Anna's Decision

CHAPTER 1

It is often said that misfortune and heartbreak make you stronger. I wish I could believe that. Having lost a brother might be replaceable as a life lesson, but God decided Ben would pass away at the age of twenty-four. Just six years older than me, my beloved. And damn cancer killed him. Why? I don't know. It was different with Monica, my girlfriend. She never wanted to tell anyone we were dating. But someone had to do it. I told my parents and theirs after a big argument. And, of course, we split up. I can't see the point of falling for a girl when she's not ready for life.

Needless to say, I cried throughout the summer. All those double-checks without an answer, just as if we were machines and our batteries had faded. Tired of love and not willing to lose our stupid self-pride. And only not to recognise that you're hiding your true feelings. All this being the case, I decided to apply for an Erasmus scholarship in Dublin and, although I knew I'd miss my family, I haven't regretted since I did.

The house where I used to serve was near Malahide Castle, and it took fifteen minutes to go from there to university, which was really a waste of time. But I had to seize any job offer, as I was almost penniless. I only came here because I was fleeing from myself. Mr. Radcliffe, the owner, was a chubby man with a peculiar high-pitched voice. As soon as I arrived at his home, he introduced me to his little son Roy, and told me that I had to teach him math and Spanish. I was fairly fluent, as I had practised a lot with my cousin, you know. The child was lovely, and much more was Jack, his handsome brother. He was twenty-two, but it's true that I've always liked boys and girls older than me. Not that I've been with many, apart from Monica and a few more mistakes.

'This is your room,' Jack explained, in the role of the big boy of the house. 'There's central heating, but it is sometimes off'

'Are you working?', I changed the topic.

Jack smiled at me in a few that made my heart-rate increase.

'Yeah, I'm an engineer'

The first day I met him, we were rambling about college, music and films. All under the jealous look of his sister Beth, who saw my as a threatening outsider. While Jack was having a shower, she came to me and blurted out:

'What did you say your name was?'

'Anna'

'Okay, Anna. Look, don't distract my brother, will you? He's a very busy man'

I gazed at her face. She was pretty, but vain and rude.

'But I am not...'

'Well, we've had other guests here, and I know how it goes'

I hate it when people don't let you explain yourself, but I simply shut up because I didn't want more trouble.

I spent the first week signing for different subjects, arranging papers, getting a passport and a monthly transport ticket. Mr. Radcliffe said he was happy with the way I taught Roy. I thanked him and admitted the kid was very intelligent, but again Beth gave me the cold shoulder, as if I was just faking. However, she had to give up to evidence. I was doing a good job!

Once I'd finished setting there, Jack offered to give me a lift for me to see the city. We went to the Viking museum and had a great time there. We spent three hours seeing everything. In Dublinia, you can dress up as a real viking, touch the remains of authentic ships dating from the 7th and 8th centuries and write your name in the Rhunic alphabet.

We had our photos taken together and couldn't stop laughing. We looked so weird in those costumes with horns! 'But don't they say Vikings didn't use to wear horns?', I asked Jack. 'No, probably not. It seems that horned helmets are an addition of Scandinavian artists from the 19th century'. I liked him because he was so cultivated. He would have an answer for every question, no matter the topic.

Another day, after he'd finished work, we went to the amusement park in Drogheda, another county. We rode in water slides and followed routes that imitated the life of pirates!

With all these things I forgot about misery and sorrow, although I was aware that it was only a temporary escape. The following Monday, I started classes at Trinity college. I was so nervous!

In the campus, there were a lot of foreign students, mainly Chinese and Spanish. I couldn't even start a conversation with them, because they seemed to already know each other and ignored me. The good thing was that I chose a subject on Samuel Beckett, a playwright who wrote about the agony of being human. When the teacher told us about his works, it seemed to me as if the author could read my mind, even from death. Then I joined in funky dance lessons and attended a couple of talks by local scientists.

Anything I did was only to fill my time. When we started going through the syllabus, though, I was busier than ever. But I lost my concentration when Beth reached me again, just to shout at me: 'I told you to stay away from my brother!'

Then my depressive thoughts came back. I couldn't help thinking about Monica. "We could have been blissful together,' I said aloud when nobody could hear me. I spoke to myself, cried and laughed for no reason and often had nightmares about my deceased brother. I dreamt about being in class and finding out that the boy sitting next to me was Ben, but when I looked at him, his face was covered in blood and he couldn'even blink an eye. I woke up shouting, which enraged Beth even more.

