Chapter 8 No.8

FOOL.-If I were a doctor-

DOCTOR.-I should endeavour to be a fool.

F.-You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.

D.-True; man is overworked.

F.-Let him take a pill.

D.-If he like. I would not.

F.-You are too frank: take a fool's advice.

D.-Thank thee for the nastier prescription.

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FOOL.-I have a friend who-

DOCTOR.-Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet-that will straighten him out.

F.-I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!

D.-What of your friend?

F.-He is a gentleman.

D.-Then he is dead!

F.-Just so: he is "straightened out"-he took your prescription.

D.-All but the "simple diet."

F.-He is himself the diet.

D.-How simple!

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FOOL.-Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?

DOCTOR.-It is possible that he acquires it?

F.-Much good it does him.

D.-Why not-as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.

F.-For example?

D.-He is in a false position.

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FOOL.-What is the most satisfactory disease?

DOCTOR.-Paralysis of the thoracic duct.

F.-I am not familiar with it.

D.-It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.

F.-But how long does his appetite last?

D.-That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.

F.-The portion that survives him-?

D.-Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!

F.-Pitch it a biscuit.

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FOOL.-You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?

DOCTOR.-I never do tell.

F.-I mean how do you know?

D.-I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.

F.-How does the patient know?

D.-The fool asks me.

F.-Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?

D.-Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.

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DOCTOR.-The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.

FOOL.-A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.

D.-One's relations-except the poorer sort-seldom are.

F.-My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.

D.-Done!

F.-You have won the wager.

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FOOL.-I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.

DOCTOR.-Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.

F.-The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."

D.-This must have been very confusing.

F.-It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.

D.-You tumour!

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FOOL.-Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?

DOCTOR.-Oysters do not ail.

F.-I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.

D.-Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.

F.-Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?

D.-Yes; I would remove the oyster.

F.-But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.

D.-That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.

F.-Beast! Give me air!

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DOCTOR.-I have been thinking-

FOOL.-(Liar!)

D.-That you "come out" rather well for a fool.

Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?

F.-Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.

D.-Explain.

F.-Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.

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