I Found Love at Thirty Two

I woke up feeling the warmth of the sun embracing my nakedness. I found my belt, necktie, and pants all over the place together with "her" lingerie.

I got up and checked my wrist watch. I needed to wake up at six in the morning to meet a client at eight but ended up waking quarter to 12.

I don't know, but yes, I did it again. I tried so hard not to bring someone in my unit but I let my guard down and succumb to the pleasure of doing "it" with a print ad model I met last night.

There is always a thrill hearing women scream my name. It makes me feel loved, important, appreciated. It is as if I have a skill to make women ecstatic and the feeling of being free and taking control is surreal.

I got my phone and dialed Aaron's number. Aaron is my business partner who used to be a drinking buddy.

Meeting him was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. You see, I grew up with a lot of insecurities being a young boy, with fair skin, with Caucasian missionary parents. I always have questioned my identity until I found out that I am a Filipino, abandoned by my father when I was still in my mom's womb. My mom died while giving birth to me and I was adopted by my parents who brought me to Australia. My parents were benefactors of a foundation who helps single moms who got pregnant out of marriage.

We grew up together. Aaron's family migrated when he was 10. We would always play and study together. He taught me how to speak and understand Tagalog but still I would have a hard time paminsan minsan.

Eventually, when we reached 17, we started experimenting and enjoying engaging in casual "night out" with various women but now that he is engaged to the lady he fell head over heels with, it is just me alone bar hopping, checking out woman I'd be attracted to and taking her as my own. As long as I feel the attraction, I'd find a way to get her clothes off her body.

"William, don't come up with some lame excuses. I bet the therapy is not helping you at all. Man, you missed an important meeting and you lost the deal Ano ba gising ka ba? Isa kang malaking G***!"

I pictured Aaron hitting his table and throwing crumpled papers randomly. I know he is mad and every time he is mad, he curses in Tagalog as if I don't understand.

"Pare, please understand. I was doing okay for the past 3 days with therapy but yesterday was different."

"Yeah I know. When you told me you'd seek professional help, I know you'd fail. Man, your hormones are always ready, but common, please know how to prioritize, this deal is something important!"

"I'm really sorry. Just, just give me another chance."

"Whatever you say. Get your a** here in the office if you want our business to fly. If not, just forget about it and yeah, waste the two years we've worked hard for, no I mean, I've worked hard for!"

He put down the phone and I was left staring blankly at my ceiling. I combed my hair through my hands. Aaron is right.

Dalawang taon nang nakalilipas mula nang maisipan naming umuwi ng Pilipinas para dito magtayo ng sarili naming negosyo. Mahirap kasi sa Australia lalo at mataas ang kompetisyon. Isa pa, gusto ko ring takasan ang mga magulang ko dahil alam kong masasaktan lang sila if they'd know the things I've been doing.

I feel bad about last night but I didn't have a choice.

That woman I met at the grocery store yesterday awakened the desire I tried to hold for 3 days and yeah, we were not even in a bar. We were at a grocery story, a place where you can set aside sensual thoughts but I was not able to control mine.

She was wearing a rather plain dress hugging every curve of her body. Pareho kaming nasa canned goods section nang mahagip siya ng mga mata ko. She was checking every label, reading them and biting her lips from time to time.

Ewan ko ba, naisip ko, mas okay siguro kung ako na lang ang kakagat sa mga labi niya.

I tried to put away my thoughts but my body has betrayed me. When I saw her moving to the Noodles section, I found my cart moving to her direction.

Mabuti na lang at ginawa ko dahil kung hindi baka napaano na siya.

Biglang nagbagsakan yung mga noodles mula sa standee at naramdaman ko na lang ang sarili kong tumakbo papalapit sa kanya.

She was so shocked kaya nabitawan niya ang phone niya at nagtalsikan ang mga parts nito. I looked into her eyes at pinilit na maging normal.

***

"Are you okay dear?"

She didn't answer but just stared at me.

"Hey, okay ka lang?"

"Thank you for the help. I better go."

"Not so fast miss. I mean can we grab a cup of coffee or something?"

"Huh?"

"You know. Payment for being a Good Samaritan."

"Ahmmmm".

That ahmmmmm nailed it. Konting konti na lang talaga. Konting konti na lang.

"Mama, look at what I've found."---- May cute na batang babaeng tumakbo papalapit sa amin at nalungkot ako na isiping may pamilya na pala siya. Akala ko naman, pwede siya. Akala ko.

