His To Claim

I will always be with you. Those were her last words to me, to us. And it still doesn't fill the void her absence left. Nothing ever hit deep like the way she just left. We knew the end was near, damn she knew and it hurt still. Truthfully, I don't want to be here, be here at the end. I have always felt this was the last straw for me to draw out my emotions to this grief. Everybody kept giving us words of assurance that all will be well. Some go as far as saying, I know how you feel.

Do you? That's the only question, to counter back at their comments in my mind, even if I know it was all just harmless. I remember so many trips to the hospital, the late classes and late nights just to make sure she stays alive, for her, for us. Chemo was the worst, yet she fought. We thought she was better, at least going to be better. I mean, we always thought she would be better, that was just optimistic self-talk. Did God have other plans? Yes obviously, considering where we are right now. I felt her slipping for the first time when the Doctor told us that was the last resort. I saw myself walking on eggshell, but it was how she spent her last days or should I say last months. She was at peace and more concentrated on making meaningful moments, yet time kept running out of her reach. Until she couldn't hold on any longer. Knowing Judy, the guilt swept the smiles off her face now. The strength she showed these past few days was scary that I was constantly checking in. We waited long after she was laid to kiss earth goodbye, the sky threatened to rain as the clouds were already closing in, but we didn't care. "You know, days ago, during her wake, I couldn't bring myself to look at her." Judy said, as we sat before Mom's tombstone staring into the blanks. I sighed not because of the sadness but because I was speechless and it was making the air unbearable for me. "Because I was consumed by guilt Cami. I knew she would be at peace but I kept imagining her disappointment. I imagined her shaking her head in shame." she palmed her face as she sniffed into her arms. I tried to console her but I guess I suck at trying to ease pain. I couldn't ease Mom's pain, who am I kidding that I could ease hers, her guilt and all of the sadness, when I'm feeling it too. "It's okay Judy." I tried to say. "No it's not Cami. You've always been there and I wasn't. I guess I couldn't show up from nowhere pretending to care when I didn't try to be there from the start. I saw how you took care of her. You gave up half of your life to be there, and..." "And nothing." I interrupted. "Actually she understood why you were away. There's no need to beat yourself up, you were there at her last moments and that should count for something, right?" I gave her a wistful smile as I stared at those big blue eyes that glistened with tears. Enough tears that counted as flood, she kept sobbing. Mom has been battling cancer for nearly a year now. When we first got the news I remember the serenity she inhibited all of a sudden. It wasn't what I expected, it was then I realised she had always known, she hid it from us until it was time for chemo. But Judy and I didn't take it lightly, but it was futile trying to be mad over the inevitable that came in the worst way possible, through cancer. I wonder what she felt when she constantly thought of herself dying. She hated that I was always around, to witness her that way and pressured me to get a life, like my twin Judy. Judy on the other hand, couldn't be around as she chased the life she wanted for herself, so jogging between availability, work and school wasn't the best idea for her, especially for her kind of person that needed the utmost concentration and interest. She couldn't afford to be distracted, that I felt left out. I wish she was around and I got so annoyed each time she called. Although, she didn't just abandon us, she checked in every time and Mom was content, found it sweet even though she cared but she couldn't feel that care in the warmth her daughter could give. At first, deep down, I wanted her to feel the pain, the guilt but it was selfish. Since that's all I could give in to now. Sometimes I wonder, what's the use of all this pain, when we can't even share it with the one person we are feeling it for. Death they say is true to its cause, the truth was staring in front of us but we didn't want to accept it. Not just me, Judy as well. I understood it all, all her grave emotions that it made her feel empty, us empty How could we have love, only for it to be snatched away from us. Nothing can be more petrifying than that. I'm glad all of Judy's hard work did pay off, now she has graduated, she was trying to contemplate the next step. She said something about a plan but that wasn't what I was interested in, not now. Judy leaned her head gently on my shoulder, as