Bound by Desire

2010

Sixteen years old eve exhaled.

I sat in my room, my eyes glued to the window, watching the children play outside. They laughed and ran freely, their joyous sounds reaching me even through the thick glass. I wondered why I was never allowed to even go out. Ever since I could remember, my parents had always told me I was special, that I had to stay inside. The whispers around the castle said I was to be treated like a queen, ever since my birth, when my parents were given enough money to move to this grand castle. But what did it mean to be a queen when all I wanted was to experience life.

A knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts. The maid entered, her face a mask of formality. "Miss Eve, it is time for you to appear at the ball."

I sighed, standing up and smoothing my dress. Another ball, another event where I would be paraded around like a precious artifact. I followed the maid, feeling the familiar weight of everyone's gazes as I entered the grand hall. Their eyes followed me, filled with curiosity and something else I couldn't quite place. It always freaked me out, this intense interest in me.

The ball went on, people trying to talk to me, to touch me. The guards always stepped in, ensuring no one got too close. I stood there, watching them all. They greeted me so kindly, treating me like some treasure. It confused me. Why was I so special? What made me different from any other child?

Finally, the ball came to an end. I slipped away, unnoticed, sneaking out of the castle. My feet carried me to the playground. But it was empty now, the children gone. The swings hung still, the sandbox undisturbed. I sat down on a bench, the cool night air wrapping around me.

I didn't understand any of it. I didn't want to be special.

As I sat there, I thought back to the earliest days I could remember, trying to piece together the mystery of my life. I had always been told that I was different, that I had to be protected. But protected from what? I never saw any danger lurking around the corners of the castle, only the constant presence of the guards and the strict routines that kept me inside.

I remembered my tenth birthday, a grand affair with elaborate decorations and countless guests, all of whom I didn't recognize. My parents had dressed me in a beautiful gown, and I had been presented to the crowd as if I were royalty. I had tried to play with the other children who had come, but they had been whisked away by their parents, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the grand hall.

"She's too precious to mingle with commoners," I overheard someone say that day. "She must be preserved at all costs."

But what made me so precious? Why was I different? I wasn't allowed to go to school like other children. Tutors came to the castle to teach me, and while they were kind, it wasn't the same as being with other kids. I longed for friends, for companionship, for the simple joy of playing tag or hide and seek.

I looked up at the stars, twinkling in the clear night sky, and made a silent wish. I wished for answers, for someone to explain why my life was the way it was. I wished to know why I couldn't be like the children I watched from my window every day.

The only information I have ever gotten was never to cut my hair.

The sound of footsteps brought me back to the present. I turned to see one of the guards approaching me. "Miss Eve, you shouldn't be out here alone. It's not safe."

I sighed and stood up, knowing that arguing was pointless. I followed him back to the castle, back to my room. As I lay in bed that night, I thought about the children, about their laughter and freedom. I dreamed of a life where I could be one of them, where I wasn't confined to the walls of the castle.

The next morning, I woke up determined to find out why they won't let me mingle with other children, even my younger siblings.

I found my mother in the drawing room, reviewing some documents. "Mother" I asked, my voice wavering slightly.

She looked up and smiled. "My child, What is it?" She look at me gently " are you hungry?"

I took a deep breath. "I want to know why I'm different. Why can't I mingle with other people ? Why do I have to stay inside all the time?" I mumble " why can't I go out alone?"

Her smile faded, and a look of concern crossed her face. "Eve, you are special. You have a responsibility that others don't."

"But what responsibility?" I pressed. "I'm just a teenager. Why can't I have a normal life?"

She sighed and set the documents aside. "Eve, there's so much you don't understand. Your birth was... significant. There are people who would seek to have you if they knew about you. We keep you safe because we love you."

I felt a lump forming in my throat. "But I don't want to be different. I want to do things other people do. I want to have friends."

My mother reached out and took my hand. "I know it's hard, Eve. But you have to trust us. One day, you'll understand."

Her words offered little comfort, but I knew that pressing further would be futile. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what she had said. There were people who wanted to have me? Why? What was so special about my birth?

In the following days, I tried to gather more information. I spoke to the maids, the tutors, even the guards, but no one would give me a straight answer. They all seemed to know something I didn't, and it frustrated me to no end.

