He used to hate her

Madison Grace:

Stay numb and carry on...

too young to hate someone...

I opened my journal as I stopped singing. The more I look into my journal, the more I want to cry. All I could tell to myself is, 'Madison Grace, suck it up. You are not a child. Xander is in your past. You don't have to recall the past.'

The past sucks. I don't wanna think about it. But I assure you, that I will tell you about it soon. Right now, you guys need to know about me. About my stupid, useless life. I'm 22 years old who was working in a company with more salary. But now, I'm jobless. My parents can't help me financially. I need to help them financially. That's why I came abroad to study and found a good job. But the company got closed. Now, I and my friend are jobless. Did I tell you about her? She's Sofia Maria. She's my best friend in my awful school days. She helped me with a lot of things ( including the problems I have faced with I fell in love with Xander). I and Sofia live in an apartment with a single room. Just a single big hall which contains a kitchen, bedroom. We are so pathetic. I never have any good memories to recall. Not even Xander.

Loving him is the biggest mistake. I don't blame him for hating me. It's the incident and persons who caused that situation. But it hurts that the boy I used to love, hates me. It's okay if he doesn't love me. But the hatred kills me. He's the smartest boy in the whole class. I met him in my ninth grade. At that time, I have been so eager to know about him. In a year, I was madly in love with him. It's defiently not because he's from a millionaire family.

I don't care how much money he got. All I care about is him. His character...the way he talks...the way he smiles...how he used to help everyone expect me ( there's a whole lot of reasons for it which is supposed to be hidden now). I got hypnotised by his hazel hair, ocean eyes, his perfect jawline.

I couldn't really know more about him. I never get to be his friend. But something in my heart is not letting him go even after all these years. I still believe I get to be with him. That he's my soulmate. Talking about soulmate seems stupid to some people. I have been the one who believed it all my life. In simple words, I still believe. I still believe that we are destined to be together no matter how impossible it seems.

" Close that stupid journal. All you wrote is about Xander. Xander. Xander. Is he worth it, Madison?" Sofia scolded me out of care for me.

" I'm sorry. I caught up in some bad memories. But I won't throw this. I know you are going to say that." I told her clutching my dairy tightly in case she made a move to tear the papers or throw the whole damn dairy.

" I know you won't do that. Why wasting my time? Just forgot it, Madison. It's been four years. Since you transferred to another school and worked in a company for two years. I don't know why you still can't forget him. He's out of your life."

The moment she said the last word, I frowned. Yeah, she's right. Iam wasting my time with an idiotic belief. I'm never gonna meet him again. Even if I did, he still hates me.

" Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You are beautiful, Madison. You have a good heart. You deserve someone like you. You don't need to go behind someone who doesn't love you. I'm not being harsh. I just want to say that you deserve the best. " Sofia apologized.

" I wish you are right. I wish someone good happens in my life. Once in my life. I just found my old journal. That's why I got distracted by these feelings. This isn't the right time for this. We need to find another job. We are running out of money." I said, looking at our messy room. Nobody could live in our messy single room.

" Yeah, I was gonna talk about that. I already got a job for us. There's no need for an interview but I'm not sure whether you like that job." Sofia said with hesitation.

" You got a job? That's amazing. All we need a job. Which company?" I asked eagerly. But without an interview which company will give us a job?

" It's not a company. I got a waitress job in a cafe. That's the least I can do, Madison. Please don't say no to this. The owner just wants two waitresses. This job is better than doing nothing. What do you say? Our work starts tomorrow."

" What??? This is way too fast. I...I can't anything but accept this. Tell me about the salary and the cafe." I told her, deciding to accept it. I need to concentrate on what's important. Going behind my love for Xander isn't gonna do anything. The more I seek to love, it goes away from me. It's better if I let go. I need to let go of something that isn't for me. Am I right?

.....

I got all the information I needed about the cafe. I started the day with a little smile on my face. " So, you two are the new waitress? Good. Wear this uniform and start serving the customer. I don't think I need to teach you how to serve?" The owner, a short guy in his thirties spoke.

" Nope. We will start working. Thank you for the job." Sofia said, taking the uniform to the dressing room. The uniform isn't that bad. A mixture of light orange and red. But it reminds me of the 'Two broke girls' series. Did I become poor in just a poor? Oh, god. I guess my life is falling apart. Nope, it already fell apart. I don't think it could be fixed.

