His Forbidden Confession

5 years ago,

Nicholas p.o.v.

" Father, the cart has arrived"

Ronald, the young servant boy, informed me. He was so excited since the day he found out that princess Alexa was coming here to live with us.

The way he was taking deep breaths, I knew he was coming here running like a horse. How many times I had warned him not to do it...

" If you keep running here like this, then one day these stairs are going to break into pieces"

I scolded him, putting the documents and letter aside. There was so much work at this time of year. Winter was coming, and I didn't think there was enough food for the people here...

" Then why don't you renovate this old tower or leave it... come stay with us in the church."

" I like it here in solace"

He rolled his eyes at me after hearing my reply. When was he going to act mature?

After putting everything aside, we walked towards the entrance of the church. The Royal guards were roaming here and there, controlling the people who were excited to see only one glance of the future queen.

She will be the one to bring this kingdom's prosperity back... The hundred years old hatred and rivalry between the two kingdoms will turn into friendship and alliance, the brutal deaths of soldiers and the starvation of people will stop, and the kingdom can become strong again.

And this all depended on this one thirteen years old child. How will she manage that much burden? Even I was afraid when I had to just guide her to that path...

" Princess" I kneel when she came and stood in front of me.

Even after seven years, bowing in front of anyone still feels so weird. However she was the second person, before her there was only one king in front of him I bowed; my half-uncle...but still, it felt so strange.

She was wearing a golden cloak and her face was hidden inside that hood. Poor child, I wondered how she could walk like this...

The king and queen must have a strong heart to leave her only daughter here in church for that long time...

Everyone stood up again when she nodded her head to acknowledge us. We returned inside, and then those big gates closed, leaving every royal guard and public outside.

I chuckled when I caught her peeking outside from her hood. She must have wanted to see this beautiful place.

" You can remove it if you like, princess"

I said when she again tried to peep outside from her hood.

" I didn't allow to..." She replied and stop at her place.

" I know commoners are not allowed to see your face but here, every child is the same, there is no princess and no ordinary... You are like the others here"

I explained while kneeling in front of her because I heard her sniffing. Was she crying? I thought. Perhaps she was missing her home...

" So, can I remove the hood? " She asked, wiping her tears.

" Yes you can, so what is your name, princess?"

I asked, although I know her name was Alexa still, I asked because kids like to introduce themselves, maybe she will feel like a normal kid like this...

" Xenia Alexandrovna, but everyone calls me Princess Alexa."

She replied and removed her hood. Xenia... I didn't know it, Probably no one in the kingdom knew her real name... They should have at least told the real name of our future queen.

" So Xenia, do you want to meet others? They would like to be your friends"

She nodded her head, and we started walking inside the church.

Her golden-brown hairs reminded me of Samara, her big blue eyes were like mine... If Samara and I had a daughter, then probably she would have looked like her...Perhaps they both could have become friends, but again, if Samara and my unborn child were still alive, then I will not be here.

It's been eight years since she was killed, seven years since I took celibacy...I was just twenty-one when I became a priest. People used to say that I am too young to be a priest, too immature. And now, after seven years...at the age of twenty-eight, I still heard that same thing. But it does not bother me anymore.

I became a priest to find peace but didn't find it yet. Perhaps this was fate, that brought me here, so I could help the princess, and she could become a strong and intelligent future queen. However, my only work was to teach her the bible and guide her on god's path, but I will also teach her to read and use a sword. I knew it wasn't allowed for women but after what had happened with Samara, I believed every woman should learn to fight, so she can protect herself.

I glanced at the little afraid girl, walking beside me. Maybe this was my second chance to become a father...

Present time,

Xenia p.o.v.

A whiff of cold wind came inside and scattered all the documents in the entire room. Great... All my hard work was dashed in a second.

I glared at the broken window like it will ask forgiveness for its mistake... Ugh, why didn't Father Nicholas leave this old tower?

