FORBIDDEN DESIRES : A DIARY OF WOUND

Prologue

If love were blind, I would undoubtedly choose you. However, I am not a woman who always puts love on the top of the list. Love needs acknowledgment, not to be hidden or denied, no matter the reason. Love should be fought for, not surrendered without a struggle. To someone out there who once appeared and left behind sweet memories, even though it ended in disappointment.

If love were merely words, I might have succumbed to all your charms. But to me, the countless expressions of love uttered are just bedtime pearls of words. If only I could turn back time, I wish there were no colors in my life that revolve around your story. To someone out there who taught me that being betrayed is an excruciatingly painful experience.

If I may ask, never inquire why I accept all of this? Because I am weary of sweet words and the meaning of waiting for a word. I only want to experience what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. Never ask about the feelings in my heart. Because usually, when I confess to having those feelings in my heart, it will always be met with tears.

Just love me and accept all my flaws. To someone who will be my future partner.

Is it wrong for Anyelir to hope for a love story as beautiful as her name? When she learned the meaning of life, someone bestowed upon her such a beautiful name, undoubtedly hoping that the princess would have a happy life story.

When the heart must choose.

And the soul must battle.

Which one will emerge as the victor?

Emotion or Logic?

Anyelir opened her bedroom window. The morning sunlight streamed into her room, instantly brightening up the space. She was still smiling as she looked at the group chat on her cellphone.

Adinda: Anyeee, Emil keeps pestering me.

Nabila: Wow... someone's about to escape the singlehood soon.

Lala: Who is it... tell me. I'm curious.

Adinda: Anye... spill the beans, will you?

Anye immediately tossed her phone onto the bed. If she kept staring at the chat, she wouldn't get anything done. She started to pick out some clothes from her wardrobe. She was going to Grandma's house today, and fortunately, she would be going with her best friend.

While inspecting her wardrobe, her gaze fell upon a red plastic bag she had intentionally placed under it. She reached for the bag, a bit dusty from neglect. Anyelir blew off the dust and held her nose, as the dust tickled her nose. It had been two years since she last opened the bag, so it was only natural that dust had settled on it.

Her hands retrieved a pink diary along with its key. Memories from two years ago flooded her mind when she experienced what it meant to fall in love. This diary was where she poured out all her feelings. Strangely, there was only one name, besides her own, written inside it. Then, she took out several envelopes containing letters. She counted them; all still there. In the span of one year, she had received a total of 12 letters. She looked at the sender's initials - A.N, from West Java.

For a year, she diligently exchanged letters, always waiting for replies. They might have been just a sheet or two, but for Anyelir, they held more value than just a written letter. She would read those letters with a beautiful smile, often reading them multiple times. Falling in love was that simple for a girl named Anyelir Amaryllis. However, all of it stopped abruptly. It had been two years since their correspondence ceased. After not receiving any more letters, Anyelir was hesitant to write again, just to ask why there were no more replies. Maybe she was tired. Yes, she was exhausted when there was no progress. It wasn't just her who was tired; it was possible that the letter sender was too.

As she heard a knock on her bedroom door, Anyelir quickly tidied up the letters and put them back in the bottom drawer. She slipped the diary into her bag, which she would bring tomorrow.

Lala's sweet face appeared as Anyelir opened the door. She breathed a sigh of relief. "Huff... who else would it be?"

"Who did you think was knocking on your door? Your Prince Charming on a white horse? Dream on!" Lala lounged on her friend's bed. She only watched Anyelir, who continued arranging her clothes.

"Are you staying over tonight?"

"Yup, but for tonight, I'll borrow your pajamas. I'm too lazy to open my bag again." Lala pleaded.

"Don't worry. I've prepared some for you. Here you go." Anyelir handed her bunny-printed pajamas, which Lala happily accepted.

*****

After dinner, Anyelir and Lala spent time in the room. Lala was busy scrolling through her phone, searching for something online while also replying to messages from Nabila and Adinda. Meanwhile, Anyelir reread the letters she had found earlier along with her diary.

Reading page after page, a faint smile graced her beautiful face, catching Lala's attention. Apparently, falling in love could make anyone crazy, even her dear friend. Lala had seen her reading those letters countless times, though she considered their content quite ordinary. Anyelir had shared those letters with Lala, who happily read them too.

"If you meet him again, what will you do?" Lala was the only one who knew the love story between Anyelir and her secret admirer.

