Heartless Beast

I sat in the front pew, clutching my two-year-old son who was perched on my lap. I sat staring numbly at the casket containing the body of the man who had been my lover, my best friend and the father of my young son.

Jack Stevenson

The simple service had ended. The small church with its well-worn wooden pews was half deserted. The voice of the pastor, the murmur of the other members of the congregation seemed to fade into the background, a droning sound I was dimly aware of. My eyes were fixed on the casket, a simple wooden one, in which the body of my beloved partner of the past three years, Jack Stevenson, lay. He lay motionless, a serene expression on his face. The way he used to look when he was sleeping beside me.

Only, now he was too far away from me in spirit. Too far away to open his blue eyes and gaze at me in his gentle manner, the love shining in his eyes as he gathered me in his arms.

I shuddered, trying not to sob.

I felt so utterly alone.

***

We had never gotten married.

We had never felt the need for it. He had almost been forty years of age when I met him and I had just turned nineteen. I know, it made my parents question my decision too, just as I am sure you must be doing.

But we had been so happy, so lost in each other; there had been no need for a certificate or a ceremony to make it legal and prove a point to the world. The difference in our ages was something I never thought of, I simply loved Jack with all my heart, he of the gentle blue eyes, the caring nature...the father of my son.

We had not been churchgoers- my upbringing was totally different and Jack was not a person who believed in such things either.

The pastor had been apologetic and a little annoyed with me, when I had gone along with Joe Seaton, my late partner's best friend, to meet the pastor for a funeral service. Joe had wanted it for Jack Jr. and I had gone along, too numb to protest.

The old pastor, Father Clark had not been too happy to see me; after all, we were not formally man and wife in the eyes of the Church. But in some part of my mind, I had also wanted my Jack to have a respectful burial. And even the overwhelming displeasure emanating from Father Williams had not put me off.

As I sat there now, forlorn and alone on the hard wooden seat in the unfamiliar church, I was aware that the handful of people who had turned up at the church this morning had only arrived to get a look at me or to pass snide remarks.

I shivered and my son, Jack Jr. looked up at me, his big blue eyes fearful.

I could feel the malevolent gazes of the people around me as I sat huddled into myself, most of them had come for another reason.

Of course, to watch the fun when his ex-wife, Andrea Miller-Smythe turned up as she planned to do,

***

Before

Jack and I had always kept a safe distance away from the majority of the townspeople. Particularly those women who had been close friends with Andrea Miller Smythe, Jack's ex-wife. I had only a couple of friends here in the town. It was with some difficulty that I had realized that within the small tightly knit community of Carrow Hill, I would never be accepted. They would always see me as an outsider.

In their eyes, I would always be the one who had hitched onto Jack. The Whore.

This was regardless of the fact that I had come into Jack's life a year and a half after his wife had walked out on him. She had married his former business associate with who she had been carrying on an affair.

But I was the one who was reviled by the townspeople.

There's the Shameless Sl*t ; that was how one of them had described me, announcing it loudly when I had walked into the local baker's. I remember I had been beaming, on my way to get us some bread. The loud insult, meant to be heard by me and everyone in the tiny shop had left me shocked.

It had hurt me deeply, coming as I did from a commune where everyone was supportive and caring. All my childhood had been spent in the midst of caring, loving people. This sort of mindless hostility bordering on hatred frightened me. Seeing my distress, Jack had comforted me. After that horrible day, he had made it a point to accompany me if we ever visited the town and would never leave my side.

NOW

My son sat perched on my lap, the spitting image of Jack. Little Jack Jr. was sucking his thumb. He did that when he sensed that I was upset. And that had happened frequently in the past few days after my beloved partner Jack had suddenly passed away in his sleep,

I lowered my face to little Jack's head of brown hair,

Jack Stevenson had become my lover from the time I had wandered inadvertently into the small town of Carrow Hill in my little old Mini.

***

I had been a student and I had chosen to leave the commune where my parents had been living. That had been the only world I had known; a world of love shared laughter and happiness. Where no one held grudges, where I had first discovered what it meant to love a man and share my body with him, unconditionally. So when I had turned eighteen, my parents had supported me in my decision to leave, to see the world.

The fact that I had no job in hand, had not stopped me. My father was an artist and Mom was a sculptor. They lived quite happily on the little money they made by selling their art in the local market. They had encouraged me to go ahead, giving me some cash to spend. I had managed to travel to Mid-Western America, taking up small jobs along the way, driving the old Mini my Dad had gifted me. It had been a great adventure but I soon began to tire of it. When I got lost and my car broke down one evening in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere, a road with dense undergrowth bordering it on both sides,, I had been on the verge of calling Dad and asking him to help me get back home.

Fate had dictated otherwise. I had met Jack. And that had changed the course of my life.