'Are you crazy? You ought to learn respect! You're only here because my father wants'

I tried to explain things to her, but it didn't work. "If only I'd stayed in London".

Guilt was overwhelming me. I had a big quarrel with Jack, who unexpectedly took the side of Beth.

'Do you always have to tease her?'

'I hate her'

I guess nodoby likes hearing this, even if there's reason for such statement. As a result, our friendship started fading. I looked for relief in theatre and books, of which Jack could tell a bit, despite also having a scientific mind. So when the storm passed, we went to Phoenix Park and spoke about Shakespeare and Colleridge, about poetry and novels. Deer were roaming, and there was a sign warning visitors not to touch them.

'Where did you learn all this? In high school?'

'Nope, you know they only cover a bit of it. It was from my mother.'

I remembered Radcliffe had mentioned being widow, but hadn't received any explanation.

'Oh, I see. What happened to her?'

I could see him sulking, as I'd asked the wrong question.

'Sorry, it isn't my business. How silly I am'

'It's okay, Anna. She died from cancer. But what does it matter if you just want to gossip? You have no idea how it feels'

When saying this, it was apparent that he was seething with rage.

'I have,' I replied in a similar tone.

'Yeah? How?'

'That killed my brother too'

There was a kilometric silence. An uncomfortable one, I'd have presumed, had it not been for the was I felt when I looked him in the eyes. It was like swimming in calm sea, while his wild nature was conveying the opposite.

'I'm sorry,' he finally said.

And then it happened. He caressed my temples, put away a blond strand of my hair and softly kissed my lips. It was magical. After tasting him, I knew I would want more and more. He put my arms around my neck and we devoured each other, ignoring the passerbies, who would feel envy of two young people necking and touching mutually. However, after a few minutes, Monica came to my mind. That stupid invader! She was worse than pirates and vikings, entering a land to conquer them without being allowed. 'I need time. We should only be friends,' I awkardly whispered, rejecting his further advances.

CHAPTER 2

The quarter progressed and, as I'd expected, I was unable to get Jack out of my mind. We would greet each other laconically in the hallway of the house, keeping quiet at lunch. My conversations with both him and Beth were limited to household chores. Don't mix colors in the washing machine, turn off the light when it's daylight, don't let Roy overindulge in chocolate and sweets.

The literature professor sent us a group assignment and we met in the library. Most of the girls had little initiative. They obeyed everything proposed by Erika, an arrogant girl who thought she was always right. She was tall and posh, dressed in leather and at every word she touched her purse, as if it were a magic lamp from which ideas could spring.

'King Lear is hardly interesting.'

'But it's a universal story,' I countered. 'It reflects fratricidal struggles, greed and how they can lead to self-destruction.'

'Wow, I see you're a smart ass. Why don't you organize everything?'

'Come on, stop arguing. Let's go do something,' said Kate, one of the teammates, trying to appease us.

Once we had divided the topics among the members, they all started talking about boys. They mentioned sex in a way that was too ordinary for my taste among strangers.

'Well, haven't you, Anna, had your first time?' asked Diana.

'If she's a prude, don't you see,' mocked Erika.

'I don't like to talk about what I do in bed. Besides, that shouldn't have to be a reason for comparison.'

'I knew it, you don't hook up with anyone. You should come with me and learn a little.'

'Yeah, when was your last time?' Kate prodded.

'When I was with Jack.'

'Jack?'

'Yes, he's the one who lives in Malahide, over by Artane Roundabout, don't you know him?'

'What do you say, that Jack? And what did you do, you slut?' returned Diana.

'Everything. I'm not going to tell you.'

The lump in my throat wouldn't let me speak. Maybe to Jack I was just a trophy. I was burning with desire to ask that idiot for details about her relationship with him, but I didn't even explain that he was my roommate. But what was clear to me was that he needed to tell me everything.

'Okay, girls,' Erika said, clapping her hands. 'Enough chitchat. Kate and Diana, you develop the historical context. Rachel, you with me, we'll do the comedies and the poems. You, Anna, the tragedies, which I can see you're a little freaked out about. You'll do it with the new mate.'

'What new mate?'

'Monica, she'll be here in half an hour.'

