If I Don't Hurt You

"When I'm happy, you feel happy too. But, when I'm sad, do you feel the same way?"

***

A dark brown-haired girl was enjoying the sunset in the afternoon. Her long hair was left loose. The girl closed her eyes, feeling the fresh air that constantly pierced the pores of her skin. Occasionally, her wavy hair followed the direction of the wind, which went nowhere.

With a shabby white dress and her feet left completely bare without any protection, this girl was huddled on a green meadow that was quite large and beautiful.

A handful of bitter smiles were imprinted on her lips, she didn't know what the smile was about. Her sad eyes were still looking at the sky. She had made an abstract painting with colors that had been mixed together. The flocks of birds flying made the sky even more crowded. Unlike this girl, who was always in endless solitude, the silence that always hit her, and the sadness that dissolved and accompanied her sad days.

Jessia Kaula Rinjani. That's her name. Usually called Sia. A petite girl who always has a cheerful look on her face, but now it's different, she's not like she used to be. With each passing day, Sia has become a loner, a girl who doesn't like to hang out with her friends, always looking strong in front of others, but in reality, she is the complete opposite. She was a fragile girl, full of sadness and sorrow that was dissolving.

A worn-out object was taken from a small pocket on her dress. She rubbed it gently and smiled sardonically afterwards. Sia closed her eyes, hugging the object in her arms. With her tight embrace, Sia couldn't help but feel the pain in her heart. The pain was not comparable to a knife cut on the hand.

Beads of clear liquid just slid out of her sad eyelids. Sia didn't want to cry, she didn't want to cry about it. However, it was so difficult, and her feelings were so broken.

"Why did you leave me, El?" she said softly while touching a small photo in her hand.

A sob escaped Sia's thin lips. Again, she couldn't forget the incident. The incident that required Sia to be willing-willing to be left behind by someone who had given color to her life-made her realize that she needed to be more willing.

However, she couldn't at all. Sia couldn't forget that person, it was too imprinted on her memory. Maybe even if Sia experienced memory loss, the thought of that person would still be loyal in her brain.

Sia's cries grew louder, she couldn't bear it. She wanted to catch up with him before he left. However, Sia still wanted to live life as it should be.

This place became a silent witness to the beginning of Sia's sadness. She will never forget the place where she accepted the harsh reality of losing someone she loved.

Sia didn't know if this was the lifeline God had given her or if God was just testing her resilience. Sia hoped that the second answer was the one she was currently living in. Sia knows that every test that God gives to his servants must have wisdom and pleasure that can be obtained afterwards.

However, Sia didn't know if this was her lifeline or just a test that God had given her. Sia raised her head up so that her tears would not continue to flood her cheeks.

She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing in the fresh air of this beautiful sunset.

It didn't feel like time was passing so quickly. A dark grin began to fill the sky, which was beginning to take on a reddish-yellow color. Sia got up from her seat and cleaned her buttocks, which were probably dirty.

The hair that was blown by the wind to cover her face was pushed behind her ear. She began to smile a little.

Sia. The girl who could have such an unstable personality. Sia felt like the most heartbreaking girl in the world, but a second later she felt like a very happy girl.

Sia sighed, exhaling deeply. She began to walk away from this beautiful meadow.

The soles of her feet also felt the cold. Yes, Sia was not wearing shoes or sandals to protect her feet from sharp objects or the cold that pierced her skin.

As she walked towards her small house, Sia hugged herself tightly. Accompanied by the dim lights twinkling in the vast city.

Sia always prayed to God not to drip the sense of loss that settled in her heart over the departure of the man who gave her a warm smile. It was indeed difficult. However, Sia will keep trying, trying not to be trapped in her dark past.

Sia must be able to rise from adversity because a bright future is waiting for her there. The past is painful, and the more we feel the pain, the more the past is reminded. Like what Sia is experiencing right now, for example.

For about ten minutes, Sia had been walking among the city lights that illuminated the dark night. For some reason, this night was very different from the previous nights, as if she was going through the same downturn as Sia. The night seemed to welcome and favor Sia.

The stars that were usually present to fill the emptiness and silence of the sky were now gone and gone somewhere. The bright light from the moon was swallowed up by the black clouds.

Yes, the sky is sad now. Perhaps it will not be long before it sheds its tears. Sia took long strides, not wanting to feel the raindrops. The breeze blew away her long hair and the dress she was wearing.

The air was getting colder and felt more suffocating, Sia smiled faintly when her small house was in front of her. The house looked very old and worn. The lights still hadn't illuminated the corners of the room.

Sia clucked and then picked up the key that was placed under the flowerpot. She took it and opened the door.