It had been Jack who had stopped his truck to help me fix my puncture that cold winter evening as I stood, lost and uncertain by the side of the road in the gathering dusk. A tall, lean man with a head of coppery hair, he had smiled reassuringly at me as he jumped down from his truck and approached me. He was wearing an old brown jacket over a plaid cotton shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. But his manner was comforting and I felt a sense of comfort, of knowing that I could trust him.

'Trouble, young lady?' he had asked, a lop-sided grin on his craggy face, disarming me with his genuine concern. Unlike most of the men I had met, Jack had not stared at my body, at my large breasts to be precise. Instead, he had fetched the tools from his truck and soon, my little Mini was back on the road. As I thanked him shyly, he had smiled gently and asked,' So where are you heading to, then?'

I had smiled and told him the truth.

I had no particular destination in mind, I was travelling around before I headed home, back to the commune on the East Coast.

He had frowned, concern writ large on his face.

Then he had said,

'You can stay here tonight if you wish.'

I had learnt the hard way that the offers from strangers one met on the road were not made out of the goodness of their heart, there were always strings attached. Particularly if they found out that I had belonged to a commune and had spent my childhood and youth there. There was a strange notion that such a girl would be willing to jump into bed with any man who spoke to her.

Automatically, I stepped back at once.

Seeing the look of alarm on my face, he had hastily added,

'No, I meant, I have a friend who stays in town. You can stay the night with his wife and him before heading on. It's not safe ...' he murmured as he looked at me and glanced around at the gathering dark,

I coloured. The look of intense admiration he gave me as he ran his eyes over my face and body made me feel desired. Not in a filthy way.

Instinctively, I had taken him up on his offer.

***

He had helped me find a place to stay that night in the small town as he had promised. The lawyer who happened to be a good friend of his, named Joe Seaton and his wife Beth,, had agreed to let me stay the night.

Jack had turned up the next morning to help me try and get a job. It amused me to see the eagerness in his earnest face as he seemed so desperate to make me stay on in the small town. I was a trained preschool teacher, having done my courses online and I loved little kids. My experience was of course, limited to helping out with the little kids in the commune but I was willing to learn more.

But there was no vacancy in the local school.

As we walked back to his truck, I mused; I was grateful to him for his chivalrous behaviour, for his obvious genuine concern towards me. After a long while, I had met a man who reminded me of my own Dad, a man who could be trusted, a man who treated a woman with respect, not regarding her as just an object of lust.

***

Mrs Seaton had told me a little about Jack as we sat sipping coffee the next morning before Jack arrived. His wife had been a glamorous beauty. They had been high school sweethearts at Carrow Hill High but she had trained as a model and had gone on to work in the city.

Jack had followed her, taken up a job and later, set up his own accounting business with a partner. He had been wildly successful and Andrea had reunited with him. Beth Seaton said darkly at this point,

"Jack was doing fantastically. He had made a lot of money as he had invested wisely. He had a great career going for him. That scheming woman saw him as a way to lead a luxurious life and clung to him. Poor fool. He was besotted by her and could not see the mean streak in her.'

Beth told me that Jack's former wife, Andrea, was manipulative. Once they were married, she had soon tired of poor Jack who had worshipped her. She had a lot of flings, nothing serious. But when Carter came onboard Jack's firm as a legal advisor, it was the last straw. According to Beth, Andrea flung herself at him openly. But Jack had chosen to look the other way.

Matters came to a head one day.

'When Jack discovered them making out in his office, he gave her an ultimatum. She walked out on him.' Said Beth sadly, nibbling on a cookie.

But Andrea had managed to get him to sign huge alimony. Poor Jack was too broken to put up a fight. He sold out his shares in the company and returned to Carrow Hill, to lick his wounds.

Beth sighed as she rose to refill the coffee. I sat at the kitchen table, my chin in my hands, contemplating the fate of poor Jack.

He continued to work, she went on, he was too good at his job to be written off. But he handed over his house in the city to Andrea and only kept the cabin for himself. He had yet to find himself a good woman who would help him get over that evil nymphomaniac, added Breth savagely.

Curious, I asked,

"Didn't Jack...he could have ...?

Beth caught on to my confused thoughts immediately. Sliding me an old fashioned look she pushed a new platter of cookies to me and munching on one, she said,

"That man has not had another woman since Andrea.' She sighed and scowled. "He is still young, just thirty-eight, not ancient, but he hides away in the woods, only comes to pick up provisions.'

Beth shook her head

'Kept waiting for months he did, thinking she would return to him. Carter walked out on her, you see. But ...'

Here Beth shook her head, dusting the crumbs from the surface of the table as she went on,

'He's never even gone out with another woman. Stays in that cabin of his like a monk.'

I looked up and caught a look on her face as she studied me for a second.

