A VIVID FANTASY OF CHANGE AND DEVASTATION

"In short, they gave us anabolics and we were subjected to gene therapy. We were able to get much more exercise than we ever had before. We passed any type of test. It was amazing! It´s not very healthy according to internet conspiracy theorists, but they paid us triple to participate in the program."

The soldier stood guard at night. He had gotten used to seeing me every two or three days when insomnia kept me awake and, my patience running out, I left the capsule for the gym.

Contrary to what I had believed, the surveillance I was subjected to was not so rigid. I mean, the cameras were always watching; but the good doctor had to sleep, and he had left clear instructions to the staff: unless I caused trouble, or spent more than three hours out loitering around, I was not to be disturbed. I could walk the halls, go to the dining room, the showers, read or exercise.

The doctors suggested that I sit down to meditate when I was starting to get bored, but my constant wanderings inside my fantasies were meditation enough.

The third time I saw the uniformed I decided to greet him with a wave of the hand, and he did the same. A couple of days later we started talking, and thanks to him I found out some things the good doctor had forgotten to mention.

"And why did you leave the program? Any side effect? Did you start to feel bad?" I asked while exercising my pecs.

"To feel bad? Of course not. I felt... strong, fast... tireless. Like... like a machine," he mumbled distractedly with his eyes fixed on my chest.

"Then..."

"They abandoned the program three years ago, when they built that machine... just like the one where they keep you, and they started putting people there. They didn´t need us anymore, I guess."

"I thought so..."

"What are you talking about?"

"The eternal search for the superman."

"You imagine? Stronger, tougher soldiers... We felt like... Yes. Superman. The enemy gets tired, but you can go on and on until you finish him off."

"And who was your enemy?"

"Well I don´t know now. I never saw the battlefield. We could have beaten anyone..."

"So... you were lucky."

"Lucky?"

"You didn´t have to kill."

"Yes. That´s true. Although I´ll never know..."

His voice sounded melancholy.

"What you could have done."

He nodded with a slight smile.

"Would you have wanted to fight?"

The sparkle in his eyes said it all.

"Don´t worry," I continued. "You´ll have the opportunity."

I never pretended to be clairvoyant, but I could see it in the near future: his face alert, tense and sweaty, aiming everywhere with his almost empty gun, stuck in the midst of chaos in a fallen city where the few lucky survivors killed each other for anything remotely resembling food.

There in the safety of the base, he had no idea how hard he would have to fight.

"What are you talking about? Three years have passed. I am practically a veteran. Well... I would be if I had fought. But now there are better soldiers... better than me. Younger and stronger, and from what rumors say... they are extremely difficult to kill. Casualties will be greatly reduced in the next war. Why would they need me?"

"Better?" I asked, leaving the machine motionless and staring at him.

"Sure. No anabolics or anything like that."

"DNA recombination, like you?"

"Like me? No. I am the test model. Now they have a totally new model, and they also upgrade them on that thing, you know... that capsule."

Then I remembered what the nurse told me, and I assumed that if that soldier was talking about broken promises, that woman was referring to projects and experiments that had turned out much worse than planned. Or maybe she only saw the first proofs, and he saw the final product.

I took two small dumbbells and with one in each hand I started jogging on the treadmill. I found that jogging helped me focus and put my thoughts in order.

"And that is faster than what they did with you?"

"Quite faster. And more efficient. Many have been in and out of that machine. It´s like magic."

Three years. Three years testing that technology and perfecting soldiers. Who knows how many they had created... Who knows what they could do with such an army... An unstoppable army. The prospects were pretty dark.

I have done little or nothing throughout my life, and for sure I did some bad things like doing improper searches on the internet; but now I was with people who were responsible for true humanitarian and environmental catastrophes, in addition to numerous wars that have left millions of dead around the world. And I´m not referring to the military when I say this.

If you don´t understand, let me tell you that armies only invade, rape, torture and kill. But it was scientists who created the atomic bomb. Each scientific advance placed at the service of the armed forces, in addition to the occasional ambitious businessman; and all the powerful men in the world competing to see who is the strongest.