Hearing the screeching sound of the door opening, Sia stepped inside and didn't forget to say her greetings. She pressed the light switch, and a second later the whole room had a speck of light. It wasn't as bright as the fancy lights in hotels or luxury apartments. However, at least Sia was lucky with the dim light that always accompanied her at night.

Sia chuckled, exhaling softly. Now the atmosphere was completely opposite from the situation out there. Now Sia felt the heat, sweat was starting to come out of her neck and temples. Sia got up from the bed and picked up the towel hanging behind the door.

The cold water began to refresh Sia's small body, she began to feel her body fresher due to the cold water that poured over her body. Ten minutes later, Sia laid down on the bed.

Her eyes began to close as the raindrops hit the window of her room. Sia fell asleep comfortably, even though all day long sadness continued to haunt her tiny body.

"I am always near you, wherever you are. We are even closer than the closeness of a thread and a needle."

***

"Why did you bring me to this place, El?" A frown formed on Sia's forehead. She looked confused as to why Elgi had brought her to this vast grassland.

Elgi was still silent, staring at Sia's eyes with sadness, then a second later he smiled a small smile. No, Sia saw a smile that was so different from usual. In her opinion, Elgi's behavior today was much stranger than usual.

"What's wrong?" Sia patted Elgi's sturdy arm. Her curiosity was getting the better of her.

Elgi's hand moved to touch Sia's hand tightly, but his face was still smiling at her. She was increasingly confused by Elgi's actions this time; they were completely unpredictable.

Elgi's grip on Sia's hand grew tighter, his muscular arms pulling her closer. Elgi began to walk forward, and Sia couldn't help but move her feet because her little hand was still faithfully in the warm grip of Elgi's hand.

Sia just stood still, following Elgi from behind, she really couldn't guess what Elgi would do afterwards. All she could do now was wait for him to make a sound.

Occasionally, Sia's gaze was glued to the grip of his hand that was adrift with Elgi's hand. A red tinge began to appear on Sia's thin cheeks, and somehow Sia felt comfortable with Elgi's treatment this time. No, it's not that Elgi has been treating Sia inappropriately, but this time it's more romantic. That's all Sia had in mind.

Elgi stopped his long footsteps and turned to face Sia with a smile that was brighter than ever. In fact, that smile was more than a sunflower in the morning.

Their gazes locked for a moment, and Sia looked at Elgi's face, which was very sparkling and handsome. The look Elgi gave off was able to make Sia's aura unable to divert her eyes. She couldn't even look away.

Elgi released his hand subtly, and Sia was sensitive to that, so she opened her hand.

"Elgi! What did you want to bring me here for?" Sia repeated. She doesn't know how many questions she asked Elgi. Her lover.

Elgi was still the same as before. He only showed a smile that was planted on his lips. Sia chuckled, sighing deeply because her attempt to persuade him to talk was very difficult. You could even say it was impossible.

Sia turned her face to the side, she was a little annoyed with Elgi's behavior this time. She needed clarity, not just a sweet, intoxicating smile.

Elgi's hands moved again, his delicate palms then lifted Sia's chin to keep looking at his face. Sia reflexively looked up to meet Elgi's face with a flat stare.

Both of Elgi's thumbs moved to explore every corner of Sia's smooth cheeks, the strokes that were so soft made Sia stunned, and a second later, her cheeks released a red tinge like boiled crabs.

For a long time, Elgi did something that Sia thought was very romantic. Without hesitation, Sia's hand moved to touch Elgi's large waist. Her hands squeezed the shirt that covered Elgi's body.

Elgi's face began to move little by little towards Sia's face. Sia looked at him, confused, her heart racing rapidly. She couldn't move, as if her whole body was numb.

Elgi's handsome face was getting closer, and Sia felt more and more nervous.

She immediately closed the corners of her eyes tightly, and a second later she felt a soft touch on her lips. Sia gulped her saliva deeply. She immediately opened her eyes slowly and found Elgi kissing her lips. Elgi seemed to appreciate the up and down movement of his lips, and Sia matched Elgi's skillful lip movement. Elgi still held her jaw and chin firmly, his eyes perfectly closed.

For a long time, they felt his lips moving leisurely, as if they were dancing to ancient, soothing music. As time went on, Sia became more and more immersed and closed her eyes again, her palms tightening even tighter around Elgi's waist.

Elgi bit Sia's lips lightly. Sia immediately squealed. No, she didn't feel any pain. It was just that she was shocked by Elgi's treatment. The afternoon sunlight shining down on the two couples who were doing a romantic scene added a deep impression.

The lips gently rubbing against each other, the lips chasing each other, and the light sighs from Sia's mouth made the couple maintain their position.

Elgi wanted to do it over and over again with a lip movement that seemed to follow the music, and Sia did not want to resist or deny Elgi's actions at all.

