Confused Destiny

Rethabile!!!!!! Why are you standing there staring at me? you are too slow, come and take these things to the kitchen...... hmm am used to my mom's nagging voice,I don't know if it's a crime to take your time while walking and besides I don't like the kitchen because it stinks.

If only I can say what I feel inside,but I can't anyway, it's good to respect elders first before respecting your decisions, especially when they help you,and besides my mom provides food and shelter for me and I need them to survive so who am I to talk back at her.

Taking the things to the kitchen many thoughts stormed my head,I need to wash my uniform I have exams tomorrow,I haven't read my books. Suddenly I became sad,I remembered I might not write my exams because I haven't paid my school fees for the term.

That's my life,I can't stress my mom too much. It's been ten years since my dad died living me and my siblings in this cruel world. My situation is better,I can't say I miss him because I don't remember him. He died when I was two years old.

Thinking about how I will leave my current situation and leave like my mate, socialization is one of my problems, I find it hard to communicate. I just watch how people pass and smile at each other , wishing I would one day be able to make friends and think less of my family financial status,a familiar voice settled me Reth!!!!Why are you staring at the window, and still standing at the entrance of the kitchen? Why can't you be like your brother,you are a lady crying out loud, how will you survive in your husband's house?

She always talk about my husband's house like a twelve year old girl would want to get married,I know not lazy I just like doing things my own way and on a slow pace,well if I want to be like my mate I have to act like them.

I wore my slippers I don't like dirt though I seems like a taboo in a typical African home,my mom would always tell me how I acted different as a child,she said I cried a lot, thereby scaring anyone who want to get close to me,maybe that's why I have no friends.

I walked into the kitchen ,with a little smile on my face thinking about how I will tell my future friends about my childhood, and always imagined how they would react to my naughty behaviors. I would tell them how I tried packing out of the house with no specific direction when I was five years old, because I wanted to be with my mom,or how I threw my brother's cloth into a deep put because I was angry he didn't wash my clothes as expected.

After thinking of all this things I let myself enjoy this thoughts,while laughing I didn't notice my mom staring at me and calling me,I wouldn't have noticed anyway I was lost in my world of temporary happiness,so far the only thing that makes me happy is daydreaming and being able to win mostly in competition,I would always tell myself that I must win an award academically, before I die.

Looking at my mom's angry and confused face, knowing fully well what would happen next,I prepared myself for a deafening sound..... Rethabile!! why are you laughing I have been calling you,what are you thinking about,I am totally convinced that's there's something wrong with you,you must be a Witch,will you get out of the kitchen I just pity you,you won't survive anywhere in this world,you are just weak and extremely lazy, I have heard that word a billion times so It doesn't affect me that much.

When it comes to using of words my mom is always brutal with it,it's her way of being honest with anyone to need to hide anything.

Before I knew it, I was already late so I had to wrap up my books and head to bed, just to wake up frightened by my constant nightmare, I have never had a nice dream ever since I started recalling my dreams. my dreams are always frightening like I murdered a person in my past life and they are trying to get back at me.

Well I have no other option than to sleep,but today's dream is different. , I know I have encountered different creatures but today I saw a grey human,with fish tail and fins on both sides ,with sparkly skin. Hmm strange but all the same my life's always complicated in many ways,and I can't really tell my dreams to anyone.

So I kept it to myself,and went back to sleep,hours later I woke up preparing for school,I had to take my younger siblings to school first before going to mine, and when I comes to being late I had no option.

l Was known as the girl that never comes early to school, well even if I did would I be allowed in?, I had to talk to my mom about it, though she found it embarrassing, luckily she was able to talk to the principal concerning my fees.

She always have ways of convincing anyone who decides to listen to her it's more like a God's given talent I really admire her allot and would hope to be like her when am older

The week passed like minutes and I was done with my exam, I was so happy that I was through with my exams ,and I had time to rest, and the term just ended,on my way home a young lady I think in her late thirties stopped me, while holding my wrist firmly.

she looked elegant and I could see different shades of emotion In her eyes she kept looking at me with a confused look on her face,she continued staring at me and I became scared.

Why do I feel like I know her from somewhere, I felt safe, and scared this is a whole new feeling for me, I had allot o questions to ask but I couldn't say anything, I felt like I was being tied to a spot, I had to push her and run for my dear life. I don't know why but it seems I know her from somewhere.

On getting home I tried thinking straight,I had been warned severally to stay away from strangers, because of rate of kidnapping and rape. But the lady had a scary aura and just her hands touching me I felt really cold instantly," maybe she is mentally ill" I said to myself trying to comfort myself that nothing was wrong.

