BECOMING MY EX'S SURROGATE

I stamp my imprints on the cold floor, my head throbbing with rebounds of immense pain. My eyes are overflowing pools of tears. I can't even see well despite the orange lanterns illuminating my white-themed room. My eyebags are bulging out so heavily from all the crying.

How long has it been again?

Four days?

Yes! Four days that feel like an eternity of an inferno of heart-wrecking pains. Four days that I haven't eaten nor stepped out of this room. For days of pure crying, moaning, but not even all that crying has been able to alleviate this pain. Four days that I haven't dared to even breathe the outside aura, but now I want to.

Descending through the stairway, I can only hearken to one irritatingly paralyzing voice echoing in my ears, stroking through the shuttered barricades of my heart - dreadful lull. Silence. And it sucks! It stings! It is banging all the corners of this house and surging in me so savagely as if to mock me, reminding me that despite my loathing towards it, it is, and will be, my only companion from now on.

I curse this life! I curse this shit they call fate! And if there really is someone perched on the throne of heaven, as they say, I don't know what to think of him.

I drag my wasted, dejected self outside, meeting with the darkness as it overtakes the light. Now this rhymes my actual state - my whole entirety is clogged with dearness. The light left my life a long time ago, that is, if there ever was any light in my life.

I shuffle my feeble legs through the darkness, wandering to the backyard just behind the house.

Three graves stare at me!

More tears flow!

Pain stings twofold!

All the energy leaves me abruptly!

I find myself slamming to the misty grass before the graves.

My whole family is all gone - gone for good.

Life is cruel! Fate is cruel! Everything is just cruel to me!

It was not enough that my brother died in a road accident two years ago. It was hell, one bitter hell. Being the only sibling I ever had, I felt like a part of me died with him. I felt so alone and empty, so did my parents. But we had to accept the cruel however hard to was - first grave.

As if that was not enough pain, months later, found out that I was pregnant, and my fiance of three years saw it right to ditch me at the most worst moment. He didn't know of the seed that was joyously growing inside of me, and I didn't see any need of letting him know. He was bound to marry someone of his pedigree, and I was not even a shadow to match his class. I was cognizant of that fact from day one of our relationship, but the flames of love that were burning us made me believe that it would burn all barriers blocking our way to our happy ending. But it didn't. Time came, and we had to amicably part ways. I understood him, you know. I am not mad at him for not fighting hard for what we had. Maybe that was beyond him, but God? Why did he have to take my poor baby away from me?

Why did our baby had die and leave me so empty and shuttered and hopeless?

For nine good months I carried my baby in my womb. Nine months that were filled with pure euphoric raptures and unfathomable anticipations of how complete my life was about to be. Nine months of anticipation and eagerness. I had even started dreaming big for my sweet child. I could foresee how cute it would be, and how great it would become in the future. The news of my baby felt like divine completion. I couldn't have asked for anything more. But all the doors to my dreams were slammed shut to my face in the most cruel way possible. After minutes of labour that felt like an entirety, all the pains were washed away with the sweet cry of an angel announcing its arrival to the earth, but little did I know, that my baby was saying hello, and goodbye, Mommy.

One cry, and everything went dreary quiet. I can't explain what I felt back then, but it was a feeling that made me blackout, only to wake up to the news that the baby didn't breathe again after that one cry.

The ground beneath me trembled, and everything in me broke into the tiniest pieces. I sunk into depression. Honestly, I don't even know how I pulled through that shit, but all credits go to my sweet parents. They stood with me through it all for those few weeks I was lost. Now, I didn't deserve any of that, right? My baby didn't deserve to die for no reason at all, right?

After managing depression, I thought all was over. That I will not have to go through the pain of losing another soul. At least not in the near future. I was still bleeding heavily, and I believed that the heavens could see that and spare me from another pain. But as the screw that life is, it was then that it dropped another horrific bombshell. My poor mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. All hell came crumbling down on me and my poor parents.

The pain of losing another soul was a threat to my sanity, and the pain of watching my mother wallow in pain weighed down on me. But I had to play the strong gem. The back-and-forth treatment and chemo weren't for the faint-hearted, and I learnt that through the hard way. The desire to help my mother beat the monstrous disease drove me to doing some things that I, myself, am not so proud of. But I had to, because what else was I supposed to do when everyone left me when bills started accruing? Nobody ever wants to be burdened. They say you only know your true friends when you are in a dilemma and need their help badly. Well, I am a living testimony of that because they all disappeared like vapour the moment the news of my mother's illness got to them. All of them, even that one soul that I never expected could do that to us. He left me to care for my mother all alone.

