Creating my Freedom

I knew from a very young age I was pretty, and would never be left alone by men. The first time I remember being hurt was when I was 5, and it was my own grandfather. I thought I had done something wrong because what he wanted from me was something no child should have to endure. I tried to tell my parents, but my dad only said that if someone wanted me to be bad, I needed to tell him. After that, I would keep things to myself, until I finally had enough, told my grandma what had happened, and she divorced him.

We had to continue to visit both, since I was too ashamed to say anything, well I didn't say anything until I became a wild teenager and wanted to blame the abuse for the choices I had made.

My first love was a neighbor boy. He was a rival, we had what could only be described as twin syndrome since he was born the day after I was born. Our moms were best friends, but they never knew about the things we did to each other, both the torment and the sex.

My family tried to work a small farm. We lived on a hill, surrounded by woods and a creek. We had horses and cattle, but the farm was more of a hobby farm. My dad worked and served in the military, so mom, my sisters and I tended to be at home alone on any given day, but especially on a weekend or two a month and two weeks in the summer. He was an amazing man, my dad, but he was clueless to all that had happened to me as a child, and I was always afraid to hurt my mom with the hate I felt for her dad.

When I was fourteen, I helped bring in hay for our animals. I would buck the bales onto the trailer until I couldn't reach, then dad would tell me to stay on the trailer and arrange the bales so that we could get as many as we could onto the trailer. I was very strong, and I was very small, not a good combination for trying to work most boys my age found easy. I guess you could say I was pretty developed at that age, it was something I was bullied for in school, and it was something that created unwanted attention. I hadn't lost my virginity when my grandfather kept putting more attention on me than he should, but I knew what a man liked when doing a blow job, and I knew men had a predatory reaction to me. I honestly never knew if it was a pheromonal thing, or a physical pull that caused the unwanted attention, but when I met Caleb, my world completely changed from hurt little girl, to wild teenager. I used my body and mind to manipulate any given situation when it came to boys, and then men.

One night, after hauling hay for my dad, Caleb came to me and asked me if I had ever had sex. I told him no, but I knew he was attracted. Caleb smiled, but didn't say much. We finished the hauling at around two in the morning, and before Caleb left, he kissed me, I grew weak in his embrace. I had never felt this stir in my brain, he was such a good kisser, taking ahold of my waist, pushing my body against a wall of the barn so that I couldn't move, and then he nuzzled my neck and grabbed ahold of my ponytail while urging my mouth open to take his tongue. He explored every part of me with his hands as that kiss grew hotter, then he let go. Somehow, he sensed my father walking into the barn, he made sure we were both presentable, and that nothing appeared to have happened other than a heated conversation about who was doing the most work. We had other helpers, Caleb's older brother was there, and mom had brought out sandwiches which I really didn't want. I was tired and hot and sweaty. I was ready to go inside, shower and then sleep. I would never forget the first kiss I shared with Caleb, I think I compared all kisses I would have in the future to that one we shared.

Our little rural community was tight knit. No one could do anything without it eventually being known by everyone. I never told anyone about that kiss, but somehow when we started back to school, my world would change, and not necessarily for the better. Caleb and I had just turned fifteen a couple of weeks before school started. I had tried out for the cheerleading squad and made it. Caleb was a baseball player. Sports were the best way to kill time in our town. We had three bars, and six churches. Most of the community was Catholic, but there were Christian, Baptist, and even a German church. The Catholic and German churches were the oldest. The bars were full of old veterans, and worn out women who just wanted to relax after a long day of work. A lot of my friends either had parents who went to the bars everyday, or were pious and did their best to imitate the lives of sitcom families from the fifties and sixties. My parents didn't fall into either category. Dad would drink a beer from time to time when a friend would come over with it, but we never really kept the stuff in our home. We went to church three times a week, and rarely cussed, or fought. Most movies the pious thought were inappropriate were not watched in our home, but when "Purple Rain" came out, I was allowed to watch it after a hardcore session of working the farm with dad. I had to wait until three in the morning, but it was worth it. That was when I realized I was growing up, and my parents saw it and let me start making choices for myself.