"'What a coincidence, she's named after my ex," I thought. When she appeared through the door, I thought someone was pulling my leg. "It's her!" She was wearing an elegant red printed dress and her hair was up in a bun. She looked stunning and irresistible even without wearing lipstick.

I began to feel a tingling in my back and my heart skipped a beat. The librarian scolded some brats who were making noise and I took advantage of a moment of absent-mindedness to signal Monica. She understood instantly.

'Hi, I'm Anna,' I said holding out my hand, which she shook weakly.

'Monica,' she replied indifferently.

The best thing for both of us was to pretend it was the first time we had met. So we disguised ourselves as best we could by talking about the genius of Stratford-upon-Avon, until we were shooed away and the room closed.

Then I lagged behind with her. 'Anna, we're going to miss the bus!" announced Kate, the only one I got along with. I improvised an excuse about some supposed notes I was going to lend Monica, until we were left alone in front of the facade of Trinity College.

The light from the street lamps and the rattle of cars in the rain bore witness to our reunion.

'Did you bring an umbrella?'

'No, did you?'

'No'

'Let's go to the bridge, I want to talk to you.'

We laughed and walked through the puddles as if the water couldn't get us wet. We finally reached Samuel Beckett's bridge and, when the rain stopped, we sat down next to it to look at the horizon.

'Forgive me,' I managed to stammer.

'You're not to blame. I should have been braver,' she acknowledged.

'Shall we go up to my house?'

It was hard to resist, and as hours passed, I had to call Radcliffe and let him know I wasn't coming up for dinner. I told him I was staying at a friend's house without further explanation. He didn't take it badly, so as soon as I hung up the phone, my worries disappeared. I praised herchicken cooking and we drank steaming hot coffee.

As much as she tried to hide it, Monica could tell I was looking at her with desire. So she marched to the bathroom for a drink of water. "She must be uncomfortable," I thought. When she came out, she was wearing only white panties and a lacy bra. I felt a tingling in my legs and couldn't help but move closer to her. As if my body was weightless, I let her undress me and entertained myself by running my tongue over her neck, breasts and nipples. I raised my head and gave myself to her as if we were two teenagers. Then we searched each other with open palms, until she laid me down and, from top to bottom she went down her chin, letting her whole body fall down my belly until she reached my vagina and I reached hers.

She moaned in a way that sent a shiver down my spine and then I kept circling her labia majora and minora, like the folds of a beautiful flower, until I reached her clitoris.

The gasps she intoned as I rested my face against her thigh made me aroused, and then I remembered Jack again and how some other night I had fantasized about him. I noticed how she finished, drenched in sweat, without me being able to reach orgasm.

'Didn't you like it?'

'Yes, of course I did. It's just that...'

'I see, it takes a while after all this time, doesn't it?'

'Yes, that's right. Besides, I'm a little tired today.'

'Stay here and sleep.'

'No, it's okay. I'll call a cab'

I looked for the station phone and the taxi soon came. It had stopped raining. That night I didn't think about anything. My body seemed to be anesthetized, as if a bunch of scorpions were holding my organs immobile.

CHAPTER 3

My joy soon ended when I returned home. 'But why are you coming so late?,' Beth chided me. Then I remembered how Erika had mentioned her the day before. "'If it's just that they're two silly girls, it's normal for them to be such good friends.'I tried not to answer back. That would have made things worse. Now no one could know what had happened with Monica, but I was also afraid that they would find out about Jack.

'Has the cat got your tongue?'

'I'm a little fed up with you, Beth.'

'What? Who do you think you are, you little girl?'

I thought she was going to hit me, but before she did, I apologized in a stammer.

In the afternoon I had to do my homework with Roy and I couldn't get around to it. He wouldn't correct his mistakes, and when he got distracted with toys or wasted time asking me about my previous city, I didn't know how to assert myself. My mind was still on the night before, lost in Monica's sheets. The time of pleasure did not compensate for the guilt. Like someone who takes drugs to forget the problems that immediately bounce back like a boomerang. And if I thought we could be a couple again, I was wrong. If we didn't row together, there was no point in getting on the boat.

My ramblings stopped when Beth came back into the room.

'Fuck, Anna. You get mad? What did we hire you for?'

'Don't talk like that in front of Roy'

'So now you're going to teach me manners when you couldn't even teach a kid to add up.'

'I already know how to add and multiply, sister'.

