After Him

"Vy, can you give us a minute?" my boyfriend asked me.

"Do I really have to leave you two here?" I asked almost whispering.

I do. But to your feelings about me, I don't know.

"Ah right. Of course I trust you," I faked a laugh as step back and leave them two alone.

I smiled bitterly when I go out. Why in hell did I go with him, knowing she's here? I almost forgot that in those four years we've been together, he never really loved me. He was just doing what his father want for him.

I'm so stupid to believe that I could replace her part on him. So stupid to fall for him.

I don't know why I still fell in love with him knowing that he was just being nice and caring towards me for his fathers' sake. I am still in love with him even though he loves someone else.

I went to the receiving area of the recording studio that is owned by Samantha Nicolas, the woman he loves. Everything feels unreal, it was as if I am invisible and no one cares about me. No one really does.

Nothing new, knowing everyone here was admiring Xavier and Samantha together. And me, I am the antagonist of their story.

I decided to leave the company. But before I could find a taxi, I saw the person I refuse to talk to in here. The only person I don't want to talk with even though he's being nice to me. I don't know why, but my body felt shiver when his eyes met mine.

"Veronica!" I almost roll my eyes when he shouted my name. But still managed to fake a smile on him.

"Hi," I said a bit awkward.

"You're leaving already? Where's Xavier?" he was smiling beautifully at me. He was so tall that I needed to look up to him so we could see each other better.

"He's still up. He needs to talk to Samantha about important things so I leave them two. I am going home now because I still need to do something," I lied about the reason why I need to leave.

I didn't know why we talked to each other so sudden. I knew he was Lucas, I kind of heard his name. Well the truth is, this wasn't the first time I saw him. I already know him, but not personally. I just know something like he was Samantha's driver and they're close. That's why I always acted like I knew him for the first time.

"I can bring you home, if you don't mind?" he was still smiling as he offers me a ride. He was like in a commercial with his beautiful smile.

I refused his offer immediately. As much as possible I don't want to have a long conversation with him.

I don't know why but it doesn't seem right, "No, thank you. I'm fine with a taxi. Samantha might be needing you anytime, I don't want any trouble," I laugh a bit to make it sound like I wasn't trying to avoid him.

"Are you sure? Samantha wouldn't mind that for sure," he said calmly but I still refuse his offer.

"I'm fine don't worry. I'm going now. Thanks for your offer anyways," I said and bid my goodbye to him as I got in the taxi.

I saw him waving at me when I looked at the side mirror of the taxi.

Lucas is nice and kind, always. Even when I first saw him, he's nice and very approachable. He always talks to me and sometimes he spends his time with me while waiting outside the recording room.

When I got home, I dialed my friend's number. I feel like I needed to talk about what I am feeling to lessen the burden.

The past weeks, Xavier's being cold in me. Before he always keep up with me, he's nice and caring.

Maybe it was for his father who had a heart disease but lately he's being short tempered and moody. We also shared a lot of fights the past days because of his mood.

I don't want to think that this is happening now because Samantha came back but I couldn't help myself. Since she came back from Australia, Xavier changed.

I am not dumb too, I may be stupid for loving him while he's in love with someone else but that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel that he still wants her. Besides we're together now because this is what his father want for him.

I sighed when I heard my best friend's knock. I opened the door for her and she greeted me with a long tight hug.

"What do you think you are doing to yourself Veronica? I've been telling you for years, break up with him but you never listened. What is it in him that you love him this much?" she said angrily when she sat on the couch.

She's my best friend, Gail.

I sat beside her and leaned my head on her shoulder, "It's been years," I whispered. I heard her repeat what I said in an angry way that made me smile bitterly. She's the only person I could talk about anything, she's the only person that I have.

"Maybe I'm really out of my mind, Gail. I know he doesn't love me but I still love him anyways," I said very emotional.

"Witch, you are not just out of your mind. You're stupid martyr. I really hate your decisions Veronica Marchella," she said very mad as she shrug her shoulders.

I laugh a bit that made her look at me even mad. I sighed before looking at her again, smiling sadly.

"4 years. Four long years that I've been pushing myself to him. I don't have any advantage when his ex is not around, what now? She's away for four long years but he still loves her. Now that she's back, where am I supposed to be?" I laughed that burst into tears, "That long years and Xavier didn't learn to love me back even a bit."

My tears continued to flow at the side of my cheeks then I felt Gail's hug. Her long warm hug, the only person who managed to love me. The only person that I have.

Four years ago, I met Xavier when I am trying to apply for a part time job on a restaurant that happened to be their family business. I was on 2nd year college that time and I needed extra money to continue taking up my degree.

I am living on my own and working to provide for my needs because I don't have family to provide for me. I left the orphanage I grew in to continue studying.

