Her Racing Heart

"Sometimes I wish I was dead"

It was dark, rainy midnight when everyone sleeping peacefully even though their world is on the verge of crashing a girl in her mid-twenties looked so deep in her thoughts lying on her bed. Meera, she couldn't sleep but without giving up she tried shutting the past thoughts that were pulling her into the pool of regret and guilt, but whatever she does her inner demons fighting back with equal strength by showing the things that she wanted to forget. The broken pieces of her life sticking before her face and smiling at her, mockingly.

Giving up so easily Meera opened her eyes, heaving out a defeated sigh. She felt somewhat difficult to breathe and instantly her body became cold reminding how stupid and how helpless she is at those times. To put herself together Meera took the glass of water on the desk beside the bed and swallowed it in a gulp. She felt somewhat relieved and gazed at her room filled with gloom and silence.

Still, her heart is beating fast because of him, her terrible dream. She stood up from her bed and went near the window. She opened the glass door to see the dark sky and the building that was soaked in the rain. She noticed the time is 3.00 am, midnight.

Her nightmare, it is not new to her. That was haunting her for the past three years. But it was different today, he caressed her skin and it felt so real like she is again in his arms and being his pet.

No I should never think that Meera nodded her head to avoid those things and went back to the bed, she tied her hair in a bun and thought to take the medications for sleep since it is so stressful without having a proper sleep but these medicines were turning her weak physically. In a confusion, Meera again laid on her bed and thought about everything that happened in her past and without knowing her eyes welled in tears that were hard for her to control, after all.

My life is ruined by myself and I am the sole reason for all that happened, she thought while letting out silent sobs.

Meera again opened her eyes to see the time is seven in the morning. Sensing her eyes were now burning hot she slowly raised up from her bed and walked to the bathroom to take a cold shower. She dressed up in her Uniform and got ready for her work. Meera was working in two different jobs. In the day, as a receptionist in a famous hotel in the city and in the evening, she is working in a supermarket located at the end of her street.

She drank a cup of green tea and some cookies, she didn't mind seeing herself in the mirror since she stopped doing that a long time before. After locking the house Meera walked down, it was quite a sunny day. When she reached near the entrance,

"Meera leaving for work?" Shanthi asked her.

"Yep," she smiled nodding her head.

"Had your breakfast?" she asked and Meera said yes or else Shanthi will scold her for skipping meals. After a few seconds of silence.

"Meera, will you do me a favor," she asked in a requesting tone.

"Sure what is it?"

"Will you give the rent a weak before? Because I need to pay the college fee for Renu," she asked Meera hesitantly.

"Sure, I will transfer the money to your account in two days," Meera assured.

"Thanks, Meera that's a great help," she expressed her gratitude, and Meera left nodding her head with a smile. For the past two and a half years Meera was renting in Shanthi's house, she is a single mother and her husband died of cancer, Renu was her daughter pursuing her psychology degree. Shanthi was going for a job and she maintains the family. Meera was staying on the first floor of her house, she is close to her since Shanthi was so helpful and caring like her mother but she knows that no one can replace her mom's absence.

After ten minutes of walk, Meera reached the bus stop and she waited for her bus. Beside the bus Stop, there was a small shop selling newspapers and magazines, she decided to buy today's newspaper since she doesn't have a Television in her home. After buying she saw that her bus was approaching so she kept the newspaper in her bag and got inside the bus.

Thirty minutes of the quite ride Meera reached the SLA hotel where she is working as a receptionist for the past two years. She came at a perfect time and went to her place as soon as she enters the hotel and said Hi to her one only friend Priya.

"Hey, you didn't sleep well? Why you're looking like this?" she inquired Meera after looking at her visible dark circle under her eyes.

"Ah... yes I didn't because of a headache," she lied and changed the topic of their conversation. No one knows that she is an insomniac patient because she doesn't let anyone know her mistakes.

The work is somewhat simple for Meera and she is really loving her Job. Meera got this job mainly because of Rani, their manager. Meera doesn't know why she selected her, when she told both of her parents were dead in the job interview Rani looked Meera in a sympathetic way and the next day they called her and said that she got the job, after joining here Rani was very kind towards Meera than with anyone and Meera also got a nice friend like Priya. After all that happened in her past, she can still able to live in this world because of these good people around her and she's so grateful for them.

