I Just Can't Say Goodbye

She read the message on her phone without much fuss about it. Her need to keep up with preparing for their planned reunion with her high school batch took all her time lately. She accepted the task of tracking down those classmates who were not heard of ever since they graduated.

It was from Anthon, one of her classmates in her high school class.

From first to the fourth year, they shared one class as they both belonged to their school's forty elite students. They were specially selected and separated from the rest as the cream of the crop. Being exposed to rigid and advanced training, they were the school's frontier for different academic competitions at their level.

"Hi, Jia! Have you come up with something?" He was asking about a new plan that she may have thought about. But his intentions were clear enough to her as crystals in broad daylight.

"Should you need any help, don't hesitate to call me."

She grabbed her phone this time and thanked him. A smile curved in her lips as her thoughts brought her back fifteen years ago...

_____

He was tall, bronze-skinned, and handsome. They were not close friends, but he would often find time to sit beside her during lunchtime and talked about anything.

However, she wished the opposite. She badly wanted him to get away from her sight as she was deeply engrossed in finishing up the chapters of her Danielle Steel or Sidney Sheldon's editions. These books just kept her sleepless all the time.

At other times, she just wanted to settle down in a corner and sleep on an armchair. While she maintained her diligence in her studies, she couldn't just set aside her consuming obsession with reading. She could last three consecutive sleepless days and nights just to finish a thousand -paged book.

However, she could not deny that there were sparks in his eyes meant only for her and the hidden truth that there was also a special affection that grew within her for him that no one knew about - even him.

Although she was aloof the entire year, Anthon always found time to be with her. He was so good at choosing those topics that tore out her defenses eventually. She may not be aware of it, but later she realized that she had already given her trust in him. So then, confidential matters about herself became easier for her to confide in.

He was a great listener, not opinionated. He knew when to butt in and knew when to keep silent. Little did she realize that she had already fallen, most especially when he started to offer a shoulder for her to cry on during her most vulnerable moments.

She may be reluctant to admit it, but her routine chat with him made her look forward to it every day. As her growing confidence reached its peak, a special affection deep within her heart began to grow. She saw the sparks in his eyes and knew that it's every flicker matched the leaps in her heart. She came to believe that their feelings were mutual, but neither of them dared to admit it even after their graduation day.

One day, just when she thought that a deep affection had finally blossomed in both of their hearts, he came to shatter it, instead.

"How's my beautiful friend?" he greeted, mumbling his usual line every time he approached her.

He was towering in height though his muscles had not perfected yet into a young man's ideal body mass. However, in her eyes, he was stunning.

"Jia, something's troubling me these days. I want to confess ut to you ...but before that, I want to thank you first for coming into my life. With you around, I have finally found someone to share my life with."

Share his life with? Is he going to say it now? Is he finally going to say those words she had been imagining and hearing in her dreams?

All of a sudden, her heart fluttered that she could no longer bring herself to look into his eyes. It throbbed even harder when she imagined him ahead, saying, "I love you, Jia..."

Finally...

The sudden rush of thrill made the pounding of her heart increased a mile per second. How would she respond?

"Anthon, the feeling is mutual. I love you as well..."

"Damn it," she cursed herself inwardly. Why couldn't her heart calm down?

While it took her a great effort to relax, she slowly replied while fixing her gaze into her hands.

"What is it, Anthon?"

Anthon gently held her hand that she was forced to steal a glance into his eyes. It was warm, and she was thrilled even more. It sent a stronger sensation into her core and made her plunge into more intense excitement.

Anthon was about to say it...

He had long been waiting for this chance. But his doubts and insecurities overpowered him. Instead of saying those lines he had been mastering for days, he quickly changed it into a lie. He wanted to see her reaction to the rumors spreading around.

"Jia, I am in a relationship with... Ayanna."

Ayanna had been chasing and flirting with him all those years. She, herself, was responsible for spreading out the rumors that they were already in a relationship. Jia had also heard about it.

Upon hearing him, her world came crumbling down in just a second. It fell too heavily, crashing painfully into her heart. It was a confirmation of what she had already heard about. But what made it even worse was that he was the one confirming it.

She almost cried.

Emotionally battered, she somehow gathered her courage quickly and pretended to be unaffected.

"You love her?" she blurted foolishly, something she regretted right away. What right did she have to ask about it?

His reply was odd and confusing.

"I don't know. All I know is I'm in love with someone else."

That was too much! That was just too shattering. She thought she already knew him enough. She presumed that their friendship made her understand who he was. And all she knew was his sincerity in all things. Who would have thought that he gets himself entangled with many girls? Who was that 'someone else'?