And again, as if I am a seed of pain, or a cursed soul, none of my efforts bore any fruits. Neither my sacrifices nor my prayers were worth anything. Because just a week before today, my mother breathed her last. In front of my eyes. And in my arms. I felt all my nerves die with her. All my hopes and the will to live died with her-last grave.

Everything I had in life is all gone - gone for good. I am nothing but pain. I have nothing to cling to. Nothing to call mine. Even the house that is serving as my roof right now isn't mine anyone. I mortgaged it in the battle to source the medical bills. I have no one. I have nowhere to go. And this pain? I can't bear it anymore.

As I lay flat in this death-screaming pain and darkness, I wish that the heavens could take me to where all these three soles are peacefully resting so that I can have a rest too.

I have had enough.

I need peace.

I crave peace.

I deserve peace!

Peeling my eyes open after realization spanks me that life doesn't want to take me to the paradise where my loved ones are dancing with angels, I am greeted by the morning sun rays filling the room. So, I am in my room? But... I reckon I falling asleep outside. I blink a couple of times, straining to summon the memories of what seems to have transpired after I drowned in darkness and sorrows last night.

Despite wiggling my head and blinking countless times, nothing tickles my mind. However, some sort of magic must have surely bechanced last night because, one, today I didn't wake up with my eyes sore and still drenched with tears. Unlike the past one week, I also did not spend the whole night hiccuping my throat and lungs out. I slept. Peacefully, presumably. And my morning doesn't feel terrible like the rest of the past mornings.

And this warmth?

I snuggle closer. Taking it all in in a deep breath, and savoring it all. I feel so fresh. So raw. So new. I am not in that paradise I was crying to the heavens to take me to last night, but I am inclined to think that the heaven realized how mean and cruel it has been to me and brought a paradise here to me instead. It feels like I am in a peaceful haven. Wow! What did I do to appease the heavens? Anyway, whatever it is, I want to sample more of this magic- this warmth, this peace. It is all I crave for. All I desire.

"Good morning!" A voice strokes the dilcaye skin between my ear and neck, arousing my hairs and all the nerves in me.

This gender? On my bed?

Am I dreaming or am I really in paradise?

I try to flip around and confront my unsettling dream, but to more bewilderment, that is when I realize I am tightly draped around strong male arms. This isn't a dream. There is also no doubt at all that there is a man under the sheets with me. A very familiar sense of fear spews in me. I swallow hard, holding my breath. This is strange!

And this feeling? This touch? Why does it feel so, so... familiar?

"Lynn?" His voice strokes through my ears again.

Lynn!?

Only one person used to call me that. Only one voice had the magic to make me melt like this. Only one voice has ever had the magic to make me feel this way. But before I can delude myself further and allow the feelings that I buried long ago take control, I turn around, and this time around, he lets me. He allows me to turn freely turn in his sweet embrace, and in a flicker, I am face-to-face with my ex, Liam Morgan Adams. In my bed. My heart skips several beats, and I feel the adrenaline rush tickle down my spine, erupting a catastrophe of mixed feelings. Old feelings, but they feel so raw.

I should blink. I should release the breath I am holding. It probably would be wise to peel myself off his embrace and better still, spring out of bed. But I don't do any of that. On the contrary, I find our eyes engaged in a dialogue that only they can understand. His beautiful blue eyes are glistering with sparkles of iciness and bleeding dominance like always. The spark is still there, so fresh like it it never lost its power on me.

I know life enjoys fucking with me. I know fate relishes screwing me over and over again and again. But what is this? Haven't I had enough? Here I thought that perhaps finally fate decided to send a ray of peace and compensation for how it has continuously and mercilessly wrecked my peace for the longest time. But it seems I was being delusional.

Of all the people, him? Of all the times, now? Really, God? In the midst of all this catastrophes, at my lowest and darkest point, in this quagmire of pains you have drawn me into, you still want to complicate my life further? Why? Why despite taking everything from me I am still being reminded of the ones that I can not have? What is this other sort of curveball that life is throwing at me? Is this another pain beckoning?

I should probably nudge him away now that I know this bitter reality. I have no right being in his arms, but seeing him again after almost two years is bringing back a flood of memories that I can not curb despite my wish to. Both the good times and the bad times and everything between what we had are all flooding in like a river. I thought I had all of these emotions buried and forgotten, but I guess I was wrong. His presence emphasizes on the phrase I never paid heed to at all - that no feelings stays buried forever.

