Gamble With My Heart

"Please don't. I'm begging you please."

"I like it when you beg me Mia. It makes you look even more beautiful."

"Please you're a good person, don't do this to me."

"The tears in your eyes just makes your green eyes shine brighter. Wow look at that, so beautiful. I always craved you and now I can finally taste you."

I could hear myself screaming but I felt paralyzed by fear.

"Mia! Mia! Mia! Please wake up.

I woke up and a piercing scream escaped from my mouth. I clung to my best friend Rue while wild tears flowed down my face. It happened again, I couldn't believe that I had the same dream again after trying everything I could to stop having those dreams. Was I crazy? Was my mind sick or was I just weak? It happened 3 years ago but I still think about it. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing, my tears had already soaked Rue's T-shirt. I stayed in Rue's arms for an hour watching my tears soak her shirt and then fade away. I wish my memories could fade away just like my tears do but I knew that was wishful thinking. Anyone who had to experience half of what I had been through would have killed themselves by now but I kept believing that I was in this world for something else other than pain.

I would like to believe I was a strong person with a weak mind but that would be a lie and I hate liars. I have to give my mind props for not going mad. The little monster was adamant it wouldn't break. I wonder if I will ever find peace in my life. I just keep moving from one struggle to the other. When will I find peace? Question should be will I ever find peace. I think there are just people destined to not be happy in this world, I guess I'm one of them. I'm grateful for Rue without her. I don't know where I would be. She took me in 3 years ago when I ran away from home and helped me get a job. I was eternally grateful to her and owed her my life. Without Rue I would have been absorbed by the darkness that lives inside me because happiness has never lived inside me. I have seen people happy but the thought of being happy was a foreign concept to me.

I wonder why Rue chose to be my friend. She was loved by her family, she was pretty and she had money. I actually worked in her family restaurant because I was the boss's friend, so most people treated me with respect. They always ask me the same questions. How the hell did you and Rue become friends and how are ya'll able to stay friends? You see, Rue has a bit of a temper and I'm more timid and hate confrontation but we were able to become friends by respecting each other's boundaries.

We didn't only defer in the personality department. We also defer in the looks department. Rue dyed her hair dusty rose gold ( I remember because I went with her to the salon and spent a good 5 hours while the stylist perfected the color) . She had pale skin and had a supermodel figure. While I had brown long hair and olive skin with a little bit more curves than Rue. I hated my curves because it attracted the wrong men to me. Rue always said I could be a playboy model but that's not my idea of fun or amazing. Since I was young men always assumed I was older and tried their luck with me. It made me hate male attention and affection. Once someone asked me if I was Selena Gomez. I actually liked that question because Selena is hot, so it made me think I was as beautiful as her. The only thing me and Rue have in common is that we both tall. In everything else we are different. I had green eyes, she had blue eyes. I was a tom boy and she was a girly girl. I loved reading and she loved shopping. None of our hobbies matched but we still found a way to have fun together. I never had a best friend until Rue came along.

"Mia , are you okay?' I could hear the concern in Rue's voice but I kept quiet. I was still trying to figure out what to say without breaking down. After what felt like hours, I stood up and went towards the bathroom in my room.

"Jocelyn can you please leave? I need to get ready for class."

"Mia you can't keep shutting me out and pretending like you not in pain. I know you in pain. I could hear you screaming from down the hall. You need to get help."

"Help! Are you serious? What do you think I've been doing all these years? Was I just twiddling my thumbs? I went to a therapist, I tried hypnosis, I tried meditation. What else do you want me to do?"

"Try another therapist, you need to talk about this with someone."

"How is talking about it going to solve anything? Talking doesn't solve shit. After all that talking will the situation change?"

Rue looked down at her feet. I knew she was looking for a way to comfort me. Rue always tried to say something that would make me feel hopeful but I was not hopeful at all. Hope didn't live in me. Hope was a foreign body to me just like love was as rare as a truthful politician. It doesn't exist. I hate having a pity party for myself. I knew I had to force myself to get out of this depressive state. I was the only one that could get myself out of this depressive state.

I walked into my bathroom and closed the door. I needed to be alone. Every time I had that dream I always had to give myself a pep talk before I could fully function as a human again. I picked up my toothbrush and brushed my teeth while looking in the mirror. The person that stared at me looked like me but also looked sadder. I brushed my teeth vigorously until I could taste blood in my mouth. I wonder if that's a method of self harm. I doubt it but I know I always felt good when I felt blood in my mouth.

I put down my tooth brush once I had felt sufficient pain in my mouth. I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror. Why won't the person in the mirror go away? I keep splashing water on my face hoping and praying for my reflection in the mirror to disappear. I hate looking at my sad self in the mirror.

