Chapter 2 Me First

She decided to dare greatly and believe what she desired was available and possible. She cried readily when needing to release and let go when necessary. Honoring her definitive YES and NO. Each a gift in knowing her value and worth, even when others verbalized they did but actions said otherwise. She began to see Love as light bugs in the country night. You have to focus the eye on one spot and be ready to leap, reach, catch gently to not remove the wings or ooze the fluorescent green light out. She was a fighter. She was sensitive and if she loved you.... She loved you.

She had not always practiced "Me first" but approaching 50 she was prepared to be called selfish unapologetically.

The men in her life had not been instructed to protect her, provide for her.....she had been instructed to do that for them. They all gladly received as much as she was willing to give. She was a Goddess... A Queen and whenever she expected, requested or required the men barked..... Who do you think you are? How dare you require? Desire anything more than I am prepared to give or share... A whole generation of men who rightly saw her capable did not understand she was by default if she was going to live.... Especially live without them. She had played patient, fool, matriarch and caretaker for the wounded men she loved. Each vow she made was different because she was never the same woman twice.

The whole mission of her life was to be FREE to be exactly who she was, doing only what she loves while partaking in experiencing the love of her life. At 50, she led with that when meeting suitors. Desiring the statement to filter the meek, the broken and the ones who had no intention of involving their heart with hers. Often her value to them was immediate and they only speculated how she fit into their equation. Absolutely giving no thought of how to contribute to her world. The dating culture had changed. Men were selfish and participated in all kinds of arrangements that allowed them to have sex with any and everybody. Men's minds were corrupted by porn and agreeable women to terms they honestly didn't want. A culture of women who actively participate in overtly sexualizing themselves in order to be chosen.

She had no interest to compete or to comply. How could Love exist in such sad context? The tainted, scorned and the hurt constantly engaging in acts of protection, where no one dared to expose their true self. For the few who dared, she found them beautifully broken and harmed in ways she could not commit to their healing because they had refused to see it or believe it possible. She aware that some men answer cast calls of playing Victim just as regularly as some women do. Once she went out on a date with a man who had once been robbed by a woman. It left him so shook, he hugged the circumference of the buildings as they walked down the sidewalk of an unfamiliar street at night. Fear crippled his thinking and his only concern became his safety as she walked basically alone to defend herself if they were actually accosted. Despite the place she had recommended had no such dangerous elements as he perceived, she had been misassigned the title of a "Preying" woman in his mind.

The "Preying" Woman is brutal to a loving man with low esteem yet who desires a "strong" woman with vision. Her desire for financial stability with or from a man is not what makes her flawed. It's the course of action she is prepared to take to ensure it and if she can hold you prisoner to her wrath she will. "Me First" is how her invocation begins while she schemes and attempts to manipulate in order to bring her desires into fruition. These types of women gave women like her a really hard time because men often can't fathom there exist still "Good" women. Because of their past, the "Good" woman is required to prove she is who she says she is. Every man having a different time table to determine if it is true. During the probation period in which he attempts to find reasons to codone not giving or showing up 100%, she the "Good" woman is to lavish him by giving her all. Simultaneously, the little that he does choose to give or share is supposed to be enough to secure her heart and she better be thankful. If not and complains that is not enough to sustain a love with her, she is labeled selfish among other things in the recesses of his mind. He understands not that if she stays and he only continues to take, that these are the conditions in which "Preying" women are born. He understands not that is not money and materialism that is sought but a spirit of generosity that reciprocates lovingly.