BROKEN

I placed my hands gently on the railings, the weather was really cool today, The sunlit cloud drifted across a clear blue sky and you could see kids playing everywhere. It was a perfect weather for them to play around the neighbourhood.

I was lost in my thoughts as memories came flooding my head. I thought they said time healed pain but in my case I guess the more time passed I became even more miserable and everything seemed like it just happened yesterday.

Especially the little witch he had left me with. Some hate me so much for treating her badly. Some others say I don't even deserve to be a mother. But no body knows what I had gone through or what I had faced since she came into my life. but mother always says I am overreacting but I think I have a share of the blame because I allowed myself fall in love. " love", that word scares the hell out of me now more than ever.

"zee!! You have been standing there for hours now, what are you doing there"mama queried coming towards me where I was standing as she stood beside me.

I know how much she hated to see me like this and I was already feeling guilty for making the poor woman feel that way because she had really helped me alot.

"mother, I am fine the weather is so good today"i replied as I forced a smile back to my lips.

"Layla what's wrong"mother said as she faced the 6 year old that ce towards us.

"grandma, I can't find my shoes"a terrified looking Layla said.

"you stupid girl, you ungrateful little thing"i said angrily as I moved towards her twisting her ears with my hands. I didn't know why I did that or where the anger even came from but I just didn't even like seeing her around. You might hate me or call me wicked but listen to my story first.

"stop that zee, it's okay"mother said, as she tried to free Layla from my hands"

She immediately ran to hug my mother as tears streamed down her face.

"she lost her shoe and it's okay mother. You know how much I work to get her the things she needs and all she does is to be an ungrateful little thing"i screamed

"Zeenat!!!"mama exclaimed

I watched as layla let go of mama running towards me and hugging me tightly but I didn't hug her back.

"mother I am sorry"she apologized

"get away from me you, I wish you never came into my life"i said as I pushed her away and left to my room all I heard was Layla's voice.

"mother!!" "mother!!" "mother I am sorry!!" but I just kept on walking to my room without turning back.

I layed on my bed as I held the pillow closely to me.

"I hate you so much Layla and it's all because of your dad"i said to myself as tears streamed down my face as again the memories started coming back to me.

***flash back***

"zee why not take this red bangles it will look perfect on you"he said as he wore them on me.

"I don't need you buying all this gifts for me everytime. you know I love you just the way you are"i said as I smiled hugging him tightly.

"I love you zee always and you deserve the world in which I am ready to give to you"

**********

"see, love, the stars look great tonight"

"yeah, you know how much I love to just stare at them"i said leaning on his chest"

"my mom is calling, i don't want her to get worried, I think I should just go now"i said worried about what I was going to say when I got home.

"let me drop you off"he offered.

"no love, you can't, you know my mum most not see you. She will be so mad at me" I explained.

"love, can you promise me something"i asked as I held his hands in mine closely

"Anything, sweetheart"

"promise me you won't stop loving me no matter what happens"

"you know what sweetheart, no one will ever take your place in my heart. It is you and I forever"he said as he caressed my cheeks with his hands.

"I should go now, love"

"ain't you going to kiss me goodnight!!"he said after me

"not tonight baby"i said as I walked towards the door smiling.

*******************

"Zeenat" mum called as she walked in my room and I immediately snapped back to reality. I could see how worried she looked.

"the stars look beautiful tonight"mum acknowledged

"I hate the stars and I don't even care"i said

"Zeenat, Layla is asleep now but please take things easy no matter what, she is still your daughter and she will always be.

"mom, i don't care"

"you know what Zeenat, everything in life is a test and even life itself is a test. Sometimes things go the way we want and some other times they don't. The almighty has the best plans for us "we plan, he plans but he is the best of all planners" you just have to trust him"

"mother, where was he when I needed him the most, where was he when I gave birth to Layla and there was no money so the doctor didn't administer any treatment to me, where was he when I couldn't even find a good food to give to Layla when she was too little and I had to pick from trash cans. Where was he when Layla got very sick as a toddler and I had to do five different jobs just to make sure I got the money for her treatment. Mother tell me where was he!!!!"