"Aaaah! Why can't I disappear? I slapped myself hard across the face to calm myself down.

"Look Mia you can do this. Stop letting your head win. You are tough, you are strong and you are amazing." I kept repeating the same words over and over again to myself hoping that maybe if I keep repeating it then maybe I will start believing it. It hadn't worked so far but it did help a bit. I stood up tall with my shoulders pushed back and trying to be as confident as I can be. I pointed at myself in the mirror and said "You will not succumb to the terrors of your past. You will not be another lost cause. You will not fail. You are beautiful and you are amazing. Don't let anything take your smile away. You are that bitch and you will forever be that bitch. "A smirk was all over my face. Although I still felt a bit down, talking to myself like that always made me feel better.

Now I felt I could take on the world again. "Okay Mia, time to be invincible. "I took off my clothes and I went into the shower. "Today is going to be a good day no matter what. "I thought if I keep saying it then maybe I can start believing it or fool myself into believing it. I can't be a sour puss everyday now, that would just make people run away from me. Although I feel depressed I would hate to make the people around me feel depressed too. So if it means spending 30 mins everyday forcing myself to smile until it looks natural then that's what I'm going to do.

The hot water on my skin felt so good. I liked making sure the water temperature was very hot, sometimes to hot that it sometimes left me with blisters but because I felt so cold inside I always tried to stay warm. Thinking that by being physically warm it would heal my cold heart. As I watched the water bounce off my body I started to relax and unwind. I felt good in the shower and it made me realize that it wasn't fair of me to talk to Rue the way I did this morning. She's my friend and I shouldn't have snapped at her the way I did this morning but I was also pissed at her trying to pressure me to go see a therapist when I wasn't ready to go see another one and get disappointed over the failed attempt to stop me from having the same dream every time.

SHOULD I APOLOGIZE TO RUE?

I wrapped a towel over my body and walked out the bedroom. Rue was no longer in the bedroom but I could hear her banging her closet doors and her drawers really loudly. I guess that was code for you pissed me off and your need to come make it right. I rubbed cream all over my body and looked for the least flattering thing in my closet. Anything that wouldn't draw attention to me was good enough for me. I put on some skinny jeans and a baggy shirt with some converse sneakers. I looked at myself in the mirror. "Great! No one can see my body shape in this.

Perfect!" As little attention as possible was my amo.

I walked into the kitchen, got some coffee and then pulled out some cream cheese and a bagel. Rue loved bagels and cream cheese while I was a cereal girl. I walked up the courage to walk into Hurricane Rue. I walked towards Rue's door, second guessing myself. Maybe I should apologize later? "Grab your lady balls(boobs) and gain some courage Mia." I told myself in the mirror in the hallway. I put on my cutest face and I knocked on Rue's door.

"Rue can I come in?"

"Why would you want to come into the room of nosey old me?"Yep Rue was angry

"Please can I come in?" I opened her door before she could give me an answer.

"I have bagels and coffee." I was going to bribe her to forgive me with food. Don't we all live to enjoy good food?

"I never said you could come in."

"Should I go back outside with the bagels?"

"Leave the bagels and you can go outside."

"Rue I'm sorry." I put on the face where I look like a lost puppy. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. It was my fault. Please forgive me?"

I could see her resolve fading. She was struggling to stay angry at me.

"Look at little old me. You can't be angry at me for long. Please, I'm sorry." I pushed my bottom lip out into a pout.

Ahahaha! Ahahaha! I watched Rue laugh at my pitiful state and I couldn't help laughing also. Ahahaha! Ahahaha!

"You are such a weirdo Mia."

"Thank you, I know and I'm proud of it."

"Sometimes I just want to smack you but then I look at that face and I have to stop myself."

"You know I could totally beat you down in a fight. You're really skinny."

"You do know you only weigh 20 pounds more than me. Stop acting as if you part of my 600 lb. life."

"I'm shocked that the way I eat I haven't gained weight yet."

"That's because you walk everywhere. Even if you could have taken a bus or train you prefer to walk."

"Well that's how I stay economical. I can't be spending money on transportation when I have 2 fully functioning legs."

"You will end up in the hospital if you keep walking everywhere"

"Well I use the school bus, so it's not like I walk everywhere."

"That's because the bus is free dumb ass." We looked at each other and laughed our asses off. One thing I liked about having a friend like Rue is that we could joke around with each other and tease each other but we knew there was no malice behind it. It was just youthful fun.

"Are you working tonight?"

"Yes ma'am. Why?"

"I'm going on a date tonight and if everything goes well, I might bring him back here."

I hated it when she brought men back to the house but it was her house and I didn't really have a say in it when I wasn't contributing.