I could understand it was so peaceful, and the view was incredible from here, the green and brown shade of mountains...covered with dense big trees, golden pillar of our holy church and children playing happily in the rose garden...as if the tower was surrounded by heaven itself but still, the tower was so broken that sometimes I get worried that it will crumble...

Standing from the chair, I closed the curtains, however, they were useless for stopping the wind, but I could try, perhaps they could give some small help.

The sun was setting, leaving the darkness behind it...

The old office was looking scary in this darkness. The tower had several rooms and we made one room as an office for church-related work. The small office was made of wood. The walls and floor were so old that they always made an irritating sound whenever we walk on them. The entire cabinet was filled with documents, we didn't even know if they were important or not.

I am going to clean this office one day...

Glancing at the scattered documents, I decided to work again. I picked up the lighter and candles from the desk and put them on the stand.

Why didn't Father Nicholas come back? How much time he will take to bathe? I was afraid he will use the whole warm water, and then I have to bathe from the remaining cold water...like always.

Lightning various candles, I sat again after picking up the documents. I have to complete it today, no matter what.

" You are still here, I thought you have completed it by now"

The deep, dominating yet caring voice of Father Nicholas came from behind. Controlling all my throbbing sensations, I glanced at him.

He was in his clerical attire, black shirt tightly covering his broad shoulders and his hard chest...slacks loosely hung around his defined hip bones...hiding those long legs. It's been five years since I was living here, but still seeing him without his black cassock felt so strange...so strange that it always left me breathless and my inner thighs wet and sticky, oh, god forgive me for my sins.

His dark black hair was wet and stuck backwards, showing his beautiful face clearly. He smiled when his deep blue eyes met mine...that smile, that smile made me do sinful things to myself. If there were a devil in god's skin...it would be father Nicholas.

The light beard covered his cheeks but still, his defined jawline was visible, sharper than my dagger. And those red savory lips...oh, so luscious. How could a man look so perfect? I asked myself. That same question wandered inside my mind every painful day...and every sinful night.

Averting my lustful gaze from him, I took a deep breath. I had to stop thinking like that, he was like a father to me. Even thinking about him was a sin, an inexpiable sin.

" I almost completed it, but that broken window ruined all of my work...why don't you renovate it. "

I replied, settling the unanswered letter aside, So I could reply to them later. There were not many women who could read and write like me, but Father Nicholas taught me everything.

" I can use that gold in other useful works rather than renovating this old tower. Anyway, I like it broken..."

He replied, sitting in front of me. I clenched the paper so tightly when that feeling returned.

My heart started beating so fast when my eyes roamed over his muscles, the shirt get tighter when he folded his hands. It looked as if it was going to tear apart...

" What did you do?"

I get startled when he suddenly asked me that. Looking into his face, I tried to calm myself. He couldn't read my thoughts, could he?

" Umm... nothing, why? "

His blue eyes were looking at me the way, a parent would look when they caught their child lying.

" You only clasp your cross like that when you did something wrong..."

Bending my head, I noticed that I was gripping my cross so tightly. I didn't even realise when I did that!

I got this weird habit from Father Nicholas, whenever he wanted to smoke a cigar he gripped his cross so tightly. I used to make fun of him when he did that. But two years ago, when I thought of something sinful for the first time, I did the same.

Those sinful thoughts never go away. What I thought, was a small childish fascination became something more...something forbidden, a sin.

I couldn't even think about it, I shouldn't think about those thoughts..or him, he is a god's man after all. And I should have felt disgusted by seeing a man of my father's age like this. He raised me as his own, and he was a priest, untouchable.

A forbidden fruit, which I could never get, but still every single night, I touched myself thinking about him...

" What are you doing princess, you will hurt yourself."

When his warm hand touched my cold ones and removed my hand from the pendant...My entire body shivered like a lightning bolt...I could feel the warmth spreading from my hands to my breast...to my paunch and then to those implicit despicable places between my legs.