One evening, as I was reading in the library, I came across an old book that seemed out of place. It was dusty and worn, the title barely legible. "The vampires territory " it read. My heart raced as I opened it, hoping to find some answers.

The book spoke of how humans are being maltreated by vampires, how vampires are the higher beings, the one to be worship.

I read on, my hands trembling. The more I read, the more I realized that the book is about this world, brings that suck blood of humans, humans are treated like animals. And then humans with white long hair, the goddesses.

I closed the book and leaned back in my chair, feeling overwhelmed.

The days that followed were filled with a new sense of purpose. I started paying more attention to my lessons, realizing that the knowledge my tutors were imparting was not just for my education, but for my future role. I began to understand the importance of the skills they were teaching me-diplomacy, strategy, history. Everything on how to keep myself pure

But despite this newfound understanding, the longing for a normal life never left me. I still watched the normal ladies from my window, still dreamed of chatting with them. I wondered if there would ever be a way to bridge the gap between my responsibilities and my desires.

Months pass by.

I sat in the library, bathed in the soft light filtering through the stained-glass windows. This was my usual noon schedule-reading. I had a particular fondness for the ancient texts and histories that lined the shelves. Today, I was deeply engrossed in a book about the ancient kingdoms, the rise and fall of empires long forgotten. The scent of old paper and leather bindings was comforting, a constant in my otherwise unpredictable life.

Suddenly, a strange voice startled me. "Little Eve."

I looked up from my book and noticed a tall man standing in the doorway. He looked far older than me, with dark hair and piercing red eyes that seemed to see right through me. His presence was unnerving, and I felt a chill run down my spine.

"Who are you?" I asked, my voice trembling slightly.

He moved closer, his footsteps echoing in the quiet room. "Little Eve," he repeated, bending to his knees so that we were at eye level. "Whose toy are you?"

"Toy?" I responded, confused. The word felt foreign and wrong in this context.

"Yes, you are human," he said, reaching out to touch my hair. "Who do you belong to? I wish to buy you."

His words made my eyes widen in fear. I pulled away from his touch, my heart racing. "I don't belong to anyone. I am not for sale."

The man's expression remained calm, almost curious. "Interesting. I was told there was a special child here, one who is not like the others. Is that you?"

I stood up, putting the book down and stepping back. "I think you should leave," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

The man straightened up and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Very well, little Eve. But remember, everyone belongs to someone."

That picked my interest" what do you mean?"

He smile, once again not reaching his eyes " it means every human have a master " he move closer, I try stepping back but I couldn't, fear grip my legs, his hands touch my hair and I meet his gaze " no matter how precious people think you are, someone will own you " he lean close whispering " it should be me"

" who are you?"

" your only admirer " his hands move to my lips " I will lmwatch you grow, grow into my mind of woman, then I promise to be back " with that, he turn away and left, leaving me with trembling body.

He didn't hit me but something about him frightens me and I do believe he meant what he said, that scares me.

2011

I stood in the shadows of the grand hall, watching the ball unfold. The chandeliers above cast shimmering light across the room, illuminating the sea of extravagant dresses and polished suits. My eyes, however, were fixed on one figure-Eve. She moved with a grace that belied her young age, a delicate balance of poise and innocence. Her long white hair flowed down her back, a stark contrast to the dark, formal attire of the guests around her. To everyone else, she was a vision of purity and mystery. To me, she was the perfect little toy. My little Eve.

"You still have eyes on her," Fred looked my way while handing me a glass of wine. "It's been years."

"She still looks gorgeous," my eyes didn't avert from her, observing how different men tried their best to talk to her, no doubt hoping to catch her attention and gain her favor.

"I heard your brother is trying to get her in his arms."

"Indeed." The thought of my brother trying to court Eve filled me with a possessive jealousy. She was mine, and mine alone.

"Doesn't that mean you should set eyes on someone else?"

"Preposterous," I smiled, though the gesture felt forced. "I will eventually get her." This was her eighteenth birthday, indicating that she was ripe enough to pluck. Our eyes locked, but she just smiled-a smile that meant she didn't recognize me. Silly girl.