When I returned to the capsule room the matter was still on my mind. I remember thinking, "I´ve only been here a few months, and even the highest-ranking military man on the ground is afraid of what I might do if I got mad. In three years... What could they have achieved?"

I came into this world not knowing what to do with it. In fact, I didn´t know until I reached adulthood. Well... I thought I knew. Most people think they know what they are coming into the world to do, but they don´t even know where they stand. And now that I know, everything is destroyed. Well... actually, not everything. Only the world they knew was destroyed. That we all knew.

I am responsible for what many dramatically call The Apocalypse. How exaggerated! Life on earth has suffered through numbers of mass extinctions. The only thing I did was stop the power of man, of humanity. A change of rules or, if you prefer, the end of the rules.

If you wanna name it some way, you can call it The Fall Of Civilization. I know it seems like the end of the world, but it´s not that bad. The world was already going to hell on its own, and people didn´t know about it. I only put a stop to all that, and forced them to face the horror that we have caused.

You can hate me if you want. Sit in front of the television and pretend nothing happens, but that won´t do anymore. Your TV will no longer turn on or entertain you. Nothing will divert attention from the collapse. Say goodbye to comfort and "the bliss of ignorance."

They all run scared, but their fears are irrational. They think it´s the end of everything. The end of the ages. Actually, it´s the beginning.

"Why are you so calm? Haven´t you heard what´s going on outside?" The nervous man in front of me whispers, wanting to shout.

My calm despairs him. It´s funny coming from a trained and improved soldier who, he told me, wanted to fight. There is a lot of danger out there. I told him he´d get his chance.

Lounging on a dusty bed while others are dying for a few crumbs or a drink of water, I smile at the thought that a little mess is okay sometimes.

OK. Maybe it was too much. Maybe I overreacted. The situation got completely out of control. But things could be much worse if I had regretted it. The consequence would have been war. I haven´t seen those super soldiers in person yet, and I really hope they haven´t made it. Or at least that they couldn´t get as far as I did.

Don´t get me wrong: I´m not afraid of them, but I like things the way they are. Although others see this as a disaster, I experience it as peace. A peace made of rubble, dark forests everywhere, wild animals repopulating each region and strange creatures of nightmarish shapes that previously only inhabited imagination.

In the world before the change everything was predictable; and that´s why a few had so much power and the rest was screwed. What the world has least now is predictability. No one knows what will happen the next day, or what they will become. Become? Yes, that´s what I said. I know how it sounds, but I guess everyone will have a chance if they really want to change. If I did... Right?

I like to think that the magic that we used to hear about in stories and movies has returned. Although I understand that most people don´t like it.

As I said, for me this is true peace. And I think this peace will end if I have to face them. Maybe I´m being selfish.

Do you want to know what the world would be like with that army at the helm? If they emerged, there would be a very bloody war. A terrible image had appeared to me for a second: an endless line of humanoid creatures dressed in uniforms advanced on any form of life that was still standing, the machines devoured large tracts of land in different parts of the world leaving only a trace of death and devastation. Explosions, fires, screams of terror and crying mixed with clear sounds of gunshots. I could hear buildings collapsing as I ran through the rubble that threatened to crush me only for them to continue attacking. A senseless madness that at all costs I preferred to avoid. I still feel on my neck the look of those tireless guys who chased me at full speed. Four armies of those bastards?! And I'm supposed to just watch those guys take over the world? They must have assumed that I would do something. Perhaps they knew.

War, destruction and slavery; though not necessarily in that order. I really hope I have avoided it, but that depends on those four armies. Will they have survived? I hope not, but I guess we´ll see.

Anyway, remembering the supposedly better times, I prefer this hell.

I remember that one day the news announced a series of catastrophic events that happened throughout the planet. Natural disasters, supposedly. None of that was so natural since the wrong people put their hands in the right places. But what was truly alarming about these disasters was their coincidence with the activation of a certain antenna that was in the laboratory, and a series of strange sightings occurred as the days went by:

During a dive to some submerged ruins in the Sea of Japan, two divers spotted what appeared to be a woman swimming without any diving equipment and at a great depth. One of them even insisted on pointing out that she wasn´t wearing clothes either.