"zeenat my dear you have to trust him and be patient"

"Grand ma, why does mother hate me."Layla asked as Mother brushed her hair for school. I could here bits of their conversation from where I was but I chose not to listen or even pay attention.

"don't say such a thing again"Mother said as she bent down to her level raising her jaw up so she could face Layla. If only I could see mother's face, I knew it was going to be sad and probably anger towards me too for how I treated Layla.

"she loves you so much, sweetheart you should never forget that. She gave birth to you. Every mother loves her child very much and you should believe me when I tell you she does. You are the only one she has got and never think she doesn't care about you" mother said trying to make Layla feel better.

"yes grandma" she replied picking up her backpack from the bed.

"now you should go to school, so you won't be late"

"bye grandma" she called out as she left to go enter the bus.

"may the Almighty be with you my dear"Mother said as she watched her enter into the school bus.

"mother, I am off to work"I said as I kissed her cheek ready to leave the house.

"take care of yourself dear"

I moved outside as I waited for the car that was going to pick me up. After years of searching for a good paying job at last I recently got this job at a big estate management firm and I still remember how I got it and how much usman, my boss had helped me with it.

**flashback**

"hello miss, are you here for the interview"the man who had just entered said facing me. I had seen the ad on the newspaper the day before and after months and months of searching for a job I had hoped that I got this one because there was so much Bills to pay and mother and Layla needed me. There was no one to help.

"yes, I am. but the secretary said I was late"I answered. I had missed my way to the company and when I got there I was late but I couldn't just leave like that so I had waited to at least explain my self to anyone who wished to listen. I was angry at myself for making such a mistake but then there was nothing I could do but hope I would be given a chance to at least speak to the person in charge.

"please come with me to my office"he added

"please sit" he offered

"thank you sir"

"As I can see from here, you are actually late for the interview but I want to help, can I see your credentials"he asked as I stretched out my hand to give it to him.

"This is very good, I am sure you are going to be of great help to the company"he said as he looked through my credentials and I smiled a bit.

"why would I say no to this, this company needs someone like this. You can start on Monday" he said and that was all. It didn't even take so much time and I was offered the job.

"oh my!! Are you serious!!"I said excitedly as words couldn't escape my mouth. Few minutes ago I had thought I lost the opportunity and now this.

"thank you, thank you so much sir"

"you're welcome, just call me usman" he said with a smile on his face.

*****************

"morning zeenat"Jane said as I walked into the office.

"morning jane"I replied smiling.

"Mr usman wants to see the documents for the apartment"

"okay Jane, I will be with him in a sec"

"Hello, Good morning", I said as I entered Usman's office

"how are you doing zee" he said and did I mention that he also calls me zee.

"I am fine"

"please sit"

"here are the files"

" this is great zee, the layout is awesome and the clients told me they love it"

"Ohh that's nice"

"zee, a company told me they will be establishing a branch here in the city but they want us to find the perfect location and to handle things for them"

"that's great sir"

"I want you to be in charge of this"

"alright sir, I should leave now"

********************

I lay on my bed slowly staring at the ceiling, it was a long day at work today. I shifted my head to the side as I picked up the picture that I had hung on the wall next to my bed. it was a picture of me and dad. I stared at the picture as it dawned on me that it had been six years since he passed and how much I still missed him like it happened yesterday. Years go by so fast and sometimes it even seemed like we haven't really lived a day but instead just passed through life. I thought about all the memories we shared and how much of a daddy's girl I had always been right from day one. I could still see how much mother too missed him. Sometimes she went through his things that she had refused us to throw away. I remember how for sometime we always avoided talking about what actually led to his death but I could never get the thought out of my head as i was the real culprit and i would never stop blaming myself. I don't know if maybe someone else in the world had it worse than I did but I knew that the past six years have been the worst years of my life and a terrible one. I sat up on the bed as I held the pillow so close to my chest and tears dropped slowly from my eye. Most times I blame myself for his death if only I hadn't fallen in love then maybe, just maybe my dad would have still been alive!!!

