L. P. M.

{Illustration: "COUNT VON HEMELSTEIN," THE AMERICAN SAID LAZILY,

"I WAS JUST THINKING WHAT A STUNNING BOOK-COVER YOU WOULD

MAKE FOR A CHEAP NOVEL." Drawn by Clarence F. Underwood.}

(Illustration not available in this edition)

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED

TO MY REAL FRIENDS, WHO MAY LOVE IT.

WHILE THE OTHERS IT MAY BORE;

TO MY ENEMIES, GOD BLESS THEM,

THO' THEY SPLUTTER, MORE AND MORE.

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CONTENTS