Elgi stopped the activity and moved his face away from Sia's beautiful face. They looked at each other with their flat gazes. Elgi again rubbed Sia's cheek in a very gentle, slow motion. Again and again, Sia was stunned by Elgi's soothing treatment.

After that, Elgi pulled Sia's body into his warm embrace. Sia was startled again. With trembling hands, Sia wrapped her arms around Elgi's waist. Her head resting on his chest, she closed her eyes again, inhaling the minty scent of Elgi's body.

Elgi hugged Sia even tighter, his chin perched on Sia's shoulder as his eyes closed tightly. They held each other for a short time, then Elgi kissed Sia gently on the forehead. Sia could feel her forehead being warmed by the kiss Elgi made.

"Sia," Elgi called very softly after kissing Sia's forehead. Perhaps it was only now that Sia could hear Elgi's voice, who had been silent all this time.

Sia then raised her head, staring at Elgi's face, who gave her a difficult-to-interpret look.

"What do you think the word separation means?" Elgi then asked.

Sia frowned. Confused. One word represents her answer this time. Sia looked back at Elgi in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

Elgi sighed softly. "What do you think separation is?"

Sia seemed to think for a while before releasing her answer to Elgi. "Separation is when we are willing to let someone else go from our lives. Even though we ourselves feel very painful. It's not like every meeting has a separation, right?" That was the answer Sia gave. It sounded ambiguous.

Elgi nodded his chin slowly. "Even if it's between you and me?" He asked again.

"No, we'll always be together forever." Sia answered quickly and then held Elgi's burly hand.

Elgi gave a small smile. "It's not like a meeting has to have a separation, right? That's what you just said."

"M-what do you mean, El? I really don't understand," Sia muttered in confusion. Why was Elgi talking about separation? Where is he going? That was the question on Sia's mind.

Elgi pressed his palms together again in Ela's palm.

"I think it will happen to us soon." Elgi replied. Ambiguous.

Sia gulped her saliva bitterly, her hands were trembling, her eyes were already teary, and her gaze was very hard to interpret. Sia looked at Elgi's face for a long time.

"You want to leave me?" Sia's voice sounded discordant. Her chest was aching, and her breathing was labored. She held Elgi's cheek gently.

"Answer me, Elgi!" Sia shook both of Elgi's shoulders vigorously.

Sia didn't like the way Elgi kept smiling. Sia's tears burst out of her sad eyelids, and Sia wanted to hold them back for now. However, the tears continued to force their way out and form small streams on her thin cheeks. Sia began to sob.

"I will always be near you. Wherever I am. We are even closer than the distance between a thread and a needle. We are more than them, you have to remember that," Elgi whispered as he stroked Sia's shoulder to signal her to stay strong and calm.

"I'll be back one day," he continued flatly. Sia shook her head strongly.

She was not ready to be left by Elgi, she was not ready to live her own life, she was not ready to lose him, and she was not ready for the pain that was about to begin. For her, it was too sudden. Sia hated Elgi. Hated him so much. Her tears became even heavier, leaving a sob that escaped her lips, they were bitter, and her tongue felt tongue-tied.

Slowly, Elgi began to move away, and little by little, he had not turned his back on her. Sia didn't know why he had left her like that. Sia wanted to chase after Elgi, but her legs felt stiff, making it very difficult to move. She could only cry and cry. Sia's defenses were crumbling, and she began to fall on this vast expanse of green grass.

Now the only person who had been encouraging her to live her life has left her. Sia doesn't know what the future will be like, is it possible for Sia to go through all the obstacles in her life without Elgi, who is always by her side? She doesn't know.

Now Sia was the most unfortunate and pathetic girl in the world. She began to hug her knees tightly. She didn't care that the dress she was wearing was soaked with her own tears.

Sia slapped her cheek repeatedly, hoping she was just having a bad dream. However, the pain in her cheeks meant that this was a very real and bitter event for Jessia Kaula Rinjani.

Now, her lover was truly gone.

"Even though I will be gone from your life. However, you must believe in this one thing. That is, the full body that I have is already attached here. Your heart and mind."

***

Hosh! Hosh! Hosh!

Sia woke up from her sleep, her breathing was labored, and her heart was swaying vigorously like she was at a discotheque. Sia clutched her chest, which felt tight. Cold sweat began to pour out of her neck and temples.

Sia hugged her knees, crying for her drama-filled life. The dream came again, and it would stay like that forever. Every night, Sia had the dream she hated the most. Why have that dream when there are so many other, better ones? Why did the breakup with Elgi make its way into her subconscious?

Sometimes Sia was afraid to sleep, afraid of the dreams that had haunted her mind for the past year. Sia's tears broke out, clear liquid flowing easily from her eyes. A day without crying was impossible for her, in fact, crying was her friend.