I cried quietly as I held the pillow tightly in my hand.

I still remember vividly what had happened that particular day. It will always forever remain one of the worst days of my life.

I stood in front of my mum and dad having told them I had something important to discuss with them. I didn't even know what I was doing or what was going through my mind at that particular moment but I knew I needed to tell someone what was going on and there was no other person but them. "I am pregnant"I blurted as I watched the expression on both of their faces. Mother looked shocked and surprised with her mouth in awe but all that was on fathers face was disappointment as he adjusted how he was sitted on the chair, removing his glasses and putting down the book he had been reading. He was disappointed in me and I could tell. But at that point, I had no other options and I couldn't even hide such for so long. He had such high Hopes for me and he was always so quick to show me off to his peers but now his one and only daughter was in front of him telling him she was pregnant.

"zeenat, what are you saying"mother quickly responded coming closer to me to probably check if I was in my right senses or was possessed by some demon.

"can you imagine!!! Maryam(my mother's name)!! Your daughter is pregnant"he screamed.

"I thought I trained her well, I taught her every single thing and I even gave up so much just for her to be okay!!! But the only way she could repay me was to get pregnant!! She is just in her second year of college and this is what she has to show for it!!! Before Marriage!! I thought you knew better than to disappoint me!! I thought you had a goal in life. But you just want to spoil my reputation and the name I have built!!"he said angrily!!

"I love him father!! And I know he loves me too!!"I said as mother pulled me closer to her self and tears crawled down my face. The stupid me couldn't even think of how my parents were feeling about what had happened. I was only thinking of him.

"zeenat!! I trusted you!! I had so much faith in you!! I believed you were going to make me proud!! I regret the day I called you daughter"he said but then suddenly he held his chest and fell to the ground.

******************

"doctor, what's wrong with my husband!!"mother inqueied as the doctor came out of the emergency room.

"He just suffered from an heart attack" the doctor explained as I wiped the tears that flowed down my cheek.

"zeenat, stay with your father, I need to go get him some drugs"mother said as she left me in the room with him.

I moved to the side of the bed where father was. I bent down and saw that he was asleep. but then I picked up his hands in mine while the tears flowed down my cheek. At that point I realized what I had done. How I was the one that put him in the state he was suffering because of my stupidity and naivety.

"father I am sorry, I caused you a lot of problems I know I am not the ideal daughter that you wanted but I promise I will be different, I will listen to you from now on. Just please get well soon. I promise to make you proud someday. You won't be embarrassed to call me your daughter. I promise to never leave you and to always love you father!! Just please wake up!! Please don't leave me now, I still need you"

"father I am sorry!! Please forgive me"I added and suddenly I saw father open his eye and then he spoke.

"zeenat... I love you and I.. "

Before he could finish his statement the life supporting machine started beeping and it was a flat line. he could not speak again"

"we lost him"the doctor said as he faced me and mother

"NO!!! you can't leave us now!!!"mother screamed as I hugged her tightly and silently cried but within and outside we had only ourselves to console one another. I held tight to father as if I was trying to wake him up and at least hug him one last time. I was devastated, angry, frustrated and I just wished it was me that was in that position instead.

*******************

"I killed him"I said whispering to my self as I held tightly to his picture close to my chest wishing I could hug him instead right now.

"I killed my own father"I said again as the tears dropped continuously from my face. Nothing was going to change that fact and no one could bring him back. My mistakes made that happen to him. He suffered for my own mistakes and now he was gone.

I don't think there will ever come a day I will forgive myself for what I did to him. He loved me, he gave me the best things a father could give a daughter. He was always there being my greatest cheerleader and making me believe my dreams were valid and could come true. He made sure I went to the best schools, he made sure he gave me everything I needed or wanted even if it meant borrowing or selling any of his stuffs for me to be able to get it but then I did this to him. This was the way I could repay him and it hurt, it hurt so much I was sure I would never heal from that much pain. No one could heal from that much pain anyways. I fell in love and I got pregnant. Love has made me lose so much already than it ever gave me. love hurts and I don't think I can ever heal.