Then again, I might be wrong on this too. Everyone in my situation would feel the exact overwhelming nostalgia in such a situation. Everything is driving me into the depths of insanity. And everything about his presence right now is bringing back all the emotions I was keeping to myself this past days in streams of tears. The pain of everything I have not been able to share with anyone.

The next thing I know, his fingers are kissing away my tears, and I lean in, seeking solace in him as I let it all out. It's wrong, I know. But I need to let this out somehow before it kills me.

"It hurts so much, Liam. I am all alone. I want to die." I whimper between sobs.

"Ssshhh! don't say that, Lynn! I am here, right? You are not alone. You will never be alone!" He assures me in a soothing tone that threatens to lure me into its mockery.

But how cliche can that ever sound? He is here? Why is he even here? How did he even get here?

"I have lost everyone and everything. I am such an unfortunate soul. I just want to..."

Before I can force words past the chuck that is blocking them at the throat, his lips unexpectedly finds mine. I flinch, trying to comprehend what he is thinking right now or what is happening. But my mind is so blank, and the sentiments of his suggestive gesture bleeds what I yearn the most right now.

Once again, I am tickled from my sound sleep by the savage rays of the summer sun scorching my face. I coerce my orbs to peel, though unwillingly. If I could, I would choose to bask in this peace forever. I feel reborn. Totally reborn.

My plump lips were curving up, a beautiful smile urging its way out to add more light to this room, but the screeching sound of the door blocks it up at the throat as the reminder of what has brought about all this sudden glee in the last couple of hours saunters in.

My ex.

I jerk up slowly to avoid irritating my muscles further, and curl up under the duvet.

All the memories of what we just did this morning flows in, tickling my head with a rhapsodic bang of all sorts of sentiments. It was a moment of weakness, but it brought about all the old feelings and cravings like we never stopped loving each other. It pulled us off a cliff of the rapture of emotions and tossed us into a heap of unquenchable desires. The spades were so strong, threatening to consume us into ashes if we dared to curb them. We submitted our all. It was a moment of pure euphoric pleasure. We swam to the moon and explored cloud nine. It was surreal. It was magical. It was terrific. A beautiful sweet sin!

That thought alone hangs a very heavy curtain of flown on my face, kicking aside this basket of glee aside, and diving into an ocean of knocking sentiments, and so many questions. I am not really justifying myself, but maybe I can, and say that given my situation, it was alright for me to forget about my morals and dignity for a short moment. It was alright for me to feel all that strong desire; the burning heat of affection in the midst of this quagmire might have lured me to drown it all. It was okay for me to surrender myself like that, especially because I had been in dry land ever since he left, and him showing up at the exact moment of confusion and hopelessness topped it all.

But him? Why did he succumb to that temptation? Why did he let that happen? Why did it feel like he was lost in that sin with me? Why did he ignite that fire to start with? I understand that temptations such as that could be hard to resist sometimes, but he is married for crying out loud! That alone should have knocked his sixth sense!

Gawking intently at him, I browse the layers of his eyes one by one, searching through them, hoping to try and understand why he allowed himself to fall into that clustered rapture of sinful pleasures with me-searching for any tinge of remorse, or regrets about what we have done. I try to read his eyes, like I did back then. He doesn't object my mission, and I dive into his beautiful pools, dancing through their intense sparks that threaten to cage me into them forever.

A decade of pure lull and scrutiny goes down, but I still can't find what I am searching for. Nothing close to regrets. If there is anything I decipher from his glue-some orbs, it's the unfamiliar curtain that has cloaked that magical glitter they always had. And his face... that signature charming smirk he always wore isn't there anymore. I haven't seen it since I woke up to his strange presence this morning, but maybe he is saddened by the state he found me in. But... back then, he had it on despite anything. Does my situation worry him this much, or did something change over the time?

"I made breakfast." He utters, his eyes still holding mine.

I discharge a breath, breaking the stare challenge, or so I thought, because I find myself gazing back into them again.

"I don't recall knowing you as someone who could set foot in the kitchen." I state, and it's the truth.

He urges a slight grin as he speaks, shifting in his posture.

"Well. That was back then. I am different now." He says in a tone that doesn't sound so good to me. And him evading my gaze tops my curiosity.

Of course, he is different. He is married. But shouldn't that be more reason as to why he hates the kitchen? Or maybe I am getting it all wrong.