In the afternoon while she's having lunch with Priya, she remembered the newspaper that she bought. So she has taken it out and started to read but they were interrupted by Arun, the one that annoys her all the time. He's working as a cook. He's good looking and a very nice guy but what that annoys her the most that he's always flirting with Meera.

After noticing him Meera didn't raise her head up to avoid him,

"Someone is trying so hard to avoid me Priya," he said to Priya but looking at Meera and took the seat opposite to them.

But Meera didn't mind him and looked at the newspaper.

"Priya, by the way how are you? How was your weekend with your boyfriend?" he asked her but Meera knows he's asking her.

"Hmm great, Arun did you heard that Ram is going to resign the job," Priya started her gossiping.

"Yeah after having a fight with our senior manager he decided to resign," he replied.

"You know why he fought with him," she mumbled.

"I don't know but..." and here they go, started gossiping about everyone except her. If Meera was not here they will talk about her too. But they are very good friends working here from even before Meera have joined in here.

After reading two pages Meera closed it and went back to continue her work, she avoided everyone especially Arun cause she thought that's the best for her current peaceful life.

At 5.30 pm her work time ended, mostly the rich politicians, business people, and some celebrities stay in this hotel. They conduct parties and events here and this hotel is very famous and the costliest place in the entire city. Meera never wanted to be around in this high-class atmosphere but her fate it always giving what she hates.

She traveled on her regular bus to her house. After getting back, she changed her uniform into a normal jean and a plain black shirt and got ready for her part-time work at the supermarket. She joined in this job five months before, it is just a three-hour work from 6 to 9. She mainly joined in this to be always occupied and keeping herself busy makes her forget the pain that killing her day by day, she doesn't know why she's still living in this world but she doesn't want to kill herself since she tried really hard to overcome from that thought in the past.

Meera reached the supermarket and her work changes every day according to the schedule, sometimes she works on bill counters, then sometimes she works on arranging things, there were many people working here as part-time so she can't see the same person again and again because the working shifts may vary and she doesn't speak with anyone here except with that old manager. And today she was assigned to work in bill counter.

After working for three straight hours Meera headed back to her house, it was dark but the streetlights make it look brighter and she noticed only a few people were walking along with her, so she enjoyed walking in that snowy street.

After reaching her house Meera unlocked the door and went into her room straight removing her sweater. She's not hungry the feeling of appetite just vanished from her a long time before. She changed into her pajamas and took her medicine to sleep. But before sleeping, she decided to continue reading that newspaper. "Reading will help you to fall asleep fast," believing Priya's word she read every single day before going to bed. Sometimes it worked but sometimes her nightmare overpowers her determination.

She sat in the little couch near the window, a slow breeze stroked her body, she felt today is somewhat good, and nowadays she is slowly started to overcome everything unlike today she doesn't often dream about him.

After reading the sports section Meera turned to the business column. Her eyes scanned the entire page but soon her eyes widened in shock to see that image of him. Her hands couldn't hold that paper anymore. She dropped that from her hand and her eyes welled with tears. Without her control, her hands started to shiver. Meera looked again at the person who she wanted to erase from her memory were now filled in her eyes.

Her brimming tears slowly rolled down to her cheeks and fallen in the image of that person.

"I fear you, your memories"

Meera dropped the newspaper from her hands seeing him, he's the one haunting her mind every day, every minute and every second. She trembled to recall that past that she never wanted to remind.

She doesn't want to see that face, and she doesn't want anything that reminds him so she immediately scrambled the paper and thrown it in the trash can. She came out of her house and went to the terrace to clear her mind. By sitting on the cold floor Meera rested her back on the wall leaving out a sigh.

She was silent for some time a strong cold breeze was hitting her face and her eyes again welled with tears. Why am I like this? Why am I this vulnerable? She asked herself and cried for some time holding her knees then wiping off the tears, feeling the stress that is building inside her. She looked up at the moon and clouds but there are no Stars, she heard the sound of a barking dog at the far end, other than that she was surrounded by the coldness and darkness.

"Meera?" she heard someone voice and lifted her head up to see Shanthi.

"Ah... yeah," Meera cleared her throat and Shanthi sat beside her.

"Why is there any problem?" she asked her in a concerned tone.

"No it's not like that," Meera refused and Shanthi can clearly identify that Meera cried because of her voice and also she caught Meera a couple of times while sitting here and crying.

