I desire to be in your heart, notice me

Chapter 1

'Sometimes...when I wish to Identify the warmth in my heart,

It is in my tears that I feel this heat...

A heat that lingers on my cheek before drying out

This tear reminds me of my purity and the kindness within me...

of the hard work and endless effort.

it is through this tear that I have realized how life is not the same without you

and it is these tears that I have learnt to love you.'

***

I have learnt that being naive will only lead to betrayal and pain.

many tend to take advantage of someone who's still learning... who lacks the basic knowledge of what they deem as something everyone should know.

I've learnt that liers live a better life and that life is filled with everything but fairness.

This world has torn me down into ripples and changed my heart, it was this world that has taught me to hate...

I'm Elizah an indecisive tennis player... and taekwondo star during her free time.

to think that I've lost almost everything by choice. it all began, with a simple arm injury.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You should have been more careful, how do you expect her to start her new career with her arm like that now!" Zamin asked pushing Owais towards the hospitals' wall

"Don't you guys have better things to do than fight with each other, it's not as impressive as you guys try to make it look," I said entering my cab ignoring them.

I was already tired from all the previous juggling, by juggling I meant trying to live through two careers at once. A tennis player and taekwondo sensei. This incident is a blessing in disguise, now I have a reason to leave tennis.

I had already forfeited my black belt a month ago after injuring my opponent during the rising- senior nationals...I wasn't ready to face that side of me again.

both of the sport carried a special place in my heart, especially taekwondo. I gained many of my scholarships because of it and it was a means of communication with my father. he was a man who spoke only when he felt it was necessary.

I got dragged into tennis by my mother and sister. it's not much of a story, I just used it as a way of entering into a tertiary institution otherwise I have never cared about the sport.

I had never had the chance to live out my full potential on the court or mat since both had my split attention. Now I want nothing to do with the both of them regardless of the years and I've wasted trying to perfect them.

I switched my phone off after declining a few calls from Zamin, he had always been the overly sensitive one wanting to know what I'm doing or how I felt, Not today...today I wanted peace and silence. No whining or how are you's and most certainly none of Owais's criticism.

I arrived home rushing up to my room phoning my tennis instructor to inform him about my condition, I'll be handing in my racket soon.

mother placed my mail onto my bed after yelling out a few articles on how to eat, sleep and shower with a cast on, she also normalised my resignation and placed a few job articles on my bed. After an hour of the torturous lecture I picked through the mail... and finally, it came!

My acceptance letter into South Africa's number 1 kickboxing academy, for once something I wanted to do,

I smelt the letter over and over again, it smelt like success, like direction!

I could hardly believe that it was happening to me. I can finally go out there with no burden- not that I didn't enjoy those sports at some point in my life, I guess I got bored.

I do plan on doing my absolute best, there was a slight problem though...my training starts tomorrow. Although it was okay to only do leg training since I applied for a double programme my progress might get hampered with.

Zamins sister was the head sensei, and Owais was her assistant. It was my turn to rely upon and annoy him for once. The clingy martial art friend I made a few years back along with his crush, or whatever he calls her.

Even if for the past few months I have received criticism from the martial arts world as well as losing the majority of the respect I earned over the years...he still supported and respected me.

A fresh start is what I've been craving for years, even if it was without their approval.

The one thing that always cheered me up though was a good meal with the people I love...

fried, dipped, dunked...and even the greens people hate any type of halal food!

All of those tasted even better with a smiling person in front of you. Food is also the reason many let their guards down.

" I heard you got the letter," he said taking his shoes off before rushing inside with bags of groceries

"my mother made you run her errands again?"

"We basically live here so it's the least I could do...are you sure you down for training with your arm like that."

"I should be asking you that," I said annoyed, " just do whatever my mother called you over for, I have to meet Zamin later."

"poor Zamin has to deal with you today of all days...the abuse..."

I stuck my tongue out at him before I left. He was correct, they basically lived with me...eating with me all the time, shopping with me, practising with me. I should get new friends.