When I would go to friend's homes, I noticed how different my parents were. They were the youngest parents of all my classmates. I would see other parents at assemblies, but my parents rarely came to town other than for our school events. This created a opportunity for the boys to pursue me, and for me to get up to no good. I was in town all the time. I worked at a local fast food restaurant once I turned sixteen, and cheer kept me in town most nights until nine or later. My parents didn't mind, as long as I told them when I would be late for curfew, and the excuse was a good one.

This was a time in my life when I convinced my parents to let me go to dances, to let me stay with friends before and sometimes after a game. I knew most of the girls hated me because I was constantly having to defend myself in bathroom fights, and sometimes even at parties. I was stubborn and mouthy, but somehow I ended up being best friends with the popular girls. Other cheerleaders whom I spent a lot of time with because cheer was important, and we wanted to leave the best impression of our sport.

This created my wild side. I would do what was necessary to stay popular, but there were some things I really hated, and one was that Caleb took my innocence and then bragged about it while showing malice to me. That made other students think I was a slut, so I decided to live up to that image. I also created my untouchable image when I beat the crap out of Caleb for hurting me after I had given myself to him. I was in love with him, he was my first in so many ways, and he turned it into trash, into gossip, and it made me view sex and boys as a means to an end, not something you really gave much thought to, and definitely nothing you would invest a long term relationship in.

Once I had graduated, I left Caleb behind. Really it started our senior year when I went to work for a rival town's diner as a night manager. I made amazing tips, all those farmers liked my curves and chest and never hesitated to tell me. I met a boy in that neighboring town that I spent eight months thinking was my true love, but once I had given in to him and let him become my boyfriend, he was like the rest. Keep me on his arm as the trophy, but never as an exclusive lover.

Yes, my parents were impressed, why wouldn't they be. Deacon was perfect. He had strong lean muscles, and developed what I could only say was a father/son relationship with my dad. Dad never worried when I was with Deacon, because Deacon was a charmer, and made my parents believe he was the perfect gentleman. I knew better. We spent so many nights having sex in his car, even in my parent's driveway. Deacon was insatiable. He would take pictures of me when my parents were not looking. He thought it was funny that he could slap my ass and my parents were oblivious. He seemed to always have his hands on me, and every weekend I wasn't working, we were together.

The summer after we graduated, I rarely saw Deacon. I had heard he was going to rodeos and sleeping with other girls in his horse trailer. I was devastated that he would do that to me, but I never knew he had been told by Caleb that I was sleeping with him too, even though I wasn't. Caleb seemed to always insert himself when others tried to date me. Caleb never treated me as though he wanted anything from me, but he would never let me be happy with another man either. The final straw was when my dad was killed. Deacon came to me when he found out, and he stayed around until after the funeral, but my dad's death was the final nail in our relationship.

I went to college and avoided the party scenes as much as I could. One of the popular girls from school had found me at college, and we both spent a lot of time in a home she had rented. I still commuted back and for to my family home, we couldn't afford dorms or an apartment. I was very cautious with money since my mom was raising my sisters on the money dad had left in life insurance and retirement funds.

Stephanie and I found ourselves surrounded by guys from our college. I guess you could say her home ended up being the place for those who didn't embrace the fraternal orders. I met Ethan there. He was beautiful. Even more handsome than Caleb or Deacon. He had this way about him that was so intense. Stephanie had one party where she saw me staring at Ethan. She warned me that Ethan didn't seem to like girls and even tried to persuade me to avoid the man. I wish I would have listened to her, but it was impossible.

I saw Ethan on campus. We had an Accounting class together, and he noticed the attention our teacher kept giving me. He sought me out one day after class. He was having issues with getting his spreadsheets to balance and asked if I would mind checking his work. We went to the library and I did my best to concentrate on his entries. I found where he had doubled an entry, and pointed it out to him. He was a little embarrassed by the mistake, but let me check the rest of his work, and then asked me if I would go have dinner with him. I hesitated, but he assured me it was just pizza and soft drinks, no alcohol and I wouldn't have to worry, he would not try anything with me. He just wanted to thank me for letting him borrow my brilliant mind.