she sniffed once every few minutes. The clouds were slowly becoming darker yet we stayed watching. "Although I wonder, would we be okay? Now that we are officially orphans." I said with a sadistic tone. "You know Mom has always had things figured out, that we didn't have to struggle much. She did all the struggling that I fear for us, you know, surviving on our own." she sighed, giving it a thought for a moment. "We will." She sounded confident that I wondered what her plan entailed, that no sign of worry flew out of her tongue or made her eyes weary as it used to. "How can you be so sure?" " That's because I know we will get through this. It may not be a phase, but we will learn to cope with it." she squeezed me into a tight hug as she kissed my cheeks. *** It didn't just rain after we left the graveyard, it poured just as we got home. It took time before Judy walked her way inside the house, so it hurt me to see her that way. She explained that her heart sank each time she saw the house, each time she stepped inside. It showed I have to be strong because I could relate, it had nothing to do with the pain, it's just not being able to contain too much grief that it hurt bad for her, mine wasn't so good. I was not exactly prepared but I expected the worst but not this way. We tried to eat cereal, but I couldn't pass mine down my throat that it burned. I looked up to Judy, but she was playing with her food and she was able to chew nothing. Phillip was in town already and he stopped by for the funerals but had to see a friend and he was back at the house. Judy bumped into him and cried and all he could do was console her. He asked about my well-being and I gave him the usual reply. Condolences were still at the tip of his tongue, just as when he first arrived from Seattle to see Judy. I saw the love between these two and yes, it dawned on me that it existed. There was so much affection in his eyes that it hurt for him to see Judy hurting too. I knew when she told Mom about him and I didn't know he was just as carefree as her, just as she said. Too bad Mom never got to meet him, just maybe she would have loved him. "I want to talk to you Cami?" I was already up in my room when she called me out of my trance. I didn't know when she came through the door that was slightly ajar. There was no need to lock myself indoors, since it was just the two of us now. Ever since I had to take care of Mom, I always left it open just in case she needed to come in as she pleased, which she did. Her disease brought a lot of loneliness and she couldn't have it. "Alright." I nodded as I gestured for her to spill. She sat close to me on my single bed and I sat up. Suddenly, worry filled her eyes. I could only wonder what it was that she wanted to say that made her face fold. "So I got a job as an editor for a fashion magazine." "That's awesome Judy." I smiled and was really happy for her. I knew she had always wanted this. " Thank you." she said. For some reason this news didn't seem to thrill her. "What's wrong? Is this not what you wanted?" "It is, but it's in Seattle."My heart pulled, she's leaving again. So you are leaving again." It was more of a statement than a question. She shook her head, coming closer to me as fast as she could. "Not this time. You see, Phillip has offered for me to come stay with him over in Seattle, but I want you to come with me." she gently put her hands on mine as she explained. Say what? "I have never left here before. So it's a bit of a difficult choice to leave everything." "I know Cami, but think of the opportunities that await you there. I can't leave you here so that's why I want you to come with me. You can finally put those degrees to good use." she persuaded me. She had a valid point. In as much as I needed a break from all this it would take a bit of adjustment in a new city. "It's a good idea." One that I really didn't need to think about much. "Okay." I decided. A genuine smile stretched across her face and she squeezed me and I let out a breathy laughter. "You are going to love it there, I promise". I nodded and laughed at her enthusiasm which lifted the scruff of burden off me a bit. I needed to start doing something for myself and if that was gonna happen in Seattle, then I was ready to go.

Camille New York has always been my home, so going away had a strong feeling of nostalgia attached to it. There was this slight hesitation while we packed, I sat to feel the furniture, stayed a little longer at the kitchen counter, and Mom's bedroom. I inhaled the smoky memories this house held for me. Our home, our lives all manifested in here, it wasn't easy letting go, just immediately after a tragedy. I am supposed to need time, to feel the grief a little longer then wait for depression only to come out of it stronger, but better opportunities awaited me in Seattle.

