Chasing His Muse

"I'm so sorry Collin, please don't leave me, " I begged him, though I know it was not my fault that I didn't get pregnant. It had been three years now, we had been trying to have a baby since the first year we were married.

I loved him once, with all my heart. He was my high school sweetheart. We dated in high school, then we separated because we went to a different college. Then we reunited at our best friend's wedding. We dated for almost a year on and off and decided to get married.

"You're useless wife, you can't even get pregnant. I should have left you by now. Just leave me alone! I'm so fucking upset with you right now." He slammed the door and left me to get drunk in the next room.

I was an only child, and both of my parents had passed away a couple of years back in a plane crash. Since then, I had been independent and on my own, until I met Collin. After our marriage, Collin moved in with me since I got the bigger house.

He told me to quit my job and prepared myself to be a full-time mom. I was happy, I was thinking of building a family with him.

Since I was settled in finance from my parents' inheritance, I agreed with him and quit my job.

I rushed to him trying to mend our marriage. "Collin please, don't be upset with me. We will try again, and again just please don't leave me."

"Damn it, woman! Just leave me alone. I will fuck you when it's time and we will try again, cause I'm that good of a husband to you. Now go!" He slammed the door in front of my face, as I slumped down to the floor.

From the first year that we failed to have a baby, I suggested to him that we both went to a doctor to get checked out and see what our options were. But he went mad at that idea, saying that it must've been me. From then on, it went downhill.

He would go home late, drank after work, and called me names. Told me that I was not a real wife, because I couldn't even get pregnant. From then, my love for him slowly diminished.

He never hit me, but his abuse was mental. He would threaten to leave me, every time I got my period by the end of the month. After my period ended he would fuck me every day, but never pleased me anymore. He would come inside me and leave me be, he would tell me to be a good wife and get pregnant. But every month I didn't. Until the third year this year.

It started one evening when I saw him having sex with another woman in our bed. I confronted him and yelled at him. But he just shrugged, saying that I won't let him leave, so he would do as he pleased.

I cried that night, my heart shattered to pieces. How could it turn to this? We were very much in love. Where did I go wrong?

That night I started taking sleeping pills, to get me to sleep. By the next month, I became addicted to it. While Collin was busy fucking around the house, with different women each week.

Collin would tease me to join them, maybe I could get pregnant if he was satisfied with other women, and came inside me afterward with his cum. Once he even made me watched him fucked another woman. He said it got him aroused, but after ten minutes he told me to get out of the room.

I would hear Collin and the women screaming and moaning. Making me drink and consume my pills, to help me numb the noise.

One night when I was sleeping, I could feel him fucking me raw. But I was too sleepy to resist because of the pills. He laughed at me and told me I was a bad wife, that couldn't even please her husband. He came inside me and left me naked on the bed. And went to sleep in another room.

This went on for months, making me depressed. Until one day I decided to end my life, and consumed all the pills in my bottle, with liquor.

I was happy and relaxed after that. Feeling myself drowning away, in my sorrows. But I woke up the next day in a hospital. Collin was by my side, he was putting his game face on. Looking sad, and caring towards me. But he was smirking at me, when the doctor and nurses, would look away from us.

I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to die. I was such a failure, I couldn't even kill myself. I just closed my eyes, didn't even want to see his face.

"I'm going to put you in a loony bin honey. There, you can think of me fucking women, in every corner of our house. See there honey, I'm not leaving you. It's you, that makes yourself leave me. You're a failure, you can't even be a good wife, and take care of her husband." He whispered in my ear making me shed my tear, but I was too lethargic, to even wiped away my tear.

But he did, he wiped away my tear. He kissed the top of my head when he saw the doctor, was coming into the room.

"Good afternoon Mr. Buford. I'm Dr. Raynes, we've talked about admitting your wife to a Psychiatric Hospital. Mrs. Buford here is in a good condition already for her transfer. I don't think, there would be any problem. If you could follow me, we can continue with the paperwork. And I can have the nurses, to help with her things." The doctor explained to Collin.

I slumped lower to the bed, thinking that at least I didn't have to be near him, and see him parade all his women around the house, and belittle me. Maybe I could be happy there, maybe I could even get better there? No, Who was I kidding, I was too tired for this life.

Collin was supposed to be my one and only, my true love, my happy ending. If I couldn't even manage one person, that I love deeply before. How could I even get better? I was ready for sleep time. I was already drowsy, from this flow of information today.

Whatever happened to me in the loony bin, I guess it would happen anyway. Not like I could do anything about it. Not like I wanted to do anything about it. I just didn't have the drive, like I used to.

Having failure after failure made me what I was, despite all the people were telling me about this morning.