For the rest of the day, I worked hard. The job wasn't difficult. But I feel like the salary isn't enough. And I wish I could find some job better than this.

" Is it time for us to leave? I'm too tired." I told Sofia while taking the menu to give to the new costumers.

" Umm, just half an hour. Bear with it, please. You got no other choice." Sofia pleaded. I need to adjust. Sofia was the one who got the job for both of us. We need to go this to live.

" Yeah, We got more days to work here. It's just the first day. I can do this." I told, bringing up a smile on my tired face. I walked up to a couple to give the menu. I asked what they want to eat. Suddenly, my heart started beating faster without a reason. I didn't saw the girl's face. But the boy turned towards me before he got the menu card from me. I recognized him. How could I not? He's...Xander. Xander who used to hate me. Who I used to love unconditionally. No, this should not happen. I decided to forget him. I don't want to see him again when he doesn't belong to me. He was never mine. And never will be. Then why the hell am I seeing him again? And then he spoke a single word.

" You?"

I don't know what should I say next. I'm speechless. Why god has to torture me like this. At that moment, my mind goes back to my worst past in a flash. The worst nightmare...

Right when I was in my ninth grade. I was never been happy with my life ( which I'm not ready to tell unless the time comes). But when he entered my life. Everything collapsed around me. I was studying in the same school all my life but I have never seen him. He's transferred from Spain. I heard he have been travelled around many countries. Now, he was supposed to be here. To see me. And destined to hate me.

I was tapping my pen on my table and curling my hair with my hand. He caught my attention when he entered the class. I shouldn't be staring straight at him like that but I couldn't stop myself. It was like my heart is telling me that 'he's the one. That whispering was ringing somewhere in my ears. I got lost in his eyes. I never had this feeling and mesmerised like this. I realised he's my first crush. Not only a crush. Love at first sight. It may sound silly, but that's how it is.

He sat in front of me. My heart almost skipped a beat at that moment. When the class started, all my attention is on him even though I'm seeing his back. I wished I could talk to him. I was desperate for it in a single period. I couldn't get that chance or the courage to talk. He just turned sideways to talk with a boy next to him. I looked at his shinning hazel hair. His voice was sexy like him.

" Dude, stop saying that. You are boring me," He said. I don't know what he's talking about but I could hear it for all centuries. In this advanced world, when everyone is falling in and out of love and in and out of bed, I'm here staring at a boy with a secret crush for the very first time.

That's when someone shook my shoulder. " Hey, are you coming? We have to go to the next block for French class?" I looked up at my best friend Veronica and Sofia was standing next to her.

" Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," I told her and absent-mindedly followed her outside the class. I looked at the unknown hot boy who hypnotised me without knowing it. For a minute, I felt like he looked at me. I would probably be imagining things.

When we got to the next class, I didn't utter a single word to my friends. I know Sofia and Veronica are my two best friends. I couldn't imagine my life without them. We three can never be parted apart. But still, I felt silly about telling this little feeling to my friends. Maybe these feelings would pass by soon.

Days passed by, months passed by, a year passed by. Now, I'm obsessed with him. Did I tell you his name? He's Xander. The moment I heard his name, the name was ringing in my ear like a wedding bells. But I can't plan a June Wedding like Caroline did in the Vampire Diaries. My life doesn't work the same way. Anyways, It's not only his face that made me fall in love with him. It's his character too. I have never seen a sweet millionaire guy. Since his parents are rich, he should be a filthy rich bad boy. But that's not how he behaves to anyone. He can be sweet and cold whenever he wants. Of course, I'm not the only one who falls in love with him. A lot of girls are head over their heels for him. But not everyone caught his attention. He's too smart to be fooled by girls who are coming behind him for his money. He's good at analyzing people with hidden intentions. The only time I get to talk with him is in the classroom.

" Wow, you are proving that you are a nerd every time you get this, " He commented when he saw my test marks. I don't want to blush for that single line he talked. I managed to smile a little and looked at his marks.

" Yeah, but not as good as you. Am I the only nerd?" I said, as he laughed and replied.

" That was a one-time thing, Madison," he said and turned back. So, now you know, it's not hatred from the beginning. But it would be due to...I will save it for later.

......

" It was so much fun a week ago. The only thing I missed is you. Why didn't you come to that Friday party, Madison?" Veronica asked me while we three of us are sitting in a park and enjoying the cold breeze.