Kahit na mahilig ako sa mga casual night outs, hinding hindi ako pumapatol sa may asawa. Mali na nga ang ginagawa ko, ayoko ng dagdagan pa. I can have pleasure doing it with single women. Yung walang attachment.

"Who is he po mama?"

Hinila ng bata ang damit niya na siyang naging dahilan para bumukas ng bahagya ang butones ng dress niya. I didn't stare but I saw that she is wearing a black brassiere with with laces.

"Hello princess. Where's your papa?"---Pinilit kong magpakasaya para hindi halatang apektado ako sa mga nangyayari.

"Why are you my mama's boyfriend?"

Di ko napigilang mapangiti. Her daughter is so protective of her.

"We better leave. Thank you for helping me."

With that, she grabbed her child and left me in need.

***

That night, I ended up partying again and met this model. Malakas ang pakiramdam ko kapag gusto ako ng babae at alam kong gusto niya ko. I just had to release the tension the "grocery lady" has caused me. I invited the model over to my unit and did it.

I screwed up. If I continue doing this, wala nang magbabago sa buhay ko. Pero ibang klase lang talaga. Pakiramdam ko sa tuwing nagagawa ko yun, malaya ako. All my life I grew up being told what to do and what not to do. Restricted ang lahat ng kilos ko hanggang I started living two lives---one that is pleasing my missionary parents and the other pleasing myself.

Last week though, nagising ako na may nagsasabi sa aking kailangan kong kumilos at baguhin ang buhay ko lalo at hindi na ako bata. I turned 29 last month. Naisip kong humanap ng tulong. I started my therapy pero 3 days palang, nahulog akong muli.

"Hey sweetie, last night was awesome."

Nagulat ako na nandito pa pala ang babaeng to at suot pa ang damit ko.

"Why are you wearing my polo? Get yourself off that?!"

Hinubad nga niya ang damit ko. Pero sa halip na suotin niya ang damit niya, lumapit siya sa akin at hinalikan ako. I kissed back and pushed her away.

"I only do it once with every woman and were done."

"But sweetie.."

"I am giving you 10 minutes to pack your things and leave or I can call the security and let them drag you away."

She smiled and got her things, including my polo.

"Just let me keep this lover boy."

She banged the door and left me alone. I closed my eyes and tried to find peace.

Is there still a way out for me Lord?

I put on my hoodie and wore my gray tinted shades before leaving the center.

It's not that I am ashamed of seeking help but the thought of people seeing me leaving a Counseling Center freaks me out. Paano na lang kung kakilala ko sila? Paano kung kilala sila ng mga magulang ko? At kuhanan nila ako ng picture?

Paano kung husgahan nila ako sa kung sino ako?

Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko kapag may nakakita sa aking kakilala ako, iiwasan nila ako at lalayuan at ayokong mangyari yun. I still want to remain as the wholesome guy lalong lalo na para sa mata ng parents ko. I don't want to hurt them kaya kahit nandito na ako sa Pilipinas, I try to do my "fun nights" discreetly at si Aaron lang ang nakaalam ng lahat ng lihim ko. At I don't disclose any of my identity. I don't give my name to any of them. Yung iba nga, akala Im a pure Australian at nagpa-tan lang kaya iba ang kulay ng balat ko.

I transfer condos every now and then so there's no way out that my one night stands will end up in any kind of relationship. The model last night, I am pretty sure she will have a hard time remembering how to get to my condo. She was all overly crazy about me and I know I didn't fail satisfying her every fantasies. We started "chilling" in my car and ended gasping for breath in my bed.

My Counselor, Dr. Gomez said that what happened last night is normal. Di naman daw talaga ganun kadali ang magbago. It's a continuous process at hindi pwedeng isang tulog lang eh maayos na ang lahat. Ang mahalaga raw, may goal ako sa sarili ko.

He asked me to write down my goals in life which I took picture at ngayon nga eh wallpaper ng phone ko. This will help me raw stay focus with what I want myself to become and to make it easier for me to remember, I outlined in down using my name and here it goes:

- Welcome a new me!

- Jump off from my old self!

- Renew William Joseph Robinson.

*Signed WJR

If Aaron would see this, I know he would laugh at me. Kahit ako naman I doubt if I could really do this but I'm giving myself a chance.

I still see myself settling down with the woman I would be both sexually and emotionally attracted with. I just don't know if that would even happen.

Ang sabi noon sa Sunday school namin, Love is patient. Love is kind. Pero di sa amin tinuro noon na love is painful too. My biological mother's love caused her to fall for the man who abandoned her but even if she knew that it would be hard for her, her love for the child in her womb kept her moving forward until she gave life to me and lost her own.