Anyelir shrugged. "I don't know if he still likes me when we meet, or maybe he doesn't have any feelings left for me since it's been two years without any communication. My heart finds it hard to move on to someone else."

As the name "Emil" was mentioned, Anye smiled. Emil had been with her for a year now, trying to get serious with her, even though Anyelir still held onto her feelings for someone else. Emil was a good man in Anyelir's eyes and even in Grandma's eyes. But Anyelir wasn't ready for a serious commitment with Emil yet. She still hung on to get an answer about Emil's intentions. Perhaps you might think Anyelir's heart was divided? Of course not. Her relationship with Emil only reached the stage of getting to know each other's personalities. Emil was Adinda's little brother, and it was Adinda who introduced Anyelir to Emil.

Adinda thought Anyelir didn't have a boyfriend because she kept her love interest a secret. Only Lala knew about her love affairs and became her confidante about her romantic relationship. Anyelir and Adinda were colleagues at work, along with Nabila.

Lala hugged Anyelir's shoulders. Only Lala knew all the secrets Anyelir hid because they had been best friends since childhood. Lala was always there for her, especially after Anyelir's parents died in an accident, leaving her an orphan. Lala had been her pillar of support during her darkest times. It wasn't surprising that they stayed at each other's houses regularly.

Thus, they spent the day amidst their cheerful banter. Grandma smiled as she observed the little girls' happiness as they all rode together in the car.

Part 2 – My Longing Unrequited.

Time flew by, and they had already arrived at Grand Ma's house. The winding and picturesque village roads welcomed them with fresh air as they stepped out of the car.

"Wow, it's so refreshing!" Adinda twirled around like a ballet dancer.

Meanwhile, Nabila picked a freshly bloomed jasmine flower near Grand Ma's house. "Wow... it smells amazing!"

Although the plant was small, it already bore beautiful white jasmine flowers. Nabila thought about asking Grand Ma for tips on how to grow jasmine flowers, so she could make her home's garden as beautiful as Grand Ma Anyelir's.

Lala just shook her head, observing the antics of the two friends. Adinda, who always believed she was the prettiest and most charming, didn't hesitate to show off her drama queen personality. Nabila, on the other hand, was sometimes curious but slow, yet always willing to help with anything. Anyelir, in contrast, was an open book. Anyone could see the genuine and innocent side of her behind her beautiful face. Sometimes, Lala felt like she had three younger sisters when she was with them. And for some reason, they always described Lala as stern, even though firm was quite different from stern.

Lala helped Anyelir carry their belongings into their room, leaving Adinda and Nabila to explore Grand Ma Anyelir's house on their own. It turned out Grand Ma Anyelir had the largest house in the village. On their way there, Lala had checked out all the houses of the residents in the area.

Anyelir hugged her Grand Ma tightly. It had been a while since she last saw her, the last time being when Grand Ma visited Jakarta on her own.

"Grand Ma, you look beautiful as always," Grand Ma Esih lovingly caressed Anyelir's face.

"When is the event, Grand Ma?" Anyelir embraced her petite grandmother.

"In two days. Tomorrow, we'll start decorating the house. I had hoped you'd take over my business here," Grand Ma said as she patted Anyelir's shoulder.

Here? And potentially meet every day? Anyelir didn't know what to do if they met again.

"Grand Ma, you know I prefer working in an office, according to my expertise," Anyelir pouted.

"It's okay, dear. I already decided on my successor, and luckily, he agreed."

Anyelir looked around, hoping to find the person she was looking for, the person she hoped would welcome her arrival. But why couldn't she find him? Did he not know she was coming today? Besides, what was she expecting? Warm hugs signifying that longing couldn't be contained? It seemed impossible that she was the only one longing.

Anyelir introduced her friends to Grand Ma Esih.

*****

They had dinner together that night, and the commotion continued when Anyelir was with her three friends. However, someone's greeting interrupted their activities.

"Good evening, everyone."

Everyone turned to the direction of the voice.

A tall, handsome young man stood there, smiling at everyone. "Ah, Byan, you came home late. Come here and sit, we're just starting dinner," Grand Ma Esih reached out to him, inviting Byan to join them. Nabila and Adinda looked at him with admiration, while Lala exchanged meaningful glances with Anyelir. Anyelir nodded softly as if saying, "That's him," which made Lala smile.