Near an active volcano in Hawaii, while a team of geologists filmed the magma that erupted, a mysterious human figure walked briefly above the lava. When the images hit the internet, many called it something paranormal, or an "error in the matrix".

An entire team of tornado chasers caught sight of what appeared to be a human silhouette standing in the path of the storm. They yelled at her to move, but the sound of the wind was so loud she would never hear them. They couldn´t believe their eyes when the figure opened its arms as if receiving the tornado just before being swallowed by it.

In the middle of the snow, while stopping under a ledge to catch their breath, two experienced climbers not given to superstition were startled to see the "banshee" of a young woman who raised her arms to the sky and uttered incomprehensible words. They looked at each other, confused; and when they looked again, that strange apparition suddenly screamed and an avalanche was unleashed from which they were only saved by a small hole that served as shelter in the rocks of the ledge.

Those and other times different people thought they saw the mysterious lady who walked naked through impossible places. Some believed it was an angel, while other people thought it was a demon, a ghost, an alien and things like that. But I made so many trips to "Wonderland" without thinking about time or space that at some point someone managed to videotape me.

I know, I know: I was clumsy; but keep in mind that at the time I had no idea my actions in that dreamed dimension would have consequences in our world, and it would turn into my world. To my surprise, a video leaked onto the internet led many people to think it was a sign of the end of times. Well, there is really nothing I could say to them. I can´t say they are wrong, but I think they overreacted.

The technicians I use to see in the dining room, and from whom I used to find out what was happening outside those walls, made fun of the fanciful titles of those tabloid newspapers. I would have liked to reveal to them who was responsible for those sightings; that way they would know what we were doing had scope far beyond what anyone would think. But it probably would have been a red flag for the base chief. Also, teaching them the actual power of that technology? What do you think would they use it for? To improve the quality of life of the world´s suffering poor people? To end hunger? Repair the damage humanity has done to nature? Or would they use it to upgrade their military and to help their business friends make more money? Humanity has never been allowed to advance at the rate it truly could, and I don´t think it would´ve now.

Everything was beauty, but a force was taking me beyond the mountains, crossing several rivers and the most exotic regions that I could imagine; until a gigantic black and grayish stain appeared on the horizon. The ashes spread for thousands of kilometers. I almost went mad at the sight. The heat around me increased again, and I fell to my knees with a mixture of pain and sadness. None of it was supposed to be real, but it was like I lost my whole family. Also, the pain was real, and I felt like someone was ripping shreds of skin from all over my body. Soon the light dimmed and I was surrounded by darkness and death. My skin was stained as I crawled on the ground, and as I stood in the moonlight, bathed in mud and ash amidst that decay, I seemed like a spirit wandering through a region inhabited only by pain.

My feet dragged until they reached the course of a river that now carried dark substances and remains of vegetation. I dropped into the water completely exhausted. It was the first time that something similar had happened to me in such daydreams. Without meaning to, I fell asleep. When I woke up, instead of being inside the capsule, I was still there, floating in the water of my supposed imagination; and I had a hard time opening my real eyes and seeing the lab staff. My skin was still stained, and they had to change the liquid in the capsule. The men looked at me silently, as if they knew something I didn´t.

While the capsule was being cleaned, the doctor and I went through our daily routine of chatting while I worked out and took a shower, and then continued in the dining room. I sighed long with my eyes closed, while he thoughtfully chewed.

"Are you stomach sick?"

"No. Just tired."

"Well... I´ll give you something to make sure."

"Make sure of what?"

"You know... that you don´t have... another accident. At least, inside the capsule."

"What accident?"

"Well... in case you didn´t notice... there were leaks. Come on! You saw it. Your skin, the liquid... contaminated... everywhere..."

"Oh, that. No. That wasn´t... You think that was shit?"

