Do I Have A Thing With My Professor?

Lilac.

At twenty, I had mastered the art of staying invisible.

I move slowly between two rows in the crowded lecture hall as my eyes scan the seats for a column with scarce students, or less high-class people.

Once I find it in the fourth to the first column, I take my seat and bend my head over my notebook, scribbling words I barely understand.

It's not like I'm not smart. I am. But life has taught me to shrink. It has made me get used to avoiding attention and existing quietly.

Well, until him...

Silence follows the new lecturer the moment he walks in. Usually, I wouldn't care about that. But this particular moment stuns me. It captures my attention despite the deafening quietness.

And I'm not the only one.

While the others wow in their amazement, mine lingers in my head, leaking into my heart and forming a big ball of light that threatens to explode through my eyes.

The man standing on the podium is nothing like the lecturers I've met in my two years of being in college.

He's different. Too different.

His presence commands attention without trying, his height as intimidating as his composure is compelling.

'Dr. Adrian Cole,' he sketches on the whiteboard in bold and signature-like letters.

"You may simply address me as Cole, if you wish," he states calmly with a voice that carries authority and something softer beneath it.

"I will be taking you on Literature," he continues, "which isn't just about words, but about what we are too afraid to say."

"Sir!" a voice bounces through the hall. I look around, confused as all eyes turn to me.

Wait! That was me! I am the one who just interrupted the teacher, and now my hand is hanging up in the air, and I don't know how to stand up and defend my action.

For some moments, Cole's eyes meet mine, and everything stills. Embarrassment flushes over me, and I can actually feel my cheeks burning.

"Yes, Miss..."

"Stone." I nervously rise to my feet. "My name is Lilac Stone."

"Alright. Miss Lilac Stone, what did you want to add?"

I find myself searching deeply for what to say.

What was I going to say?

"Um..." I lick my lips, my fingers twisting with nervousness in front of my thighs. "I um... I was going to ask how literature is not just about words but about what we're too afraid to say."

Cole smiles while nodding. "Okay. Good question."

I try to sit down, but the lecturer stops me. "Uh-uh. Keep standing while I present another question to you, Miss Stone," he notes, and I quietly obey. "What do you do in a situation where you offend someone you care about, for example? Now you wanna apologize, but you cannot really see yourself speaking to them one on one-sometimes due to pride, other times because you're... embarrassed."

I rack my brain for a response. Left to me, I would let the matter die down. Although, if it still lingers, I could send a text with my apology...

"Send a text?" I respond.

The class bursts into laughter, and I really don't know why. A wider smile appears on the lecturer's face too.

"You are correct, Miss Stone. Now how this relates to Literature is basically..."

I don't give a fuck about what Cole has to say about literature. In fact, I wasn't even a tiny bit curious about what I asked.

I guess I just did that to get his attention, and I saw the shock on the faces of the class. They know I don't participate in class activities. This could well be my first time ever saying a thing in class since last semester.

But... here we are.

I broke the barrier!

I'm standing in a class of a hundred students, making eye contact with a bloody lecturer while having all sorts of mixed emotions tumble within me.

The students started to disperse the moment the lecture ended. But I sat tight. And I'm still sitting tight, resting my elbows on the desk as I watch Cole pack his stuff.

Once done, he sits down behind the desk. I assume he's waiting for the hall to clear out before leaving. So, I'll wait with him.

The students cover Cole from time to time as they line out, but I manage to spy him from between them.

When they have completely exited the hall, I realize I'm staring directly at the man, and he's not shying away from my stare either.

The old me would have looked down shyly. I would have chuckled out of embarrassment, and my face would be flushed red already. But none of these are the case now.

Instead, there's a strange adrenaline spreading through me, trying to convince me to spring to my feet and dart to this man.

Should I call it love adrenaline?

Wait... love? Isn't that stretching too far?

Where the hell did I get this courage, by the way?

"Ms. Stone," the lecturer suddenly speaks up, his voice bouncing around the walls of the hall. I nearly shudder. "Do you want a job, to be the keeper of this hall?" he asks.

I let out an awkward chuckle. "I... am having a bit of an issue processing the class, sir." Getting up, I go down the hall to where Cole is sitting, standing in front of his desk while crossing my hands in front of my thighs. "I don't understand what you taught today, sir."

