BREAKING POINT

Penelope Hampson -more commonly known to her friends as Penny -fitted the key into the door of her little flat and stepped across the threshold into the miniature hall. The door slammed behind her in the sudden draught startling her out of a day dream. She walked into the sitting room and viewed the unlit fire, shivering. The closed door and the chill of the room seemed to drain all the warmth from her body -and suddenly that other, special, golden warmth -from her heart.

Hurriedly she took off her coat, knelt down and put a match to the newspaper. She watched the flames gathering as the kindling caught, then the coal. She spread out her hands to the little blaze and tried to recapture the feeling of happiness -the glow she had felt when she was with Jeremy Gilbert during lunch. But it had gone. Her large brown eyes clouded. She sank into an armchair, feeling a sudden pang of acute loneliness.

Her first thought just now had been - we can't get all the coal we want these days. I must be more careful....

Then all those thoughts save those connected with Jeremy vanished.

It was always like this when she was not actually with him. As soon as she was alone, doubts, worries, panic crowded into her mind destroying all the force of his persuasions, his reasoning, her own longing to comply with his wishes.

She closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the chair.

"Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy!" she whispered. "if only I loved you less"

"If you really loved me as much as you say you do, you wouldn't hesitate!" Jeremy had said

Was he right? Was she being unnecessarily old fashioned? Prudish? Many of her friends nowadays had had or were having affairs; nor could she excuse her reluctance to do as Jeremy wished because she had relations, friends who might be affected by her actions. No, there was nothing to stop her but her own feelings in the matter....she had doubts.

Restlessly, Penny rose from her chair and wandered into her bedroom. It was a pretty room - furnished simply but with taste and originality. Her home was the pride of Penny's life and usually a quick glance around it would give her a steady glow of satisfaction. But not today. Ever since she realized that she was in love with Jeremy she knew that there was something missing from her home. His coat, his cap, and most of all himself.

"I was lucky to find this place" she told herself, studying the soft peach colored walls and matching bedcover and curtains.

But she couldn't destroy the steadily increasing desolation that was gathering her into a cloud of depression. Nothing could destroy it. No one could remove it but Jeremy. And Jeremy could not... Or would not ask her to marry him.

Could not, or would not. Perhaps a little of each. For one thing, Jeremy was being released from the Air force in a few months time and had no civilian job to go to. His father had offered him a job in his company, but Jeremy didn't want that. He could not afford to get married... And yet, did he want to marry her?

Penny was not altogether convinced that he did. He loved her. She was more or less sure of that, but the question remained -did he love you enough to give up his much prized freedom for her? Was that the reason he did not ask her to marry him, or did Jeremy genuinely feel that he had no right to ask her until he could afford to marry her?

Yet he must have known from her careful hints that she would not mind living precariously for a while. After all, she was earning quite good money as an artist doing illustrations for children's books. She could well afford to keep herself and pay the rent of this small flat with a little to spare. If Jeremy wanted a job in town, they could go on living here and it was a well known fact that two could live as cheaply as one.

Penny flung her coat and hat on the bed, and went back to the sitting room. She stared at her phone. She wanted to call him. She wanted to hear Jeremy's voice warm, loving and reassuring. But she hesitated, nevertheless.

Sometimes he was busy in the office and although he always told her that he was thrilled to hear her voice, she had sensed a faint withdrawal in his tone. She had become too sensitive lately to every remark he made, so over eager to be reassured of his love, that even so indefinite a slight could send her into a fresh panic, fresh despair.

"I'm a bundle of nerves!" Penny reproved herself. "I have got to snap out of this or something is going to fall to pieces inside me.

Penny opened the large cardboard folder she had dropped by the armchair, and spread the sheets of drawing paper on her table. She picked up a manuscript and read it through without understanding what she read. Her mind was concentrated exclusively on Jeremy, on the problem of what she would say to him next time he asked her......

"We can't go on as we are, darling!" he had said. "its far too much of a strain on both of us"

Penny knew that he was right. Neither of them were satisfied any longer with a long good night embrace, snatched handclasps in crowded places, passionate, unsettling, kisses.

Since they had met four months ago, they had covered a good deal of ground, and the instant spark of attraction that had flared between them the moment they had met had inevitably grown into a burning, searing flame of desire.

Something virginal in Penny's make up shied at the very word. She knew it was stupid and yet she could not help that instinctive curling up inside herself at the sound of it. To Penny, sex and love between men and women were beautiful things requiring no verbal expression. Or if it must be talked about, then bravely, frankly but sensitively.

Although it had been five years ago, Penny still remembered in detail every second of that brief, bitter sweet time with her husband, Howard Hampson. They had gotten married early. She had been twenty one, and they had grown up together, their families living next door to one another.

Their marriage had been fine... Until Howard died in a car accident a year later.