But Jack's truck drove up just then and whatever Beth had been about to tell me, was forgotten.

He beamed when he saw me, his blue eyes twinkling, the deep cleft in his cheek prominent as he grinned.. He was in a fresh plaid cotton shirt and jeans, wearing boots that looked dusty. I felt a stirring in my heart as I saw him. He looked like a person who would hold your hand and never leave you. Simple and unassuming.

After the school, we visited refused to accommodate me saying they were already overstaffed, my shoulders drooped as we started back. Seeing my look of abject disappointment as we walked back to his truck, he sat for a minute musing, behind the wheel of his truck.

I had grown comfortable with him and after meeting Beth and Joe who were his closest friends, I knew that Jack was no predator. He had a guileless look on his good looking face, his blue eyes blinking rapidly behind his glasses when he was trying to convince someone. I had warmed to him immediately.

Leaning my head against the old headrest of his truck, I thought of the long journey back home and I sighed unconsciously. Somehow, Jack and the pretty little town of Carrow Hill seemed too appealing. I realized with a start that I did not want to leave!

I became aware that Jack was watching me. Turning to face him, I surprised a look of longing on his face. But his question took me by surprise.

He asked, hesitantly,

"Look, I know this is silly but...could you come and work for me? '

I looked up at him from under my lashes, curious. He was a good looking man, with a deep cleft in his left cheek when he smiled. Clean-shaven and smelling good, he looked non-threatening. I had met all sorts on my journey as my Dad had warned me I would but Jack was so obviously not the sort of man my Dad had warned me about.

I stared into his smiling, warm blue eyes and waited for him to go on.

"I need...' he looked shamefaced as he said it, 'Actually, I need a housekeeper. I ...'

My face must have registered my astonishment because he immediately threw his hands up

"I'm sorry...I mean...'

He rubbed his forehead as he muttered almost to himself,

"Damn, I should know better than to ask you. You're a trained teacher, you obviously would not want to keep house for a single man ...'

I laughed and interrupted him, shaking my head, my long wavy blonde hair which I wore in a braid, flying with the vigorous movement. Reaching out, I touched his wrist as it lay on the steering wheel and his eyes shot to my face.

"No, no!' I said, shaking my head, giggling,' It's just that I never did think anyone would employ me as a housekeeper!'

I giggled, again,' I'm not yet twenty. And my Mom used to get really mad at me for leaving my space so messy!'

His silence made me turn to look at him and I blushed at the warmth in his eyes.

"How old are you then, Melissa Tripp? 'he spoke in a soft voice almost as though he was afraid of the answer.

"I'm nineteen. I ...shall be twenty in seven months though,' I said shyly, tucking the tendrils of golden hair behind my ear.

He quickly turned his head and said in a soft voice, almost pensively,

"I am thirty-eight.'

There was an awkward silence. With a start, I realized that I was looking at him like a woman eyes a man she desires to have. I was beginning to feel a strange attraction towards this kind man who had helped me and who still wanted to keep me close to him. We had only known each other for a few hours but I was already comfortable with him, feeling a sense of safety that I had rarely felt before. Although he barely knew anything except for my name and the fact that I was out to look around and explore the world before I took up a full-time job.

He sighed and began speaking.

'Look, the thing is, my wife left me a little more than a year ago.' His voice wobbled and I looked at him sharply. He swallowed and went on,

"She...I haven't been able to get back on track...'

And then, almost half to himself,

"The house is a mess. Andrea was very good at keeping things in order.'

He turned and smiled, his hair tousled, his blue eyes on me, pleading.

"So, could you...? I mean I will pay you...' and he named a sum that had me open my mouth in astonishment.

"Hey, hold on!' I cried in alarm, sitting up straighter. "You live in a house, not a palace or something right? I mean...'

He roared in laughter and I smiled, I could not help it.

"No, my dear Melissa.' He said, his eyes brimming with laughter. The way he said My Dear Melissa made my body tingle. I really liked him. It was simply so old world!

'It's just that I do not want to take advantage of you. And I can easily afford it. So yes, I shall be paying you. Well.'

And then, almost shyly,

"Are you...? I mean, will you consider...?'

I started out and thought for a while, biting my lip. I was almost at the end of my journey. I had not intended to return before the end of summer and it would be great to have a small nest egg saved when I got back.

Turning, I grinned. He was looking at me, literally holding his breath, his eyes fixed on my profile. I simply could not resist that woebegone puppy dog look.

"Yes, I said cheerfully,' I'm in.'

The look of joy on his face chased away whatever inhibitions I had had. But at nineteen, I was the kind to think with my heart, not my head.

After texting my parents about my whereabouts, we set off to his cabin which was tucked away in the woods, facing the lake.

I jumped down from the truck, staring wide-eyed at the view.