Giggles could be heard from two tables away, where two of the technicians were chatting. I looked at them without much interest, although my curiosity would increase considerably when I saw the newspaper they had on the table. But I´ll leave this for later.

As usually happens in many Hollywood productions, it all started with an accident; but not a lab accident. A stupid traffic accident. An idiot was driving and checking his cell phone while another idiot crossed the street without looking. Just two guys that luck decided to make them meet. Something so trivial and uninteresting that no one would´ve imagined the consequences.

That´s right: I was a man. But don´t misunderstand me. It´s not what it seems.

As for the driver you´d imagine he would hit the gas and run away. But he didn´t. Not that he was a very responsible person, but he didn´t want to get into legal trouble. And this is because, in his work area, you can´t have legal problems.

As for me, fortunately I couldn´t feel the body below my neck. In my last moments of awareness, I thought how nice the breeze was... cooling my face and ruffling my hair... My eyes closed after seeing a blurry guy getting out of the car and clutch his head. It was quite some time before I woke up again, or so I thought. In the midst of fantastic images of what I later understood to be a dream, I was flying between clouds and stormy winds; and I had the nice feeling that I was finally in the right place. Then I began to feel something that was stuck in my face. My naked body and my feminine parts felt the touch of the wind and the patter of the raindrops, and my whole being shook with the lightning that ran around me.

I know dreaming of being a girl is cliche, but I guess dreams can´t be controlled.

Then I felt a hand pass over my forehead, and I opened my eyes to find myself in a metal bed in what looked like a hospital. The nurse was startled to see me waking up so suddenly, and immediately went to the hall to call the doctor. Or at least I thought so. Something was holding my head and neck in one position, and I figured it was a neck brace. The funny thing is that I didn´t care.

To tell you the truth, I guess I was disappointed of still being alive. Sometimes I dreamed of a zombie apocalypse.

That damn body... I would´ve preferred to stay in that dream. That weak and flawed body finally played one last trick on me: making me a paraplegic.

Not that as a child I was a very sick creature, particularly weak or anything like that. But since my adolescence that physical form called "male", the curse with which I was born, has caused me a tremendous repulsion. It was actually kind of funny now that I think about it. Although I didn´t think so at the time.

We´ve all seen those movies where, by some magical device or wish made on a shooting star, two people switch bodies and must learn to understand each other. Well, it was not a spell, nor did I ask the stars; although I suspect that the cosmos has helped me more than necessary.

Instead of a doctor in a lab coat, who entered the room was a tall guy with glasses who looked like an office worker; and I immediately realized it was the same driver. The guy looked at me like a kid who just broke something and is afraid of a reprimand. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. The respirator was starting to annoy me, and I was just waking up. As I settled into the rhythm of that thing, I opened my eyes and tried to tell the time by the dim light coming through the window. I figured it was early morning.

I found it funny that the first person to care to see me was the one who almost killed me, and not someone in my family. The guy approached a little timidly, almost as if asking permission. That bothered me greatly. Not the fact that he came closer, but the fact that I couldn´t get to my feet. I always hated when some guy stood up next to me while I was sitting down. Imagine bedridden.

There was a chair, so I expected him to sit down; but he seemed to want to speak standing up. He also gave the impression of asking permission to speak.

"Well, I want... I..."

"Sit down," I interrupted. "I assume I am in a hospital."

"In a clinic... or something like that. A private institution with access to great medical resources."

Then I looked towards the half-open door and noticed, on the outside, a small board with numbers. At that moment I was alarmed, since there was nothing I could do to get out of there; and yet that door´s security system was outside the room.

What danger could be expected to come, or to get out of the room?

It looked like one of those stupid movies again.

"I suppose you will bear all the expenses," I said sarcastically, and I noticed to my surprise that the air in the place felt exaggeratedly clean and perfumed.

No hospital or clinic I´ve ever been to before went so far as to even satisfy the noses of their patients. Not helpful if hundreds of patients are going to counter good smells with their own body odors. It was a nice touch.

"I guess... my family is not out there."