"Um sure. If I come back early I will make sure I stay out of your way." I got up to leave so that I wouldn't miss the bus."

"Mia!" I heard Rue call my name.

"Remember everyone goes through pain. The difference between me and you is that I don't let it consume me. You have grown, stop letting this pain consume you into oblivion."

"Rue it's hard to let go."

"I know but you have to try."

"Thanks." I walked up to Rue and gave her a rib crushing hug.

"Ouch! Let go! You monster. I haven't forgiven you yet."

"The smile on your face says something totally different."

"You bastard, you know all my weaknesses."

"We wouldn't be best friends if I didn't use all your weaknesses to my advantage." I ran out of her room and grabbed my bag. I hope I don't miss the bus because that would mean I would have to walk to class and I wasn't in the mood to walk in this hot sun.

The walk to the bus stop is about a 15 min walk. We lived in a fancy neighborhood all thanks to Rue and her family. I was grateful to live in such a neighborhood. Spring in Essex Connecticut was amazing. The water glistened and the flowers on the trees were blooming. Essex is beautiful and it still feels like a dream to live here. I grew up in Derby Connecticut, which is an hour drive from here. I grew up in a low income neighborhood where I wasn't sure if I would go to bed with food in my belly. My mom didn't really care much about me. She focused on pleasing my step dad even if it meant destroying every piece of happiness her child was still clinging to. I wasn't allowed to have a dream.

From a young age I was already told that I would graduate high school and get a job to look after my mom. That was the only dream I was allowed to have. Most parents would ask their kids what they want to become in the future but my mom didn't want me to become anything in the future because she was scared she wouldn't be able to control me.

The first chance I got to leave that neighborhood I took it and never looked back. I think the reason my mom broke my confidence throughout the years is so that I wouldn't ever gather the courage to leave Derby. I believe she thought I had no hope and would surrender to her will but I'm grateful for Rue because she got me out of that situation. I met Rue when she was going through her bad girl stage. She was dating a guy that went to the same school as me. It was the talk of the school because a rich girl from Essex was dating a guy in Derby. She approached me one day when she visited my school, thinking I sold weed because according to her I fit the stereotypical stoner emo kid. She was shocked to find out I had never smoked before. We started talking while she waited for her boyfriend. I liked talking to her because she was everything I wasn't. She was bubbly and outgoing and I wished so badly to be like her.

I stubbed my feet on a bench while walking to catch the bus because I was too lost in my thoughts and how I met Rue. I looked at the time and I saw that I was late to catch the bus.

"Shit! Why do I have to be late for class on a Friday? A lot happened on Fridays and this was one day I didn't ever want to be late for any of the tasks that I needed to complete because that would just screw the other tasks over.

I ran to the bus stop while constantly checking my phone. I was 5 mins away from the bus stop but I knew the driver would arrive in 1 minutes time. I know this is a shitty thing to say but I wished the driver arrived late or had to use the bathroom because they had diarrhea or had to check their tires and would be late but today none of that happened. As turned the corner, I watched the bus drive off in the distance while I tried my best to run fast enough to catch it, I knew this wasn't a movie and the driver definitely wasn't going to stop for me. Just my luck. Every time I had that dream I always had a bad day. Hopefully it doesn't get worse. That was the last bus in the morning to campus. My class starts in 30 mins and I don't know how I'm going to get there. My campus is just 5 miles from the bus stop.

SHOULD I TAKE A TAXI OR SHOULD I WALK TO BE ECONOMICAL?

I guess I'm going to be late for class today. I had $20 in my pocket and $50 in my checking account. I could take a taxi or get an uber but that would be a waste of money. I guess I better start walking. I looked at the time 25 mins left before class starts, slash that I guess I better start running. I ran a lot but even I knew I couldn't run 5 miles in 25 minutes, I ain't no Usain Bolt. Gosh! I wish I was him because I would get to class in record time. I grabbed the shoulder straps of my bag and took a deep breath.

"You can do this Mia." A little encouragement before the start of the journey.

I started off at a slow pace, I was trying to match my breath with my footsteps. I looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day, the sky was so blue and the clouds were spread out beautifully. As I ran, memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes but I blocked it out. I wasn't ready to feel like shit again today. The college gates were up ahead and I had already been running for 35 minutes, so I was already sure that I was at least 10 minutes late.