Walking in a room filled with hungry men, how could she still breathe calmly, looking at all these predators? I felt a surge of protectiveness, even as I longed to claim her for myself.

As the ball came to a close and the guests began to disperse, I lingered in the hallway outside the grand hall. I knew Eve would try to slip away as she always did. My heart pounded with anticipation. Tonight was the night I would finally introduce myself to her, to set in motion the plans that had been years in the making.

As expected, Eve slipped out of the hall, unnoticed by the revelers still basking in the afterglow of the ball. I followed her, my steps silent on the polished marble floors. She headed to the playground, now empty and still under the blanket of night. I watched from a distance as she sat on a bench, her shoulders slumped with the weight of her burdens.

I took a deep breath and stepped forward, making my presence known. "Little Eve," I called out softly.

She looked up, startled, her eyes wide with fear and curiosity. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice trembling.

I moved closer, stopping a few feet away from her. "I am Diego," I said, keeping my voice gentle. "I've been meaning to talk to you." The first step of taking a woman is making her think she is safe with you.

Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Why? What do you want from me?"

I smiled, trying to put her at ease. "I want to help you, Eve. I know you have nobody to talk to."

She shook her head, confusion and defiance in her eyes. After a few minutes, she furrowed her brows. "Why would I want that? You look really fishy."

I nodded, understanding her frustration. "And you think I want you in some other way? You might just be right."

"What?"

"Little Eve," I smiled, though it felt hollow. "Isn't it obvious I like you?" I watched her cheeks stain red. A girl at her age would interpret this in many ways. I was sure she had never heard such words so close before. If I spoke better, manipulating her should be easy.

Eve stood up. Even when her cheeks were red, her eyes still danced with suspicion. She looked around. "Why are you here? To kidnap me since no one is around?"

I took a step closer, lowering my voice to a whisper. "Indeed, but yes, only to the part where you mentioned no one is around."

She hesitated, her resolve wavering. "What do you mean?"

"There are those who see you as nothing more than a prize, a possession to be owned," I explained. "But you seem a whole lot more-different, interesting."

She looked at me, her eyes searching for the truth in my words. "What do you want from me, Diego?"

I took a deep breath, knowing this was the moment I had been preparing for. "I want to be your talk buddy. Let's be friends, Eve."

Eve's eyes filled with uncertainty, but she didn't stop looking at me. For some reason, her eyes didn't want to waver from mine. "Is something wrong?" I asked. "You seem distracted."

"Oh, no," she looked away. "Excuse me." I watched her leave, her steps quickening with each passing moment. She looked really determined to get away from me. Placing my right hand under my jaw, I smiled. She really did look beautiful, but her rejection stung more than I cared to admit.

Eve shut the door the moment she stepped in, her heart racing. Moving my hands to my lips, i tried to catch my breath. Why is he here? It's the same man-the one that always appears in my dreams. This man, he seemed different, yet so familiar.

Moving to the window, i stared at him-his tall figure, red hair, dark eyes, and his lips. They were red, his sharp jawline and broad shoulders. No, it's not the first time a handsome man has talked to me. But this man, he didn't mention marriage. He just wanted to be friends? But why? Isn't that something to be suspicious about? Why would i need to be friends with him? Is it a way for him to kidnap me? Trap me?

"Eve!" Hearing my mother's voice, i hurriedly moved back to my bed. She opened the door and smiled. "How are you feeling?" She sat next to me. "You were complaining about your stomach earlier."

"I'm okay, Mother." I felt a pang of guilt for my earlier lies. Her mother was only trying to look out for her.

"There is something we must discuss."

"Discuss?"

"I'm sure you have heard about marriages?"

My heart sank, the familiar feeling of rejection welling up within me. "Mother," i stood up. "I told you, I will pick who I want to get married to!"

"Eve-"

"Aren't you tired of controlling my life? Can't I even select who I want?" I looked at her, disappointment and frustration etched on her face.

Before she could say more, a strange voice made me look toward the door.

"Did I interrupt something?" Eve blinked, her eyes landing on the tall, handsome figure of Lord Vasile. He had red hair, such an odd color, and eyes that seemed to bore into my very soul. In short, he was undeniably attractive.

"Who are you?"

"The man you are rejecting."