She had no right to feel this way. She did not own him. She may be the most brilliant young lady on the whole campus, but she did not possess the beauty of Ayanna, the campus belle.

Didn't it matter most? Men always prefer beauty over intelligence. She may be confused at his confession about loving someone else despite having a relationship with another, she did not ask about it anymore. What would she get from asking? Would it be a way to win him back? Of course, not. She'd rather keep her silence and keep the pain to herself rather than being humiliated over her foolish assumption. She could never face the shame, if ever.

Amazed with herself for the courage she mustered, she further pretended.

"I'm happy for you, Ton. You have my support."

"You will not ask me about anything? About Ayanna and the rumors? "

"It's enough. I understand."

He stared into her eyes with confusion and pain, but he lost the courage to explain. Perhaps because she looked unaffected. Probably because he had confirmed through her reaction that he, indeed, had no place in her heart. He was right after all; in her eyes, he was just a mere friend. Little did he know that he broke Jia's heart. Those insecurities he had felt, she also felt the same.

After that day, she went home during lunchtime. During their dismissal in the afternoon, she would also hurry up to go ahead of everyone. When she couldn't, she would hide somewhere until she was sure that he had already left.

Days passed by swiftly, and she noticed that he did not care about her anymore. There were a few times that they were brought close to each other through some class activities. Yet, he seemed to have forgotten entirely that once in their lives, they became special friends.

Jia quickly stood up as if to shake off her most unwanted thoughts. After all, those were poignant memories that became irrelevant to the current status of her triumph against failures and sadness; and against loss and frustrations. High school life is such a silly period of unnecessary frustrations and infatuations, entangled by role confusions as defined by theorists of the stages of growth and development.

However, what started as an infatuation bloomed silently into strong emotion. It grew through her irresistible urge to follow him at a distance. She constantly communicated with Jay, her best friend, who gave her everyone's updates in their group. Though she suddenly disappeared and had not been heard of for ten years, her life was still an open book for Jay to read aloud.

Through her, she knew the whereabouts of the five of them in their group, from the minutest detail to the broadest facts. And, of course, the full details of Anthon's life, which became her weekly bread.

Little did she know that Jay relayed to Anthon everything she confessed to her.

Obliviously, her thoughts went back to an event 15 years ago.

______

"Jia, make room for my arrival next week. I want the six of us to be there. Don't ever plan to make excuses," a message suddenly popped out from her phone.

"Where? Is he coming?" she replied, stifling her excitement.

"Blue Whale Mountain Resort."

She knew that the place was situated on top of a mountain several kilometers away from the city. Her concern was that it would be difficult for her to go without her own vehicle because of the distance. She felt insecure at this thought alone while the rest of them had already reached the pinnacle of success.

"I think I am not going. I don't belong there."

"I have no time to argue with you, but you really have to be there. Don't be silly. My family will be moving to Australia, and I cannot figure out how long we will be back. See you there, my love."

It seemed that she could not escape from her best friend's request.

Her dying self-esteem pressed on her again like festering wounds that throbbed endlessly and painfully. She was the only one being left who had not yet succeeded in their chosen field. All of them had families of their own already except Anthon. Mira and Sheila were teachers who became directors in each of their institutions, and Jay became one of the highest-paid accountants in the city. Eventually, she got married to a foreign businessman.

On the other hand, Liz was completing her medical residency but was married to a US-based surgeon. Anthon became a successful engineer who got long-term contracts with the largest shipping industry in the country.

What about her? She was still expecting luck would be so kind to her as her prayer to finish a college education was still very vague. She may have intermittent semestral enrollments, but due to financial scarcity, she got no other choice than to stop and, reluctantly, found herself working at a textile factory.

During her regular phone chats with Jay, she could not help herself from hurting. Success and opportunities apparently evaded her. She was obliged to support her sick parents due to heart failure and stroke impairments. She was an only daughter. Thus, she could not risk stopping a year from focusing on her studies. During her intermittent college years, she also engaged in part-time jobs to be able to support them.

She may have the beauty and the brain, but her fate of being born to a poverty-stricken family was beyond her control. With this, her self-esteem went so low that even an inspiring love affair with someone else had no place in her plans.

Somehow, she had a rare attitude of consoling herself. She was good at making myriad and diverse wild imaginations a reality for herself and, thus, find comfort and hope in it. In her make-believe world, she scripted a series of events that would eventually lead her to Anthon's life.