After my check-up at the doctor with Zamin, we went over to the tennis board to hand in my racket formally...for that moment I felt overwhelmed by having to start from scratch.

to do things all over again, I even doubted myself a few times, many believed that I was throwing away a bright future. I do admit that the pay was good, but for once I wanted to take risks and just do my own thing. After doing this difficult task I rushed home to have a warm meal with my parents...the warmth from the soup as well as the tenderness from the meat made all my worries slip away, a happy tummy leads to a happy mind.

Chapter 2

We all live to regret, regret not saying something, the regret of not being genuine or not working hard enough. In life, these regrets are what make us the people we are. I regret, regretting though. Regretting is part of human nature, but I've wasted so much of my time regretting that I question its worth.

time is way more valuable and should be spent doing the things you enjoy...

" You're here, Zamin already informed us about you, we can postpone your training," Zakira said pointing towards Owais

"my doctor said that I can continue training, I just have to be careful..." I replied

"Fine, this will be your sensei then...but since you are already familiar with Owais your coach will be sensei Omar. Good luck and take it easy."

" I will," I replied waiting for this so-called coach to arrive.

" Don't hold him back," Owais said following her.

What was that supposed to mean, a sensei needed to have a subordinate...it helped them understand their skill more.

Speaking of an Omar, I've only ever known one Omar in this lifetime. My high school sweetheart, or at least on my end...the rejection only sunk in after the fourth time. I left their training space as I waited in the fitness room for this mysterious Omar. If it were this boy I used to like so much in the past, then I wouldn't know how to deal with not being too awkward or acting like I'm still not hurt about it. Imagine getting rejected from the 8th grade right up till the 12th. It was one of the worst experiences I've had to deal with.

" let's start, 10 frog jumps and 15 laps," he said with a straight face

Not even a hello, or I'm hungry we should have sushi after this. He went straight into it, speak about not dealing with any non-sense, I followed the instruction, I was dead by the third lap and could hardly do a proper frog jump. After panting my lungs out I began to question if my fitness was the reason my knees felt so heavy. It worsened though, and I only had one water break after an hour. My core, legs and back were where it hurt the most and only, only after he saw he was about to kill me did the torture end. He began his training while I rested.

This certainly wasn't the high school Omar, this was some iced Viking dressed in an angelic demeanour. Heartless, silent and cold...but it isn't good to judge a book by its cover. It's good to keep things professional though so even if we hardly spoke I took it very lightly.

Later that day I went out with Zamin, he was going to announce another disappearance blueprint. It was normal by now, no one expected him to stay for this long.

"you must be hungry, should I order more food?" he asked holding out the menu

"im fine, what is it that you wanted to tell me."

"I got selected for the national team!" he said with a huge smile, "lunch is on me today."

pinch me, lord...

I squealed like a little squirrel forgetting that I was in public, after realizing how embarrassing I was I took my seat covering my face with the menu.

"I'm so happy for you, finally!" I whispered feeding him some of my food.

"there's bad news too.." he said awkwardly as he tried to swallow his food.

"what is it?" I asked looking into his eyes

"im leaving for a few years, 3 to be exact."

"oh...3 is quite the amount..."

I was a little upset by the arrangement and conditions but there wasn't much that could be done. I mean, being a man with one human leg the other artificial and still working hard with a physically damaged structure to achieve your dreams is something not many can do, that's why he is destined for glory.

"It's just 3 years," I say punching his shoulder,

"make us proud..."

After dropping him off at Owais's place I went over to the lake nearby. It wasn't much of a lake with all the global warming making rain as scarce as it can be. The beauty of the sky though was always something else, it was way more beautiful when I was younger. I called it 'my thinking place' it's was where I went to empty my thoughts. I never shared the place with anyone before, strangely on that night, I noticed my new sensei nearby. And the day after, he was there...in the exact place on time.

His mystery really got to me...I had never struggled to approach anyone before but he was just something else. Now I know

why curiosity almost killed the cat...

It takes approximately 21 days to get used to something. Even if we are reluctant to change. I do miss Zamin but I knew he was happy regardless of the separation.

Time is all I need to adapt to not having him around again...poor Saleema, she won't be too happy about it either.

Owais occasionally bought me lunch but was too busy training for nationals to give me any time so I spent most of my time investigating this sensei of mine.