My mother stood up, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Eve, this is Lord Vasile. He has come to discuss a proposal."of course, it's always about marriage, why do no body hear what am saying, they keep treating me like a talking to.

I can also make decisions!

I stared at him, my heart pounding with fear, fear that my family will agree to this man. "A proposal?"

"Yes," Vasile said smoothly, stepping into the room with an air of confidence. "I've heard much about you, Eve, and I believe we could make a good match."

I crossed her arms, feeling defiant. "I don't even know you."I speak, trying to act tough, it's clear, he already knows I don't make decisions with my life.

mother sighed and gently squeezed my shoulder. "I'll leave you two to talk. Please, Eve, just hear him out." With that, she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Vasile took a step closer, his eyes never leaving mine. "Eve, I understand this is sudden, but I assure you, I have your best interests at heart." He smile " in this marriage, you will be free to do whatever you want, go wherever you want "

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. "Why should I believe that? What do you know about my interests?"

He smiled, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "I know that you long for freedom, for a life beyond these castle walls. I can offer you that."

"How?" I demanded, my skepticism clear. "By marrying me and keeping me in another cage?"

Vasile shook his head. "No, Eve. I intend to do what I said earlier, you will be free to do whatever you want, make your own decision ."

His words intrigued me, but i couldn't shake my mistrust. "And what do you get out of this arrangement?"

He held my gaze, his expression sincere. "I get a partner, to be honest, I get someone everyone have been praying to have." He step closer " one more thing, nobody will be allowed to touch you, you will not permit any man close to you, even I... Won't pluck you " his words seem strange " you will remain untouched, pure.... Even after marriage "

His obsession confused me, why get married just to keep one pure? What will he really get out of this? One thing is certain, If I trust him, I will be free, out of this hell hole..... Is a risk I might just take

" okay " I nod " it's a deal"

I sat in the meeting hall, the grandeur of the room only amplifying the tension in my chest. The chandeliers above, with their intricate crystal designs, reflected the flickering candlelight, casting a warm yet suffocating glow. I watched as Vasile discussed his marriage plans with our parents, his voice brimming with excitement and confidence.

"Do you think she will support?" our father asked, his tone filled with cautious optimism.

"Of course, she already gave her go ahead," Vasile responded, his eyes gleaming with joy. It was a rare sight, seeing him this elated. Normally so composed and stoic, Vasile now looked almost boyish in his happiness. For any other occasion, I would have shared in his joy, but not this time. The fact that I also desired Eve gnawed at my insides, turning his happiness into a bitter pill I was forced to swallow.

As our parents left the meeting hall, their expressions a mix of relief and pride, Vasile turned to me. His eyes sparkled with a mix of excitement and anticipation, and I had to force a smile to mask the storm brewing within me.

"Diego, can you believe it?" Vasile began, his voice barely able to contain his joy. "Eve has agreed to marry me! I still can't quite wrap my head around it."

I nodded, my face a mask of brotherly support. "It's wonderful news, Vasile. Truly, I'm happy for you."

He walked over to me, his steps quick and purposeful. "I have so many plans, Diego. So many things I want to share with her. Eve is special, you know? There's a fire in her, a spirit that's rare."

I forced another smile, though it felt like my face might crack under the strain. "Yes, she is quite unique."

Vasile's eyes narrowed slightly, his gaze turning thoughtful. "I've noticed you watching her too, Diego. What do you think of her?"

For a moment, my carefully constructed facade almost slipped. How much had he seen? Did he know about the nights I spent watching Eve from the shadows, my heart aching with a mix of desire and frustration? But I couldn't let him see that. Not now.

"She's... intriguing," I said carefully, choosing my words with precision. "But what matters is what you think of her, Vasile. She's your future wife, after all."

Vasile smiled, his joy undiminished. "I think she's incredible. Every time I speak with her, I see something new, something fascinating. She's not just beautiful, Diego. She's intelligent, strong, and she has this... purity about her."

Purity. The word stung, reminding me of the dark, possessive thoughts I harbored. "She does seem to have a certain... innocence," I agreed, my voice betraying none of my inner turmoil.

Vasile sat down beside me, his expression turning serious. "I want to protect that, Diego. I want to ensure that she remains untainted by the darkness of our world. That's why I proposed to her. I want her to feel safe and free."