"Perhaps" Penny thought, "If I had known what it meant to love and be loved I should not feel as I do about Jeremy"

She knew now that her love for Howard, although real and sincere, had nevertheless been immature, now at twenty seven, she had really fallen in love completely and absolutely. There had been no one since Howard partly because she hadn't taken several years to recover from the shock of his death, partly because she could never be satisfied with a light, casual flirtation. It must be love or nothing for her -always. And now Jeremy had come into her life, confirming her instinctive belief that it was worth waiting for the real thing.

A smile touched the corner of her lips as she relived their first meeting. It had been at a literary cocktail party. Jeremy's father was a well known novelists and he had taken Jeremy along with him for the experience and interest it might afford him. The publisher for whom Penny was working at the time had invited her to accompany him in order to help forward her career. It so happened that he was the man who published Mr Gilbert's books.

"I would like to introduce Mrs Penny Hampson" he said to Jeremy's father, Grayson Gilbert.

Mr Gilbert had shaken her hand, saying:

"My son will be greatly surprised. He told me he expected all the clever clever girls would be thin scraggy, brainy and wearing glasses! I had a job to convince him there were bound to be some pretty ones about. Ah! He's coming over to us"

Raising her eyes Penny saw a tall, lithe figure striding towards them, a cheerful grin of anticipation on his handsome, sunburnt face. She felt a little bubble of laughter surge up inside her, a queer sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach.

"Well, dad! So you were right!" Jeremy had said "Will you introduce us?"

"Penelope.... I didn't catch the other name" Mr Gilbert said with a smile.

"Hampson, Penelope Hampson" Penny said holding out her hand.

"I'm Jeremy"

Their eyes had met and they had laughed suddenly and unaccountably like two excited children. Tactfully, Mr Gilbert drew his publisher to one side and opened a conversation.

"Cigarette?" Jeremy asked her.

Penny took one from Jeremy's rolled silver case and watched his long thin fingers striking a match.

'Nice fingers' she had thought. 'I would like to draw his hands'

"You have finished your drink. Wait here and don't dare move until I come back"

She had waited, knowing that she hadn't the slightest intention of moving away from him.

Presently he reappeared and handed her a glass of sherry. Penny lifted her left hand to take the glass, and as she raised it to him, their eyes met again and she saw that his were no longer laughing, but clouded with disappointment.

"Is something wrong?" she had asked.

"No! I.... Did you say Mrs Hampson?"

He stressed the 'Mrs' and Penny knew immediately that he had seen Howard's thin gold wedding ring on her finger.

"Yes!" she said simply. And in order to avoid any embarrassment which might result from further questions, she added. "My husband was killed in an accident some years ago"

"I'm sorry" Jeremy had said and although she had sensed his relief at finding that she was single, she also knew that his sympathy was genuine and sincere.

There had been a moments silence then Jeremy had laughed -that sudden excited nervous laugh of his -and said :

"My father seems to be busy. Let's slip away and find somewhere to dine and dance"

And before Penny could give an assent, he had interrupted his father's conversation. Penny could not hear them, but she saw them nod their heads and smile, and then Jeremy was back, his blue gray eyes sparkling with mischief.

"All set!" he had said. "Now where shall we go?"

"Anywhere you like!" Penny replied. And she had known then that she meant it. She would go anywhere with Jeremy. On half an hour's acquaintance, she was ready to follow him to the other end of the earth if he asked her to go. It was a genuine case of love at first sight.

"I never believed there was such a thing before I met Jeremy" she told herself now. Since then her days had been filled with excitement, interest and a passionate awareness of life and the glory of living. Jeremy had done that for her.

But in spite of all her happiness, there was still one remaining problem. A month ago, Jeremy had told her he loved her. He had dropped her outside her flat after an evening out, and shutting off the engine of his car, he had enfolded her in his arms and said.

"Oh! Penny, I do love you.... So very very much"

But he had not asked her to marry him.

Tomorrow, tomorrow he will! Penny convinced herself as she stood in front of her mirror. She gazed with satisfaction at the rich glow in her cheeks, the twin stars in her dark brown eyes, and the sheen of her rich, sleek brown hair in the soft rosy light of her dressing table lamp. She was beautiful.

'It's because I am in love' she told herself happily.

But Penny could never pass unnoticed even without that sparkle which her highly emotional state had lent her. Her legs were long and slim, her body supple, feminine but firm and youthful in its strength. She carried herself beautifully and her artists hands were long and tapered. Her eyes were set wide apart in an oval face, her nose slightly tip tilted but not enough to give her an air of pertness.

There was no laughter in Penny's eyes as she as she gave up the idea of work and went into her kitchen to make a cup of tea. Only worry and an unusual pallor in her cheeks, a lassitude which suggested sleepless nights. For Jeremy had not asked her to marry him, the next day, or the next. Only the following week did he mention his feelings for her again, and then he had said :

"I can't go on like this much longer, Penny. I'm in love with you. I'm crazy about you. I want more than just your kisses. Can't I come back to your flat tonight?"

Penny had not been annoyed because she too, longed for more than just his embrace. But she had been hurt and Jeremy had known it.