" Well, I'm an introvert, duh. No matter how many times you ask me, I'm not coming to a party every week. I really need to charge my social energy." I replied to her.

" Okay, we understand you. But how do you have your charge full when you are with us?" Sofia questioned me.

" I don't need my charge when I'm with you guys. Don't you know that?"

" Yes, we do. But I'm just trying to change you. I guess I failed again." Veronica shook her head and we all become silent thinking of something to talk about. If I could count how many friends I have, I can only raise two fingers. That's it. But that's worth it and the best than having uncountable friends. That's when it stricks me. Why shouldn't I share my feelings with my friends? I would feel relieved if I did that. Plus, I have to make a move to get Xander's attention. It's killing me to seeing him single and with unconditional love for him. I know many things about him but I never get to be his friend. How can I get to know him fully without talking with him?

" So, what do you guys say if I said I have a crush on someone in our class?" I started with a lot of hesitation. Both of their eyes on me with curiosity.

" Wow, I didn't see this coming. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Am I dreaming?" Veronica got too excited while Sofia was speechless. They know that I'm not the one who even lay my eyes on a boy. I'm not a lesbian but a girl with a fucked-up life. I have a lot of problems in my family which made me who I am? I don't want to exaggerate it.

I had an older sister named Tracy who died in a car accident. When our family was dealing with that tragic accident, my dad becomes a drunk addict. He couldn't handle that pain and that almost made him forget that he has a second daughter to take care of. But I don't blame him. Because that accident affected my mother too. She lost her mind for real. She becomes Psycho and imagining things that don't exist. One of the imagination is that my sister is alive. My mom didn't stop there. She's in search of the killer who did that accident to kill him. With the help of some relatives, I tried my best to bring back my mom who was happy when my sister was alive. But I failed. Now, she's in our relative's house well taken care of and dad's a drunk who visits home rarely. And I came abroad to study with financial help from my relatives. But when I grow up, I have to earn. I have to survive and payback for my relatives who are dealing with my parents. I have shared this with my two best friends. But that doesn't go to bring back my sister or the happiness I lost in me. I'm grieving for my one and only sister who's a part of my life. When Tracy died, one part of me died leaving me miserable. In simple words, my life is fucked-up. Every pain is in the past, present and it could be in my future too. I lost my hope a long time ago.

While having all these grieves, this is a feeling I got for someone. I know I got these feeling cause I'm looking for someone who could patch all the broken pieces of my life. My whole family has shattered four years ago. All I got is my two best friends. Is it wrong to look for love? with who I could share my life? When my heart tells that Xander's the one. Now I'm pouring it, so it won't add up to one of my miseries.

" Who is that, Madison? Say it right now. I couldn't wait any longer." Veronica urged me. I got back from the past memories trying to feel numb.

" Um...I'm in love with Xander for a year,"

Oh my god, he's one of the hottest guys in our class. I should have guessed it a long time ago. You have always been distracted at classes when Xander was sitting in front of you." Sofia said with a lot of excitement. While Veronica stayed silent for a minute. I think she's taking whatever I'm saying into her mind. But she has a bright smile on her face like she's so happy for me. The thing is Xander has no idea that I have a crush on him. So, what's the point with all this excitement? Unless some situation gives me chance to make him fall in love with me.

You don't know how much my life will be good if that's happened.

" You should take it to the next level. Does he talk to you? Try to make him your friend. That will do the remaining things. You are hot like him and there's all possible way for him to like you." Veronica encouraged me.

" You are saying that I'm hot because you are best friends. That's not how it works. I just confessed what's in my heart. This is gonna be a secret love hidden forever." I told them firmly so they won't push me to give it a try. I have already seen enough failures in my life. I don't want to add up this to the list.

" Secret...No, you never know what will happen unless you give it a try. Try to act friendly with him. That doesn't include studying because that's what you are talking with him from what I know." Sofia suggested. I nodded while Veronica suggested something that almost gave me a panic attack.

" You should directly tell him what you feel. Some girls do that. I know it and I know that it works. Even if you didn't get a reply right at the minute, he will think about it and decide to spend time with you. That's enough in the beginning. Just give it a try. Trust me." Veronica sincerely said. All I could say now is, 'I will try. But need more time.

I thought about that. What could go wrong if I told what I feel. I will feel relieved and something good happens. But I guess I can take some time for it. Maybe a month or so...that could work.