Father Nicholas kneaded his thumb on the back of my hand when I raised my head to see his face. He was standing near my chair and looking deep into my eyes... His expression was unreadable.

Did he also feel these shivers when our hands touched, or did his heart also start beating so fast when our eyes met? Did his breath also hitches when we look at each other from afar but couldn't touch...Those stolen glances, unexpected touch, was it even possible he felt that too?

" You don't need to be afraid if you did something wrong...you can tell me, okay? "

He said while kneeling in front of me like he was talking to some kid. But for the first time, his fatherly tone didn't match his eyes. The way he was looking at me with such longing gave my entire body shudders.

My heart was beating so fast, and it was not only my heart that was trembling. The place between my thighs was throbbing so fast, that it hurts... It felt as if it had a heart of its own...

His ocean-like blue eyes were looking at me, we were staring at each other but not saying anything...both silent, only sound which could be heard was the sound of romping wind outside the tower...and the cranky sounds of old wooden windows, clashing with each other. There was a storm coming...I wonder if was it more disastrous than the hurricane I was carrying inside my heart for years...was it more fatal than loving a priest... a god's man.

" I think you should go now"

He rasped with a clenched jaw, removing his hand. The way his chest was rising and falling swiftly, I could assume he is taking deep breaths...like me.

Before I could say anything, he left the room. Leaving me alone, confused and frustrated.

Xenia p.o.v.

Standing up from the cold wooden chair, I peeked at those letters. Ugh, I didn't think I can work now, not when my whole body was trembling with desire, desire of Father Nicholas.

I was afraid that I will reply to those letters with something very inappropriate description of my carnal thoughts because right now, my mind could only think about Father Nicholas and I could only write about him...

So, I left. Obviously, I didn't want those erratic thoughts to come out and flatten on the pages, to be on the show for him. And I couldn't even imagine what will he do with me if he finds out about it.

Perhaps he will send me to the confession room or prayer room...or worst send me directly to the Pope, the bishop of Rome. I doubt even he could help me.

No one could, not even God himself can help my evil soul. The carnal desires which I was hiding for almost two years were becoming excruciating now. And it was a matter of time before they will force my body and mind to do something lethal, something unpardonable, A sin.

The old stairs made a lofty clomp sound when my bare feet touched their surface. I was aware, that I gained some weight, but I was not that heavy that these stairs were making this irritating sound. If we didn't renovate this tower fast, then I am certain, one day this fortress will be going to deteriorate, taking me with it too.

Going upstairs, I picked up my nightgown and lustre after lighting all the five candles on it. It was slightly heavy, but I somehow managed to roam around with it. It's better than walking in the darkness because this tower perceives as scary as the night.

I could live with other kids in the Church too, but I felt more comfortable here. Coming out of my room, I glance at Father Nicholas' room, the door was closed, sadly.

His room was just next to mine. Only we two were living here. Our rooms and a large bathroom were on the fourth floor. Two offices and a kitchen area on the third floor. The rest of the tower was abandoned, and cannot be used because of its disastrous condition.

Everyone here seems to be ratified about me being living with a man alone. I think they didn't realize that I was not the same thirteen-year-old little girl who will see a man like him, as a father.

Or they think that no one can be that audacious to even think about a priest like that. Unfortunately, they were wrong.

They weren't aware that their future queen was so presumptuous that she was not even thinking about a priest, but about the same person who raised her as his own and loved her as his daughter. Father Nicholas was even more loving than my own father...

Going inside the bathroom, I set the lustre near the enormous bathtub. It was one of the reasons, that I wasn't moving out with other kids as I had to share bathe with them and what could I say...they were not that friendly towards me and I wanted my bathe, peacefully.

It was the only place where I could act on my own and not be forced to act like a mature queen.

Removing the white cloak and my silk gown, I stripped naked. My body grazed the rose-filled warm water, forcing a blissful moan from my lips. Taking a deep breath, I settled myself comfortably.