Cole diverts his gaze from me as he glances at his watch. "What part, Ms. Stone?"

"The entire class."

Cole raises a brow at me and holds it up for a long time while giving me a 'I can't believe you' expression. Then he huffs a smile before leaning forward to the table, placing his elbows on it.

"Get my laptop from that bag, will you?" he asks as he points to a black duffel bag on the floor.

I do as he says without hesitation and watch as he navigates the device.

"Ms. Stone, you have just insinuated that I wasted an hour of my time teaching," he mumbles. His voice has dropped lower and is throaty, and it does something crazy in my stomach.

I don't know the exact moment when I start to hold my breath or when I let my lips hang open.

"Come here." Cole gestures with his fingers for me to come close. I do so immediately, bending down a little to look into his laptop.

He starts repeating his lecture from earlier while expecting my eyes to be stuck on the laptop screen. But, from time to time, I side-glance his face.

The proportion of it is just right. The sharpened edges of his jaws and chin do something unlawful to me.

All I can think of right now is how I want to lick the scarce beads of sweat sliding down the side of his face. And... most of all, how I want to kiss those lips.

I've never been with a man before. I haven't grown the courage to do so. However, somehow, this new lecturer let something lose in me-a wild side, a part of me that craved attention, a part of me that needed to backslide but didn't have the motivation to.

It's like a dam crumbled and let the ocean run.

While my morals and upbringing are the dam, my raw, unknown side is the ocean.

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Many more classes after that first class ended with the same excuse.

'Sir, I didn't get you.'

'What did you say this was again?'

'You got the years wrong. This is when it actually happened.'

Those were the well-thought words I used to strike more extra one-on-one lectures. Often times the lectures would drag till night. And I so much loved it.

After eight days of finally starting to enjoy literature classes, I now find myself walking down to Dr. Cole once again on the ninth day for another one-on-one lecture born out of pretense.

However, he must be exhausted already, as he sighs on seeing me. "Please do not tell me you missed something again, Ms. Stone." He's almost groaning.

I shake my head, flashing a wide smile. "Don't worry. I'm not making you re-lecture me today. In fact, I was thinking I could ask you about something I found out in the content of the future lecture instead."

I lay my book on Cole's desk and start riffling through it. Although I'm looking down at it, I can tell that the lecturer is looking at me.

"I see you read ahead," he says.

I look up to meet his gaze that lingers on me longer than necessary.

My cheeks grow warm. "I like to be prepared now."

Or maybe I just like being seen.

"I heard from some of your peers that you rarely spoke to anyone or participated in class activities like you do now. Is there a reason for the sudden change?"

I shrug, turning to the book again. "Maybe you're just that good of a teacher."

Cole laughs. It's the first time I'm hearing him laugh. In truth, I don't even know what's funny about what I said, but I'm happy I made him step past his smirks.

Now I wish I could make him laugh often. That will certainly fill my stomach in a good way.

More days passed with more extra hours with Cole.

Soon, we start diving into conversations that aren't even about the subject, or the course, or even school anymore.

"Do you like... love animals? Cos I do. I love rabbits. Like... a lot," I confess while being seated on a stool adjacent Cole, the desk standing as the only barrier between us.

Cole leans back in his swivel seat and turns it slowly from left to right. He doesn't even realize he's manspreading. "I do not like dogs," he admits.

"How about cats?"

His exposed crotch keeps drawing my eyes under the desk no matter how I try to stop myself.

"I grew up in a place pretty much surrounded by cats, so I guess..." Cole shrugs. "Yeah?"

"Well... meow." I smile as I let out an awkward chuckle. What the hell am I even doing?

But that question doesn't matter now, does it? It has already been spilled, and Cole now has an idea of what's really happening, as he suddenly stops swiveling his seat and stares deep into my eyes.

His blue irises pierce past my brown ones. I feel like they could reach my soul at this point.

Time stills. Everything falls into slow motion-Cole blinking, him breathing, or is it his stare diverting to my lips in a split second before returning to my eyes?

The tension is almost unbearable. Strong sexual tension. One that isn't even meant to exist. Except, it does now.

Cole suddenly looks away, glancing at his wrist watch once again. "You shouldn't stay back this late every time," he mumbles as he sits up to gather his papers.