"What changed?" My sincere intent was to mind my own business, but the curiosity is itching me in a way I can not explain

"A lot. A lot." The last part came out in a whisper, like he didn't mean to repeat himself. Is anything the matter with him? Where did the smile disappear to? Why doesn't he seem happy? Or isn't he? "Let's have breakfast before it gets cold." He speaks before my curiosity can parade itself again.

I should let him be. I am swimming in a tangle of problems myself. I have my own dilemmas to deal with which I have no way of handling at all. I can not be of any help to any burdened soul right now. My own basket of problems is overflowing. And him, he just added more weight to this heavy load. I slept with a married man, and worst of all, I enjoyed it like I had all the legal rights to it. I am still getting a tickle of fresh longings just by the mere thought of him.

Ooh, Liam. What did we do?!

"Here." I didn't know I was lost in thoughts until he waved the bathrobe in front of my eyes as he crouches beside me.

I take the robe, and wait for him to give me some privacy to dress up. But I doubt he is even contemplating looking away. He is ogling me like I am some piece of meat he wants to devour. Well, he did that already, I'm extremely sore down there from that. Was that not enough?

"Liam?" I call, snapping him from his ogling state.

I may be right or wrong. But I feel something odd about him. All is strange, from how he he came here.

"Sorry. Just that, this reminds me of our old times." He says, meeting my eyes.

I swallow hard, my mind playing a recap of our sweet memories together - the joy, the laughter, the burning love, how we understood each other. It was bliss being with him.

But why is he even going there?

Before I could wander further into this curiosity and confusion, he saves me the trouble. He takes my bathrobe, and helps me wrap it around my body. The contact of our skin doesn't only affect me. I saw his Adam's apple move up and down as he swallows hard to that sensation. He even stopped for a second when our skin brushed, but he got hold of his feelings right on time, saving us from committing another sin.

What is happening to us? No. Rephrase that. The best question should be, 'why is this happening?

Again, before I can bang my head with all these disarrays, he comes to my rescue, but this time around, he leaves bewildered as he scoops me up in his arms, carrying me bridal style downstairs. All I can do is hug his neck tight like the old times, clinging to him like I don't want to ever let him go, and savoring his sweet alluring pheromones more than I savor oxygen.

As he sweetly and gently parks me on the seat in the dining area where the aroma of scrambled eggs and rosemary tea is inviting from afar, I can't help but wonder what this re-encounter is all about. Why after so long he has popped like a bumble into my life when I have no one?

"Welcome." He says as he hands me a cup of the aromatic tea.

"Thank you, Liam." I say honestly, because I appreciate him going through the effort to do this. My belly is more enthusiastic than I am since it can't stop rumbling. And I see him smirk every time it makes that annoying noise. "What?" I ask when he smirks again for the ...nth time. I swear he even forgot to eat just to watch me and listen to my rumbling stomach.

And now he produces that charming smirk that always leaves me smiling back at it like an idiot. And it's making my face heat up like before.

"Don't neglect yourself like that again. Please." He says, more of pleading.

"And you should never cloak that smile again." I brat out. Huh? Are we now back to our old selves? Talking about anything and everything? I meet his eyes. "I mean, this is how I know you. The ever-smiling Liam." I add.

'Copy that." He says, sipping his tea while I pour myself another one. I was about to succumb to death from starving. Gosh! "So, how are you?" He adds, and that for a moment takes away the appetite I was developing.

How am I? I am a complete package of problems, mess, and immense pain. I am everything that no one would want to be right now. Alone. Sinking in debts. Lost. Hopeless. My name should no longer be Lynda but Pain. I am all that pain depicts.

"It's been a roller-coaster, to say the least. Life has thrown so many spontaneous curveballs my way." I reply with all sincerity.

"I heard about your loss. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you've been going through." Liam says in an apologetic tone, resting his arms across the table.

"Thank you. It's been a devastating journey, but, I will be fine. I guess." I retort with uncertainty. Actually, it's more of a lie because, heck! How can I get out of all this - the losses? The sorrows? The pains? How will I recoup? And the debts? How on earth will I repay them? I don't even have a job as it is. I resigned from my former job to take care of my mother and looked for part-time jobs. Gosh!

"I want you to know that I've always wanted the best for you, Lynn. Even after we went our separate ways. Hearing about your loss was heartbreaking for me. That's why I couldn't go back without seeing how you are holding up." He says again with sincerity heavily detected in his tone.

"Thank you. I appreciate your concern." I say with honest appreciation.