"Again you're doing the same, crying will never end anything Meera," Shanthi told patting her shoulder. Meera was silent and she knows what she was saying is true, but what else she can do? She is so helpless in controlling her emotions and this her weakness.

"Are you crying thinking about your mom?" she asked her.

Meera nodded as yes. She told about her mom and her death when she caught Meera crying for the first time, but the other part of the truth... she doesn't want to talk about that to anyone, only Meera and that person knows that sinful past.

"Meera I know what you're feeling, even I cried a lot when Renu's father died. But think like this way if we keep on crying will them going to come again, No! Even I had a companion but for you, there's no one you have to be strong Meera. I don't know how you're thinking about me but I am seeing you as my elder daughter. We are with you so don't push yourself into misery and try to be happy and forget about everything," she comforted Meera with her warm words.

Her words made Meera cry again, and she felt happy at the same time that still there's someone who cares for her and gives some hopes for the tomorrow. Shanthi patted her shoulders and asked Meera to stop crying.

Then she eventually stopped. They sat there for some time talking about the things in their work and Meera forget about everything after their talk. They decided to leave, Meera went into her house and locked the door behind.

I don't think I will sleep without having you, she thought and took her medicine bottle and sat on her bed, looking at the side of a trash can. The first thing that I need to do tomorrow is to throw that away since I can do only that, how peaceful it would be if I can able to throw the memories as in the same way. Meera laid thinking this and suddenly she heard a thunderstorm, then in a few minutes, it started to rain. She went near the window and saw the pouring rain.

Meera hates rain because on one Rainy day she lost everything. Every time it reminds those things, she hates the monsoon. But sometimes she will think even the sky has an unbearable pain like so that it cries at times without holding it back.

Why I am reminding him on every single moment, is that because I am... missing... him? she asked that question which she never wanted to ask herself because it felt she is betraying her conscience, she is afraid to know the fact that person is still in her heart and will remain in there for a lifetime, Meera thought while watching the rain.

.

.

Next morning she noticed her eyes were again red, she doesn't know whether it's for lack of sleep or crying.

Meera took the trash can and went out to throw them. She saw Renuka coming carrying her trash can.

"Good morning," she beamed.

"Morning Renu," Meera greeted and they both walked out. After throwing away the trash, Renu asked her to wait for her after getting ready for the work so that they can walk together to the bus stop and Meera agreed to that.

Meera like usual wore that boring uniform and today she applied some concealer to hide her dark circles. While looking herself in the mirror she asked sorry to her beautiful brown orbs, every time she is hurting it by crying. Though the man she loved has told many times that she has very beautiful eyes, those times she never thought he will be the reason for her pain, thinking this she sighed chuckling.

She didn't have her breakfast. She went down, Renu was waiting for her already and Shanthi waved goodbye to them before leaving to her work

"Meera you're becoming so lean, are you eating properly?" she kidded.

She smiled "Yeah I am eating a lot but don't know why I am not gaining any weight," Meera told.

"What's your age, Meera?" Renuka asked giving a curious expression.

"Twenty four, why you're asking me?"

"Just to know, I am two years younger than you," she said and they reached the bus stop. Meera and Renu took the same bus, throughout the travel Renu talked about her class and everything.

"Meera can you do me a favor, if there's any vacancy in the shop you're working will you tell me since Mom is working really hard and I am planning to get a part-time job so that I can help her a little," she asked.

"Okay, Sure I will tell you," Meera assured and thought she's really a good daughter and she reminds herself, Meera was also like her when she was in that age and she worked a lot of part-time jobs to support her mom and also for her expenses.

They were silent after that when Meera reached her bus stop she got down and waved goodbye to her and Renuka did the same.

Meera said Hi to Priya when she went to her place and she smiled. After chit-chatting for a few minutes, they started their work. In the afternoon after having their lunch Meera and Priya were informed to meet Rani Mam so they both went to her cabin.

"Good afternoon mam," they both greeted in unison. Rani Mam was a very kind lady by heart but she may look like a strict woman from outside, that's why she is perfect for this job.

"Good morning," she looked at us. "Coming Friday there's a party arranged by a Very important person, many politicians, and business people were going to attend so you two have to work overtime," she informed.

"Ok, mam," Priya said but Meera hesitated.

"There's no other way you have to," Rani Mam commanded in an ordering tone seeing Meera's silence and Meera nodded without having another option.

