Concealed Manifestation

Disclaimer:

This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this book are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

I'm trapped. I'm trapped in my own mind. I'm trapped in other people's opinions and perspectives that they give me. The side eyes and glances that this world can throw at me.

I feel suffocated even in my own space. The world that I created for myself. I let too many people in. I gave them the permission to be in my world, but have I given them the cue to ruin my life too? Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm too fazed to even give that a thought.

'Why not just run from all of this?'

Oh, yes. Running. I always do that. That's what I'm good at. Running from my fears, the rejections, the obvious problems and the judgement. But aren't we all good at that? But why can't I do that now?

"Maybe it's the only solution where you can't get hurt and where you can protect yourself, and maybe, just maybe the possibility of you being a failure will lessen." A stupid and childish thought that runs in my head daily. It lives on my head. I'm too selfless, a pushover, knows how to say no but doesn't have the will and the heart to say it directly.

Most people would say im just 'kind hearted', that I'm 'too nice for this world'. I want to laugh at them, pity them with their thoughts about how they see my life. I'm not kind. I'm not 'too nice for this world'. I'm a coward just living and striving with other people's sugar coated words and their standards.

"Maybe it's the only solution where you can't get hurt and where you can protect yourself, and maybe, just maybe the possibility of you being a failure will lessen." A stupid and childish thought that runs in my head daily. It lives on my head. I'm too selfless, a pushover, knows how to say no but doesn't have the will and the heart to say it directly.

Most people would say im just 'kind hearted', that I'm 'too nice for this world'. I want to laugh at them, pity them with their thoughts about how they see my life. I'm not kind. I'm not 'too nice for this world'. I'm a coward just living and striving with other people's sugar coated words and their standards.

I can't go on without the validation of other people. I mean, who wouldn't want the assurance and validation from other people. That nice surge, warm caress of other people's that gets right through you, with their sweet words.

I'll change. I want to change. Not for others, but for myself. I'll find my pace again and take back everything that was taken away from me. My pride, confidence, words and identity. I'll live for myself and myself only, with no one to hinder and conquer the laid out plan I have. No one.

Until, he came along. My plan was ruined. But he was the distraction that I openly welcomed. He wanted me, the me that I kept for so long, the me that I wanted to hide and forget forever. But he caught me in his trap. He was my only exception.

He wanted my submission and love. But was I ready to give it all when I can't even figure out myself? But he was too good.

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. I believe that words are strong, that they can overwhelm what we fear when fear seems more awful than life is good. You are bent, but not broken. Scarred, but not disfigured."

I stared at the sun, that was glistening prettily- ready to set and to promise a new dawn- through this window walls as I sat at one of my brother's office chairs.

I just continued staring at it as I was in awe, wondering how can something be that beautiful. Its colorful hues that softly glowed against the glass windows can always take my breath away.

'Can I look that gorgeous too?'

I chuckled inwardly at my own thought, thinking how silly I am. Nothing can beat nature's beauty and that's a fact, and it's not like I am that eye pleasing.

I was pulled out of trance by my older brother who was snapping his fingers in front of my face. Then waved the papers in front of me to fully gain my attention, annoy me and completely pull me out of my random spacing out.

"I've called you twice and you were just staring at the windows. Are you that astonished by the sunset?", my brother asked.

"Oh. Huh? Yeah it's so pretty," I said while grinning at him.

"I did a great job renovating my office then. I love it too," he proudly said.

He turns to me and ruffled my hair. He gave me a couple folders, envelopes and papers that has the familiar seals and logos with our family name, Merrick.

"Can you review these papers and emails for me Lucas? I need to send this and my secretary is already loaded with papers that are more bigger and urgent that these. Can you do it, bun?"

Oh, so that's why he pulled me out of ny peaceful moments. Okay. I'll forgive him that was understandable, but no more next time, maybe. But as long as he pays me, I can arrange that.

I giggled to myself and answered him.

"I told you you can stop calling me bunny I'm already in college Noah, in university- an adult, so yeah. But, sure thing. What time do you need this and which papers are the most needed ones so I can prioritize them?"

"There's a checklist there bunny and yes, I'll keep calling you that no arguments needed. I already organized them, I know you like working that way."

I stood up and was ready to hit him for teasing me when he quickly dashed to his table. I chuckled at his antics and rose from my seat and walked towards the table at the corner of his office and grabbed the spare laptop that was sitting on its drawers and started turning it on when he asked me a question.

"Do you want something to eat or drink, Lucas? I can order something you like. Do you want toor are you full?"

Food. Yes. Of course, who would deny food. Not me.

"Yes, please. I want burgers and drinks. Thank you, Noah."

He then looks at me and smiled while walking towards my direction and stopped right in front of me. Then he ruffles my hair.

"Okay, Lucas. Just wait here I just need to grab something."

I just hummed while I typed away the papers that he wanted me to checked. Oh, I'm so dumb I did not ask him for the soft copies of this. He's so dumb too. No one wonder, we really are brothers. I'll just go ask his secretary.