I have always loved the chaos New York held, I plunged myself into that chaos countless times that it was injected in my veins to thrive in all of its madness. New York is set to be the city that never sleeps but I have heard something similar of Seattle. When it comes to thriving culture, music, art and industrial revolution, it's all happening in Seattle. I have never heard much, for me to want to come here so badly like Judy but I have always loved the art and culture. Sadly, where we came from, stuff like that doesn't really happen like we will love to. Another state that's known to have such enormous growth and it's bustling with several activities is New Orleans. The gentle and lovely feel for the arts is just as thriving as any other. The flight to Seattle was quite a long one and I lost track of time till Judy nudged me to stay awake because we were going to land soon. Sooner than expected, we arrived at 'The Emerald City' Phillip was already waiting to pick us up. Judy ran into his arms and I laughed as she clinged for as long as she did want. "Hey Cami, I'm so happy you agreed to come. Honestly you are going to love it here." he chimed, I didn't miss the grin that showcased his perfect set of teeth as Judy stood close to him. The airport was a bit busy today but we left quickly because Phillip saw how tired we were. For some reason, Judy was a bit excited that it made me wonder. Maybe it's all for her benefit, not to mean it in a bad way but I was reaching a climax of cold feet. Do I want to see how it all turns out? Do I even want to know what this place holds for me?. Honestly, I want to see how it turns out but what does this place hold for me? Opportunities, what if I get disappointed? All these questions kept ravaging in my thoughts that I couldn't breathe and I got lost in my own head without being involved in the conversation they were having in the first place. "Yo! Cami" he stared at me through the head mirror as he adjusted his glasses. "Oh sorry. You were saying?" I asked. "I was asking you what kind of job are you hoping to find?" Honestly I don't know but I will take what I've always wanted. As long as the pay was good with enough benefits for me to stand on my own, I didn't have a problem. "Finance manager." He looked at me through the head mirror, nodding his head like he was impressed. 'Darling," Phillip's eyes were on the road when she placed her hands on his biceps as he drove flexing his muscles unintentionally. "Cami here, has a master degree in finance. So it's only natural she chooses a finance manager for a job." She concluded as a proud smile plastered on her face. "I see. What do you plan to do? You know after getting a job" he asked inquisitively. He meant no harm and just finding little ways to help me out here, but his questions were coming off as an interrogation. It was making me uneasy for a bit but then I just had to remember that he meant well. "I plan to get an advanced payment. So I can, you know, get an apartment of my own. I mean, I can't stay with you guys forever. Sooner or later I will have to stand on my own. " "That's true. But you can stay as long as you want until you are stable alright." He assured me. There was some kind of relief in his statement, a space where I can be safe. Not that I am not, but there is an assurance that I have found family in him. Well, he's about to get married to my sister, of course he's family. "I will also see if I can get vacancies in some big companies around here. It won't be too hard to find." he proposed. Judy and I thanked him and there it was. That moment where I won't have to bother about trying out so many interviews before I get that one job. That doesn't mean I won't try, it just means it's getting easier for me, which I'm genuinely grateful for. Phillip is a big shot web developer that has big connect, for these big tech companies. Considering the fact he is also a tech person, so his assistance in helping me get vacancies was definitely something I could count on. Seattle isn't just known for it's livable activities in the arts, they also one of the top cities that are successful in industrial technology, hence the numerous glass tall buildings, all over the city. While we were going to Phillips place, I narrowed my eyes as I let the wind gently breathe on me. I filled my eyes with the beautiful sight of the city as the car moved faster to our destination. Phillip and Judy said something about Port Townsend, two hours away from Seattle. It didn't take long, we arrived at Phillips mansion. As I came down from the car, I stared in awe at the beauty before me, all royal and classy. From my standpoint view, his house screamed money and glory. We walked in as we settled down. The walls and chaos were designed in a desirable white giving it a pure spotless look. A mini book shelf was just at the end of the living room, with a transparent view to make your eyes wander into the city and it's chaos. The kitchen counter and the bar wasn't too far from each other, as it was filled with the finest of wines. The kitchen and the dining room co- existed in one large space that was neatly clean with all of its utilities. Judy didn't seem surprised as she watched me filling my eyes over and over with my mouth slightly open. It felt as if she had been here before. "Come let me help you settle down!" She dragged me upstairs to one of the rooms which I would be occupying. Honestly, I thought I would be more than comfortable here at least until I got a place of my own. I felt quite welcome here and I was grateful to my sister for that. Philip strolled in, as he watched Judy trying to help me unpack. "If you girls are hungry, just say the word. We could order take out or I could just go to the grocery store and stock the house. It's quite empty." he said, slightly embarrassed by the fact that he hardly cooks. Judy hid her laughter, while I smiled. "Since I'm the only one, I don't cook that much." "More like, you don't cook at all" Just chipped in erupting with laughter just to spite him. He playfully glared at her for a bit and sighed. "Well I'm happy you guys are here and it won't be so lonely anymore." He left us saying he will be back briefly, then Judy coughed like she needed to say something. "So I found a vacancy online, while I searched for jobs for you here in Seattle considering the sudden move. I wrote out their caller ID so you can book an appointment for an interview tomorrow." she said, handing me the card with her neat inscriptions of the job details on it. I was speechless, my vision became blurry as I felt tears welling up at the side of my eyes. I pulled her into a hug, as she helped tuck my hair behind my ear. "Thank you Judy." Come on, It's okay. It's the least I can do, just make sure you don't miss it." I nodded as she found her way out of my room. I exhaled. Tomorrow, we go job hunting.