It had been four months since I had been here. They called it a Psychiatric Hospital, but it was more like a loony bin as Collin would say.

He never visited me, I didn't have any more friends since I was with Collin. I didn't even realize, that I had estranged myself from my friends since I was with him.

Day after day, it was all the same here. We would gather for a group session, and a private session with the psychiatrist couple of times a week. Then in between, there were several activities that we could join, there were painting, pottery, games like chess, cards, but I would usually sit in the corner and just read books.

It had been peaceful here, I was finding my rhythm. Until one day one of the attendants told me to try another activity. She wanted me to blend in, rather than reading a book and distant myself from others. She said It would help me socialize with others when it was deemed time for me to be back into the world.

But I didn't want to be out. I liked it here. I didn't have anybody else out there.

They put me in a painting class. They said, that a volunteer was teaching the class today, he was very talented and I should give it a try.

I entered the class grumbling, everybody was looking at me when I walked in. I just wanted to be left alone.

Fuck it! I was just going to sit, paint, then back to my reading nook.

Well then, why was this an all-women painting class?

But then I looked at the volunteer. He was a tattooed handsome goodness. With his manly hands stroking the canvas, and his back muscles stretching his shirt every time he paints upwards. No wonder. I arched my eyebrow at every woman there, smirking.

Well then, maybe I could paint a little, And see what the fuss was all about.

I sit my ass on an empty stool in front of an easel. Waiting for further instructions.

"Right, ladies we will continue where we left off a couple of days ago. And looks like we have a newcomer. I will be with you shortly. Please, everyone, continue as I will circle for viewing." He explained to the class.

Such a deep voice. Sexy. Woah...why am I even thinking about it?

I was still waiting for him. But I decided, I needed to get away. This was not what I wanted. I didn't need another male in my life. I was done. I just wanted to be left alone.

I used to be an independent strong-willed woman, I still didn't understand what happened to me. I would stare outside for hours thinking about it. But then my thoughts got the best of me, as I retrieved back to my cocoon, feeling like my own worthless self.

I walked out of the class without even looking back. I was back on my reading nook, staring outside. Not even realizing that I shed a tear.

"Hey, sorry I didn't catch your name. Are you okay? Why do you leave the class?" The tattooed handsome goodness asked.

"Nicolette. Not okay. Loony bin resident. I like reading better. This is my favorite nook." I wiped my tear and held my book tightly to my chest.

"Well then Nicolette, why don't you bring your book to the class. Just stick around. You don't have to paint yet. Just that Laura, had already jot your name on the list. Come on." He held out his tattooed covered arm at me.

I looked at it and decided not to take it but I followed him anyway. He smiled, pleased that I was following him.

Well then. I guess I just had to endure this handsome torment in front of me, for a while longer.

Laura looked at me from the far corner. I could see her smiling at me. I always liked her. She was the oldest and most senior attendant here. She was very kind to me. She knew my history with Collin. She was here when he gave the consent and signed all the paperwork here. She accidentally, overhead what Collin said to me that day.

"Goodbye, my dear wife. I shall never see you again. I will make sure all is taken care of, for your permanent stay here. I've got your parents' money, to take care of the bill. And their house, for me to fuck other women in." He whispered and kissed me on the temple, looking at Dr. Raynes showing off for appearance.

But Laura was watching and listening behind him, with a sad face as she saw me shed a tear for my life.

Since then she had been my rock. I would try a couple of times, to end my life here, feeling that I've had enough. His words sent me over the edge. Making me wanted to die. But she would hold me and rocked me to sleep. Unlike other attendants here, that would just give me shots, or even more pills to make me complied with their program.

I was looking at my blank canvas, when the tattooed handsome goodness took my book, and put it on the table beside me, and gave me a graphite pencil. He pointed to the plastic flower in a vase, in front of the class.

"Nicolette, why don't you try and sketch the object?" He left me, to view others' painting progress.

I gripped the pencil and started drawing frantically, fast long strokes with the precision ratio of length and width. God! I haven't done this in three years, not since Collin.

Suddenly my vision became blurry. Then I threw the graphite pencil on the table, and quickly run to the third story window.

Fuck it! I wanted to die! I had enough of this. I was done. I gave up. Then I felt a strong pair of arms grabbed my waist and pulled me in.

Shit! I couldn't even die! I was a failure even at trying to kill my self.

"Please! Please just let me die." I cried hard and slumped down.

"Just let me go and end my life. Please just give me that." I cried hard as the person kept on holding me tight.

Suddenly I saw Laura, and she rushed to my side and took me away from whoever I was clinging to.