After asking his secretary I returned and started working on it. It's's not like it really needs revisions he just want everything to be precise and give me work so he can have the pass to give me extra allowance and 'spoil' me.

As if I need that much money, when him and dad buys me everything that I need. They got everything covered. My daily needs, tution, and even my leisures they give me enough money that can last me for months, but I still want to work and buy something with the money that I worked hard for.

After nearly half an hour or more, I only noticed his arrival when something in a paper bag was placed beside the laptop, as he sat beside me.

"There's your food, bun."

"Thank you, Noah. Oh, by the way is Dad coming home for the twin's birthday?"

I noticed the halt in his steps and the sudden tense of his body when I asked that question.

"I... actually don't have the answer for that, bun. But you know Dad he won't pass this kind of events especially out birthdays. He even comes home for my birthday, even though it's not that necessary since I'm like turning 30 this year."

I pouted and just looked at him. Then I sighed."I mean you're right. He really doesn't miss out on our birthdays and other celebrations that involves us, but we cant be too sure."

I tried to shove away the thoughts that was running wild in my mind, I turned down the rising of my assumptions. But maybe Dad is just busy. He works too hard sometimes. But I miss him though, he rarely have full time talks with me. Take us to places that we enjoy or cafes.

"Are those papers done, Lucas? So I can ask them to print it out."

"Yes, the essential ones are done I've already transferred and sent it to your secretary. I'll just finish this remaining ones, since I asked your secretary for all the copies and I did not have to sceoll and look for it in your laptop. You're annoying and a big dummy."

"Who are you calling a dummy? If there's a dummy here it's you," he said while pinching my cheeks and pushed my face with his hands.

I rolled my eyes at him, he just left me here with a bunch of papers without the soft copies of it and now he's harassing me this is beyond my pay grade. I sometimes wonder if he's really properly working. Maybe he does, in his sleep.

.........................

I cracked my neck and stretched my arms. Finally, after nearly two hours I was done checking and sending it to his assistant.

"I'm done here, Noah. It's already nearing eight, we should head home for dinner. They'll wait for us again and i want a peaceful dinner with no complaints," I rambled at him.

He tore away his sight from his works and looked at me. "Yeah, you're right, let me just finish this off and we'll go now," he retorted with a tired smile.

"Are you tired, Noah?"

He blinked twice before answering me, "Oh not that tired, but yeah I wanna go home now and have a bath, and a good filling dinner."

"Let's go then I don't want to listen to them complain about us holding back their dinner, just because we came home late for a minute. You know how mother is so sketchy about time and everything," I grumbled complaining, and hoping he could understand my point.

"I get it, bun. You're being cranky, also I know you're tired," I just frowned and glared at him.

"I am not cranky, I just want to dive in my bed already, I am drained my battery for today is already running out," I dramatically explained.

"Okay, okay grumpy head, let's go home already," he said while chuckling and pushing me towards the door.

I glared at him, "I told you I am not a grumpy head it's just that it's Sunday tomorrow, then Monday it means I havee classes and I just want to rest," I explained as we rode the elevator going to the parking lot.

"Why didn't you stayed home, then?" he asked confused witha soft gaze.

"I told you I don't want to socialize with Mom's guests, my social skills runs out when it's them. They drain my social battery, and I love interacting with people, just not them" I responded as the elevator dinged indicating we are already at the parking lot.

"That's understandable, they really are tiring to interact with," he said as we entered his car.

"Yeah, let's just go home, please."

In truth, I just did not want to face the people, who would smile at me and when I'm not looking I know that they would instantly sneer and give me side eyes. They're just rude, arrogant and two-faced people. No need to waste my time on them.

"Thank you for choosing to work with me bun, and staying at my office," I looked at him and he was looking at me with a soft smile and a fond look.

I just hummed and smiled at him. Yeah, I'm glad too. It was peaceful there, just me in my own world. With no other people to disturb me or hurt me.

"Lucas Stellar Merrick, you meanie wait for me!"

I rolled my eyes at the appearance of a familiar voice approaching me. I inwardly cringed as I looked at the people who was staring at me now, with curious eyes and amused faces all because of my friend, shouting my name with a smile and a huffing face. Why are we friends, again?

I glared at him before teasingly replied, "Early in the morning and you're already shouting my name, might as well just look for me through the speakers, Vinnie."

He gasped and whined at my teasing , "I told you not to call me Vinnie, Lucas. You know how much I despise that nickname."

Snickering I continued teasing him, "Why it sounds cute though?," I said and chuckled as I saw his face turned into a frown and just glared at me.

"No, thank you so much I know I'm cute but that nickname is not. I have a very beautiful name, and it's Vincent Copeland. How dare you."

I just laughed at him and pointed at our incoming friend who was smiling with a raised eyebrow.

"Why are you two so noisy early in the morning and what's with the long face Vinnie, doesn't really suit you," Nick teased and poked Vince's side while chuckling.

Vince just huffed, "You know what let's just go you two are both annoying and mean, I'll just wait for our other friends hmph."