Pag-ibig. Meron nga bang taong handa akong mahalin kahit na kung sino pa ako?

I turned on my stereo and found myself singing with Cliff Richard's Ocean Deep---

Love, can't you see I'm alone

Can't you give this fool a chance

A little love is all I ask

A little kindness in the night.

I opted to change the station and settled with an upbeat song. Hindi ko na muna iisipin ang pag-ibig. Ang mahalaga mabago ko muna ang sarili ko.

***

"What? Fifty thousand pesos?"

"Yes. You heard me right William. You'll deposit Fifty thousand every time you'd do it."

"That's unfair!"

Nakita kong napangiti si Aaron sa naging reaction ko. I am now in the office and have changed into my business attire. Ang sabi niya, para raw talaga ako magbago, dapat may kapalit na malaking halaga ang "kabaliwan" ko.

"And because you did it last night and you missed an important meeting, you have to give me your keys."

"Ano? Pero bakit naman ang susi ng kotse ko?!"

"So that you cant do bar hopping. Tingnan lang natin kung makaalis ka pa kung wala kang kotse."

"Pare. I promise. I wont mess up the meeting next time."

"Seryoso?"

"For real pare. Ill do anything to close that client."

"Okay. Then visit this place."

Aaron handed me a flyer of a church na may nakasulat na "GOT QUESTIONS?" tapos sub caption ng God is the answer. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong mainis. Alam na alam naman ni pare na I try to move away from religious stuff dahil alam kong I am not "clean enough" to face Him.

"Pare, are you telling me to visit this place? Look, I left my parents back in Australia dahil hindi ako makahinga tapos you are asking me to be in here?"

"Yes. The owner of the studio is from this church and she basically spends most of her time in here apart from teaching in a university and volunteering in an orphanage."

"Wow pare! Kelan ka pa naging NBI Agent?"

"Pare, she is single."

"So?"

"Im just saying, don't mess up with her and ruin the business deal."

"I won't go to that church pare. Just let me close the deal my way."

"It's up to you. Kahit kelan, ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo. I have to leave you in here for a while. I have to do some things for Bianca."

"Alright, pero pwede bang bukas mo na lang kunin ang susi ng kotse ko? May.. may ihahatid lang ako sa hotel."

"Look at you. I thought you are trying to move away from temptation."

"Pare, its Angeline. She knows that I don't like her even if she is hot. I mean, looking at her, I don't think we are sexually compatible. I'll just drive her from the airport to the hotel. Kawawa naman eh."

"Siguraduhin mo lang pare."

"Don't worry. I have more than Fifty thousand in my account just in case I break my promise again."

Umalis si Aaron ng umiiling iling. Kapag talaga si Bianca na ang nangailangan sa kanya, nagkakandarapa umalis. Ganito nga ba talaga ang love?

Muli kong hinawakan ang flyer na bigay ni Aaron at binasa ang caption ng isa sa mga picture dun---- Pastor David Kang and with his wife Maggie Kang , a love that is made to last.

Binasa ko ang maikling testimonial nung Pastor Kang at aaminin ko, may naramdaman akong lungkot sa puso ko. Pakiramdam ko, napakaperfect ng pamilya nila. Sana, magkaroon din ako ng ganoon balang araw.

A family---one big family.

The thought of a family made me remember the grocery lady's angelic face and almost perfect body at naramdaman kong sumikip ng konti ang pantalon ko.

Nasisiraan na nga yata ako ng bait. She has a child and for sure married but why am I thinking about her again?

I turned on my laptop and launched youtube and searched for Social Media Marketing Strategies, focusing on how to use Facebook and Twitter to expand one's business. Mag-aaral na lang ako paano lumago ang negosyo namin. I know I have to stop thinking about her and imagining her on my bed, begging me to take her.

Social Media Marketing is a good tool to touch base with your target market especially that most of the time, people are hooked with their Facebook, Twitter or IG accounts almost every second possible.

What you have to do though is to make your company's accounts desirable and get them to notice you.

DESIRABLE.

Yeah. Right.

Una ko pa lang siyang nakita, naramdaman ko ng bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, mas mabilis kumpara sa nararamdaman ko kapag nakakakita ako ng mga babaeng I would think I am sexually compatible with.

That lady in the grocery story is in every angle desirable even if she didn't try to.

I closed my eyes and tried to get her off my mind pero ewan ko ba, hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isip ko na kung wala siyang anak, siguro we could have enjoyed our night together. I could have felt her nails buried in my back and her legs wrapped in my body.

