Chapter 1 Infertility

I stared at my desk's flickering candle, the little light quivering as if it felt the same uneasiness as me. My thoughts were interrupted by his calm but tense voice.

"Niki, I need you to talk to me," Cassian continued, his intense stare holding me firm.

"Speak with you? What is it about? With a forced grin that stopped short of my eyes, I asked. "There isn't anything incorrect."

"Yes, there is. I can tell because you don't look at me. His words pierced me even as his voice became softer. "Niki, you can't keep acting like that. We are both aware that a shadow now separates us.

The quiet between us became thicker, and I gasped. That growing gap, that silent but indisputable emptiness that none of us understood how to traverse, was something I could sense as well. Glancing down, I ran my fingertips down the edge of the desk as if the answers were hidden in the weathered wood.

"I... I don't know what you want me to say." I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes, so I hardly spoke. He would see the anger and embarrassment that tore at me day and night if I did.

He ran a hand over his jaw and groaned. "Niki, you're my Luna. My friend. We deal with everything collectively, or at least we should. However, you've felt... aloof during the last several months.

"How far away?" I repeated, letting out a sour chuckle before I could control it. "Cassian, I've been here every day. By your side, every evening. I'm not necessarily not here just because I'm silent.

"It's more than that," he said, his voice becoming less abrasive as he approached. "You refuse to allow me in, even when you're in pain. Niki, I feel your anguish as if it were my own. But day after day, you keep me out. Why?

I clenched my hands and stared at the candle, doing everything to escape his intense look. His enquiries weighed heavily on me, eroding the barriers I had up around my humiliation with each one.

"Is it because of..." His voice was no more than a whisper as he drifted off. "Is the child to blame?"

More powerful than any charge, the question lingered between us. A familiar aching began to blossom within me as my chest clenched. With the wordless response stuck in my throat, I closed my eyes.

I eventually managed to say, "Two years, Cassian," in a hoarse whisper. "I still haven't given you a child after two years."

"That's not-" said Niki.

"Don't say it's not important," I cut in, sounding harsher than I meant to. "You are the Alpha. It's an obligation, not simply a desire. The group as a whole anticipates it. They gaze at me as if I'm failing them.

Cassian's hand extended towards me as his gaze became softer. His fingers wrapped around mine, anchoring me in a manner that was both painful and reassuring. I could feel the warmth of his touch. But the sensation of inadequacy that had taken root so firmly inside of me was still eating at my gut.

With a steady warmth that permeated my armour's gaps, he replied, "You're not failing me, Niki." "My Luna is you. The only Luna I will ever need.

I wanted to believe him, to let his words ease the pain that had been ingrained in my body. However, how could I? How could I ignore the pack's silent judgement, the sidelong stares, and the whispers? I could see the question remaining in their eyes whenever they glanced at me, even if they didn't say it out loud. Worse, I sensed it. This inadequacy and emptiness tore at me from the inside out.

"You say that now," I said in a tremulous murmur. However, what would happen if it didn't, Cassian? What if I am unable to conceive for you?

He didn't respond right away. I could sense the battle raging behind his eyes, the strain emanating from him. Despite his strength, loyalty, and Alpha status, Cassian was unable to ignore the pressure that came with his position. An Alpha was supposed to guide, guard, and support the pack in every manner. And I was supposed to support him and carry out my job as his Luna. One that I was gradually starting to believe I would never fulfil.

"Niki," he said in a hushed, almost beseeching voice. "This has nothing to do with a kid. It concerns us. Regarding you. I just ask that you allow me in.

I could feel my defences eroding, the barriers I had erected to keep him out starting to give way under the pressure of his remarks. I knew that he meant good. However, I couldn't stand to face the reality myself, so how could I let him in?

I said, my voice just audible, "I'm trying." "Yes, I am. But Cassian, it's difficult. Each day I feel... less.

I withdrew my hand from his and around myself with my arms as if to protect myself from the pain inside. Cassian had a steady, unblinking stare, but I was unable to meet his gaze. Not while my humiliation was burning so intensely inside of me.

"Less?" he said, his tone tinged with incredulity. "You're my Luna, my partner, Niki. Nothing about you is less.

"So what gives the impression that there is?" I lost my temper and spoke before I could control myself. "What makes me feel inadequate? That I will never be sufficient?

I was forced to gaze at Cassian as his face softened and his hands reached out to cup my face. Although his touch was soft and soothing, it didn't completely relieve the pain that was screaming within me. The guilt simply became more because of the love and passionate protectiveness in his stare.

With a calm but unwavering firmness, he whispered firmly, "Niki, listen to me." "You are more than sufficient. You are everything. I don't give a damn about what other people or the pack think. Nothing can ever alter the fact that you are my mate.

Something within me was roused by his words, a sliver of hope piercing the darkness. However, it was insufficient to silence the voice that echoed at the back of my mind, reminding me of the judgement that pervaded every sidelong look and every hushed discussion.

"That's easy to say now," I said, my voice shaking. However, what happens if you begin to trust them? When do you begin to gaze at me like others do?

As he fought for control, his jaw tightened and his facial muscles tensed. I could see the hopelessness that reflected my own, the frustration in his eyes. However, he held me tightly and grounded me with his hands.

"I won't," he responded in a harsh, uncompromising voice. "Niki, I'll never see you like that. You were my choice. I choose you, for better or worse.

I was moved by the words, which served as a bittersweet reminder of our relationship. Even while his words eased the pain, I couldn't get rid of the worry that kept creeping into the back of my mind: that one day he would see in me what I saw in myself: a Luna who had let her pack, her mate, and herself down.

I said, my voice no more than a whisper, "I want to believe you." "I do. But it may be difficult at times.

He kept me close, his warmth a constant presence against the worries that tore at me, his embrace a wordless comfort. However, even as I lay in his arms, I was unable to ignore the persistent, low voice that reminded me of all the ways I had failed and spoke of my inadequacies.

While the light burned on the desk next to us, creating shadows on the walls, I could feel those shadows seeping into my heart and the doubts seeping beyond the walls I had put up to become a part of me.