Chapter 4 I Didn't Mean Forever

The Man Yay called Dad, his Soul hurt too. He operating in a spell of self sabotage chose the road of the lonely. His Sun like smile coined him the name Sunny and he could dance. It was one of the gifts he gave Yay, music and dance. She would be his best life choice only to be proven many years beyond her childhood. Sunny wanted Yay to be more than a mother. He desired her to choose herself in a world that conditioned girls to "baby", "Cater" and be servants to men's mission, home and pleasure. He asked her questions like "what do you see?" "Are you happy?".

He wanted Yay to break family cycles and curses. He listened to her and validated her voice to speak and fight. These lessons held their weight in gold but were few and far in between.

One day he asked Yay "Where are your children?".She looked at him blankly with confusion as she responded "I have no children." He didn't remember the day he took her to the toy store in Eastmont Mall. At the entrance, he looked down at her stating "You can have anything in this store you want except a doll." She understood the assignment not just about what she was supposed to select in the store but in life. So, he grabbed her little hand and they entered for her eyes to lead the way on what would be her best selection. He didn't know that she preferred books and toys she had no true interest. There on a shelf she could not reach was Pink Panther in a tuxedo and top hat. He confirmed her choice to make sure she was certain and it was purchased. "Don't you remember?" after reliving a very short moment with him. "NO! I don't and I didn't mean forever." he said.

It was to late to provide clarity about his vision for her life. Yay was 40 years young and definitely not having children at this age. There was no one she wanted to have a child with. For the duration of her adult life, she had been a mentor to both girls and boys. They allowed her an opportunity to express her maternal instinct without the full time commitment. He had become her baby at age 66, helpless and unable to walk after 5 years of choosing not to be in communication with him. She had no clue how his physical condition came about but she did not accept it. She wanted to dance with her father even play tennis. Ten days after kidnapping him, he walked. She fed him life and drowned him with essential oils. He was adamant about smoking so he had to make his way down the stairs to the porch. Up and down the 19 steps without assistance served as the exercise he needed to strengthen his legs and core. She would have not known until one day in her absence, he made it down 3 Georgia blocks to everyone's surprise. The neighbor had been keeping a watchful eye on him until her return.

All she ever wanted was him there with her wherever she was. He didn't realize that day at the toy store she wanted nothing really. The gift was him showing up and not leaving her looking out the window for him to never show. She had lost count of how many Saturdays he was a no show. Once she created a missing sign from a cardboard box and placed it in her bedroom window. Of course, it didn't remain there after the Baba Yaya saw it from the car as she pulled up into the driveway. Immediately entering the Yay's room, she yelled "Take it down". There was no discussion about why it was created or what could be done to reach her father.

Yay grappled with her emotions because in earnest both of her parents had gone missing, one physically and the other emotionally.

Yay loved them but they both were her initial experiences of disappointment. Neither of which she believed she could rely on.