Stalking his social media, checking his status...and what he was always up to. Nothing made sense though he was openly private. If that even made sense. There goes the saying that you can find everything online these days. The only solution left was to talk to him, which was prohibited unless it was necessary.

"I hope you've gotten used to me now," he said handing me my leg guards, " leg work..."

"leg work?"

"show me what type of kicks you had in taekwondo, I'll explain them in the kickboxing sense."

After a while of warming up, I proceed to the ring, effortlessly showcasing my leg work. Today's class was the longest and most silent, it got to me...class ended yet again with a cold shrug and a see you tomorrow.

this isn't as fun as I anticipated.

Omar took me to the lake that night after listening to me whine about my new instructor. he was a good listener even if I spoke rubbish most of the time.

"Do you know why I enjoy coming here all the time with a tub of strawberry ice cream?" I asked turning towards him

"Why?" he replied placing his cell down

"When I was younger I use to train with my father, his close friend and his son...near the water. I hated the sport so much at the time but that young boy always brought me strawberry ice cream so I looked forward to coming to class..."

"wait, sensei's rivals son?"

"jee owais, you have selective hearing, that is beside the point..."

" you mean Omar...your new instructor is this boy you always tell me about!" he said standing...

"Omar, I don't think that's what his name was at the time."

"he converted. I'll do class with you from now on..."

"you know your girlfriend won't allow that besides I think you're mistaken."

"for the last time I don't like Zakira...and I'm sure it's him, ask him if you think I'm lying and this ice cream is mine now."

"you can have it," I rolled my eyes at him watching him leave.

He arrived again that afternoon, this time with a few bread crumbs to feed the ducks.

" are you going to keep on pretending that you don't see me here every day as well?"

"boys and girls shouldn't freely interact with each other, especially if they are alone."

" are you sensei Jacqa's son..."

"jee I am."

" so, why pretend like you don't know me!"

"I did nothing of that sort, besides our fathers aren't on good terms anymore."

"This isn't about them, can you give me a direct answer for once..."

"and can you stop being so nosy?" he said turning his head towards me

"No!" I replied, " I won't, for someone who's brought meaning to something I hated at one stage, to someone who makes me feel like there's something wrong with me."

"you're just making up things now, I never said any of that. I'm leaving now, you feed the ducks," he said before pushing the packet into my arms before storming off.

"I do not want to feed your ducks!" I yelled, turning to the ducks.

Looks like I'll have to use public transport now. I don't even know what you'd call that, I'm not sure if it was a fight or a listen to me ignore you out loudly. I can't believe that I thought this was better than having to deal with a high school crush. At this point that would have been easier to resolve

Chapter 3

'Omar'

I think by now we've established that I am a man of a very few words... A man who's always overthinking.

" where are your plans today?" my father asked waking into my room, " Omar?" he repeated as he passed me my keys.

We lived in a penthouse, all his works. My mother passed away when I was younger so he was all I had. He served as my role model, my friend and most importantly helped me face many obstacles but what he did not understand is that I wasn't willing to go back to taekwondo no matter how much it meant to him or my mother...especially after realizing that it was the cause of many of the trials in our life.

"I have a new student to attend to these days, I'm just packing my gee."

"Can we talk about something ..." he said, walking towards me

"If this is about the upcoming nationals in taekwondo then we can't, I left the sport long ago...why do you still have to bring it up?" I said furiously zipping up my bag.

"I thought this kickboxing thing was just a phase, that you'll come back to your senses. You'll gain much more in taekwondo!"

" Dad...please just drop it. It doesn't matter anymore."

"it does and it always will... but it's your choice. sorry for raising my voice I just hoped that at least you of all your siblings would carry our legacy, you were such a bright boy..."

"I'll be late...see you after dinner."

"you're eating out again?"

"I have to prepare for the black belt gradings as well, don't wait up,"

I said leaving...

Sometimes it gets really tough to fight against my father especially since he's such a sincere man of which I never intended to hurt.

I arrived at the dojo and after a quick change went over to Zakira's office.

" she's waiting for you in the spare training room, she's the one I was telling you about," Zakira said pointing towards her

"Noted," I replied leaving the office, it was the biggest surprise ever.