His scent was lingering here, making my body yearn for him...I couldn't touch him, but I could still touch the same water his body fondled. The intoxicating scent of his redolence was hitting my nose. No wonder, he always smells that good. Leaning against the tub wall, I picked up his bathing oil, it scents like sandalwood mixed with french roses. I smirked, once a royal, always royal.

He always brought these expensive bathing oils. This one was new, but I liked the old one better. Perhaps, it had been more than ten years since he took celibacy and left that royalty life of his, still his imperial habits were hard to ignore.

I opened the jar, inhaling the mild incense, reminding myself about what had happened in the room. His body had that same fragrance when he stood near me.

My hand meandered over my body, my hard nipples to my waist, and then to that sinful place between my thighs. I glanced at the closed door and empty bathroom. No one was there, just me, darkness and that small amount of light coming from the candles.

He wouldn't find out if I used his bathing oil, would he?

Licking my dry lips, I dribble some of the oil over my breasts, the same oil which touched his skin. Touching my chest with one hand, I massaged my bosom, imagining his rough hands instead of my soft ones...Oh, hail mary...forgive me for my sins, I prayed inside my mind, before continuing that assault on my hard tits.

I closed my eyes, picturing those deep blue eyes on my exposed body. The way he looked at me with such a longing, and that rough yet caring touch of his hand.

My other hand cupped that forbidden place, which I shouldn't touch before marriage. I slowly caressed my warmth. Parting its lips, I rubbed there for some seconds and then slowly insert one finger inside me. My toes wriggled, my back arched, and my lips parted in that euphoric sensation.

Biting back a whimper, I opened my eyes. His room was just next to the bathroom, I didn't want him to hear these guilty moans of mine.

He was so close yet so far...

Putting the jar aside, I grasp my breast with one hand, lightly squeezing it, nipping my hard nipples between my fingers. My other hand was between my thighs, thrusting the finger inside me, I stared at the mirror in front of me.

My unclad body, shrouded in rose petals, his bathing oil, and in the same water his body stroked minutes ago.

I was certainly not looking like a queen now. What will he think, if he saw me like this? What will he do when I'll do these immoral things in front of him, in front of the man who saw me just as his daughter...a man whose thoughts and body just belonged to god...Will he touch me...will he do things with me...or will he leave?

It will be so dirty, so sinful yet so alluring.

I glanced at the closed doors, what will happen if that door opens, and he will see me like this... My fingers started thrusting faster, imagining his ocean-like blue eyes, on my body, looking at me lustfully, his throbbing hard member inclined to take my innocence.

Warm liquid flooded from my inner thighs, thinking about the person I could never touch even in my dreams. My eyes get closed, my head tilted behind, my finger shoved deep inside me, and then... I finally moan his name, "Nicholas" for the first time.

It perceived, like moaning his name, gave my body a different kind of ecstasy. My entire body shivered when I rub my clit with my other hand. My finger, still inside me, thrusting deeply and swiftly.

" Nicholas..." I moaned again, taking deep breaths and thinking about his seductive eyes and muscular body.

It didn't feel wrong, not even the slightest bit. I knew this was a sin, and I am a sinner. But if it means, I could feel like heaven doing it, I will do it again and again until the ground will open and pull my sinful body into the fire of perdition.

I wonder what will sister Marina do with me if she will find out, about this. She was the one who told me about what happens on the first night.

She became a nun at the young age of twenty-three after his husband died in the war. She didn't have a choice, though. Her family forced her.

One day, I asked about all these immoral things, she hesitated in the starting but who can dare to refuse the future queen... So, she told me everything. She thought I was curious and wanted to prepare myself for the French king, to satisfy him after marriage. If only she knew, I was asking that to satisfy myself.

It was working through, for almost six months, but not anymore, I didn't just want to imagine him. I wanted him, I wanted him so badly. But he will never be mine. I took a deep sigh, removing the wet finger and standing up from the bathtub.

Looks like even a queen cannot get everything she wants...