Getting out of my uniform,I took a cold bath and slept off just to have the same dream I had the previous night but this time much more scary I was chased to a river by angry villagers and when there was nowhere else to run to I knelt besides the river crying helplessly and the same creature I saw the previous night came to me but this time I saw her feet.

she placed her hands on my shoulder and I froze on the spot, just looking into her magnificent eyes, she had similar feeling and aura as the lady I met on my way back from school.

I immediately woke up panting,why am I having such dreams ?, It's completely different from all my dreams, I was born a Christian but I hardly pray.

Not because I don't believe in God, but I behaved like an atheist both inside and outside,but this night I really wanted sleep,I clasped my hands together and said the lord's prayer,and a little prayer added before going to bed.

Though I feel awkward when am being told to pray on public,or just within the family I really like silent and personal prayers, and short ones too. I might giggle when I am told to pray for someone,or in public ,and people won't find that funny especially religious people.

I fell asleep, I was woken up by David's voice he was screaming for my mom to come for his rescue, I felt a light pain in my stomach,and I felt really dizzy.

"Mom please come, someone stab rethabile", immediately I heard my name I turned just to see I was sucked in blood i was so shocked and scared I thought I was stabbed in my dream.

My mom hurried to the room and when she saw my skirt was soaked with blood she just smiled at me and told me to change my clothes after taking my bath.

How can she be so relaxed after I was stabbed,on getting to the bathroom I pulled my clothes just to notice the source of the blood coming from my private area.

Why? This is not the color of my urine and why am I bleeding. After cleaning up my mom came to me with a weird thing in her hands. I know I have seen it somewhere. I think it's called a pad.

She opened the pad and placed it on my underwear,and told me to do the same and wear it,I was panicking and my mom had a strange smile on her face. Why? I kept asking myself that question, after the weird scene she ordered me to sit down.

" Reth....... I know you are worried and confused but you are totally fine and healthy. You just became a woman.... Staring at her with a confused face, I was born a woman,so how come I just achieve that name after being stabbed in my private part. She continued.. from now on I want you to do me a favor, stay away from men, anybody that touches you, you will become pregnant and you will stop school.

I was so scared I didn't want to be pregnant,or stop school, Mom? If my brothers touch me will I be pregnant ? "No Reth you won't be pregnant", I felt a little bit happy and sad,I can only talk to my brothers and no other man.

I spent the whole day in my room. I was in pain,my stomach hurt badly,same with my private area,with the amount of pain,my childish brain was convinced that I was stabbed but my mom is keeping it away from me as usual.

Walking became hard because I was always turning to see if my back was stained and luckily the bleeding stopped after four days.

But I stayed clear from all the men I know,even my classmates, including my school crush,male teachers and neighbor and it became so obvious,I was told to wait after school by my vice principal.I actually thought he wanted to ask me why I avoided everyone, even taking things from my male classmates.

I prepared myself to boldly tell him,I don't want to get pregnant, that's why I don't want to be touched by anyone.just like my mom told me.

As all the students left I was sent to the school library to get a book, while searching for the book I sensed a presence at my back,I turned hurriedly just to be pinned to the wall by my principal, he immediately forced his lips on mine.

My hands were held above my head, while he roughly kissed me. It was indeed a horrible moment, he used his hands to pull my waist towards his erection.

I tried freeing myself but he was stronger than me he continued with his scaring actions,and almost tore my shirt he squeezed my boobs and pushed his hips on mine it's was too much touching

He then slipped his hands beneath my skirt and I could feel his fingers in my sex area, he moved vigorously,he continued with this horrible torment until I felt a penetration, a very painful penetration.

It was too much to take, I tried pushing him,but Everytime I try the harder he torments me, he increased his pace the penetration became more painful, I could feel blood in my mouth, I already felt sore, he removed his hands from my skirt and slipped it beneath my school shirt and he located my boobs, he squeezed my boobs so hard.

it was so painful i could shout for help because he had one of his hands at the back of my head, forcing my head towards his, as he kissed me without emotions.

Pushing my head towards his, and his lips were on mine, I was in the most vulnerable state I could ever imagine, I didn't know weather to give up or continue fighting, immediately he stopped kissing me to catch his breath ,I kicked him and ran away.. without looking back,to know If I was being chased or not,or whether he was in pain

The only thing I could think of was the shortest route to my house, luckily the adrenaline rushing through my body gave me the required strength I needed to run away.

When I got a little bit closer to my house I tried stopped to catch my breath,then I noticed I got some scratches on my legs and lips,that monster scratched me, I leaned against the wall trying to support myself my legs couldn't go further it needed rest.

Few minutes later, I seemed to gather enough strength and rest to continue my journey, so I headed home.