I was 10 years when my biological parents decided to give me on a family that they barely know. Even though I was crying so bad, pleading for them to not leave me there, they still did. My foster parents are nice and kind, they loved me and cared for me like their own but then, their own daughter had a very critical disease. They have to save money and they couldn't take care of me anymore so they decided to bring me on an orphanage.

I stayed there and found new family in the shelter. I get a chance to study and learn to do household chores and different ways to earn money. When I finished my high school, I decided to apply for a scholarship in the University that I wanted to go to and luckily, I passed. But it wasn't enough to have a free tuition, I still needed to earn money for my projects and needs. And since I am still staying in orphanage, I decided to find a job to earn and save money.

I've become a vendor, opened and accepted commissions for assignments, projects and other school works. Until I got into my second year in college, it become harder than it is when I was freshmen. There's a lot of fees that I need to pay for my activities and laboratory expenses. That's when I got hired in a known restaurant that is owned by Xavier's family.

I don't know if it's a coincidence or a piece of my luck because when I applied for that job, it happened that they are needing one waitress. When I started to work there, it became easier for me. I've enough money for my needs and projects. That time, I never thought Xavier would be this especial for me. He's no one to me before, we just started to get along when her father asked me to tutor him on the subjects that he's not good at. Of course, I accepted the offer to earn more money and save it for other important things.

He's nice and always smiles that why it is not hard to get along with him easily. He's also gentleman and sweet that's why in my one year of being his tutor and friend, I knew my feelings for him developed.

But I am so stupid to think that his actions and act towards me means something. I thought we feel the same way that I got really shocked when he introduced his girlfriend to his father on their restaurant where I am working.

It was like the reality slapped me when I saw his eyes almost sparkle as she look at her girlfriend. He even smiled at me, looking very proud to introduce Samantha. I smiled back at him acting very much happy for him even though I feel like my heart is breaking and it hurt so badly. I am very hurt and embarrassed at the same time.

Stupid me to think, he would like someone like me. I am just a waitress and her tutor.

I am the only one who feel something towards him. He doesn't feel the same way to me, never.

Their visit became often, hanging out and just spending their hours together while laughing and being sweet towards each other. It was like they have their own world that no one else exists while I was away looking at them feeling envious and regretful.

I thought he likes me too.

Until they talked to me telling me I won't be his tutor anymore. They decided that Samantha would help him with his subjects that his father didn't approved though they still do it. Even before, his father doesn't like Samantha for him. He even talked to me once and confronted be that he thought Xavier and me had a relationship. Of course I acted like it was a funny statement even though in my inside I was hoping we had. And then I realize again how embarrassing it was to think that he likes me back. When he is Xavier, the son of my boss.

Their relationship has been in struggle when Xavier failed to pass his Calculus subject that Samantha taught him. His father got very dismayed about the result that made him dislike Xavier's relationship with Samantha even more.

It also caused Xavier and his father to fight more often, until his father got an heart attack and discovered he have a very critical condition and he shouldn't be stressed and be mad.

I don't know if I would be happy or sad to know that his father is recovering, but I know in myself that I want what his father wanted to. I wanted us together.

After he recovered he asked Xavier to broke up with Samantha and court me instead. At first, Xavier didn't agree but when he saw his father almost got another attack he immediately broke up with Samantha and court me.

I admit, I am very selfish that time. Because even though I can refuse, I didn't. I let him court me even though it was just for the sake of his father because the truth is, I want him. I like him so much I pretended not to care that he loves someone else. I was blinded and I chose to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with it.

I didn't notice that I was falling deeper to him that when I got the chance to own him, I choose to be selfish. I didn't think of his feelings.

"I wish I wasn't selfish. If only I controlled myself I wouldn't be feeling this way," I said after crying as I remember those memories.

"I just wish I could turn back the time and then I'll choose to not know him at all. So I wouldn't be hurt like this now. So I didn't hurt them before," my tears started to flow at the sides of my check again as I felt the pain digging in my chest.

I don't know if this is how it feels to love I just wish, I wouldn't be this hurt. I wish it wouldn't be this painful that it feels like I don't deserve to be loved. I feel like I wasn't lovable enough to feel the butterflies and the paradise.

I tried to calm myself again. Then I turned to my best friend, Gail and smile at her even though I look like a shit.

"Can you just please, please break up with your stupid asshole boyfriend. Don't wait for me to go to him and slit his throat," she said angrily again.

I just laugh at her reaction, she's always like that when it comes to Xavier. He's never been calm when it comes to him.

"You sound like you have a long legged person sweetie," I joked that made her pull my hair a bit.

"Your mouth really is a bit harsh. You want me to slit your throat instead Veronica Marchella. After your dramatic moment you'll be bad at me?" her voice can be heard all over my apartment.