"Hey don't worry I will drop you at your home," Priya said after they came out of her cabin.

"Hmm," she nodded and continued her work, day after tomorrow is Friday and I have to ask permission to take leave for my part-time job, oh god it's frustrating she felt.

"Hey, do you know whose party is this?" Priya asked her after gossiping with other employees

"No, who?" Meera questioned looking at her computer screen.

"Vikranth, The famous businessman you would have seen him in the newspaper, TV channels, and social Medias right? He's very famous," she told and that almost startled Meera. Her heart just stopped for a minute after hearing that name, she can't believe what she heard.

"Do you mean Vikranth Shivakumar, who owns that largest textile industry in our city," she asked without believing.

"Yeah you are right!" she confirmed it.

Her heart started to beat even faster and she doesn't know what she is going to do. I am going to meet the one that I wanted to erase in my life, No I can't do this I can't! She thought and got up from her seat.

"Hey what happened where you are going?" Priya asked.

"No nothing I am going to meet Rani Mam," Meera said and walked to her cabin.

When she was about to knock, Meera heard she's scolding one employee for asking a day off on that Friday. Meera backed off and thought about whether to ask this or not. She, at last, concluded this isn't right time so she went back to her place in a defeat.

But she strongly determined to talk about this tomorrow and no matter what she can never work on Friday.

I want to run far away from you but still, you are here in front of me.

Coming back after overhearing her manager's conversation Meera felt like she is going to lose in her battle of escape, she can't concentrate on the work and constantly thought about how to escape from this. She never wanted to remind even his face in this meeting him was something she doesn't want to do at all.

Again feeling the stress that is building in her, Meera took a better decision to leave.

"Priya, I am going," I said to her.

"Why you're leaving this earlier?" she worried.

"Stomach cramps and I need some rest," Meera said and took her bag.

"Ok go and take rest. I will manage then," she patted her shoulders gently. Meera smiled before walking out of the hotel. It was just 3.00pm but it's so dark and cloudy indicating that it will rain.

After reaching her stop, it started to rain as she guessed. She took her umbrella out from her bag and walked to her house, watching the drizzles. It was not a big rain but still can make her wet if she doesn't have that umbrella.

When she reached her home she went straight to her bed and laid placing her bag on the floor. She took a huge breath closing her eyes.

How much her life has changed by giving a situation to hate the things that she loved? Before she used to love walking in the rain but now she hates it, and she can't even breath while raining, it makes her uncomfortable.

It was on a rainy day when she first met him, it was on a rainy day she confessed her love to him, it was a rainy day she gave herself to him and on that fateful day her mom died, her life has shattered and forced her to live in this isolated life where no is there to embrace her when she cries. On that rainy day, she learned the reality of this world from Vikranth, the only man she ever loved and adored.

Vikranth... she can't blame everything on him she also did a great mistake without thinking about the aftermath of her actions.

She knew it will never going to change anything but she doesn't know why every time it is getting harder only on her. Perhaps this was her punishment for being so blindly in love? She cried as dangling helplessly at this time.

After a half, an hour nap in her uniform Meera again opened her eyes seeing it was dark outside she took her phone and noticed the time was 6.30pm.

She felt her head was spinning and her eyes were burning hot. She walked into the restroom, taking a hot bath she came and changed in a normal salwar. Realizing that she is already late for her part-time job Meera decided to take leave for today.

She headed to the kitchen to prepare a cup of coffee and sat on the living room floor seeing the rain from the window.

While she was in her thoughts,

"You didn't go for your work," Renu asked coming in.

"Umm yes, I am feeling so tired today," Meera said.

"I am planning on going to the temple will you come along with me," she asked.

Meera thought for a minute to go or not then she decided to go because it will somewhat relax her.

"OK, I am coming with you," she agreed.

"Then get ready and I will call you when I am done with my work," Renu told and went down.

After drinking the coffee Meera got ready and followed her carrying her umbrella. Renu accompanied her, and they started walking. It was a well-known temple in their city, unusually when they reached there it was crowded by the people and media. They went inside leaving their slippers outside, the sound of devotional songs and the fragrance of flowers welcomed them.

Meera doesn't know whether God really exists in this world but she still prays to him and having immense faith in him that one day he will again change her life as how she wanted.

When she was solemnly standing in the queue to see the God's figurine, Renu saw their neighborhood aunty.

"Aunty," she called.