Days passed by. Again and again...The more I talked with him, the more I fell for him. But I don't know whether he has a little bit of feelings for me. Somehow, I'm glad he's still single. He's selective in choosing a girl. He's not a filthy-rich boy who sleeps with everyone. That's never gonna be him.

" Whoa...Veronica...what's the rush?" I asked when she almost bumped into me outside the class.

" Hey, Madison. I...I will explain it later. Can you take my notebook to our class?" She asked and of course, in the evening she explained it all. Veronica and Percy ( a senior sports guy) had an intimate moment and she almost hooks up with him. So, the first word I wanna say is gross. Do you know why did I say that? She hasn't got any feelings for him. She's interested in sports guys and flirts with a lot of them. I don't want to judge anyone, especially not my close friend. Whatever she says about the encounter with boys, I would hear it.

But Sofia doesn't have any incidents like this. She's like me. No, not like me. I'm a girl who's crushing on a guy secretly? Sofia isn't interested in anyone. Not even celebrities. I wish I know what makes her like that? But she says she doesn't even know the answer to it. Maybe she would fall in love after few years.

When exams came closer, I got no time to spend time with my friends. We barely talked and have no idea what they are doing. We three will equalize it by having a girl's night every day after all the exam stress.

That's when we had an annual day celebration in our school after two months. Our whole class had no classes. It's in the evening and we can do whatever we want in class till the celebration starts.

" I like this. Everyone got divided into all different ways. We got a whole day for ourselves. What are we gonna do?" Sofia asked as we walked in the corridor while all the other students are wandering everywhere on the third floor. But one of us is missing. We called Veronica but she said she's in the middle of something.

" What did she say? She's too late. This is the day we got time to spend together." Sofia complained.

" She said she's in the middle of something. That wasn't brief enough to understand," I said, keeping my phone inside my jeans pocket.

" Middle of hooking up with Percy. Nowadays, she's spending time with Percy a lot." Sofia sounded angry.

" Oh, maybe she's interested in him for real. When did you saw them together?" I asked.

" Well, it was a week ago. And then it was too difficult to spot here after class is over," she said. I will be happy if Percy's her boyfriend, but we should be her priority too.

" Can you go to our class? It seems like something going on here," Sofia sneaked in and called me in. I have no interest in spending time in the same class but I spotted Xander. My feet followed Sofia without hesitation. Xander seated at the table with his leg on the desk.

" Hey girls, you wanna join the game too. All are invited to truth or dare," A guy said. There are seven to eight girls and boys. I would defiently feel claustrophobic but that's okay. Xander's here and I'm not going back.

" Yeah, did you started the game already?" Sofia asked as we seated together.

" Yep, but you both are counted in too," Then they started one by one. If my chance comes, I would take the truth. I couldn't bear the risk of taking the dare. But most of them, choose dare. Some girls caught up in a situation of kissing a boy. Others passed and convinced them to change the dare. In the middle, everyone chatted and made sure we all are having fun inside the class.

Suddenly Xander called us." Hey, I have always seen you three of them together. Where's Veronica?"

" She's not here now, Xander."

" We three are not unseperatable like twins. Why are you asking?" Sofia asked. Before he could say something, the bottle spins and points in my direction. I gotta answer to my classmate, Henry, the blonde guy.

" What do you choose? I will make sure it's easy since you came to play with us for the first time," If I choose truth, it would look like I'm afraid. I can beat the odds.

" Dare,"

" Okay, so let me think. What should I give?" He said, running a hand over his hair.

" Kiss a boy you like who doesn't have a girlfriend. I'm sure there's half of the boys sitting here are single. In fact, I'm included in the list too. You can choose me too," He said like he wanted me to choose him. But what should I do? I don't want to choose Henry because he asked for it.

" Give that girl a choice. She's not going to choose you." another guy said.

" I gave her a choice. And I'm good enough to get chosen." He proudly said. He's somewhat right. But I don't want to fake it by kissing someone without liking him. This would be my first kiss. I don't want it to be fake. I should probably leave this game. If I say that I never kissed someone, I will be embarrassed.

I looked at Sofia for the next move. Her looks tell 'do what you like, don't hesitate. It's just our classmates. It will stay with us.'

By the way, you all know what I want. I want Xander. Always. If I let it flow by, I will never get a chance. I might look like a frightened girl but I got enough courage to do what I want to do. Let's do this and don't regret it. I can handle it no matter what response I get.

I'm going to kiss Xander.