"Safe and free," I repeated, my mind drifting back to the night I first spoke to Eve. Her vulnerability, her strength-they had captivated me. But now, hearing Vasile's noble intentions, I felt a pang of guilt. My desires seemed selfish in comparison.

"I know you've always had my back, Diego," Vasile continued, his voice softening. "And I need your support now more than ever. This marriage isn't just about me or Eve. It's about our family, our legacy. Can I count on you?"

His words were a knife to my heart. How could I support him in this when every fiber of my being screamed for Eve? But I nodded, the mask of brotherly duty firmly in place. "Of course, Vasile. You can always count on me."

He clapped me on the shoulder, his smile widening. "Thank you, brother. I knew I could rely on you."

As he began to talk about his plans for the future-trips he wanted to take with Eve, projects they could work on together-I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my composure. Each word, each expression of his joy, was a reminder of what I was being asked to sacrifice.

Vasile's voice was filled with excitement as he described the estate he wanted to build for Eve. "A place where she can be herself, where she can explore and learn without any restrictions. I've already started drawing up the plans. It will be a sanctuary for her."

I nodded along, trying to focus on his words rather than the jealousy that threatened to consume me. "It sounds like a wonderful place. Eve will love it."

"I hope so," Vasile said, his voice tinged with a hint of vulnerability. "I want her to be happy, Diego. Truly happy. And I believe that with her by my side, I can make that happen."

" you love her?" I ask

" love is a huge word " vasile smile " I wish to own her, not just that but seeing her happy that I am her master, she is human after all" I nod, of course, I know the kind of

As Vasile continued to talk, I found myself retreating into my thoughts. Memories of Eve danced in my mind: the way she moved at the ball, the sound of her voice, the touch of her hand. I had watched her for years, my feelings growing stronger with each passing day. And now, all of that was being taken away from me.

"Diego, are you alright?" Vasile's voice broke through my reverie, pulling me back to the present.

I forced a smile, hoping it didn't look as hollow as it felt. "Yes, I'm fine. Just... thinking."

Vasile nodded, his expression understanding. "I know this is a lot to take in. But I'm glad you're here with me, Diego. I couldn't do this without you."

After a few more minutes of discussing his plans, Vasile stood up. "I should go. There's still so much to do before the wedding. Thank you for listening, Diego. It means a lot."

I nodded, my smile still in place. "Anytime, Vasile. You know I'm always here for you."

As he left the meeting hall, I felt a weight settle on my chest. Supporting Vasile in his pursuit of happiness with Eve was going to be one of the hardest things I'd ever done. But I had no choice. For now, I had to keep my feelings hidden, to bury them deep inside and hope that one day, they wouldn't consume me entirely.

This obsession.

As the days turned into weeks, the preparations for the wedding continued in earnest. Vasile was often busy, but he made time to share his plans and ideas with me, his excitement undiminished. Each conversation felt like a dagger to my soul, but I kept my mask firmly in place, pretending to share in his joy.

I stepped out of the bathroom, the steam curling around me like the tendrils of a ghostly embrace. The cool air of my bedroom was a welcome contrast to the humid warmth, and I shut the door behind me, relishing the quiet. My cellphone lay on the nightstand, a silent testament to my isolation. I still wondered why I owned this object-no one dared to call me or check up on me. It was a symbol of a freedom I didn't truly possess.

I put on my nightwear, a soft, silken gown that clung to my frame with gentle familiarity. Moving to my dressing chair, I picked up my brush and began to work through the knots in my long, white hair. My gaze never left my reflection. The girl staring back at me was a stranger in many ways-innocent, yet burdened with the weight of expectations and dreams that seemed forever out of reach.

Marriage. The word echoed in my mind, a concept that seemed both foreign and inevitable. I never thought I would get into it so fast. But is this truly the only way for me to be free? Must I take this risk?

"Marriage?" a voice startled me, breaking my reverie. I turned to see Diego leaning against the wall next to my window, his red eyes fixed on me with an intensity that made my heart skip a beat. When did he get here? How had I not noticed his presence?

"Do you really fancy Vasile?" he asked, his voice low and edged with something I couldn't quite identify.

