IN THE NAME OF SIN

Chapter one

SIMON

They said I was a miracle. Found in a cardboard wrapped in thin cloth at the parish gates on Sunday morning.

Sister Marianne was the first to see me. She took me to Father cadwell, who lifted me in his arms during the morning mass. He told the congregation, that I was a blessing, a gift from God. A sign that our parish was blessed and our faith was real. I was baptised and named Simon. They all wanted to touch me. The sisters said my skin was like milk, my green eyes, and freckles stood out, making me more attractive.

Time flew so fast, and I was ten already. Men and women from various places who heard about me came to me for prayers. Dying men, sick children, Barren women, all came to me for prayers. They believed I was a man from heaven. I smiled each time I prayed for them. I thought I was chosen, I was a blessing, but I was wrong. Things went on smoothly till I turned 15.

The parish held a fundraiser bringing Reverends from far and near. The cathedral was packed and people were coming in and out. He came to me, asking to pray for me as he saw something inside of me. I went with him to the Rectory for prayers. An action that changed my life for good.

8Years later.

The bells of Saint Aurelius rang through Edevane like a promise. Incense spread in the air, smoke and whispers spread over the ceiling. The cathedral hummed around me like a living thing. I stood where Father cadwell placed me, wearing the smile I've worn for years. They watched me more than they watched him: the women, the children, the sisters in church. Look at the miracle baby, God's chosen, the sacred child. Touch him, and you'll be healed. When I was little, I thought it was all love, but I know better now. Their delusion clings to my skin more than incense smoke. I tried not to choke on it.

An old lady held my hands and squeezed them tightly. I forced a smile, then she whispered "You are proof, that God still speaks". I almost laughed. I wanted to tell her how much of a lie everything was, that the only one who spoke here, was the man who made me strip and kneel whilst he whipped me, educating me on the dangers of "sin" I smiled back and said a little "bless you" to her.

When the Hymn ended, as usual, I lowered my head as Father Cadwell placed his hands on my shoulders. A show of love, the fatherly blessing anyone could ask for. His grip tightened as I winced in pain. He whispered: Behave.

It was firm and direct, and I did not need to be told twice. Flickers of camera light made me widen my smile. I smiled so hard that it hurt, but they didn't see that. They only saw what I needed them to see. What he needed them to see. I stood in front, greeting everyone till the place became empty.

My smile was still intact. It was a skill I'd learnt over the years. I walked directly to the Rectory where Father cadwell stayed. The moment I walked in, I heard the lock click shut behind me. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. Father cadwell come out of the shadows. He unfastened his robes and folded them carefully. Then he cleaned his hands. Holy hands.

"Your eyes strayed away during the Third hymn," he said I couldn't answer because it was of no use. "Strip, and kneel," he said, with no emotion on his face. I do it without questioning. I should be used to it by now. Father cadwell's form of "discipline".

The impact of the belt on my skin brought me back from my thoughts. My flesh was on fire. The bruises from the last whip hadn't healed, but he doesn't care. I bit my lips as I tried to muffle the tears that threatened to come out. He whipped me four times, before lecturing me. It was his pattern. "Sin starts as a seed," he said whilst walking round.

"We make sure to cut it before it germinates" Another whip. "Make sure you ask for forgiveness, for you have sinned," he said. He put on his robe and left the room. It was the routine. I would ask for forgiveness after each beating and was made to wait till he returned. "Forgive me, lord, for I have sinned" the usual mantra I was made to recite over and over again. A few hours later, he returned to meet me still asking for forgiveness whilst my hands trembled. "Put on your robe and leave" "Stay away from sin boy." He warned. I picked up my robe carefully and wore it.

My room was just in the opposite direction of he's. I peeled off my robe immediately after I got into my room. The reflection of my skin made me scrunch my face in disgust. I cleaned the dried blood with cold water.

I wrapped my ribs with bandages. I changed to grey sweatpants and a sweatshirt to match. I looked at myself once more, all these for what exactly? I practice my smile and make sure it looks perfect. Tomorrow, no one will see this broken version of me.

They'll only see the perfect, Sacred child. I practiced my smile more until I dozed off. A loud knock on the door wakes me up. The knock jolts me upright. The bruises screamed under my sweatshirt. A raw echo of discipline, for sinning. Another knock, louder and sharper. It was sister Agnes, who always came to give me food this late.

Father cadwell wouldn't show his face again once I'd been disciplined, to avoid staining his hands twice. My feet touched the cold floor, as I proceeded to open the door. I opened the door just enough to see her pale blue eyes. The only person who knew what was going on inside these walls.