Sia has always waited for Elgi, until now. Sometimes she went to the meadow, where she witnessed her separation from Elgi. She hoped that Elgi would come back and suddenly give her a luxurious surprise. However, in reality, it was just a delusion. Elgi was really gone and would never come back. Sia always waited for Elgi and hoped that one day she would meet him again. She doesn't know when.

Sometimes Sia also felt bored, and waiting for something uncertain was very sad. But she was still faithful enough to do that. Sia believed that a separation must have a speck of happiness behind it. Nothing is impossible if God has willed something.

Sia's hand moved, wiping away the tears that had been forming a small river on both cheeks. A second after that, her face turned and looked at the wall of her room, where the wall clock was stuck. At two o'clock in the morning, that was the hand that showed the number.

Sia let out an exasperated sigh, then she pulled back the thin blanket until it covered her chest. Sia wanted to continue sleeping, considering she had school today after the weekend. However, Sia was too afraid to close her eyes again, afraid that a nightmare about Elgi would attack her again. She would definitely feel the tightness in her chest. And she didn't want that to happen.

Until the call to dawn, Sia had not closed her eyes, she had been awake all night for almost three hours, not that Sia was not sleepy. Instead, she just felt scared. In fact, Sia felt so sleepy, she probably opened her mouth dozens of times, yawning.

She unfolded the thin, tattered blanket with roses on it that had been wrapped around her. She folded the cloth and placed it on her sleeping pillow. Sia sat on the edge of her rickety mattress, her feet roaming in search of her slippers.

After her feet found her friend-slippers. She quickly got up, opened the door, and started walking towards the bathroom, not far from her bed. She took some ablution water and immediately prayed the morning prayer.

***

When she was ready to go to school like any other day, she went out of her house. The creaking of the door made a loud noise. It was a sign that the door was about to be replaced with a new one.

This house was the only thing left by Sia's parents. Her mother had been overseas for a long time. However, every month, Sia is sent money for food and school fees. Meanwhile, Sia's father passed away about two years ago, when Sia was still in junior high school.

Sia is getting used to living independently. It was hard to do. But she did it wholeheartedly. Sia sighed softly, then started walking towards the bus base.

Sia let her hair down, she felt comfortable. Occasionally, her wavy hair danced as she took wide steps. It only took fifteen minutes to reach the school. It wasn't too far from home.

The zipper of the bag was opened, and then Sia took the money and gave it to the bus driver when the four-wheeled vehicle stopped right in front of the High School gate.

"Thank you," he said. Sia only responded with a small smile. A second later, she took a bit of the hair covering her face and tucked it behind her ear.

"SIA!"

Sia immediately stopped her footsteps, feeling that her name had been called, Sia then turned her body backwards. A second later, she smiled happily, apparently the person who called her earlier was Elin, her classmate.

Once Elin arrived beside her with her breath catching, Sia only smiled a little when Elin also flashed her a big smile.

"You're so beautiful today, I swear!" complimented Elin as she gazed at Sia's radiant appearance from the top of her head to her toes.

"You're pretty too, in fact, you already have a boyfriend," Sia praised Elin back.

Hearing this, Elin nudged Sia's shoulder, signaling to her best friend not to talk about "boyfriend" at a time like this.

"By the way, you're really different today, I guarantee that many people will be attracted to your new look!" Elin said she was examining her appearance again, often chuckling and shaking her head continuously. This also made Sia's excitement level even higher.

Instead of being happy and proud at the same time about being praised like this, Sia was desperately holding back her embarrassment. In fact, she only slightly changed her appearance.

"Don't be like that, I'm embarrassed." Sia slapped Elin's cheek while hiding her blushing cheeks, complimenting her appearance.

"Crazy, I'm one hundred percent sure. The next time you go to class, the boys will gawk at your new look," Elin teased again, her finger picking at Sia's chin. A split second after that, Elin took even faster steps while dragging Sia. She did not do this without reason. Rather, Elin couldn't wait to see how surprised her classmates would be when they saw the new Sia.

"Don't walk so fast, the entrance bell is still a long time away." Sia tried to release Elin's grip on her arm. However, Elin was not the only one whose will was not yet complete.

Ignoring what Sia had just said, Elin increased her footsteps. It got to the point where Sia herself was overwhelmed by Elin's wide footsteps. Inevitably, because she kept being dragged forward, Sia tried to run a little.

Elin really put Sia in a state of anxiety. What was different about her appearance, she only felt that she had changed her appearance slightly. Underline if necessary.

If Sia had undergone plastic surgery, then Elin would be able to gush and praise her appearance to her heart's content. However, for something as small as this, the girl seemed to be looking at Sia like she hadn't seen her in a long time. Really, Sia didn't know the way her best friend thought.