"Look, baby" he tried to explain. "Please don't start thinking that I don't respect you anymore, or that I'm just out for some fun, or any damn fool thing like that. I'm serious about you -more serious than I have ever been in my life about any woman. I love you and I want you like hell. It's natural.. Just nature, that's all. Do you understand?"

Yes, Penny had understood, but she had withdrawn from his embrace, afraid that his ardour would over rule her self made barriers. She loved Jeremy desperately, wanting him as much as he wanted her, but deep down inside her she knew her heart's desire was more than an affair. She wanted a husband and children.

She tried to explain to him, leaving out any mention of marriage but Jeremy had not guessed at her feelings.

"A casual affair!" he had repeated. "Good lord, Penny. I'm not suggesting such a thing. That would be an insult. It's not just a night or two I want you... It's every night... Always"

"Always!" Penny had echoed, her heart soaring in happiness. "Then Jeremy, let's get married right away, tomorrow. I don't mind how soon...."

She left the sentence unfinished, seeing the expression on his face.

"I can't get married now" he said, avoiding her eyes. "You see, darling, I don't have the job I want yet. You know i don't want to work for my father. I am a strong believer in independence. Be beholden to no one is my motto. I want freedom, and independence is the only way to achieve it."

Freedom! The word sang in Penny's ears as she listened to the hiss of the gas under the kettle. Financial freedom or freedom from ties did he mean? She did not know what was in Jeremy's mind and she could not ask him. That was one of penalties of being a woman. It was not for her to take the initiative and no one knew better than she did that if Jeremy wanted to marry her eventually he would ask her.

Penny poured the boiling water into the tea pot and carried the tray through to the sitting room.

'If only I were sure Jeremy would marry me one day, i would live with him now' she thought. 'if he would ask me to get engaged, then it would be alright. Lots of people believe in trying out marriage before they tie themselves up for life. It's possibly a good idea but..... '

Always there were 'buts'. Apart from her reluctance to live 'in sin' as it was commonly called. Penny knew that something else was stopping her. She was afraid. Yes, afraid that in drawing closer to Jeremy she would inevitably grow even more fonder of him than she was now... If that were possible. And she was sure it would be so.

She was also scared that he might her tired of her and leave her and then she would suffer in the same way, perhaps even more, then she had done with Howard had died.

Penny felt utterly exhausted by this prolonged fight between her reasoning powers and her emotions.

Her phone rang, startling Penny back to the immediate present. She knew it was was Jeremy; so certain that it was he, that she let the phone ring. She did not want to speak to him now. She decided to be strong... It ignore the call. She longed desperately to hear his voice, but she did not want to listen in case he should ask her -outright -to live with him. She had reached no decision.

The phone rang three times... Then he didn't call again. Penny put her hot face in her hands -trembling with nerves, frantically sorry now for the strength she had shown.

Without looking at the phone she knew it was Jeremy. He had known that she intended returning to her flat after their lunch party, in order to do some work she had collected that morning.

But maybe it was Audrey. Audrey often came to stay with her sometimes and she usually called before she did.

Audrey Raines was Penny's best friend since high school. Audrey was two years older than Penny. She was unmarried and lived alone. She and Penny were different in character, in their tastes, in looks, but a strong tie of friendship bound them together.

Penny's first guess had been correct. It was Jeremy and not Audrey who had called. Soon -just after six o'clock, she heard him in the driveway.

She leaned out the window, her heart leaping as she saw him -all her grief, her despair vanishing -and waved to him. Nothing remained but her own dazzling crazy love for him.

"Can i come up?" Jeremy shouted.

She nodded.

A few minutes later, Jeremy came through the open doorway and gathered her into his arms.

"What on earth happened to you?" he asked. His lips covered hers before she could reply, his heart beat against her soft breast. "I have been worried stiff. You didn't pick up my call"

She lifted her face, eyes shut for his kisses.

"Damn it, darling, why didn't you pick up my calls?" he asked huskily, "Or were you out... Or Busy?"

Penny walked over to the table and choose a cigarette from the carved wooden box.

"No i wasn't" she said.

"Then why didn't you answer?" Jeremy persisted. "You are not sick.. Are you?"

"No! I was just.. Oh, i don't know. I can't think straight.. I feel frightful" she said, hiding her face against his shoulder.

"Haven't you made up your mind about us?" Jeremy asked, his voice softening.

"Not altogether" she whispered.

Jeremy moved to the sofa and pulled her down beside him. "look here, darling" he said. "We've got to get this business straightened out and we can't until you tell me honestly what is bothering you. What is it? You shouldn't be afraid of tell me. I can take it"

She was glad that he smiled. It eased the tension.

"Should i? Should I tell him?" she thought. 'why not?'

"Jeremy, it isn't really my place to say this" she said aloud, "But you have asked me to speak out, so I will. It's that... I suppose every woman feels this way about the man she loves... It's just that I want to be sure -not of myself, but of you. So I want to get married first"