Alam kong mali ang pagnasahan ang hindi akin at ang hindi magiging akin pero hindi ko maiwasan. Siguro okay lang naman mag day dream ako ng kasama siya. Total, hindi na rin naman kami magkikita.

I unbuckled my belt and put down my zipper. I just have to get this thought out of my system and by doing this; I'd give myself the satisfaction that I need.

I was about to explore my "own" self when I heard someone knocked. Dali-dali kong inayos ang pantalon ko at muling sinuot ang coat ko. I opened the door and saw Angeline right infront of me, wearing a spaghetti strapped blouse revealing her cleavage, but unlike before when I would see cleavage, my friend down there didn't feel anything. Parang mas gusto pa nitong mag-isa ako at i-imagine ang grocery lady na kasama ko.

"You seem a little upset seeing me here honey! No welcome hug?"

"Because I was supposed to welcome you in the airport and bring you to your hotel. Why are you here my lady? Why are you trying to seduce me?"

"I was just excited to see you and show you this!"---She pointed both of her hands to her breasts and added, "I had this done because I hope I'd be desirable enough for you."

DESIRABLE.

Yeah.

Right in front of me is a supposedly desirable lady but I have not felt the urge to kiss her or take her.

"Angeline, we are friends. You know that."

"Yeah, sometimes, I wish that I am just a stranger to you, maybe you'd see me as a woman."

"Geline."

"Is there no way out that we can be more than friends?"

"You are like a sister to me."

"There you go again William. I am young but that doesn't mean I can't be your lover."

Nilapitan ako ni Geline at bahagyang kiniskis ang mukha niya sa dibdib ko. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya kaya bigla ko siyang naitulak. Apart from being not sexually compatible with her, I just don't see her as a woman. She is like a sister to me.

Akala ko nga magagalit siya sa akin pero nagkamali ako. She clapped her hands and smiled.

"I'm proud of you brother! You've made it!"

"Made what?"

"Kuya Aaron told me about you seeking help. Glad to know that Kuya."

Geline hugged me like what we used to do back in Australia. She is also a pastor's child and a Filipina. Parehong missionary ang mga parents namin and we both sort of struggle with our lives. Mahirap kasi kapag mataas ang expectation ng tao sa yo. Nakakasakal kaya you try to find your own identity apart from your parents. You want to break free. At dahil pareho kami ng struggles, bukod kay Aaron, it's Geline who knows how active my sexual life is.

Actually, there was even a time that we almost did it out of our drunkenness. Mabuti na lang at dumating si Aaron at ginising kami sa pansamantala naming kabaliwan.

She opened her luggage and got a big shirt and wore it.

"Move around Kuya."

"Huh?"

"I'll change into this."

Geline showed me a skirt longer than what she is wearing, a skirt that would pass the skirt of old maids.

Okay. That's an exaggeration, the skirt is below the knee, the same length of dress that the grocery lady wore. And now that I remember her again, I felt the sudden change of my body temperature.

I moved around and faced the wall hoping that she'd be done pretty soon so I can get out of my office and see other things and set my thoughts to other stuff and not about that lady.

"Ready to go to my hotel."

Good thing Geline broke the silence as I'm about to imagine things again.

"How'd you like it Kuya?"

Umikot ako and I was shocked with what I saw. There are no traces anymore of the Angeline I used to party with, but rather, what I saw is a different Angeline. Ibang iba sa dating Angeline na kilala ko.

I tried to control my smile but I wasn't able to. Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko at tumingin sa ceiling ng office.

"Kuya, God's grace is overflowing."

"I don't know."

"You'll realize that soon but I won't force you. I just pray that you'll find in your heart the joy that I found when I surrendered my life to Him."

"Let's just go to the gym and not talk about God's grace Geline. I don't think I am good enough to receive that grace, whatever that is."

"Kuya, you know that very well.."

"I said let's just go to the gym and not talk about grace."

"What do we do there? You are supposed to bring me to my hotel!"

"Yeah. I guess I just have to be like you."

"What do you mean kuya?"

" Make myself look less desirable. I will cancel my membership. Hindi ko na pagagandahin ang katawan ko para girls won't run after me. Kapag di na maganda ang katawan ko at wala na tong abs ko, I will not be desirable anymore. Girls will stay far from me and by then, I'd be able to focus on our business."

"That's not true. Change comes from God and not from our own efforts."

"You'd join me or I'll leave you here?"

I turned off my laptop and left Geline in my office.

I don't think God will be extending his grace to me. I don't deserve that grace at all and I don't want to hear anything about it anymore.