Camille Making a living in New York can be a lot, trust me. But here in Seattle it's a fucking hassle. One night in and it seems all has started crumbling even before it got the chance to begin. When Phillip got back from the grocery store, after my sister decided to tag along so she could see the city, because 'it's been damn long' in her words. He got back to make a few calls for a job vacancy and it turned out there were some openings for me. Honestly he wanted me to try them all, damn I wanted to try this all but there was this anxiety I just couldn't fight off.

Although I still held on to the interview my sister had recommended to me, I tried to stay active during all his talk about how good they were and how I was going to crush them, but I could help but be passive. The voices in my head were louder than his words. I retired for the night and I checked my schedule for the next day but it turned out that I will have to miss one interview because it clashed with another vital one. I want a job but I have to let something go. The next day the interviews were not precisely short. But the questions were nothing much because my resumé spoke for itself. The interview from the investment company was indeed the last one I had for the day and all they did was check out my resume and a few questions about my experience and I explained the time I interned as a financial assistant in a publishing house in New York. Working there was kind of awesome until I stopped because I had to take care of Mom who was recently diagnosed with leukemia. At the climax of that day's interview they promised to get back to me. Somehow I held them by their word, I had a good feeling about it. I got back home deeply exhausted that I slept through the night and didn't have dinner. My sleep was a bit deep, but I found myself in a trance that traced back to New York, the happy moments, in fact every moment. Judy's whinings, mom's laughter and a wide smile coming from Dad. I wasn't aware of my environment, for a moment it all felt real, like the softness of the bed that brushed my skin and the untamed chill air that blanketed me till I had goosebumps. All I could feel was the smell of pancakes, the slight rush of red wine on a fine glass, the clattering of plates and spoon. I saw it all but when I tried to grasp this memory, it faded. My eyes shot open and I was greeted by a familiar place-my bedroom- I sighed. Sleep immediately left my eyes but I stood up and made my way to the refrigerator downstairs. I moved quietly in the dark only to find myself ravaging the inside of the refrigerator for cookies or milk or anything. My eyes met the bar at the corner of the house. The bottles glistened before my eyes and I gulped. Well, a little wouldn't hurt right. I told myself. I took a large bottle of vodka and a glass. I poured a little into the glass and took a sip. I let it heat my tongue for a while before I swallowed. "I didn't know you take alcohol." a gruff voice echoed from the other end of the room startling the hell out of me. "Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed as I saw his figure leaning by the wall, finding his hands. This was the first time I saw Phillip without his glasses, he looked less nerdy. He was wearing a lilac blue shirt that hugged his biceps and black shorts. I gulped the little vodka left in my glass. "I'm sorry for frightening you." he apologised, his brown eyes held the feeling of sorry. "It's okay." He walked closer with an empty glass as he grabbed the bottle and poured himself a lot. He must be really feeling heated tonight that he needed all that to drink. "I didn't know you take alcohol too." "I do not as often though." "So what's keeping you up?" I could ask the same question but how do I explain that I just had the best dream that I didn't want to wake up from, I wanted to sink into that world that's now a memory and never return to this that's filled with pain, absence and loss. Maybe I found the words to what I wanted to say but it didn't really do justice to how it felt. "Nothing much, just tired. I couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am." "Here you are." he repeated and took a large gulp of his drink only to pour another glass for himself again. "You need to take it easy there Phillip." I said to him pointing at his glass. Something must be really bothering him to want to drink the whole bottle. I honestly didn't want to be there to witness him drink till he was satisfied, now the question is if he was going to be satisfied. "You are talking about this", he said, holding his glass up. I nodded. "Oh this is nothing. I need to think and alcohol helps me with that." "How come you are doing this at this time? When your fiancé is upstairs sleeping. You should be with her." I gently scolded him, but it felt to me that I was prying, which I didn't intend to do for long. "I had to