"How did you-?" I began, my mind racing to catch up with the sudden intrusion.

"How did I know?" he finished for me, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "I have my ways, little Eve. I hear things."

I stood up, the brush still clutched in my hand like a lifeline. "You shouldn't be here, Diego. It's late."

He shrugged, pushing away from the wall and taking a step closer. "I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind."

I watched him warily, my heart pounding. There was something different about him tonight, a darkness in his eyes that set me on edge. "What do you want, Diego?"

He took another step, his gaze never leaving mine. "I want to know if you really want to marry lord vasile."

I swallowed, trying to steady my nerves. Why do he affect me this way"Vasile has been kind to me. He promises me freedom, a chance to live my life on my own terms."

"And you believe him?" Diego's voice was sharp, almost accusatory. "You think marrying him will set you free?"

I frowned, unsure of where this was coming from. "What are you saying, Diego?"

He closed the distance between us in a few swift strides, his presence overwhelming. "I'm saying that Vasile isn't the only one who can offer you freedom, Eve. There are other ways."

"Other ways?" I echoed, confusion mingling with the growing sense of unease. "Like what?"

Diego's hand reached out to brush a strand of hair from my face, his touch sending a shiver down my spine. "Like not rushing into a marriage with someone you barely know. Like taking the time to figure out what you really want."

I stepped back, the brush slipping from my fingers and clattering to the floor. "Why do you care, Diego? Why does it matter to you what I do?" I frown " you have no business in this, I don't even know you, this is like the second time am even talking to you!" I yell.

His eyes darkened, the mask of calm slipping to reveal a flash of something raw and unguarded. "Because you belong to me, you don't even realize it."

I stared at him, the truth of his words hitting me like a physical blow. "You're jealous," I said, the realization dawning on me.

Diego's jaw tightened, his expression hardening. "Jealous? Maybe. Or maybe I just don't want to see you make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life."

The intensity of his gaze made it hard to breathe. "You don't think Vasile is right for me?"

"I don't think anyone is right for you if it means you're being forced into something you're not ready for," he replied, his voice low and urgent. "Eve, you deserve to make your own choices, not have them made for you."

I turned away, my mind a whirl of conflicting emotions. "And what if I choose Vasile? What if I think he can give me the life I want?"

"i will never accept it!" Diego said, though the seriousness in his voice, unmistakable.

I faced him again, the weight of his words settling heavily on my shoulders. "What do you really want from me, Diego?"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. "I want you to be happy, Eve. Truly happy. Not just settled for something because it seems like the only way out."

"And you think marrying Vasile is settling?" I challenged, feeling a spark of defiance. " what do you want? I should marry you? I don't even know you!!!"

" you don't know vasile either!!!"

The raw honesty in his words left me speechless. I had always sensed something between us, a connection that went beyond mere acquaintance. But hearing him voice it so openly was both terrifying and exhilarating.

"I don't know what to say," I whispered, my emotions a tangled mess.

Diego took a step back, his expression softening. "You don't have to say anything, Eve. Just... think about what you really want. Don't let anyone, not even Vasile, make that decision for you."

I nodded, the weight of his words pressing down on me. "I will."

He gave me a small, sad smile. "Goodnight, Eve."

"Goodnight, Diego," I replied, watching as he turned and left the room, through the window.

I frown, these two men, I know nothing of them, I have no idea why suddenly my life is becoming unstable, why will I reject vesile offer, he seemed more honest compare to Diego

Diego never even mentioned marrying me, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Alone again, I sank onto the edge of my bed, my mind racing. Diego's words echoed in my ears, a stark contrast to the promises Vasile had made. Could I really trust either of them? Was marriage truly the only way for me to gain my freedom?

I picked up my cellphone, the object feeling heavier than ever in my hand. I scrolled through the contacts-names of people who were more acquaintances than friends. No one I could truly confide in. No one who would understand the turmoil I was feeling.

The night stretched on, the silence oppressive. I couldn't shake the image of Diego's face, the pain and jealousy that had been so evident. Was he right? Was I making a mistake by rushing into a marriage with Vasile?

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. My heart leaped into my throat. Who could it be at this hour? I stood up, hesitant, and made my way to the door