Finally, Lala met the man who made her friend fall in love.

Byan greeted each of Anyelir's friends, who suddenly became flirty, especially Nabila.

"Lala, Anyelir's friend," Lala introduced herself as she shook Byan's hand.

Then Byan approached Anyelir. She shook his hand while looking into his sharp and warm eyes. "Welcome, Anyelir. How are you?"

"Good," Anyelir replied.

That was all that was said between Byan and Anyelir. They resumed their dinner, but Anyelir couldn't help but notice that Byan's gaze kept returning to her. What did it mean? Was he jealous or...?

Unfortunately, Anyelir didn't find any meaning in Byan's gaze because he resumed eating without any special expression.

Damn! Didn't he want to know about Emil?

"Well, finally Grand Ma's granddaughter has a boyfriend. Why didn't you bring him along?" Grand Ma Esih looked at her granddaughter, who seemed increasingly uncomfortable with her question.

"He couldn't make it, Grand Ma. He's...," Anyelir seemed to struggle to speak, but it was too late.

"He can't come, Grand Ma, because he..." Nabila continued answering for her.

"Oops, sorry for blabbering. You know I can be careless sometimes. I'm sorry," Nabila felt remorseful.

Anyelir sighed and then continued eating, even though she knew Byan's eyes were back on her. She decided to take her glass of water, sipping it challengingly at the man in front of her. She wanted to see what was implied in his eyes, jealousy perhaps or...?

Unfortunately, Anye didn't find anything in Byan's gaze because he continued eating.

Damn! Did he want to know about Emil?

"Well, well, well, does Grand Ma's granddaughter finally have a lover? Why wasn't he invited here?" Grand Ma Esih looked at her granddaughter, who seemed to grow more embarrassed with each passing moment.

"He couldn't come, Grand Ma, because he..." Anyelir seemed to struggle with her words, but it was too late.

"He's on his way here. He texted me that he'll come tomorrow. He's having trouble reaching his lover," Nabila answered, completely oblivious to the effect her words had on both Anyelir and Byan. Anyelir and Byan happened to sit opposite each other. Slowly, they resumed eating.

Damn! She wanted to drown her friend in Grand Ma's catfish pond.

"Meaning?" Lala looked at Nabila and then Anyelir.

"He messaged me that he's coming tomorrow because his lover is currently unreachable," Nabila said as she nonchalantly enjoyed her grilled.

**

**

As they were getting ready for bed, Nabila and Adinda were in one room, while Anyelir shared a room with Lala.

"Nye, are you sure you had a relationship with that guy earlier?" Lala looked at Anyelir through the dressing table mirror. Anyelir was still applying her night lotion, while Lala was already wrapped in a thick blanket. The night air felt very cold, probably because they were in a mountainous area.

"What do you mean, Lala?"

Lala nodded, and Anyelir noticed it.

"But earlier, you two didn't seem like a couple. Are you sure he's the one who wrote those love letters you showed me?"

Anyelir sighed, then finished arranging her cosmetics before joining Lala.

"That's what I don't understand. What am I to him? Maybe he's bored or has another girlfriend here?"

"Why don't you try to clarify things?"

"What if he asks about Emil?" Anyelir regretted the words of one of her friends at the dining room earlier. Her relationship with Emil was still very new, and it wasn't the right time for her to proclaim their relationship.

"Are you already sure about Emil?"

Anyelir shook her head.

"I don't know. I don't know how I feel about Emil, to be honest. He never gives up in pursuing me. Several times he has shown that he is serious about me, while I'm still confused about my feelings. But honestly, when I'm with Emil, I don't feel... that way. Not like when I'm with Byan. I was extremely happy when I received his first letter. My heart was pounding as if it was about to burst, especially when we walked together. Even if we just sat in front of a catfish pond, I felt incredibly happy. I still remember how I made an appointment with him for the first time; I could hardly sleep all night, just thinking about going out with him the next day. I must be exaggerating, right? Meanwhile, you saw how he treated me earlier?"

"In your opinion, how would you describe my feelings?" Anyelir turned to ask.

Lala smiled. Indeed, when someone falls in love, it's sometimes hard to think logically.

"That's called not having moved on from Byan yet," Lala said firmly.

Anyelir fell silent. Was it true that she hadn't moved on yet? When she started thinking about all that, her head started to ache.