work so I needed something strong. My job can be a bit demanding so it takes a toll. So tell me how was your interview?" he sat on the stool by the counter I was expecting him to ask me, because he had always followed my progress about my job hunting since I arrived here. Since I was too tired to stay awake and give feedback I might as well do it now. "It was awesome. The interviews were clashing. I only had time to attend two of the openings. Hoping the two I missed, they rescheduled. But that's very unlikely." "Not really. Since you told them, they will fix another interview. Working in Seattle can be hectic when you've started, but they always try to be flexible."he explained. Maybe I just needed some getting used to because this change was like the sea and I was just still finding my balance through the waves and storms. "I hope so." "You'd get used to it. The chaos must be new to you. I'm wondering though how was growing up in New York City like for you?" I stopped laying face down on the counter as I tried to remember. It seemed all that had been happening there were memories and I was treading through the memory lane. I smiled and sighed. "It was awesome. I'm used to the chaos; it was what kept me going. And moving from one neighbourhood to another was the only thing as hectic as hell." "You sound like someone that hates change.'' That wasn't a question but he plunged further into the conversation. I began to feel comfortable with the thought of talking about a vital part of my life I still hadn't processed. "I do hate it. It's a constant thing for humans, living but it doesn't change the fact that it's scary as hell. I mean it's like starting all over, throwing all that has ever been like it didn't exist. But then that's like a new path to try other things right?" I rambled. "The truth is that humans would always need change, it's what keeps them going that makes them look forward to the different phases of their lives and make better choices. Yet, it doesn't have to be scary and you know it's hard at first. As lame as that sounds, that's how I feel." He smirked as I spoke. "You are right Camille." he said. "Sometimes that's all we need, all we will ever need. It's just a matter of if you want to be stuck or move forward. And I bet on my guts that you really don't want to be stuck." "What about you?" I asked. "Oh nothing much. I went to NYU just like Judy. My parents have always been there you know, I watched them struggle through it all, marriage, wealth and all. My brother and I are all they have, you know even when we were very comfortable. Then my Mom died in a plane crash and it broke my Dad more. But he found other ways to be happy. I started working for this tech company back at NYU, made a lot of money until I decided to move here to Seattle. It was through my journey back to New York I met Your sister in a coffee shop." "Holl up." I smiled. "Judy in a coffee shop?" She's the last person that would want to get coffee on a very good day, that's why this was so surprising. He laughed out loud. "She was with a couple of friends. I think they were waiting for a class then. So I asked her for a date. And she wanted to go to the movies, the rest is history." he concluded as he took a break from drinking. I was already feeling light headed and sleepy. "That's lovely." I remarked. Our conversations bled into the night as we had so little time before the day started as we retired for the night. I really felt better talking to him and it was a huge relief knowing that he cared so much about Judy. I had no doubt about their companionship. Morning came just as fast and I wasn't going anywhere so I decided to sleep in. Considering I had gotten so little sleep last night. Judy came in to ask about the interview and I explained in detail because she asked about the job offer she recommended for me. She was indeed happy that I did all that, now we just had to wait for the news, whether it's good or bad. I'm not trying to sound like a negative person but I don't want to expect too much. It's through that disappointment comes. My ringtone came blaring in and as the caller ID was unknown, I was curious, so I answered. "Hello." "Please am I speaking to Camille Allister." "Yes, who am I speaking with?" 'This is from the investment company you sent your application to. I understand that you came in for an interview yesterday." he inquired. "Yes I did." "Oh we are calling to inform you that you got the job. You may want to come in on Friday next week, so you will be briefed and resume immediately." Wow. I didn't expect this news so early. My heart leaped in joy. "Miss Camille?" his voice came in from the other end snapping me out from the blanks. "Yes, I accept." I said quickly "Thank you so much." "Alright that's fine, we look forward to seeing you soon. " the call ended. Now, I felt like my life would be in order soon.