Ethan kept finding excuses to be around me. They weren't excuses of interest, he never seemed to really look at my body, just my mind. That made me happy, it seemed to be a first for me, and a life line that helped me give up parties and bad choices. No more did I crave the oblivion of a party, and I never woke up with a sleeping boy on top of me after finding I needed to keep sharp for my studies and to help Ethan when he struggled with his own missteps.

This friendship I had with Ethan lasted all of our college years. He never touched me, never tried to pursue me as a girlfriend, or a trophy. He was a very sweet man, and when he asked for my time, I never hesitated to give it to him. That would be my first mistake.

Ethan kept asking me to go to dinner with him. He said I was getting to thin and I needed to enjoy life not just work, go to school and work out. He was concerned, something I wasn't used to with boys. I ate up the attention and every Saturday night, we would go to a movie, get a bite to eat and walk around campus. I felt like I was dreaming. He never asked for sex, he didn't even try to kiss me. I loved being around him. He had an intoxicating scent that kept me in his thrall from the moment he entered a room. I could never say no to any request he gave me, I was that obsessed with what I thought was the perfect man.

We went to a party together one night. It was our typical date night, well our "non-date" night. Everyone was surprised when we walked in together, but Ethan didn't seem to notice. He grabbed himself a beer and asked for a can of cold soda for me. He would never let me drink, he said that beautiful minds like mine should never waste a cell on alcohol. I thought he was being kind and protective, so I went along with his wishes. But at that party, he drank too much and his walls came crashing down during a game of truth or dare. He liked the dares. They were pretty harmless, but because he wasn't feeling the need for restraint, he said dare one too many times, and one of his friends told him he had to choose any girl in the room and make them swoon with a passionate kiss while exploring her body for all to see. He smiled and looked at me, "would you mind?"

Ethan knew nothing of my history, so he had no idea this was nothing to me. Caleb and Deacon both had no issues with showing possession of me in front of others. In fact, Deacon loved having his friends watch as he groped me. His inner circle would even watch as he pounded into me, thinking it was so erotic, and better than watching porn or looking at dirty magazines. I didn't care back then, because I thought Deacon and I would be together forever and I was willing to give him anything he wanted.

I smiled at Ethan after remembering everything I had done to keep Deacon, and knowing Ethan didn't see me as his "prize", I told him I was fine with helping him complete this dare. The kiss was first, I had never felt sparks like I did when Ethan's mouth found mine. He was soft, and his breath was warm his tongue found mine and we had them dancing like we were alone eaten up by a passion we felt for each other. Then I realized his hand had worked its way up my blouse and was cupping my breast, then it was tweaking my nipple and a surge of warmth ran down the length of my core. I found myself pressing into his touch, then I felt him release my nipple and while still exploring my mouth, he grabbed my ass and cupped my sex under the skirt I was wearing. I felt his manhood against my belly as he walked me back to a wall, then I felt one of his long fingers rub against my hardened clit. I panicked, and pushed him away. We were in public, he wasn't even claiming me as a girlfriend and this dare wasn't for him to devour me, just to make me weak from being touched.

Ethan gave me a wolfish grin. "I knew you were innocent", then he walked away and gave an excuse that he needed a restroom from all the beer and would be back to our game momentarily. I was embarrassed by how much he had excited me and I also made an excuse that I needed some fresh air. I found myself walking back to where I normally left my car, almost two miles from the party. Ethan didn't come after me, and when I saw him the following Monday in class, he acted like nothing had happened.

Ethan and I kept our friendship. I helped him in the classes he struggled with, and he kept buying dinners and taking me to movies. It was a complete change from all I endured with Caleb and Deacon in high school. I thought focusing on finding a job to start my career after college was the responsible thing to do, so I starting sending out my resume of the fast food and diners I had worked as a kid, as well as my major and academic achievements

Graduation day arrived, and as I went to give my valedictorian speech, I saw Ethan. He had the brightest beaming grin and gave me a thumbs up. My mom and sisters were there too, and I felt so proud of my accomplishments. I thanked the school, and primarily those teachers who had faith in me. I thanked my mother and father for raising me with such love and teaching me that knowledge is power.