Her constant nurturing of these thoughts made the feeling so intense that she rejoiced upon knowing that he had not tied himself to someone else yet.

Why was he not married yet? Could it be that he was also waiting for her? The thought would always flatter her. Anyway, it was just an imagination, and no one would punish her for doing that.

It was being said that one's dreams in the night could be the images that run through the mind during the daytime. Perhaps because her fantasy of him was her means of escaping from life's pressure and frustrations, she kept thinking about him. In her mind, she would create different stories of their meeting like a novelist who could write different fictional chapters to complete an inspiring book.

And every night, she would see him in her dreams, holding and kissing her.

Her reverie was put to a halt when her phone rang. It was Anthon again.

"Can I give you the details personally? I already have the list with me."

She asked him a day before to gather contact information about their unheard classmates. She didn't have enough time to do that, so she welcomed his offer to lighten up her load.

The time had not ripened yet to present her case to him. She wanted to develop their friendship again first, to dispel their awkwardness. Perhaps, through constant communication with him, she would succeed.

"Don't waste your time, Anthon. You may send it to me through a private message."

"If you won't allow me into your house, I'll wait for you at Gee's Coffee Shop. On my way there."

"Okay, then."

She could trust herself this time, she thought. Her emotional strength had hardened through time and constant mighty storms.

She looked at her watch. It's time to pick up her five-year-old boy at school. So, she decided to pick him up first and bring him along to meet Anthon. Anyway, he could not care less about the child, and there was no way he would find out.

He was already there when she arrived and prepared a table beside a window that opened up to a mini garden outside. The whole place was quiet, and even the smiles of the attendants were wordless. Her gaze was captivated by the serenity of the scene and the lush leaves outside. Beautiful flowers were perfectly arranged with expertise that the garden appeared like a romantic paradise. There was a tinge of pain welling up inside her. Such a stunning place like this would always bring back the sense of sadness she thought she had successfully thrown away.

Anthon, on the other hand, stared at her intensely. He noticed that her looks had not matured according to her age. She had the type of beauty which intensified as one would look at her intensely. It was not stunning but captivating. She was still as calm as she was 15 years ago. Her brilliance naturally emanated from the sharpness of the way she looks at anything. Her soft and graceful ways of carrying herself were still dominant about her - the same attributes he had loved about this girl before.

Absorbed by her melancholy as she used to be, he got the perfect chance to study the features of the woman of her dreams before. Until this moment, he was still wondering why she took her distance from all of them and disappeared without a trace.

An attendant came over to take their orders, so he was forced to break her away from whatever thoughts she engulfed herself with. He reached out for her hand over the table and covered it with his. The warmth suddenly brought her out to her senses.

"Coffee or tea? " He smiled shyly as if he was guilty of disturbing her.

"House blend, please. Sorry, Ton. I got lost in my thoughts."

"It's alright, but I am jealous of that person who just took your mind away in front of me," Anthon joked, a big grin broke on his face.

"You never changed. You're always good at flatteries. It's good that I had never fallen into your trap," Jia chuckled in her lie, thinking Anthon would not understand.

A smile curved into his lips. "How's my beautiful friend throughout these years?"

Though she came out lately from her shell, she never told anyone about herself. Somehow, she allowed to be added to their batch's group chat and surprisingly agreed to help in their plan for a reunion.

"I have a very blessed life like you do and a precious son."

"Where is your husband? You never mentioned him in our GC."

"He's somewhere out there," she laughed.

Anthon understood that she was not ready yet to disclose anything about herself. He was very good at respecting other's privacy ever since their high school years.

It was the reason why he succeeded in walking into her heart. His listening skills and his immensely considerate trait broke down the walls that Jia placed between them before.

Suddenly, a boy burst out from the entrance and yelled as he ran towards them, "Mommy, I want cheesecake."

Jia waved a hand to the woman who accompanied his son, and she quickly understood and left.

"No hugs and kisses for me?" she exclaimed in a sulking tone as he cuddled the boy.

He was strikingly handsome, and the features of his eyes were similar to someone. Then, Jia glanced at Anthon and said,

"Baby, say hi to Uncle Anthon."

Her son suddenly sprang up from his feet, stared into his eyes for a long time, then suddenly hugged Anthon tightly. Anthon quickly hugged the cute bundle back, although his brows furrowed. That was so sudden that Jia and Anthon were both caught by surprise!

After a while, the boy loosened from his tight embrace and blurted out something that caught Jia off-guard.

"Mom, tell me, is he my dad?"