Me and Nick just laughed at his adorable antics, and just followed him as we walked towards our class. I took a glance at the both of them, noticing their features. Nick and I almost have the same height, but with different complexion as Nick has dark olive skin tone I have a fair complexion . While Vince is shorter than us, him and I have the same skin complexion too.

I have a fair complexity as I inherited it from my mother, while I inherited my eyes and face features from my father. Most people would say that I have a boyish but a dainty look. They always say that I'm in between 'sexy and adorable but gentle', I just snorted inwardly because of my thoughts.

As we entered our class I asked them, "What time are the girls' classes again? I really can't memorize their time tables."

"Oh well, Lia's classes will start in this 30 minutes while Reya's will start st 10:30. They're so lucky their classes start within that time," Vince complained as he sat at his chosen chair.

"You could've changed your classes then you know you could take later classes but you chose this because you want to be with us," Nick made fun of him and wiggled his eyebrows.

I just laughed at their pointless antics. They continued bickering and I just agreed with Nick. He's correct, so I can't do much.

Even though all if us have different courses we still shared the same classes, just for minor subjects though. They wanted to at least have some classes that we can share so we can still interact here in the university, not just in lunch.

"Keep quiet now, we will start our classes already," I said as I noticed our professor approaching.

.........................

It was now lunch and there's nothing eventful. Well, it's a typical day people are either studying, chatting and eating.

"Lia and Reya are coming now. They texted me," Nick said.

Vince just nodded at him with chipmunk cheeks as he eats his lunch, which consists random fatty foods like: burger, french fries and a smoothie. I just hummed too and just spaced out and waited for the others cause I'm not that hungry.

I suddenly saw two girls approaching our direction. I briefly smiled at them and they waved at us.

"Hi, guys sorry for making you wait. I'm just so exhausted, does someone have water? Can you give me water please?", Lia asked as she huffed looking really tired, maybe it was their P.E.

"You had P.E, Lia? I thought it was your major subjects today?", Vince asked while eating a burger.

"Yeah, she was cursing after she got out of her classes," Reya said as if Lia's exhaustion was amusing to her.

"It was tiring, okay? Y'all are just lucky you don't have P.E in the morning cause it sucks," I just laughed at her and she grabbed her lunch and angrily munched on it.

"What's your next class, Lucas?", Nick asked me while I drank my chocolate drink.

I gulped it down first before answering, "I have Theory of Finance and Research later, why?"

"Oh, nothing." I just hummed and listened to their conventional bickers and chats that I can't keep up and relate with.

It was one of my random feelings and anxiety, where I just suddenly feel out of place. Where I feel like I can't keep up with the people around me.

They were my only circle here in the university as I did not really interact with anyone while I studied here. I have some friends outside the school though, but wr just frequently call and meet up but we're still close.

I felt bad. What a life. I can't even relate with them. Can't keep up because I was so drowned in my own bubble that I can't have the energy sometimes to be with them and just be care free.

I was too anxious, I worry so much about what would other people say if I loosen up so much. If I go out and lose my 'sophisticated and graceful demeanor', as what ny mother would say. I please people so much that I forget about myself. But that's my life I can't offer anything. Only that.

I suddenly remembered what my father said that cana always calm me down when I have irrational thoughts like this.

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."

I smiled internally and just sat back and became observant with the surroundings finding the chatters and hustle of the university, rather calming.

"Hey Lucas, it's time already let's go now," Nick said.

Oh, I did not even noticed the time. I just nodded, got up and picked up my bag.

"Okay I'll see you later then, or tomorrow. Who knows?", I said while waving at them. As I started to walk I heard Vince calling my name.

"Lucas, we have classes in the same building let's go together," he said while catching up to me.

Definitely forgot that part, that we have classes together, "Sure, no problem."

"Are you okay, Lucas?", He asked while dragging my name and linking his arm to me.

"Yeah, I am fine. Why did you ask?", I raised a brow at him.

"No reasons. Just wanted to ask you," Vince smiled at me.

"Oh, thank you. You how are you?," I returned the question.

"I'm fine. All caught up with the upcoming exams and projects," he said while sighing, "And I still don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Am I that unlucky in life?", He asked dramatically.

"Just wait for it, Vinnie. Maybe he or she's just there you know, it could even be one of your classmates. I mean who knows, huh?", I teased him as I wiggled my eyebrows at him. He just slapped my arms and we laughed as we parted ways.

"Okay, Lucas. I'll see you then. Take care okay? I'll message you. Bye! Love you!", Vince said.

He never fails to say that, everytime we part ways or just go to different classes. Everytime someone says that words to me, I erratically question myself. My mind hazy with the unnecessary thoughts that swarmed my head.

'Was that really sincere?'

'Did they really mean it?'

I don't know the answers. It will haunt me forever. Knowing that it's hard for me to accept that I can receive or am I really worthy of a genuine love, platonically or romantically.

I was gripping on a rope that had no plans on letting me dangle on it.