You know that childhood crush that you admire while going to school...who eventually becomes the reason you enjoy school, I never thought I would see her after so many years.

She turned towards me, my mind already set towards one thing. Love at first glance I of course questioned if I were going insane but the entire room lit up immediately as she approached me. I had always admired her and tried my best to be near her before she moved away, i bet she doesn't remember anything though. We are all supposed to grow out of our puppy love phase but for a person who has never gone searching for love...I think we can all say that my destined lover has finally arrived.

And class after class it never got and easier. Trying to talk to her normally, not make my feelings look too obvious and not lashing out at her like I usually do with other students.

unfortunately, there's a rule that states not to mix pleasure with business and that women and men should never interact with each other unless necessary...so eventually I took up the role of the overbearing sensei who always looked upset and frustrated. The one who said very little and only listened. Then for some reason that lead to continuous quarrelling...

Looks like it's going to be a very interesting journey.

"you're awfully close to me these days, what happened to all the I'm busy's and maybe some other time," Owais asked tossing the equipment to me as I packed it.

" do you not want me here then," I replied attempting to leave."

"leave?

" what no, don't be so petty...I was just asking you a simple question. Anywho how's your junior class doing?"

"all is well..."

"and Elizah?" he said smirking

"don't start please, I should be asking you these questions. When do you finally get to have your own class?"

"im not sure, I told Zakira I don't mind being her Junior for a little longer though. After all, I'm still not ready to confess..."

"you're a bit open about yourself towards someone who you hardly know."

"the more people that know the better, besides...I know I can trust you and by the looks of it you'll be head over heels for my bestie Elizah soon."

"What makes you think that?"

"your socializing," he said patting my shoulder before leaving class.

Now I know why Elizah is always yelling at him. He is annoying. I hope I don't end up like him though, in a situationship( confused relationship).

Later that day I joined a few of my old buddies for lunch, they wanted to have a cheat day before going on a strict diet again...which is very essential before large competitions.

" This is the first time you've accepted my invitation since you left taekwondo," he

Said taking his seat next to me.

An old comrade that hardly socialized with me in the past was suddenly questioning me.

"you're my childhood friend I would never ditch you on purpose," I replied with a fake smile

"im going to pretend that I didn't hear any of that, so are you still not coming back..." he asked looking away

my father probably sent them...

" I don't understand why I have to always explain this phenomenon every single time. I'm not coming back, ever..."

" I was just asking... we all miss you terribly."

"I have to get ready for work, we'll meet up some other time."

"jee," he replied waving towards me.

That will be my last lunch with them...

I worked a few part-time jobs while I'm away from the dojo. I don't like spending money I don't make especially since I'm an adult now. A lot of people find my thinking old fashioned, but I just think that a wiser man is the one who does something for himself rather than depends on others to do it for him. Luckily my grandfather has always been around to pass on his wisdom...

drawing back to Elizah, I wouldn't say that I want to pursue her, for now at least, her company is all I really want. Even if it means pretending, I even stopped going to that pound since our ' friendly ' encounter the other day...that place will always hold a special in my heart it's where I usually go to lament over my mothers passing.

"Your home late again?" my father asked switching the lights on.

"I had to work, the restaurant was busy today."

"if you did taekwondo you would be earning enough to make a living."

" I hear that every day, I'm emotionally tired of those words now...please let it go already."

"I won't...I can't."

"then I'm moving out, I can't take it anymore...this is why I don't speak to any of my old friends anymore."

"you're being petty...you can't move out."

"I've made up my mind, just give me a few days to clear my things up.."I said rushing upstairs.

Yes, he was right, life would have been easier with me still being a taekwondo sensei, competing and carrying on his legacy. I wouldn't be this lonely, or tired. Maybe just maybe would I have been happy too, but to me, that's how one would choose to live a fake life. I'm tired of listening and watching and sitting...not doing anything about the constant reminder, I won't be able to move on if I choose to stay where I am.

I have thought about it for a while now...I want to change, I'm hungry for it.

I sat on the floor tossing my clothing into a bag as I furiously thought about all that have endured while staying here...i don't even know where to go.