Chapter two

SIMON

Her rosary beads click as she moved the tray. "Father said you need your strength for the morning prayers," she said softly.

Her voice was soft but her words were not. She handed the tray over to me. " Eat boy". She said firmly, then she drifted away.

It was always a habit of her's to vanish into the shadows. I stare at the stale bread, the little soup that was already lukewarm, and the water tastes faintly like rust.

I could never complain really, I just had to live with it. I ate my food quietly, food was not to be wasted here, unless you wanted to be disciplined. When I was done, I washed the bowl in the sink till it became squeaky clean. Everything had always been in order here.

Prayers, punishment, perfect smile. The three P's in Saint Aurelies Cathedral. I said my prayers and slid under my thin blanket. I practiced my smiles till my jaw twitched.

I ignored the pain, my smile must be perfect. Sleep dragged me under, but the nightmare came back, something I was trying to forget. I saw his shadow again, hovering around me with that smirk that made my stomach churn in disgust.

I woke up shivering, rubbing my palms. I said my prayers hoping for sleep to consume me again. The knock came again, but this time it was soft. I slowly dragged myself to crack open the oak door.

It was sister Mariane. She stood there with worry written all over her face. I quickly forced my smile to avoid her asking questions. "Good morning sister" I smiled. "You look sick" she replied. She was one of the good things about this place. "I am very fine, sister," I said, forcing a smile. "Such a cheerful boy" she patted my head.

If only she knew. I only smiled as a reply. "Get ready and come down for prayers, my boy," she said.

We don't want Father Cadwell coming down before you. " "Alright, I'll be down soon" I shut my door and hurried to the bathroom to do my business.

The cold water cascaded down my skin making me wince in pain. When I was done, I applied the ointment to my wounds.

Then I proceeded to change my bandages. I quickly got dressed and went down with my rosary, holy water, and holy Bible.

"Look, the miracle child is here" I heard old men talk amongst themselves. "Bless you," I said making the sign of the cross. Pin drop silence. He was here.

His voice thundered as he led the first prayer. I mouthed the words with my eyes facing the ground. I could feel his stare, it was intensely unbearable.

He was waiting for me to flinch, for me to mess up. But no, I couldn't. Not here, not in front of them. The prayers have ended. I stood at the entrance whilst the parishioners left.

The old men with hunched backs, the old women, and their sleepy children. Some were stretching their sticky hands to touch me.

"Oh the miracle baby of Edevane" they murmured as they walked by. I could only smile. If only they knew, they'd shut their mouths and run.

After the church was empty, I went back to help them clean the altar cloths. Some sisters were talking about a boy, but they immediately kept quiet once they saw me. They continued again, but in whispers.

"Did you hear of the Mayor's son's scandal?" one asked. "The library incident? I heard" the second sister spoke.

I'd never heard of this before, maybe because Father cut me off from the media, as it "promotes Sin". " I heard he's bringing him to church this Sunday," one said.

"That abomination of a boy? I hope he doesn't corrupt more people" she said. Was he that bad? Abomination?.

I curiously moved closer to them. "How can someone commit adultery in the school library?" she said with disgust written all over her face. The other one looked around before she proceeded to say:

"I heard it was with a boy" "Oh, may the Lord deliver his soul," they said. They packed up and left. I stood there wondering who this boy was. And why was I intrigued by him? "A boy?" I whispered.

He was shameless. I wondered what it felt like to be shameless and free to do whatever you wanted. To be able to stand in front of a Reverend and not tremble.

I packed up the folded cloth to the rectory. I nodded and greeted the sisters along the way. The polite, humble, pure Simon.

My mind couldn't help but drift back to the Boy they spoke about. When I got back to my room, there was a tray of bread and a glass of water on my table. I forced down each dry bite as I murmured my prayers:

Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me for I have sinned Forgive me for I have had sinful thoughts. Father cadwell was on a business trip today, so no whipping today.

I stood at the window, taking in the gaze of the courtyard. The gardeners were trimming the trees, sisters were moving about. The serenity was all I needed now.

My mind drifted back to the adulterous Mayor's son. Did he care that the town had such a narrative of him? Was he bothered by it?. I told myself I shouldn't bother about it, but the thoughts just wouldn't leave.

I slid under my blanket, as I let sleep consume me.

Then I saw him again, the same man from that night, his shadow was like clouds, towering over my head as I slept. He almost touched me, when I jolted awake. I could feel the sweat beads. My fingers were trembling.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face, and it was evening already. My door bolted open, it could only be him.

Chapter three

SIMON

"Good evening Father,"

I said as I stepped out of the bathroom. He's eyes traced my body from my head to my toes. he's eye's stopped at waistline where my towel was hanging.

