and comply to what was he's commanding me.

But, because he's a hot-headed jerk brother of mine, he easily got upset because of that. "Hey! I said you feed the dogs. They are surely starving now!" He shouted at me and he also have the guts to push my back so hard. I tried to ignore the pain that struck me and still continued eating. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me in pain.

"What the hell is wrong with you two, again!" That's the time mom went out of her room and spotted us in that heated situation. I took a glanced at her and saw her already wearing her pajamas, fresh from the bath, and obviously so ready to go to sleep.

"This stupid girl. Acting crazy again." My younger brother, as expected, pointed the blame immediately at me. "She doesn't want to feed the dogs, mom. How stupid of her!"

That's the time I speak up because I couldn't take my boiling anger any moment from now.

"Can't you just freaking wait? Can't you see I'm still eating here? If you really want to feed them right now, why can't you do it yourself? It's just the only thing you can do in this house and yet, you always pass that freaking task to me!" My younger brother became so mad at that he took the initiative to punch my face but mom stopped her at the right moment.

"Justine!" I stared at my younger brother with so much hatred in my eyes. This is not the first time he tried to hit me. There were also a couple of times he succeeded on doing that, I remember going to school back then with violet spots and bruises on my cheek and arm.

"I am the only one who is allowed to hurt your sister. Not you, and not anybody else!" My mom shouted, not caring if what she meant by that will destroy the remaining sanity in me. I stared at her with so much disbelief.

Is she really my mom? Why is she like that, then? What she had just said hurts so freaking much!

And my younger brother, why does he always resort to physically hurting me whenever he had the opportunity to do so? Why? Is it because he's a man, and a man is supposedly much stronger than a woman? And, that became his license to just punch me whenever he wants? Because I am a girl and I am weak at his eyes? Is that it?

My younger brother pushed me one last time before storming out of our dining area after mom scolded him. Then, my mom looked at me with scorching blazing eyes.

"Look at the mess you always do at this house. For God's sake, Savana! I am tired! I am tired for all this drama! I am tired for all of our problems and here you are, adding and piling up to my problems!" I looked away from her and tried to drink some water on my glass to stop my upcoming tears from falling down.

"It's a good thing Hailee has a job, even though she only finished senior highschool. But you? I don't even want to talk about it!"

I closed my eyes as I heard her footsteps coming out from the dining area as well after carelessly saying those shits at me.

I stared at nowhere after that. I already lost my appetite that's why I had decided to just made some food for our dogs, finally. My face is void of any emotion but when I went outside our house and walked towards where Chammy and Chuchay were, my tears suddenly falls freely from my eyes.

Chammy and Chuchay happily wagged their tails upon seeing me, and that made my mood a little bit lighter. I watched them as they cheerfully dug in to their foods while I am silently hurting and crying in front of them.