"There child, I'm sorry I pushed you too far. It's okay, you don't have to draw anymore. Let's get you to your favorite nook okay?" I kept on crying to Laura. But went with her to my nook.

Laura finally left me alone with my book. I love my books, where I could escape from my reality into another world of people's minds. Sometimes I would think, that was my therapy.

I would feel better in the inside minds of brilliant authors. Lost in fictions of heroes, knights, and kingdoms where all led up to bravery, strength, and persistence. I would get lost, and caught up in the story and found out another day had gone by, and the sky was getting darker.

That day I could feel, someone was watching me from the corner, as I was reading. But I kept on reading anyway, never minding others as I liked to be left alone.

Until Laura came to get me and ushered me back to my room. I passed the corner seat and saw a sketch, a beautiful sketch of a woman by the window reading a book with rays of sunshine highlighted her soft pale features. Laura saw to my direction and picked up the sketchbook.

"It's Brenton's, I should give it back to him. He was in a hurry when he left an hour ago. It's beautiful tough, he really captured you beautifully, in this one." She told me, I was a bit stunned but tried to appear casual. To which she laughed. Sometimes it was really surprising, how she knew and could read me so well.

The next day, Laura accompanied me to our group meeting, where we were supposed to share our issues with other patients there.

That day I was back to sheltering myself from others. Resisting every attempt from the group leader, to try and made me share and opened up to the group. I left the meeting still feeling the same sadness and helplessness.

I was so focused on my book, reading while walking to my favorite seat by the window. Until I smashed myself, into a body. I slowly looked up finding the tattooed handsome goodness' face, he was smiling looking down at me. Looking amused, that I bumped into him.

Musk. Manly aftershave scent. What? why? damn! It has been a really long time.

I quickly tried to get around him but, he held my stance. "Nicolette, I was hoping to talk to you. I saw your sketch. The strong strokes, composition, the passion is there. Why do you stop?" He took my book, marked it, and closed it.

He was taking my hand smoothly like he was used to handling fragile things. He led me to the garden, he informed Laura at the desk, that he was going to take a walk with me outside. She nodded and smiled at me. "Just bring her back, when she wants to Brenton. Take care of her, she's my baby." I pouted at her and she laughed.

We sat on the bench, he was waiting for me to talk. He didn't push me, he just patiently waited for me.

"Collin, my husband. He made me quit painting. Sorry but I can't paint, it reminds me of him. I don't want to be reminded of him." My body instantly shuddered, my tears trickled down my cheeks.

"Fuck! Sorry, I can't do this. I don't share. It hurts too much." He held my hand in his. Kept rubbing it trying to calm me down. But didn't say anything. He wiped my tears away and hugged me. Put his chin on top of my head, and keeps rubbing my back. I kept on staying still and didn't say anything. I finally calmed down and he let me go.

"Do you want to read in my class? I'd like to paint you. May I? You can read anywhere you want, right? I like catching people's expressions, and yours is a very honest one. The sadness it's so deep, I need to paint it." He caressed and stroked my cheek. He didn't smile, he looked sad and understanding. But I could see that there was a wanting in his eyes. The need for my approval. I didn't say anything to him. But it was like he could see it in my eyes.

He held out his hand, as I took his and followed him to his class. Laura looked at us, a bit taken back that I would follow him back to his class, after my last incident. He led me to sit on the stool, that he already moved to the center of the room. He gave me back my book and told me to continue reading it. While he got back behind the canvas and started painting.

I let him be, as I continued my reading. We stayed silent for almost two hours until he finally finished. His face was clear like he had accomplished something.

He came to me and held out his hand. His eyes were telling me to follow him, as I did. I looked behind the canvas. His strokes, his choices of colors it was genius. He was freaking talented. This was a gallery-quality painting. I knew this stuff, I went to school for this. Not many people could achieve this kind of art within a day, not to mention two hours.

"Why are you here? This is amazing, not many artists can achieve this kind of result in such a small amount of time." I hovered my hand above his painting, catching the sadness in his strokes. My tears fell feeling the sadness in his painting. "Beautiful." I couldn't even bring my hand to touch the painting it was too beautiful.

He wiped my tears for the second time today. "You are beautiful. Even your sadness is beautiful. I would like to paint you again tomorrow." He didn't ask, just stated so. I nodded to his statement.

"Come, let me get you back to Laura. I should get going. I will see you again tomorrow. Keep on reading your books for now. It will keep your mind occupied from your husband, and your inner demons." He rubbed my shoulder and slowly kissed my temple, as I closed my eyes feeling his warmth.

He left me with Laura. Thanking me for my time. And told Laura to spared me some time, in my schedule with him tomorrow. She smiled looking at me and back at him, and confirmed to him that she will do that.