"Why?" I ask, though I already know.

The lecturer's jaw tightens. "Because people talk."

I huff. "Why do you seem nervous, Dr. Cole? Only a nervous or anxious person cares about what people say, so why do you care?"

He hesitates to respond, avoiding my eyes as much as possible. That alone is answer enough.

"I cannot deny having anxiety over these meetings, Ms. Stone, because they have grown too informal," Cole finally replies. "If we are to have more one-on-one classes, I would prefer you meet me in my office, where there is a mini lecture hall available."

"Dr. Cole, are you saying you don't feel this... friction between us... as much as I do? You asked me why I changed all of a sudden. What if it's not about your lectures but about you? What if... what if I like you?"

Cole rounds up stacking his property into his bag and zips it up. "Look, Ms. Stone, I may be teaching literature, but I did not tell you to write a whole story in your head. Whatever life you're living in your mind, I hope it's about your happiness and not some fantasies that will jeopardize your education." He rises to his feet. "I will assign you a tutor. Whatever you don't understand, meet them instead of me."

I spring up and make my way towards the exit door while grumbling, "I don't need any tutor."

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I skipped literature classes for three days that week. I've not been able to bring myself to face Cole again after that sordid embarrassment.

Tonight, like the past three days, I would have been at home by now. But the rain started at noon and is still going strong.

Most of the people without private cars are stuck in the school building. Like me.

I'm sitting in the dance practice hall while going through my phone. Then, all of a sudden, thunder cracks, lightning strikes, the lights flicker and go off, and I scream with a shudder. All at once.

I'm the only one in the hall, so that freaks me out the more as I scramble to turn on my phone light. However, my shaky fingers fail to find the torch button.

I don't hear the door creak open due to the storm; I don't see someone come into the hall either until a torchlight suddenly flashes on me overhead.

I scream again, this time tossing my phone away and trying to spring to my feet but failing.

Whoever it is bends down and presses their hands on my shoulders. "Shh. Hold still."

I calm down only because I recognize that voice. The torch is still on my face, but I've already figured out who it is.

"Dr. Cole?" The man has a private car, so... "Why... why are you still on campus?"

Cole lets me go and sets the torchlight on the floor. Now it's no longer flashed on my face, and I see the lecturer clearly.

He's clad in a suit, as usual. He wears a different color, texture, style, and brand every time.

"Are you afraid of storms?" Dr. Cole asks, softer than usual.

I laugh nervously. "A little."

To my surprise, the man takes off his suit jacket and hands it to me. I accept and drape it on my shoulders, watching with wide eyes as Cole sits down beside me.

I start to panic.

It feels like I can hear my own thumping heartbeats above the heavy rain. And I hope Cole won't see my chest rising. I mean, if I were to speak now, I may just gasp.

"I know you're freezing, and you just wanna go home and cuddle your pillows for warmth, but I'm kinda glad the rain came down," Cole speaks above the rain.

"Why?" I reply.

"Because it made you stay."

Those words hang above my head for a while. Then they begin to sink one after the other.

"What did you just say?" I blurt out.

Cole suddenly laughs. "Gosh..." he groans, "merely sitting my butt here is a mistake, Lilac." Wait. Did he just say... Lilac? Did he call me by my name? "But... sometimes, mistakes keep calling to you to make them. Unless you do, you'll never know peace."

I turn to look at the man. The flashlight illuminates most parts of his face, but the shadows also fall on the perfect spots-like around his eyes.

He looks at me too. For a long minute, we just remain that way, staring at each other, our eyes feeding information to the other.

Soon, the storm calms, and everywhere grows quiet. I can even tell the people on campus have started creeping to their houses.

"Do you think it's appropriate for someone as young as you are to like a man in his middle thirties?" He mumbles, his voice sounding really close to my ears.

"How can you tell that it's not? I don't think there's anything wrong with having feelings for someone. In fact, I think nothing is more right than being emotionally connected to another person."

Cole smiles. "You are different," he whispers in a hoarse tone.

I shake my head and whisper back, "You don't even know me."

"I want to."

Three words. That is all it takes for the bridge to collapse beyond repair. That's all it takes for the line between discipline and emotions to blur.

I watch Cole's face draw near in the slight darkness. Some hidden magnet between us pulls mine towards his too.