"Why was your door locked?" he asked I didn't dare answer him.

"Staying alone in a room promotes sinful thoughts" I could only nod. "

The Mayor and his son would be in church on Sunday, Behave." It was a threat. "He's a bad influence.

He'd corrupt you, don't mingle with him," he said. "Yes Father"

I answered. "Don't disobey me, boy, you know what happens when you do". He threatened again. "Yes, Father."

He walked towards me, using his left hand to lift my Jaw up. Then he walked out of the room. I gulped. I went back to bed, trying to sleep. My mind drifted back to this same boy.

Why does everyone keep on talking about him? I let the thought press my chest like a bruise before I drifted into sleep. In the blink of an eye, Sunday came again.

The day I'd anticipated the most. The congregation was already seated when I walked inside behind Father Cadwell.

Finally, the sermon is finished. The women come up to me praising me as usual. But I see him, but there's something else, he's staring at me.

Not in awe or like the "Miracle child" but like he was trying to figure me out. I tried to look away, but he had already seen me. He's grin was mischievous, dangerous, and crooked.

He was trouble, the type everyone would warn you about. I looked up again, but he was gone.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him-that dangerous grin, his perfect jawline that I craved to touch. No, no, I shouldn't be having such thoughts. The next day. I dragged myself out to bed to get dressed.

Today, we were hosting a charity event, which Father Cadwell liked to call "giving back to the people who made Saint Aurelius." In reality, it was just to feed the poor orphans stale bread and watery stew.

I haven't had any encounter with Father cadwell for days and my wounds were healing fine. A soft knock on my door. It could only be sister miranne. "Simon!, You have special guests," she said.

Special guests, that's what they call people who come here specially for prayers from me.

"I'll be down shortly" I replied. "Don't keep them waiting" Slowly her footsteps faded away. I finished my business in the bathroom. Hurriedly I wore my white shirt and blue jeans.

My bible, my holy water, and rosary were all I needed as I proceeded down. They came to me like insects as they saw me descending from the stairs.

They whispered my name as tho I were a relic. "Simon please pray for my boy, he's off to the university," she asked. University, it was never a dream of mine as Father cadwell said such exposure leads to sin.

But when a sin was committed on me I was blamed and whipped instead. "Bless you boy, you have grown so well. I'm sure your father would be proud." I said smiling.

I bowed my head in prayer. Everything was false, but I had to behave because I knew he was watching. He was waiting for me to crack, so he'd have an excuse to whip me.

After the prayers were over, they proceeded to touch my hair and skin with their sticky fingers. "The blessing of Edevane". Bless your delusional heart.

Their touches made my skin crawl. I strode them to the entrance. After they left, I went to help the sisters with the preparations. It was evening already.

I stood under the flickering lights, the night breeze blew across my face, making me almost genuinely smile. I spotted sister miranne from a distance and went out to help.

The foods were stale, Father cadwell said it reminded us of humility. But I knew the taste, it tasted like punishment. In the blink of an eye, the courtyard was full, sisters, old men, and women of Edevane, orphans, were all trooping in.

"Have you had something to eat?" Sister Marianne asked. "I'm not hungry" I shook my head. She didn't push it, she only shook her head. She was the only softness left here.

I helped her wash the dirty dishes, but in an instant, I felt chills run down my spine. I could feel someone was watching me. I turned around to look, but I saw nothing.

Must have been the wind or maybe my sinful thoughts trailed me like a ghost. I took the plates to the kitchen. On my way out, I heard noises coming from inside the church building.

I moved closer and I heard two school girls laughing about something. "Did you see him?" One hissed. "Arson?" The other one asked. "Yes, he's here. " Arson, so that was his name.

Wait, he was here? Why? I moved aside, pressing my back against the wall so they won't notice my presence. "The whole town, even he's father knows he's a lost cause" one continued. "Sleeping with both boys and girls like a dog on heat.

He's father must be Ashamed." The other one said. "Did you notice the way he stared at Simon from afar?" One curiously asked.

"I hope he doesn't corrupt that Angel." The nodded in unison. I frozen. Me? Why? How? Was that what I felt? Why was he looking at me?.

I needed to leave, if Father cadwell notices my absence, I'll be in trouble. Arson? Me? Why?. The thoughts lingered on as I walked back to the courtyard.

I walked around the courtyard, geeeting and blessing the people. I could still feel his presence from a distance. I heard a branch snap and I turned.

There he was, He was lurking in the shadows, the tip of his cigarette glowed and then the light was gone. He was tormenting me for some reason.

He wanted me to know he was here, he was watching me, waiting for me to break.