As I ran through the campus, I could see people staring at me. It looked as if I got rained on but it was just sweat. I ran into the college bathroom closest to my class. I was already 20 minutes late so an extra 5 minutes of being late wouldn't affect anything. I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like a wet dog and that was definitely not the look that I was going for today. I always carried wet wipes and body spray. I wiped my armpits and under my boobs with the wipes then applied some body spray. I sweat a lot but luckily I didn't smell. Smelling bad in public was the absolute worst thing. It was actually a fear of mine. I brushed my hair and pulled it back into a high ponytail and walked out the bathroom. I put on my bitch face, say anything to me and you will be eaten alive. I walked into class with my head hanging low. At least I won't get reprimanded if I looked as pitiful as possible. I found the nearest seat to the door because I didn't want to search for a better seat because that would just draw too much attention to me.

"Wait! Wait!" I shouted at Jake after class. I got to class late which meant I had to spend extra time coping notes and figuring out all the work I missed. I normally wouldn't come to class on Friday because I only had one period but that period was with the devil incarnate Mr. Thompson, my business English lecturer. He always made us write notes and always gave us so many mini assignments to keep us busy during the weekend. According to him college is a time for us to study hard and improve ourselves instead of going out during the weekend to have fun. I can bet the last $50 in my account that he had no friends in college.

Mr. Thompson is so bad to the point that even when I was sick, I had to ask Rue to sit in class for me, copy notes and then get the weekend assignments for me. Mr. Thompson always said only one of the mini assignments would count towards our grades but he wouldn't tell us which one so that we could always put maximum effort into our assignments.

"Shoot me now."

"Mia, why were you so late today? Did you forget it was the devil's sperm period?" Jake said to me. I couldn't stop myself from laughing. We all had different names for Mr. Thompson but they all had to do with him being related to the devil.

"Trust me I didn't forget, I just missed the bus and had to run here."

"Why didn't you take a cab or call me? I would have picked you up." I shrugged my shoulders and looked down at my feet. I did that when I didn't have a good answer to give. Jake was a guy from my high school who managed to escape Derby. Although we were only an hour away from Derby it still felt like we had escaped. Jake and I weren't very close but we shared some sort of weird solidarity because we escaped, plus we were both studying business. Studying business was not my dream but my whole goal was to pick a major that would give me a job that would bring in money as soon as possible. I didn't really have a dream or an ideal job so I guess anything would have been fine.

"Do you wanna have lunch in the cafeteria?"

"Will you allow me to copy your notes?" I watched Jake laugh at my question. He had a pretty smile but just wasn't my type at all. He was tall and pretty muscular. I could tell he worked out because the veins in his arm were so huge. I always told him his face and body don't match because he has this manly body but has the face of a baby. I couldn't take Jake seriously sometimes because he had the cutest face with dimples on both cheeks.

"Do you want to split a plate of fried rice?"

"Really Mia? A plate is literally $2.50. Are you really going to be a cheapskate when it comes to food?" Our cafeteria was heavily subsidized but I still felt bad about buying food even though I love eating so much.

"Let's go Mia. I will pay for your food and allow you to copy my notes."

"No! I can't let you pay for my food." I never want a man to pay my bills because they always expect something in return. "I will pay for myself Jake"

"If you want to copy my notes then you gotta let me buy you lunch." When he said that I instantly turned around to walk back towards class hoping someone from Mr. Thompson period was still there so that I could copy their notes.

I felt Jake grab my elbow and try to stop me.

"Jeez Mia you can't take a joke. I'm just worried about you because you are losing so much weight."

"Well running 5 miles tends to have that effect on everyone."

"You know Mia, you actually have a weird sense of humor but it's cute."

"Thanks." I hated compliments because I didn't know how to react to them and I always ended up looking stupid. I smiled at Jake and started walking towards the cafeteria.

I know Jake gave me a compliment but my head didn't register it as a compliment. It felt more like an insult and I had to start analyzing my humor to figure out if I said anything wrong. That's the fucked up thing with me, good things seem bad to me while negative things seem good to me. I guess I can thank my mom for fucking my head up so much. I felt miserable most days but found a way to live through the misery. I was trying not to prove the phrase 'Misery loves company right' but it was so hard.

"Penny for your thoughts" I looked at Jake and laughed out loud so hard.

"That is the most cliché phrase ever. You got to do better than that dude."

"Hey! I'm studying business, not literature, okay."

"Well you did the literature department a good deed by not applying for their major." It felt good to tease Jake and laugh for a bit.

"Well I'm glad my choice of words was able to make you laugh Mia. You look pretty when you smile." Ugh why did Jake have to ruin the moment by complimenting me. I could spot the cafeteria from afar. It didn't look too full so that was good to know. I wasn't in the mood to be around many people. When was I ever in the mood to be around people?

I started walking fast, hoping that Jake would get the hint and stop talking. I didn't want anyone to compliment me no matter how innocent it was. I ignored most of what he said while we walked quickly to the cafeteria. The sooner we get there the sooner I can copy these notes and leave.

WAS I TOO MEAN TO JAKE?