After graduation, my family went to a nearby restaurant. We had ordered and mom and I were feeding that littlest of my sisters. Ethan came in, a wolfish grin on his face. He introduced himself to my mom and asked me for a minute of his time. Mom told me not to worry, that my baby sisters was taking all of her focus anyways, so I went with Ethan to a nearby table. He asked me what my plans were. I told him I had been accepted at a CPA firm and was planning to work there until school resumed and I could pursue my Master's degree. Ethan smiled, and said, "I was hoping you would tell me yes to a question. I want you to be my wife."

I was stunned. We were friends, and only that the one embarrassing kiss, which I knew he had forgotten because it was never talked about in any of our study sessions. I told Ethan I needed to think about it, but I would get back to him once I was settled into the job, and figured out my year back to college, I said it wouldn't be more than six months before I knew for sure where life was taking me. Ethan was so sweet about it, and told me he would make sure in that six months I knew for certain marrying him was the right choice.

So I went to my bookkeeping position the following Monday, only to find that Ethan had also been hired as a lead Accountant in the Income Tax division. I was floored. Here I had been the Valedictorian, and I had tutored him through so many of his classes, yet he had been hired at a higher position. There had to be a reason. I wanted to find out how he got his job, so that maybe, I would be able to prove I also had the drive to be in an Accountant position and not as a lowly bookkeeper. I heard the gossip a few days later, it sounded like everyone was praising Ethan and the woman they were praising him to was the one who conducted me interview. They called her Mrs. Skye. So this was Ethan's mother, no wonder he had a higher position. It was disgusting seeing this nepotism. I thought at that moment that if Ethan was only riding on his family's coattails, he was not the man I wanted to share a life with.

Unfortunately, Ethan wouldn't listen. I rejected him fifty times in the next six months. He just didn't care about what I wanted. He thought I was a innocent doormat. Someone that would cherish and obey him no matter what. I finally caved to his attentions and told him I would marry him on the night I had told him would be the deadline for an answer. I thought being his wife wouldn't change anything. How wrong I had been.

We designed our wedding around our favorite movie at the time, "Phantom of the Opera". He was beautiful with his half mask, and I as the beautiful Christine. Everyone was in old fashion opera clothes and it was a grand affair. Instead of virgin while, I chose a gown of light gold with a small tiara on my head full of clear, yellow and chocolate diamonds. The tiara was Ethan's idea, and while I rarely wore jewelry or make-up, I did for our wedding. I felt like a beautiful princess, I felt like he loved me, not the same way Caleb or Deacon loved me, but as a woman who was worshiped and cherished. I found out that was the most foolish thinking I had every done.

On our wedding night, Ethan took me to his apartment. It was decorated for our wedding night, so many flowers and champagne. We had a toast with the champagne and the next thing I knew, I was in our bed, but when I tried to move, I found that I had been restrained. I started to panic when Ethan leaned over me and told me to get use to the restraints, it was a way for me to understand and trust my husband. He reminded me that our vows had the words "submit and obey" and that he wanted those two things from me the most. I was to never discuss our bedroom antics, and he held a piece of paper in front of me. It was a NDA stating all of this. I would never talk about what happened, and I promised to trust, obey and submit to him everytime he told me to. I was left restrained for twelve hours after I told him I wouldn't sign. Ethan said it was my punishment for going against our holy bond of matrimony.

I caved after twelve hours and signed the NDA. Ethan told me he was proud that I came around and finally made love to me. After we were done, and he realized I did not come to him as a virgin, he became disgusted with me. "I thought you were a virgin, or I wouldn't have agreed to marry you!"

It was worse than being beaten, but then Ethan said, "Nevermind, it makes the rest of what I have in mind for you make me feel no guilt at all. Had you been a virgin, I might have had a minute of guilt, but now I just want your body to be the slave I need for every need."