'That's why, as smart as you are and this... Anyway, I'd better not go on.'

'You're very unfair to me, Beth. I never treated you badly. I'll have no choice but to talk to your father.'

'Ah, so now you're a snitch, eh? Well, I'm warning you, I'm going to beat you up if you go on like that.'

'Are you threatening me,' I said in a tone that could not be violent. It just didn't come out.

'You're making me do it, Anna.'

'I wish we could be friends, but it's impossible.'

'Yes, I wish, if you weren't so stubborn.'

For the first time I sensed some humanity in her, but I couldn't let my guard down. I got the impression that she was only acting that way so as not to scare Roy off any more, even though he was very mature for his age.

We were watching a comedy when the key turned in the door. Radcliffe. Time for a truce. "You can't let them treat you like this, you can't let them treat you like this." I avoided mentioning the incident. It was better that I talk to Jack first, with whom the friendship continued as if we had never tried anything else. Our interactions, however, were shorter. We didn't want to make it worse until Beth forced me to leave. It wasn't the first time, Jack confessed to me, that a tenant had made any pretext to move out. Suspiciously they would go to much more overcrowded hostels or guesthouses, claiming proximity to the new job. 'Don't hold it against them,' Jack asked me one day. 'She's reacting like this because she's hurt about mom. She wasn't like that before. Then I understood. Behind every unbearable person there may be a congenital tendency or a major trauma. If I paid for it by sleeping with my ex when I swore I would never do it again, there were others who fell into depression or became unbearable. They would deploy an armor to keep anyone from entering their hearts. 'If only we all did something to understand each other,' I lamented.

The semester progressed and my grades were acceptable. I couldn't wait to leave for London, as my parents might be looking forward to it.

Mr. Radcliffe seemed to detect the bad atmosphere and, rather than create an open confrontation, something he had to deduce only from Jack's statement that "Beth was acting very strange", he took them both to Cork and left me with Jack for the weekend.

Then we talked about books, shooting stars, death and the secrets of the universe. He was the one I really felt comfortable with, but I didn't want to make him suffer. So I plucked up my courage and told him about Monica.

I thought he would be surprised that I had dated a girl in the past and angry that I hadn't told him, but instead he grimaced sadly.

'I already knew. You were together.'

'What? You knew each other already?'

He hesitated before answering, as if the answer weighed a ton.

'Do I know her? Too much, I'd say'

'Don't tell me you dated too. I didn't know she liked boys too'.

'No, no. Listen, Anna. Monica is my stepsister'

'What?'

'As you can hear. She's my father's daughter and a woman he was with. The woman said she was going to have an abortion and we believed it, until we found out she'd tricked us.'

'How did you find out?'

'Easy, his new wife's brother was aware of it and showed up at the house. He told us the whole truth. He said that his sister was a despicable being'.

'And what happened then?'

'Well, my father reported her and got joint custody, when the girl was twelve years old. That's why Beth doesn't accept strangers. She harbors anger towards this sister she's barely known'.

'But when the judges ruled in her favor, did you see her?'

'Very few times, because she didn't want to meet us. Her father and we biological siblings are of no value to her. I would like to think that it is not because her mother has maligned against us, but I don't know what to believe Anna'.

She began to cry like I had never seen it before. Her tears were beautiful. Then I comforted him by wiping them away. He misunderstood the situation and kissed me on the lips.

'No, Jack, don't do that.'

'What do you mean, you prefer her, don't you?'

'I didn't say that. It's just that...'

'What, I'm a wild card to you?'

'I need time to sort out my feelings, Jack! It's all so sudden. And I was coming from a breakup, I've lost a brother, I've changed cities, and it's all so confusing....

'Okay, I understand. But you have to be determined and brave. Otherwise, you may end up dragging people down in your wake.'

How right he was. I had no right to use others for my emotional experiments. "You only live once." I thought about what it might be like if I got naked for him to possess me and penetrate me. But that wouldn't fix our problems either.

We spent the rest of the weekend holding back our desires, like two old acquaintances burying the hatchet. "Sometimes the choices we make go totally against who we are, and on our mind's screen we create alternate endings."

That must be it. A matter of pure statistics. For every happy couple there are others who want to be and don't make it, others who live their impostured attitude as if they were mere extras in a film and, finally, many others that don't mind about love. "Who am I supposed to be?"