"Yeah, and you shout like you were in Malacañang Gail Penelope," I joked again that made us laugh together.

At least I have her, and I can still manage to laugh after the heartaches right?

I just can't drop everything easily. Not now.

I sighed. Please, let me know what to do.

The next day was totally okay not until Xavier's father came to my apartment wanting to talk to me.

I owe him so much since he helped me graduate. He helped me the moment he gave me work and trusted me with it. That is why, now that he got a problem it saddens me. It hurt me seeing him sad and problematic.

They are very kind, with the years that I spent with them I knew that. They never made me feel like I am just their employee and they are my boss. They considered me as part of their small family.

"Good afternoon Tito, what made you visit? Come in, have a seat. I'll get you something to eat," I said as I welcome them. It was a sudden visit, I didn't prepare anything for him.

"I apologize for the sudden visit," he said as he sat on the couch, "I was in a hurry going here I forgot to ask my secretary to tell you," he looked and sound worried.

I go to the dinning are where the kitchen is, it was just near the receiving area of the apartment so I could still hear him talk as I prepare food for him.

After preparing the food I offered it to Tito Felipe, Xavier's father.

"Is there a problem Tito? Why are you in a rush? You should just tell me to come over so you wouldn't be tired going here," I told him, worried about his condition.

He the smiled and shrugged, "I'm perfectly fine Veronica, you guys are just too worried about me. Anyway, I came here to ask how are you two?" he said as he sipped on the tea I prepared for him. He tried to hide his worries but he still sounded like it. I know what he meant by this, maybe he knew that she's back.

I didn't say anything and refused to look at him too. Suddenly, I felt so little because of the truth.

I am in the position that is not supposed to be mine.

"Dear, you are my son's girlfriend. You have the right to question his wrong. It doesn't mean that she came back, she has the right to meddle with your relationship with my son. You two were happy when she's not around," his voice sounded irritated.

"It's not necessary Tito. I don't want to ask him," I almost whispered.

"What do you mean it is not necessary? Maybe my son is confused, don't let that woman take advantage of that. My son loves you, you just have to help him realize that," he was convincing me to believe that.

I faked a smile. I don't want to go against him since his condition is not yet safe. It might cause him bad if he is stressed.

"Alright Tito. I will do that," I said even though I know even if I tried to do it, nothing will change.

Xavier didn't love me. He never did, he never learned to.

Because even though, he was with me for years and he didn't meant to make me feel that I know he still longs for her.

The one he's looking for when he falls asleep, the one he wants to be with through everything. The one he could wait no matter how long it will take.

That is why I know it is impossible for him to realize that he loves me because he never really saw me. He never laid his attention on me, no matter how hard he tries and convince himself. He couldn't take Samantha away from him.

It is always Samantha and never Veronica.

"When I met Cora, Xavier's mother. I was with someone else. My first love, Cora's existence doesn't matter at all until we get a chance to know each other. My first love left for her dreams and we promised to hold on to our relationship but Xavier's mother is not hard to love. And even when I love my girlfriend, I still fell in love with his mother. At first I was confused, especially when my girlfriend cam back. I thought she's still the best for me, she's the one for me but Cora made me realized that I am more than in love with her. She's my greatest love," he talks with so much amusement. Until now he speaks about his wife as if he's still falling for her until now.

I admire them for feeling the same way and it made me sad knowing it could never happen to us.

"Think of that with the same situation as yours and my son, Veronica. I really like you for my son. And I know he's in love with you. He just couldn't let go of the things he have with Samantha," Tito Felipe said and then bid his goodbye to me.

We stayed talking for almost an hour and even though I haven't done anything I feel so tired. I feel like I am fully consumed.

"Take care Tito. Thank you for the visit. I am so sorry for making you worry, Tito. I will try to fix things so you don't have to worry," I said as I accompanied him to the door.

"Don't think of that. You take care too, okay? Don't worry, I'll talk to my son. He's being hard headed again so he needs to be knocked out for a bit," he joked before he waved for his leaving.

I go back to the couch and put myself there.

He learned to love Tita Cora because Tita is not hard to love. But me, I am hard to love. There's no reason to love me. I am not like other people, I am never going to be like Samantha.

I sighed and decided to prepare for my dinner. After doing the chores and after eating my dinner I get ready for bed. I needed to get enough rest, I still have work tomorrow.

10:00 o'clock and he hasn't give me any message yet.

Maybe he was so busy recording. That opportunity is a big start for their band and prioritizing me is not worth it. I know, it is too much to ask for his little time to text me.

That's fine Veronica. It's his dream, don't be selfish.

I sighed and let myself drown with darkness not minding the pain that is running through my system.