"Well no. I don´t... We have no idea how to contact them... or who you are. You didn´t have documents on you, so we couldn´t..."

"Of course I had no documents. I was going to do the shopping, not to vote."

"So... what is your name, and your family number?"

"And this place... does it have a name? Where am I?"

"If you calm down, I´ll be able to explain it to you." He said doubtfully while taking a breath. "Do you remember anything about the accident?"

I tried to nod, but...

"What am I supposed to remember? People´s voices on the street? The noise of cars pounding in my ears? The flowers from the house on the corner before crossing the street? Your car´s license plate?"

He nodded looking at the ground.

"I can see your memory works very well."

"It´s the first time someone says that to me," I said wanting to laugh, and annoyed with the monotonous short breath the device allowed me.

So I wondered if he was one of the doctors. Of course he didn´t look like one, but the conversation wasn´t like a coffee chat.

"So you haven´t told my family."

"Until we know your name... and a phone number we can call..."

"I would like to call them myself, but I don´t know where I am."

"I´ll explain everything... step by step. But I need you to make sure..."

"What?"

"That you won´t go into shock. That you are not going to..."

"That I´m not gonna make a scandal."

"Well..."

"Don´t worry. I´m not gonna cry either. Although I will admit that... I´m a little worried. You´ll understand..."

"Okay. I´ll explain it all."

The next half an hour was spent in technical talk about how I had suffered damage in different parts of my spine, for which I was immobilized from the neck down; as if I hadn´t noticed. He talked about how his organization would compensate me by providing all the necessary medical care, and how they desperately needed me to sign some papers.

I was about to tell him to stop treating me like an idiot, but I stopped myself.

"What is this? You don´t even know my name... and you want me to sign a waiver of rights?"

"It is the only condition in exchange for... well... Do you want them to help you or not?"

"Yes, why not? Let me check with my family."

"Do you plan to continue with that? Or can we get serious?"

"You can do whatever you want. I just... What I want is... For everything to end."

Too melodramatic now that I think about it.

As he bit his lower lip in impatience, a figure in a white lab coat that I hadn´t been able to see moved from the corner of the room.

"If you are depressed about your condition..."

A guy with curls and the look of a sleepless mad scientist approached with a strange hopeful look.

"I think we can help you. You will walk again... And much more. As long as... of course... you can help us."

"It means... you can fix me?"

"Well, yes."

"And make me walk again."

"Of course! Everything will be just as always!"

For a few moments I had considered it a good offer. But as always...? That boring life where the most exciting part of the day was watching the latest episode of an anime series? Going to class, traveling by train, do the shopping, water the plants, feed the dogs, studying until my eyes are tired and finally entertain myself with the cell phone until I fall asleep?

I could count more times that I woke up wondering if getting up was worth it than the times I fell asleep feeling I had done something productive. There was nothing that I was passionate about. Nothing. At times like these I tried to blank my mind, trying to create an inner silence long enough to let something true emerge from within. But at that time nothing came of it. I saw absolutely nothing more than those fantasies in which sometimes one gets lost trying to imagine it´s the real world and this here is the false one. Daydreams we wish would last much longer than that meaningless vigil.

"So everything just as always..." I said without the slightest emotion, with a lost look and a noticeable disappointment on my face.

"Of course, if you don´t like what you are... we can change you," said the subject as if he were excited.

"You can? How...? Change me? In what sense?"

"I can´t explain it to you yet... until you accept our conditions," he clarified, holding a folder with some kind of documents.

To risk myself allowing them to do something crazy on me, or to make sure I live as a useless head attached to this even more useless body...

"You don´t need to worry. We won´t use you as a spare part depot," he said with an almost innocent giggle.

He guessed my thoughts. I guess anyone would.

For a few moments I considered how obviously stupid it would be to sign papers whose implications I didn´t know; but considering the alternative, you can imagine that my decision satisfied them big way.

"And how am I supposed... to do that... signing?"

"Oh, don´t worry. You can use a digital signature, using a voice recording. Just let me take care of it."