"Hey Meera, Renu you two are here," she exclaimed to see them.

They smiled, "Aunty why today there's so much crowd in here," Meera asked.

"Ah... I heard a minister came here, that's why I guess," she blurred.

"Oh," Meera nodded. Then the three joined and talked about some random things while waiting on the queue. When they almost reached near it was a little crowded and so many were blocking their view,

"Meera I want to see from the front come with me," Renu pulled her to the front.

They got a little space in the front and from there Meera can see God's statue clearly, they decorated it with flowers, gold, silver ornaments. She closed her eyes feeling the positive vibes in here.

God? Why I am like this? Why I couldn't live this life properly? Please make me forget about those things and also give a way to escape from Friday work I can't go there, please save me from this.... please God...she prayed, hoping that will happen.

After praying she opened her eyes and looked at the fire that glowing on the Diyas. She smiled because she got a little peace but at that moment she doesn't know that fate has stored something different for her at the same time. She turned her gaze to the opposite side her heart just stopped, her eyes rigidly fixed on the figure standing opposite to her, she even forget to blink her eyes in that minute to see the man standing in front of her..... Vikranth.

His black orbs fixed on her but his expression was normal like he is seeing her for the first time. Looking at him with a wide eyes Meera was stunned to see him again after three years in this temple at this time.

God what type of game you're playing in my life by creating this unwanted situation, she thought and left a quiet breath. When she realized her state she doesn't know what to do, but Vikranth turned his gaze to the person standing next to him and started talking to him casually.

Meera didn't wait for a single moment, she immediately turned and strolled out of the place without having a second thought about Renu, after coming out of the temple she stopped realized it. She can't leave her just like that so she again went inside to find her.

"Why did you leave me I searched for you everywhere," she asked when she found her.

"Sorry but I have to go, let's leave please," Meera squinted her eyes and her words trembled since she is too afraid to face him again.

"No mom said she's also coming and she asked us to wait," Renu told without understanding about Meera's situation.

"No Renu I am having one important work in the home so I can't," she said and tried to go.

"Oh ok you go," Renu told that in a disappointed tone, realizing that she is acting weird here Meera calmed herself.

"Okay Renu, shall we wait there," Meera pointed a place to sit.

She thought even if I go what is going to change? He did not even show any signs as he remembered me, and why I am afraid of him. God is giving a difficult time for me and I have to be strong in this at least.

They sat and Meera tried to avoid seeing the direction from where he will come out. And she even looked down to hide her face.

"Why you're nervous is anything bothering you?" Renu questioned observing her.

"No I am not nervous, I just need some water," Meera scoffed.

"Oh, then I will get you some water," Renu walked away. Why he is here? Did he recognize me? But I don't think he did. Whatever I am no one to him right? Then she heard someone calling her name and it was Renu's mom.

"Meera why you are sitting here?" she asked me before she could answer Renu also came with water.

"Here," she gave it and Meera drank it in a gulp.

"Okay, I am leaving," Meera said to them.

"Wait we will go together," Shanthi convinced her.

"Okay I will wait here," Gathering her courage she finally decided to face this and they went to pray.

Each second she got more nervous, one thing she noticed that he's so good and happy but she is living with a thought that she is a great sinner so that she can't even have the courage to live in this world.

So this is the gift for believing you, God? She chuckled.

When she was in her thoughts, she felt someone presence in front of her and she raised her head to meet that person who she never wanted to see again in her life.

He was wearing black tailored slacks and a half white shirt. His overall appearance has changed entirely compared to three years before. He has grown a stylish beard and become even more muscular which is complementing for his tall frame. Totally he again gave those weird feelings to Meera, she doesn't know why she is even thinking about his appearance. He gazed Meera from head to toe the same way when the first time he saw her.

"Meera...?" He asked and tried to look her face properly. She doesn't know what to do, and she avoided to show her face.

"No, you have mistaken," she told the dumbest thing to escape and walked as fast as she could. Her heart was beating like it's going to explode. Her hands were trembling with fear. At a certain point, she couldn't walk and stumble on the midway.

The drizzling rain drenched her fully. Looking deep into her thoughts her eyes started shedding tears.

What is happening to me why I am so afraid of him? Why he came again? Now only I tried to forget about everything, what I am going to do now? God, what you're going to do in my life she sobbed and her tears brimmed out of her eyes without her control.