"So, what do you plan to do now?" He bangs me with a question that I would dodge like a catastrophe if I could.

What am I going to do? Even I don't know that. My mind isn't working at all, so I have no plan. Yes, I know I should have a plan because I have no one to pull me out of this impasse but myself. But I don't. I'm in an absolute quandary.

But if I could choose, I would take a break from all this. Perhaps go far away from this place that has given me nothing but pain, and try to explore new adventures as I heal, that is, if I will ever recover. But I don't have even a single penny on me. I am Totally screwed! Doomef forever. There is no hope even just for my next minute.

"Lynn?" Liam snaps me from my engrossed thoughts, and I realize he is caressing my hands. I don't try snatching them away from him. I need this closure. I need to feel that I am not alone even just for a minute.

"I have no idea. I am in total darkness. I am in a cage, and I have no way out." I murmur.

"Then, let me help you, Lynn."His words echo with a sense of hope and confusion.

"How?" I whimper, my gaze stern on him.

He looks away for a minute, taking in so much oxygen that skyrockets my anxiety. Why does he seem like he is about to drop a bomb? Ooh, well. This is a bomb already. My ex helping me. This is unheard of.

"Look, Lynn. I am fully aware that I don't have any right to ask for anything, especially after what happened between us. I am sorry. Please forgive me. A lot was at stake." He frowns.

I get him, though. I mean, the absurdity of this arranged marriages comes with mind-boggling prices. It's a 'do or get screwed for good' sort of insanity! He couldn't let his family's empire and legacy go down. He had no choice. We had no chance at all. Love had to bow to responsibilities and duties. We had to let each other go.

"You explained yourself well back then, Liam. And from the start, you were so honest with me. You did what you had to. We are good. And at least, you aren't as miserable as I am." I say.

"What if I am? What if I am suffering too?" He asks, boring his bottomless orbs into mine as if pleading with me to see what's hidden in their deep astuteness.

I delve into them easily like before, and I see some dark shades in them that I can not quite decipher. They possess this tinge of vulnerability that sucks out my curiosity and concerns. Why? Isn't he happy?

"Why Liam? Are you..."

"You are not the only one going through shit, Lynn. Mine is a long story, so, can we help each other?" He pleads, soothing me with his thumbs, coercing me not to refuse him.

And when have I ever refused him? Never. Especially not when he seems like he is in dire need of my help. Anything for the only man I have ever loved. Maybe he is my guardian angel in this nightmare. Question is, in my predicaments, how can I help someone when I can not even help myself? And especially him - how can a lonely empty soul like me help him?

"I like your suggestion, but it sounds like sweet mockery to me, Liam. What kind of help can you possibly get from me right now? I am nothing. I have nothing at all." I spit the bitter truth out, and I feel his grip on my arms tighten, sending spark-like tickles all over me.

"You are not nothing, Lynn. Believe me. You are the only one who can help me right now." He affirms, staring deep into my eyes to substantiate his unbelievable point.

"H...o...w?" I whimper, banking all of the notoriety on him.

"I will give you anything you want, and in return, be my SURROGATE!" A loud bang of lull and blankness echoes in my head as I battle to swallow the nothingness suffocating me. Everything stands still, and a screeching lull engulfs the surroundings, his words hanging like cloud in my head. In my endeavors to try and rationalize what I think I heard, which I am presuming was a dysfunction of my ears, he utters again in a murmured plea that is too earsplitting, almost deafening me. "Bore me a child, Lynn, and I swear I will provide you with everything you will ever need, and I will forever be indebted to you my entire life!"

A moment of dreadful screaming silence!

Silence echoes more louder, but his words subdue every other sound. Shock strikes in im a centrifugal force, pulling me into a state of dumbfoundedness. My heart is at a standstill, so is my mouth which hangs agape. I am in utter befuddlement!

"Su-rr- oga- te? A child?" I think out loud as I compel some bravery to curb this paralyzing stupor, as I feel my hands sudor in his strong grip.

"Please? I know it's too much of a favor to ask. I know it's so selfish of me to ask you such a favor. But please, for the love you once had for me, don't say no. My life hangs on this! Everything hangs on this. Please, Lynn!" He pleads again. And I plunge my head, shutting my eyes tight to prevent a tear from falling.

A baby!

A baby?

My mind is swirling with conflicting emotions. The request has stirred up a mixed bag of hope and fear. The throbbing euphoric rapture of becoming a mother again, and the fear of the past wounds. It's a tormenting situation.